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Posted on Sep 29, 2011 at 06:42 PM

I have shared many trials as well as triumphs w/ any of you who were interested, so I felt sharing this “little piece / peace of my heart” would add a wonderful addition. I received a phone call about 2 weeks ago from the Pawn Shop where all my precious jewelry collected as far back as 23 years ago was to have been placed on the shelf to sell. It was the manager asking if I could send any money to secure my items. I said, “I am sorry I didn’t contact you, but honestly, I knew I would cry while telling you I could no longer afford for you to hold them. I thought you placed these items on the shelf days ago, so I let it go. They are the only things I have in life to leave my daughters and they meant a lot to me sentimentally. I didn’t want to put you through hearing a woman cry, nor did I wish to endure further pain of losing many things that have become a precious part of me. There is a lot of sentiment you hold in your store. Pieces of my life.” The cracking in my voice was assuredly not missed! He explained… “Normally mam, all your items would have been on the shelf already. I seriously don’t know why they weren’t so I decided to look at your file. In reviewing your records, I see you have placed a significant amount of money down to keep them and have been diligent with your payments, so I wanted to give you another chance before I placed them for sell.” I thanked the manager for his kindness, and told him I would get back to him the following morning after reviewing my finances. The manager again, never received my phone call. Not because I was trying to mislead him, but because I knew my heart would shatter all over; so once again, I let it go. There are times in life where pain is just too bearable to continue swallowing so I chose to spit it out! In my travels and during my struggles, I have marveled in moments I felt close to God and been saddened by moments I have found myself drifting alone not truly feeling the “connection.” Over the years I developed a serious “habit” of playing with my cross necklace that I NEVER took off. It seemed to bring me peace in troubled times. Anyone knowing the story behind that inexpensive 14K yellow gold necklace knows I purchased it when I held NO FAITH there was a GOD, but I was struggling so hard during that period of my life, (11 years ago) that I kept going back to the store to view this simple little necklace symbolizing something I did not even believe in! For the life of me, I could not understand WHY! (I now know it was just GOD jackin with me in His “still small … NAGGING voice.”! LOL) On 3 different days I went to look at this necklace. It was only $35, but it had a “tarnish” spot on it and the counter girl and I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t come off. She explained, “It has to be within the gold itself, so it will always remain. However since it is already at an incredible discount, we can’t give you any better of a deal.” My heart tugged until I purchased that necklace! (and bear in mind.. I denounced there was a God!) I wore my necklace for years before I noted one of the four diamond chips needed replacing. It was then I realized the “tarnished spot” was completely gone! To this day, I hold “MY TRUTH” to be self-evident that “HE” had something to do with it. In fact I now feel “ALL THINGS UNEXPAINABLE… “HE” gets His hands dirty in!” This necklace was of incredible significance in my life because somehow it seemed even in times I felt alone; deep down I KNEW in my heart this wasn’t true. “I held the hand of HOPE, even when I didn’t claim HOPE existed! Despite what I feel my mother’s misguided religious beliefs were, she DID instill in me there WAS and IS a GOD and HE walked WITH US through the pain. Even while offshore I would find myself reaching for my necklace to move the cross back and forth. Reaching up and feeling my bare neck these past months was a CONSTANT reminder of all I had lost while trying to forge my way forward working in the gulf. It was also a constant reminder of the mistakes of the past which induced my having to hock all my jewelry in the first place! A couple of weeks ago while staying at a rundown motel in Calhoun, Ga. where I slept with my hammer in my bed; I was buying necessities and found myself looking in the jewelry section at the local Wal-Mart. Many might not understand; but for me, my necklace WAS a necessity. Wearing that cross was much like how I feel about my hair. It summons strength within. I searched and looked, but didn’t find anything I liked that was anywhere near what I could afford, so I walked away disheartened. The other day I was in Marietta Wal-Mart. I had been there before and of course found myself once again, strolling the jewelry section, in search of my heart, in the form of a necklace. I saw some pretty things as I perused the jewelry section searching for “THE PIECE TO BRING ME PEACE”; but I knew I would never find it and not be able to afford it anyway. It was at that moment I passed the mirror. It was with tear filled eyes I looked to my reflection and said to myself, “One day, it will all be better for you. You have been through worse and God will help you move this mountain. HAVE FAITH baby doll.” I looked away, wiped the tears from my cheeks and I wondered, “Does anybody see me? They must think I am crazy crying in the jewelry section! Get the hell out of here! You can’t afford anything anyway! You just live to survive.” So I left Wal-Mart and I buried the thought of EVER being able to find “that piece of my heart.” The “Peace/Piece” that makes me feel a little more secure. Today someone enter my life and came bearing a gift. He said it wasn’t anything fancy as he handed me a little box that said “Tiffany & Co.” As I opened it up I saw a little silver necklace with a “lock” charm. I didn’t know what to say, I barely knew the man, and in reality he will never know how much it meant to me; but here I sit in my hotel room with tear filled eyes as I play with my new necklace. It isn’t gold, it doesn’t have diamonds and there isn’t a tarnish spot on it! But in a Princesses’ world, locks are made to “keep secrets in” …. and God and I have shared many a secret. So in essence this man has no clue, but today he helped give back a “PEACE” of my heart. I have renewed HOPE and know in the core of my being, even should our paths never cross again, God does have LOVE out there waiting for me. But until then, I have my “lock” where I keep my secrets and share a constant reminder, “I do not walk alone, and never really have!” I think life is truly what we make it most times. Some of us have rougher roads/more to endure than others perhaps, so we need to use a little more ingenuity to see the light. But I realize now we believe what we want to believe; “My security needn’t be in lost jewelry, lost homes or lost times where I have failed. My security must come from within myself.” So now I hold a little more FAITH, a little more HOPE, and perhaps even a little more LOVE to add to my life. Besides, now that I wear my “CROSS” tatted on my arm, and stamped in my heart, what’s the difference in wearing a little “lock” to keep the secrets in. There are some things in our lives that perhaps it is best only God knows about. It doesn’t make us bad, it doesn’t make us fallen and it doesn’t make us any less saved. I think it simply makes us “human.” July 6, 2011

