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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Fri, Nov 25, 2011 03:02

On Sunday my dad lost his year long battle with Pancreatic Cancer. He was so brave throughout. I never thought my dad would die so soon. I assumed the chemo would work and he would have a few more years. However, I was not knowledgeable about pancreatic cancer. I'm not sure why I didn't even look it up. My parents had shielded me from the truth of the disease. Its only now the truth unravels. My mum told me my dad almost died last November when he first fell ill with jaundice. They were waiting in A&E for a couple of hours and just as he was being seen to he crashed out. They brought him back to life. By the time you get signs for pancreatic cancer it is already too late. My dad was lucky enough to be at the borderline stage so he could actually have an operation to remove the mass which also involved removing part of his pancreas. After loosing a lot of weight in hospital he did bounce back for a month I think. Then he was told by the specialist that he should have chemo. They were trialling a drug that had been very effective for breast cancer. The doctor said to my dad he had a very good chance. So he endured hell on earth with chemo. Then it stopped as my dad was becoming terribly ill. It continued even when the chemo had stopped. It was then when my dad asked another doctor of the chances the chemo would be effective. They told him 10%. My dads weight continued to drop dramatically for months. He had this complan shakes with all the nutrients. Food tasted metallic to him and food was just passing through him. We kept thinking it was the after effects of chemo. After all that stuff poisons your body. Two weeks ago my dad went for a scan. He managed to walk along the ward to see the doctor. He was told that the cancer had spread to the liver and lymph glands. My dad had asked if he would still be here next year. The doctor said no. All that could be done was to take morphine for the pain. So my dad was adamant he wanted to die at home not in a hospital. I might explain that more in another blog. So we phoned and arranged to have everything set up for him at home and nurses came each day. My dad decided to phone all his friends to let them know and to say goodbye. Some came to visit which meant so much to him. The last two weeks showed rapid deterioration. The stairs became an olympic event for my dad. He struggled but wanted to chat with his guests in the conservatory. That was on tuesday. He did that last trick on wednesday but he collapsed and mum and I had to help him to bed. He stayed in bed after that for visitors. He started to have trouble with the morphine. He wanted to taked the oral liguid kind as opposed to tablets as he felt at least he could control the pain than with a tablet it was just one in the morning and one at night. He didn't want to be out of it all day. At night he had terrible pains. His dosage was increased. The Saturday was the worst. Hearing my dad in agony like that was just awful. I was of the conclusion, if that was me I'd rather be shot. Apparently my dad had said the same sort of phrase to my brothers when talking of the pain. So the doctor came and gave him a long lasting dosage of morphine. He was completely out of it. He was very restless and kept almost falling out of bed as he moved. Then his breathing became heavy. Then he rolled over onto my mums pillow and seemed amazingly comfortable. Then he passed away. It was such a shock. I just couldn't believe he had gone. This week just feels so unreal. So terrible, so awful, so unfair, so unbelievably sad. I feel so sorry for my poor mum too. They had been married for 41 years and my dad told her how much he loved her and that he didn't want to leave her. I promised dad I would make sure mum will be ok. I have now been looking up info on pancreatic cancer. The lack of funding for this research area. There has be no advanced in this area in the last 30 years. 98% of people die. Most live 3-9 months. Luckiest a year or two. Steve Jobs, Pavarotti, Patrick Swayze all died of Pancreatic Cancer. Nobody knows what causes it. You can be old, young, male or female, healthy, unhealthy. The cancer just strikes and soo aggressively. No matter how rich you are there is no cure. More needs to be done. I found a charity called Pancreatic Cancer UK. It launched in 2010 and is dedicated to finding a cure to help people live longer or survive. There is also an American version too. So from now on my charity shall go towards that. More needs to be done with this form of cancer. So many lives are wasted and taken away by this cruel and aggressive disease. It needs to stop and the only way to do this is to help support such charities so that they can concentrate their focus to this area. Look at breast cancer, with more awareness , funding, campaigning people are surviving. This needs to happen for Pancreatic Cancer too. Sarah x


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Michelle0097
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Posted on Mon, Feb 20, 2012 23:15

Hi Sarah, I haven't been on this site in awhile, so I'm just now reading this. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope things are going well for you and your Mother. I lost my parents from cancer. It is an awful experience for everyone involved. Sending healing thoughts your way... Michelle


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Sat, Jan 21, 2012 14:58

Hello Jess, sorry to hear of your loss. Hope you are doing ok at this difficult time. Sarah


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Wed, Jan 11, 2012 07:11

Hi Arizona, sorry to hear of your loss too and in such a short time frame as well. Life can throw the worst of things at us. I guess the only thing that can bring comfort is that hopefully they are in a better place somewhere. I agree that knowing my dad is no longer suffering also brings comfort. Its still very hard for the people left behind. Christmas was a blur, didn't really hit me till new years eve. Think it was the whole reflection of last year and the thought of an empty new year. I have a lot of things planned in January, it helps mainly invites organised by others.I guess we all have to adapt to what we have and cherish what we have. Sarah


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Arizona53
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Posted on Sun, Jan 08, 2012 09:00

Sarah, My condolences for your loss....Though time will ease the pain of your loss, you will never stop loving him or missing him. I lost my son and my father within 6 months of each other, and after 2 years I still miss them terribly. Christmas is the worst time and I force myself to go on with it so that the rest of my family can still have a wonderful holiday. I know how hard it is to be strong, and sometimes I would rather not be. Try to take comfort in the fact that though your pain is difficult, his pain has ended and he will always be safe and warm in your heart, and in God's hands.


