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How do you tell if the person is on a rebound? Sort by:
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Posted on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 13:56

This may seem like a silly question but it is a bit puzzling to me. I met a fellow on here and we met out for dinner.  He was pleasant enough but talked about his pending divorce quite a bit as well as his soon to be “ex”. I had thought or perhaps I assumed he was separated for some time. As far as I can surmise he was still with his wife in March this year. Although he stated he was the “leavee” (as he put it) I got the feeling that he did not really want to go but rather his wife wanted him to leave (which is not the same thing).

Here is the thing- under four months ago he was still married and trying to save his marriage as he and his wife went to counseling. She didn’t want to continue..)) I did ask him if he would try and work things out with her if she agreed and he said yes but she does not want to. hhmmmm!

He sent me an email asking me to go out again but I told him that I did not feel like I had any business getting in the way of any hope of reconciliation (there are kids involved). I told him to look me up when he was more settled. (He does not even know where he will be living). I had no wish to offend him as he seemed like such a nice down to earth guy. Was I wrong?

So my question is-how can you tell if you are the subject of some attempt to fulfill a loss or need now? As far as I can remember-rebound relationships are not often healthy or successful. Is there a timeframe one can look at between separation/divorce and dating?

 I, myself have been separated and living in different countries for nearly two years and I am just now looking to start dating. (Maybe I waited a ridiculously long time but I wanted to be sure to have very little baggage..))     

 



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rmac22
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Posted on Sat, Aug 25, 2012 17:38

Quoting apexoflife:

QuietStorm2193

 

Thanks for validating my thoughts. He seems like such a nice guy but I was not prepared to be his fill-in. I feel bad that I had to turn him down as I do not think he needs to be let down by anyone at this point. 

I think a year is a good starting point. I wonder if anyone has had success with less of a period of waiting.



He would likely commit and attach with a vengeance.   That is he would if you could put up with him though the grieving stage.  Yes it is grieving even though it seems mostly expressed through anger.   Whether he will stay that attached and committed as he recovers is another matter.   You are correct in the idea that he truly doesn’t need rejection right now.   He will be worse off than a teenager rejected by his first crush.

 

 

RMac



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Curious2078
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Posted on Thu, Aug 23, 2012 18:36

Quoting apexoflife:

This may seem like a silly question but it is a bit puzzling to me. I met a fellow on here and we met out for dinner.  He was pleasant enough but talked about his pending divorce quite a bit as well as his soon to be “ex”. I had thought or perhaps I assumed he was separated for some time. As far as I can surmise he was still with his wife in March this year. Although he stated he was the “leavee” (as he put it) I got the feeling that he did not really want to go but rather his wife wanted him to leave (which is not the same thing).

Here is the thing- under four months ago he was still married and trying to save his marriage as he and his wife went to counseling. She didn’t want to continue..)) I did ask him if he would try and work things out with her if she agreed and he said yes but she does not want to. hhmmmm!

He sent me an email asking me to go out again but I told him that I did not feel like I had any business getting in the way of any hope of reconciliation (there are kids involved). I told him to look me up when he was more settled. (He does not even know where he will be living). I had no wish to offend him as he seemed like such a nice down to earth guy. Was I wrong?

So my question is-how can you tell if you are the subject of some attempt to fulfill a loss or need now? As far as I can remember-rebound relationships are not often healthy or successful. Is there a timeframe one can look at between separation/divorce and dating?

 I, myself have been separated and living in different countries for nearly two years and I am just now looking to start dating. (Maybe I waited a ridiculously long time but I wanted to be sure to have very little baggage..))     

 



You've already figured it out, Sweetie.  Your gut instinct is absolutely correct.   The man is not ready.

 

Stay away, stay very far away until such time as he can present you with a divorce certificate.

 

And even that is not enough. 

 

If you two eventually go out on a date after his divorce, and he spends most of the time talking about his ex--run like hell. 

 

Any man who is ready to get involved again in a serious relationship is definitely NOT going to be focusing, conversation-wise, on his ex-wife.  He's going to be steering his conversation in a way that exhibits himself and his life in its best light, not the light shed on his life by his divorce.

Good luck!!! 



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nursing543
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Posted on Thu, Aug 23, 2012 14:52

I have never heard those numbers.  I was with my ex for 24 years.  I think what happened in the marriage would have to be factored into those numbers.  That would be 6 years to get over Him.  I don't think so!



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Orlando__
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Posted on Thu, Aug 23, 2012 13:58

Having gone through 1 1/2 years of Divorce Recovery classes.  I can tell you it takes 1 year for every 4 years of marriage to get over your ex.  So, if a person was married 20 years, it would take 5 years before he/she is healed and doesn't fall into the "rebound" trap.  Since this person wasn't even divorced, he hadn't even started his recovery.  Rebound marriages are end up with higher percentage of divorces than second marraiges.  Short answer, don't date anybody who hasn't passed the timeline for healing. 



**My top strength is"learning." So, my blogs are learning-focused. ~Orlando

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Sun, Aug 19, 2012 22:05

If I want to date someone for a serious relationship.. I NEVER go out with any man who has not been divorced under a year and a half. They simply are not ready due to the "emotions" involved. (anger, bitter, etc.. as well as not being settled in where they are in their minds or in many cases physically, as you stated about this man not knowing where he would be living.) Divorces are not easy and it takes time to heal. I always ask how long DIVORCED. It is rare to find a man who is not divorced who has truly moved on. Therapist claim MEN take a longer time to heal than women. I have witnessed this in my own life, so I believe it. I also tell men the same thing.. 