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Posted on Oct 10, 2011 at 11:28 PM

HaHa!! Michael.. PAT is right.. You do keep us rollin in stitches!! I'm glad you got to read what I wrote before I deleted it! I just am very leery of the kid thing on here.. My oldest daughter is now at an age.. I have taken against dating any man pretty much not at least 40... also had said I "give up" and didn't want anyone to misread my thought process... Sounds like you had a grand time!! I am still hoping my life will be filled with fun adventures soon as well.. I don't think many people realize how fortunate they are... I landed where I am at cuz I had nowhere to lay my head safely... I don't know cars very well... But I definitely would not be opposed to trying one out! LOL I figured you were n some little adventure! KUDOS! for having means and the desire to want to spread your wings.. I keep trying to spread mine.. but somebody must sneak in and clip them so I can't fly cuz I still be sitting all alone in Hotlanta! LOLOL ;)

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Posted on Oct 10, 2011 at 06:27 PM

HEY FISHYME.... That halibut was huge.. but I thought it was flounder cuz.. WHERE'S THE EYEBALLS?? LOLOL Fishing/shrimping.. heck BOAT WORLD is a difficult life... I don't know how you survive the weather on the water but I bet it is a beautiful site to see... Do you travel when you are off for months? I think you need to go on "Deadliest Catch!" Is that how the weather is at times for you? RUM man huh? My dad was CC or scotch... Marlboro red.. LOL Abusing your bodies kind goes along with the territory I guess! LOL Hope your week is off to a great start!

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Posted on Oct 10, 2011 at 06:16 PM