"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Fri, Jan 06, 2012 06:35

I've also noticed that Patrick Swayze's wife has published a book about her experiences. Think that should be an interesting read, although perhaps not at this particular moment. Sarah


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Mon, Jan 02, 2012 11:40

Thanks Billzeke! Hey Patrick, sorry to hear of your mum. Sorry to hear your battle with cancer. I think you probably did the right thing by avoiding chemo. The side effects are terrible. I guess every cancer is different and every chemo varies so its hard to know what to do for the best. You made the right choice for you. My dad would have never suffered chemo if the doctors had of been honest with the facts. Glad to see you here and well. So nice to hear a success story! :-) Hi Thurrock, sorry to hear of your loss. Its amazing how strong people try to stay when faced with such an illness. My dad would was out in the garden all through his chemo. In spring our garden will be beautiful thanks to him. Its amazing the power of having targets. At least your friend had his birthday! My dad stayed alive long enough to say goodbye to all his family and friends and long enough to organise everything so mum and I would not need to worry. He was such a good man. Cancer is awful and its awful to see so many lives wasted that way. Here is hoping for a cure sooner rather than later. In the UK there is this soap called Eastenders on the BBC. They ran a storyline whereby a character called Pat who has been there for years died of Pancreatic Cancer. It was nothing like what happens considering she was not skin and bones. However, the important part is that it has raised awareness. So more people will become familiar with the term and perhaps when they see the charity in future they will recognise the charity and donate. Sarah


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Thurrock
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Posted on Mon, Jan 02, 2012 01:09

Webcheers for Sarah From Thurrock I lost a dear friend in Vamdrup Denmark from aggressive Pancreatic Cancer. The Palliative Team was not so honest and even sent him for Chemo with unpleasant side effect hoping this would shrink the CA and extend more his life. He was emailing me when I was in Australia about his project re-roofing his house but did not write about his CA. When I was back in UK,he revealed his illness, massive loss of weight, no appetite and I know it is not long THEN. He was still emailing me up to his last breath with difficulty. The sad thing was he was making sure I'll be @ his 11th June 2011 birthday retirement party as I am always working and traveling abroad. He died Sept 2010. I've lost more friends from Cancer thru the years my circle now dwindling. WE CELEBRATE LIFE OF OUR DEAR DEPARTED.


"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterdays JUNK" by Debbie Smith "Life has no remote.Get up and change it yourself." by Debbie Cameron Happy New Year to all Feliz Anyo Nuevo Gott Nytt Ar Frohe Neu Jahr Manigong Bagong Taon

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ppatrick
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Posted on Fri, Dec 30, 2011 17:03

Hello Sarah

I know what you've been through I lost my mother on 24th Dec 1991 of breast cancer. She had Hodgking disease in 1978 but survived.

I had non-hodgking lymphoma in 2010 and survived despite my refusing the chemio (after reading the side-effects which are way more serious than losing hair).

Only time heals. And lots of love from your family.

Patrick



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billzeke
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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 07:15

I am so sorry to hear of your loss Sarah. I will be thinking about you...


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billzeke
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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 06:29

I am so sorry to hear of your loss Sarah. I will be thinking about you...


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Thu, Dec 29, 2011 04:23

Thank you Voyager. You too. Hi Shaz, thanks! Nice to see you here again. Webgoddess sorry to hear of your loss too. Its awful to loose great people in this world and yes it certainly makes you look at life differently. I have certainly being valuing family time. Sarah


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Curious2078
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Posted on Thu, Dec 22, 2011 20:04

Quoting READY4UNOW:

Hi Sarah, So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and that he suffered with pancreatic cancer. My brother-in-law passed from the same thing many years ago also enduring a long battle, including a whipple surgery. My condolences to you and your Mom, sending you peace and strength.


QUICK HIJACK: All everythings aside, nice to see you here, Ready. Tonight, you, Queen of Your Dreams and Shaz. Christmas seems to do something to all of us. The happiest and best of the Christmas season to you and yours. As we've all wished for Sarah. Pat


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shazbot82
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Posted on Wed, Dec 21, 2011 01:54

dearest Sarah, I am terribley sorry to learn of your fathers passing.Cancer is such a horrid disease and its just so random.Our parents mean the world to us and its hurts,,,basically forever , to loose them. Everyone always says that time will help heal,,,and it will. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and let the mourning process take as long as it requires.Do what feels right for you. I hope you will be surrounded by those you love and those who support you in times of sorrow. Let the loving memories be the ones to hold onto. the rest wi;l slip away eventually. Much love Darcy


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Posted on Mon, Dec 19, 2011 20:50