 

I have witnessed that BOTH SIDES go a bit crazy during the divorce.. It is a rollercoaster ride NO ONE enjoys! 

 

I also avoid men who have been cheated ON for the most part, as I find most women who seek outside a marriage seek due to the man often times not being "emotionally available" for her. If he wasn't available to attend to the emotions of his wife, mother of his children... I find it difficult to believe he will be availble for me... Women cheat for EMOTIONAL reasons. We don't see a "hunk of a man" and say... I want me some of that! LOLOL... AND, most men who have been cheated on are bitter and resentful far more than most women who have been cheated on. My theory on this? Because since the beginning of time, all women have heard somewhere ALL MEN CHEAT! And women are most likely to fault themselves for gaining weight, not being pretty enough etc.. Rarely does a man ever see the reasons his wife felt neglected. 

 

BOTTOM LINE? You were smart! Took you a date or 2, but now you know what to ask and what behaviors to look for. Dating well comes from knowledge.. and the only way to get this is through experience!

 

Best wishes APEX! 



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twohrts
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Posted on Sat, Aug 18, 2012 22:14

thats the first question i ask "how long have u been divorced " 

At least 2 years preferably 3 or more

if not they carry alot of angry around and vent it on their new girlfriend



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rmac22
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Posted on Tue, Aug 14, 2012 20:24

They tell you. They always tell you. They can't help it.

 

 

RMac

 



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Curious2078
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Posted on Tue, Aug 14, 2012 18:55

Sounds to me like you did the right thing.  Stay away until the guy is totally, actually divorced.  And not spending half his time talking about his ex.  You saved yourself a lot of heartache, I'm quite sure.



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Posted on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 09:58

Thank you all for your kind wishes. Just to let you all know the fellow in question answered me and said he understood why I would not see him again and that yes he does think he has unresolved issues to still deal with. He stated that he just wanted to be upfront with me. I am happy he did as this at least makes him a better person.

 



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Posted on Mon, Aug 13, 2012 05:21

Voyager54

Interesting point! I am unsure if I agree as that depends on how one would describe what a rebound is. Is one looking to replace to distract from a loss or are they looking to replace the feeligns of love that they once had or perhaps never had? I am not sure I am describing what I mean very well here but for me I am in no pain or suffering any loss from my last relationship and I am not looking for someone to fill someone else's shoes, so to speak. Does this make sense?

 



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Livnlov
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Posted on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 20:02

Apex,

 

As a rule I do not contact or take seriously contact from men who are 'separated - divorce pending' [though it may seem hypocritical because that is my current status] for the simple reason that it can be pretty chaotic and an emotional rollercoaster when such a person has not yet moved on. I had an experience of it on here with a guy who was e-mailing with me - whilst I had moved on a long time ago, it became quite apparent very quickly that the guy hadn't moved on. According to him his wife cheated on him and it was such a surprise! He wanted to remain married to her but she rejected him, which was understandably very hurtful. It takes people a long time to get over issues particularly if they didn't see it coming. So I would say you did the right thing by stepping aside - for your own good and his. For one thing, someone who has moved on will not start talking about their ex on a first day - that is a dating rule no, no. Red Flag!

 

Just like you, I was separated for about 18 months before I ventured to start dating after being out of the dating scene for about 10 years. 

 

You are a very sensible woman - you should be really proud of yourself and your power of decision-making.

 

I wish you all the best on here!

 

Liv.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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Posted on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 17:25

QuietStorm2193

 

Thanks for validating my thoughts. He seems like such a nice guy but I was not prepared to be his fill-in. I feel bad that I had to turn him down as I do not think he needs to be let down by anyone at this point. 

I think a year is a good starting point. I wonder if anyone has had success with less of a period of waiting.



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Posted on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 16:35

That smells like trouble.. Hmm.. Well that old cliche still holds true. Time heals all wounds . I think rather than dealing with the pain, some individuals tend to seek comfort in dating very soon . Maybe its a coping mechanism who knows. It's REALLY too soon for him. He is probably still licking his wounds. He is potentially still hurting and maybe still have some serious hang-ups. Trying to date too soon after a divorce is presumably a tell tale sign of fulfilling a loss. He's possibly lonely and is avoiding unresolved feelings. Obvious caveats.. You were not wrong and you voiced your concerns immediately. He needs to process that hurt and deal with the pain or..reconcile with his ex as you rightfully suggested. Timeframe .. Hard to say. It depends on the individual.. A year maybe?


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Posted on Sun, Aug 12, 2012 16:17

Your instinct is right and timing is everything ; the encounter you describe is the poster situation for a rebound relationship. I don't think it's a matter of time per se, more like the emotional health of the person getting out of the relationship. For me, invariably the one red flag that one need not look beyond is constantly talking about the ex or the marriage . Out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks so if he is still obsessing about it, he's not over it !! I think you did the right thing extricating yourself from that situation since, as you well say, nothing good can come out of it. A person in this gentleman's situation has much to process relating to the relationship baggage and you run the risk of becoming his crutch , only for him to most likely move on to someone else once you nurture him back to wholeness . Kudos to you for walking out of the situation without closing the door -- who knows what the future might bring when the time is right ?


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