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Windrider735
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Posted on Tue, Sep 11, 2012 23:09

This is one of my favorites. Feel free to share yours....

 

 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this on a blog I stumbled upon:

 

"Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right?

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,’no possible way!’

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?

 

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, ‘don’t do it dummy,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HECK!

 

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

 

IT HURT LIKE HELL!

 

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!"



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Windrider735
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Posted on Mon, Sep 17, 2012 02:20

Good one, Diana.

 

I always leave my keys in the truck. Don't have time to look for them if the fence is down and I've got animals out. That actually did get one of the vehicles stolen. Got a call from a friend who lives about 15 miles west of me asking me if my car was in the farmyard. This was about 4 in the morning. Told her it was when I came in from the barn about midnight but I'd go look. Turns out my car was gone, there was a new car in ditch off my access drive with the rubber missing from the front passenger side wheel, and a grove in the highway as far back as I could see.

 

My friend said she knew it was gone because it was outside her door. She heard it come down her drive and thought her husband was getting in from a run, but some man parked my vehicle, got out, took a leak and got into her car and left. She called the cops and they caught up with him about 15 miles further west at the next town.

 

The driver bailed at a culvert before hitting town and hightailed it out across a corn field. The cops never did catch him. Turns out he had stolen the car he left in my ditch in town at another friends house. It belonged to her daughter who was visiting from the southern part of the state. He hit a car in town and tore off the rubber and left a grove from the rim all the way out to my place. In all, he had stolen 5 cars that night. In all the years I've been leaving my keys in, that was the first time I ever had a vehicle stolen. The thief must have either had it in a low gear driving fast or thrown it into reverse while driving forward becasue he blew the tranny and it was totaled. Since I always shop around for my vehicles and buy low, I ended up getting much more than I paid for the car from my insurance company and came out smelling like a rose.

 

Sometimes Lady Luck really does smile down!



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Diana3316
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Posted on Sun, Sep 16, 2012 22:02

CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a

personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my

pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed

for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory

was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I

had left my keys in the car,

and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I

always call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then

I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get

me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your

car."

Yep it's the golden years................



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Windrider735
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Posted on Sun, Sep 16, 2012 01:12

Hope...Great story!  That little boy's logic sounds like something my nephew would have come up with when he was 5 or 6. I think we greatly under estimate the thought process of a child's brain sometimes. 
Don't give a thought to the three women...I didn't. Figured if I removed it they could just stew in their own juices without the satisfaction of people knowing of their outrage. 'Taint nearly as much fun to bitch if nobody hears ya! I have absolutely no idea why they thought I was promoting anyone. It's water under the bridge, and not worth a second thought, but thank you for offering to sweep in on your broom and defend me.
 
People have some strange fantasies, that's for sure. Some are fun and others not so. I'm surprised MM would let someone like the fantasy rapist even post. I'm impressed with MM's boards...not many sites have good blogs any more. I was on a Canadian site, very much like this one, and we had some really involved discussions about almost every topic you can imagine. We also had a lot of very talented word-smiths who shared their poetry with us.. Any poets here?
 
 I enjoy your blogs and your head-on approach to life. You've given me many ideas to chew on...as have others who look at life from different vantage points.
 Here's another chuckle for ya...although farmers would probably relate to it more than city people. It's called
"Roping a Deer". The names have been removed to protect the stupid! This is supposed to be an actual letter from someone who writes, and farms....

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out....a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. ..my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time  ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves


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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Sat, Sep 15, 2012 19:59

Just for You WINDRIDER!!

POTENTIAL... Versus..

REALITY!!! ;)

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.”

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone would give you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, “Well son, what did you learn?”

Little Johnny says, “Dad, I think I’ve actually figured it out....

"POTENTIALLY," we’re sitting on two million bucks here......

but in "REALITY," we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

Heeheehee~~ ;)

WINDRIDER...

Sorry to hear some women (3!!!) were giving you a difficult time with the numbers thing? And for what reason other than promoting some guy? Makes no sense... WHAT DO YOU GAIN FOR PROMOTING SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW?? Can you put me on that pay-roll too please?? ;)

Please allow me to clue you in on how things work BEST around here.. as well as clue some women in on how things work BEST on here.. (Because I have NO DOUBT in my mind the women I enjoy on this site on a regular basis would never respond in a negative manner as apparently happened to you!) Even should we not agree 100%.. (and we rarely agree 100%.. Pssst.... cuz they are wrong and I am right! BUT DON'T TELL UM!! TeeHee~~) the "ladies" in this forum do not typically conduct ourselves in a demeaning fashion!

FTR... I, Hope, Your Offshore, Long-Winded, Proflic, Mystery Princess.. (LOL) Enjoyed searching out my numbers.. I knew I was a 9 from years ago... and I actually have a response saved of what my numbers meant... It was interesting and I had to re-evaluate some things about myself and my life which are TRUE about me and how difficult it is for me to be "close" to others. Some things were fired so close on the mark in fact, I took it a bit seriously.. (Yes, that close to REALITY!!) I was merely waiting for others responses to see what they came up with, as I did not want anyone to feel I was being a blog-hog.. 

You know WINDY.. We have had some AWFUL blogs here regarding "fantasy rape" and things of such .. and had to "deal" with filth of that nature.. WE RAN HER OFF!! However, when someone posts something in fun and it is not emotionally hurtful or abusive... I don't know WHY people get their panties in such a twist! Perhaps this is exactly why I only wear thongs or go commando.. NOT A WHOLE LOT TO "TWISTIN" IN A PRINCESS WORLD.. ;) 

XOXO~~

PS.. Next time .. Just gimme a sec to get my back up for ya! People aren't allowed to push very hard with "da Princess" around! Bwahahahaha!! Now where's me gloves! ;)


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Windrider735
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Posted on Thu, Sep 13, 2012 09:01

Easyman...

 

I couldn't find verification either, but the lady who wrote the blog I saw it on said it was sent to her by the man who wrote it. Either way, it's a good story.

 

Just curious...are you a Patrick Mcmanus fan? I think I have every book he's written.


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Windrider735
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Posted on Thu, Sep 13, 2012 08:47

Quoting Hoping4Love2000:

BWAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I am still LMSAO!!! 

Hey.. weren't you the one who had a blog on our numbers? I came back to look for it and it was gone? 

My birthday is a 9.. My name is a 6... It was interesting! 

Have a great day! :))))))


Hi Hope.
 
I took it off because three of the ladies were so outraged. Seems they thought I was promoting Paul's site...which I had no intention of doing. I Just thought people would take it for what it is...entertainment...unless you happen to believe in the stars...which I do. I was wrong, because it  certainly did seem to get some tails in a pretty tight knot. If anybody wants to check it out...just Google Paul Sadouski. When the site comes up...ignore everything but the place at the bottom of the page where you to enter your birth date and have some FUN
 
My numbers were 9 and 3. Did you click on the link that explains the numbers? Quite interesting.
 
Going to post YOUR favorite story?


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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2012 07:39

BWAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! I am still LMSAO!!! 

Hey.. weren't you the one who had a blog on our numbers? I came back to look for it and it was gone? 

My birthday is a 9.. My name is a 6... It was interesting! 

Have a great day! :))))))



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easymantolove
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Posted on Wed, Sep 12, 2012 04:30

OMG! That was hysterical! It's been going around for 5 or 6 years and each time I read it I laugh and would swear that it was one of my brothers that did that! LOL

 

Snopes calls it indeterminate (not provable one way or another) with good evidence its not true... not that it really matters because if its a work of fiction, it's still hysterically funny.



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