I lost my father 3 years ago come January to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I know exactly how your feel. I lost my hero when my dad died. The years of chemo and radiation wore on him. I did learn however, not to take life for granted and seize every opportunity you have. You never know when and if that moment may occur again. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Mon, Dec 19, 2011 14:18

Hey everyone, thanks again for your comments. Sorry to hear of your loss too ready. Seems that cancer has effected so many and its such a hopeless case. Thanks passion. It must be hard for you to have to deal with death in your job. I felt so sorry for our GP. He was more like a friend to my dad and he was gutted. He does actually want me to go for a chat with him which I haven't done. Feel a bit like what is there to say and will probably just make me cry. Don't really want to cry in front of him will probably end up both in tears. Thanks Pat, Diana and Voyager, like I say Christmas will just be a process this year. Will be for many people out there. I'll do what I can to make it nice especially for mum. I was out for lunch on Friday with my best friend. I've not met up with her since the funeral. She lost her mum to cancer 3 years ago. She understands and explained how she is still not over it. I can understand that as I'll never accept my dads death either. He was too young, he was healthy. led a good life. He had so much more to live for. He was cheated of life. We were cheated, my mum especially. It was such an awful way to go, thats what upsets me most as it was really awful to se my dad deteriorate like that. Makes you wonder if there really is anyone up there. Today a lady at work commented on how amazingly I was coping to be at work. Although I tried to explain that work takes my mind off things. I focus my mind on uni work and voluntary work and employment. I can harden myself up to discuss things. I can joke about general things when my mind is off things but when I stop to think about things thats when in hits me. Usually at night. I cry every time I think about it. I don't want to burden my friends with my grief. So I do it in my own personal time. Thats how I deal with things.


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READY4UNOW
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Posted on Thu, Dec 15, 2011 18:13

Hi Sarah, So sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and that he suffered with pancreatic cancer. My brother-in-law passed from the same thing many years ago also enduring a long battle, including a whipple surgery. My condolences to you and your Mom, sending you peace and strength.


What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)

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Diana3316
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Posted on Thu, Dec 15, 2011 09:44

The holidays suck for all of us who are without. The melancholy memories of family gatherings of Christmas’ gone by…are especially difficult. But what can we do?? Only to somehow dig deep and muster the strength within to go on….finding some way to live our life with integrity and value that does our heritage proud. Seems like all we truly have is life, death and love. We all have scars, but for me the only answer to heal the pain of loss, is to spit out the anger and embrace love….REFUSE to look back at the bad...ONLY think about the good times and plan for the FUTURE. But until that ONE love is found….we can still give love to our family, unfortunate children, society’s wounded….the stranger on the street. Although love can be either a verb or a noun, I prefer the verb...which indicates that to experience the feelings of love, one must act. I have found that if I smile at somebody….a big smile…it manufactures into the other person. Sarah, my sense is that you are a good and decent woman with many gifts to share. My thought is that by looking forward, you will find a joyful and fullfilling life in the spirit in which your father taught you and would be proud of. Indeed my musings are a bit depressed. Hopefully the New Year will begin soon!! In the meantime, perhaps we can strive for a world epidemic of Love. Warm wishes to all. ~D


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Curious2078
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Posted on Tue, Dec 13, 2011 23:02

Quoting MissMonteCarlo:

I think it must be especially hard to loose a life partner. I do feel your pain voyager. I see it in my mum as well. I guess this time of year makes it more harder. My mum would never seek anyone else. I understand that. So now its time for Christmas. I would rather pass on the whole thing this year but I know my dad would not of wanted that and that he would of wanted us to continue with life as normal as possible. So currently in the process of putting up the decorations which is normally a task I enjoy but honestly it feels more like an awful process. I've experienced a similar Christmas before when my gran passed away a few years ago. Time will heal hopefully. Hope next year will be better. Scary thought otherwise. Sarah x


Hello, Sarah. As much as the Christmas preparations hurt--keep going with as much normalcy as you can muster. Your bravery through this mournful time will serve you well, I promise. Mourning, as you well know, is a difficult, complicated process. A swirling mess of disjointed, discordant, conflicted feelings. This mess very much needs you to include the Christmas joys in it for it to keep rolling forward as it must. Even if the joys feel forced and faked. And, yes, next year will be much sweeter and easier, I promise. And I can do that. Promise, that is, because I've lost so very many treasured people in my life, I know all too well how it goes; how it needs to go.] May all the joys and promises of the true meaning of Christmas be close to your heart this year, Sarah, and close to the hearts of all those you love.


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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Sun, Dec 11, 2011 05:30

I think it must be especially hard to loose a life partner. I do feel your pain voyager. I see it in my mum as well. I guess this time of year makes it more harder. My mum would never seek anyone else. I understand that. So now its time for Christmas. I would rather pass on the whole thing this year but I know my dad would not of wanted that and that he would of wanted us to continue with life as normal as possible. So currently in the process of putting up the decorations which is normally a task I enjoy but honestly it feels more like an awful process. I've experienced a similar Christmas before when my gran passed away a few years ago. Time will heal hopefully. Hope next year will be better. Scary thought otherwise. Sarah x


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