HI MICHAEL.... WHERE DA HECK YOU BEEN!!! I posted earlier.. but.. I wrote about my daughter and how she brings me joy, yada yada.. BUT.. I chose to take it down as I am very cautious of who lurks the internet... Lot of crazies out there and one fear is someone getting to me to get at my girls... IT HAPPENS!! Anyway.. YES.. I have had some wild experiences... many I would as soon forget.. however.. I just believe that is why I have built such strong character... When I was born I weighed 3lbs 12 ounces and the umbilical cord was wrapped around me from squirming so much in my mothers belly... Guess being so little it was easy for me to do! ;) I joke about how "I've been struggling to survive from the womb..." LOL My mother said I had whelps across my arms where I blocked my little face.. and neck from being strangled... My mother was an ostracized religion.. (cult.. if you ask me) so... even childhood was difficult... I have written about abuse on here... and my mother turning her head to it... I have abandonment issues due to it and I think that is why I feel commitment is so difficult for me... Between abandonment and FEAR of failure... I worry I will be left or just screw things up myself... Many years of therapy helped me to become more self aware of why I am the way I am... I feel self awareness is primal in making relationships work... You must know WHO you are inside to know what your outward needs are... That's why in my blog about cheating I write about needing a deep emotional connection, lot of physical closeness and a man who is willing to re-affirm his devotion.. I am no doubt far better emotionally than many years before... but we are who we are.. I do not think all of our "flaws" are ever resolved 100%... I may always have insecurity issues.. they just aren't as magnified and now I am more rational about them... But you know Michael.. I am doing okay... For those not believing in God or Jesus etc... maybe this won't make sense... But I guess just for me... I NEEDED something to believe in... Things just got that bad for me... Now at the end of the day when I am all alone and I feel "lost".. I just remember that someone I am far from being worthy of knowing, who ultimately made all of creation, LOVES me and ACCEPTS me for who I am on the INSIDE.. and not the mistakes I do on the OUTSIDE.. Cause if you look at me on the outside of where I have led my life... (we are ultimately responsible for ourselves) Well... on the outside you'd have to travel far and wide to find more of a mess! But on the inside.. where my heart lies... It's like this pure gold clock that beats in me... It's great to see you back! Hope you and your own quirkiness sticks around a while... And hope things are going well for you! And just a little note to everyone... I typically write from my heart or my funny bone.... So please no one concern yourself over how I am doing, etc... I've had on classmates as well as facebook where I have established very strong bonds w/ strangers.. There are many people who read who truly are loving and caring individuals... Thanksgiving 2008 one lady had Thanksgiving dinner MAILED to me.. I spent it without my children... had lost my job, almost lost my truck and lost my home... I was a total wreck back then!! She lives in Cal and I was in Florida... WE remain friends to this day.. all via internet!! I've had a lot of trials to weather... But I think at the end of the day, that's what makes me the most loving, kind hearted and accepting woman I can be... SO IT'S ALL GOOD!! And "da Princess" is OKAY!! ;)

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Posted on Oct 09, 2011 at 01:26 PM

Hoping it is a halibut.This is from one of my rare sport outtings and weighs about 45 lbs.Commercially I've been on around 400,000 lbs caught through the years.Halibut is also THE most favorite finfish to catch with dungness crab being the favorite shellfish. Your a fishermans daughter!You know our life well then,it is the love of our choosen field that keeps us in it.After all,the worst day of fishing beats the best day of working.Sorry to hear about dad,as for me I could only float a small nucular aircraft carrier with the ammount of rum I've consummed,oh and don't forget the smoke screen that goes with it.You've seen a Sept camp,now heres one from camp looking out.

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Posted on Oct 08, 2011 at 03:24 PM

HI SARAH! HI PAT!! Yes Sarah... I stayed in a hotel a couple of weeks where the door had been kicked in and it was sleazy and the lock was on wrong, etc.. The ladies of the night bless their heart worked the street right where it was at.. But I did not know the area.. and it was only $150 for the week to stay... My funds have been very limited since losing my offshore job. I became friends with the lady who checked me in (of course.. I always make friends wherever I go.. I JUST LOVE MY WOMEN!!) But decided coming closer o Hotlanta might be better in finding employment and safer place not so out in the boonies.. However, that is by far not the worst environment I have endured! I've slept in my truck and pretty much lived out of it before.. I have so many stories to tell that will actually crack you up.. you know since they are over.. and I am safe! Can't wait for some legal issues to be over so I can blog about them! I truly believe as I stated somewhere else.. could even have been on this blog.. I swear I can't keep up with all the chatter! LOL But I firmly believe... OUR CHARACTER IS BUILT ON THE STRUGGLES AND HARDSHIPS WE ENDURE.. NOT THE "GREAT" THINGS IN LIFE THAT THAT HAPPEN TO US.... I also believe EXPERIENCE IS OUR FINEST TEACHER... Lets just say I have a lot of experience and character! LOL Miss PAT.. Yes, I have met Sisters acquaintance and we, I feel, compliment one another very well... We have similarities in most things... BUT.. when we differ, our opinions tend to make one another think.. see the other side of the coin... However, I do not think she has ever visited my blogs... At least she is not a "regular".. and speaking of regulars... Where's my #1 fan? WHERES MY MACHEVILLI!!!!

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Posted on Oct 07, 2011 at 07:37 PM

Hoping, have you and "SisterCounselor" met? The two of you together could conquer the world.

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Posted on Oct 07, 2011 at 06:20 AM

Aww hope- sorry you've had to go through some really bad times. How nice it was of someone to make such a kind gesture. Its these little things that can mean a whole lot to another person. Something has to be done about having to sleep in places where you need a hammer under you pillow. That sounds horrendous. You are too lovely to have to endure that. Big hugs!! Sarah :-)

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Posted on Oct 05, 2011 at 11:59 AM

HI FISHYME! WELCOME to a piece of my world... ;) No things have not always been easy for me for sure... Some to my own poor decision making.. and others due to lack of respect on other peoples parts...BUT.. I AM A TRUE SURVIVOR! I am actually doing better now that the seas have settled! LOL THANK YOU for your kind wishes.. Yes, I can be mushy and I can be "tuff"... I am a HEMI-TUFF girl! Just reviewed your profile.. HARD WORK AND I RESPECT THAT! My father was a commercial shrimper in the Gulf and it certainly aged him... (along with the drinking and smoking! LOL) ALASKA? Hmmm... I love to travel.. but I do not fair well in the cold... Of course when I have been in the cold.. I was never prepared.. Proper attire is a must!! Is that a FLOUNDER in your pics? That thing was huge! Sorry to see you work so hard and yet gain little reward financially for it, as I know how difficult the seas can be and fishing and can only imagine it more brutal where you are located.. I guess your TRUE REWARD is that you LOVE what you do!! I'm still working on me!! But I do not think being on a boat with men is the answer... Louisiana is a rough place to be a woman on a boat! Nothing compares to be in the open water though and seeing the sun go down.. LOVED that pic you have!! VERY NICE TO MEET YOU! And best wishes your way as well!! :)

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Posted on Oct 05, 2011 at 01:43 AM

First off,oh my yes.Wow.Ok,lady it sounds as though things aren't going that great right now.There is nothing I can say or do to make that change.Wishing you the best is about all I know to do and I am truly wishing you the best.You are one heck of a writer.The other day I viewed your blog and got only a few lines read when I thought this is mushy,ewww.I popped in today and there you are all Gumby sexy,oh baby,you got me all warm seeing you Gumbyed out [I survived a 3 1/2 hour swim Nov.'91 in one of those].Looking at your profile pics,Elf,Elf,one can see why Elf is mentioned.Sept has your lock that is this blog.Silver goes well with you and the way you wear your lock is nice.If something so small can bring some peace to you go for it baby.Only you know where and what you've been through,and only you know what to put in there.In my 35 years of fishing up here I've only known the cleanest and purest of fishermen and mariners [honest my eyes are brown because of genetics].The debotchery of skallywags searching to take unfair advantage of your well concealed beauty has caused them to miss your maritime skills.So you've beached yourself and started sorting out what goes in your lock and what not.Somewhere in your filing your going to find something that says this is what you can do on your own and be sucsessful because you love doing it.If you find that page Hoping4Love,adjust your life to the comfort it brings you.The rest falls into place on its own.Here's a pic of one of my Sept fish camps,your truck sounds cozy.

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Posted on Oct 03, 2011 at 11:08 AM

Hi AUXNYMPH... Very nice to meet you! Welcome to the boards!! I tend to blab a lot .. so when you tire of me.. just roll your eyes and look the other way.. that's what all the exes used to do.. You know.. before I buried them in the back yard!! LOLOLOL HI RMAC!! Thank you!! I AM a true survivor!! ;) HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A GREAT DAY!!

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Posted on Oct 03, 2011 at 10:52 AM

@ VOYAGER.... U are cracking me up! I am not certain what to expect when I read your blog in a few.. LOL.. Yes.. I'm from Florida... Was driving to Louisiana for work... Spent a lot of travel time.. I think I put on like 35,000 miles driving all over the states in 8 months time! I took STCW training for fire fighting and underwater survival... I FREAKED WHEN THEY FLIPPED ME IN THAT HELICOPTER SIMULATOR!! I was in class w/ like 13 men and I was the only one who had to do it over... :( I DID "RIGHT THE RAFT" FIRST THOUGH!!!!! And although I HATED wearing the firefighting gear and doing the simulated fire... I made it thru!! I just told my partner.. "Look.. if I touch some parts that seem inappropriate to touch you at.. I'm not coming on to you.. I'M JUST SCARED SHIT-LESS TO DO THIS AND IF YOU THINK I AM LETTING GO OF YOU IN SMOKE FILLED DARKNESS.. YOU ARE CRAZY!" I tell you what.. I never did let go of that man's ankle!! We had to find the 80 pound "dummy" to save it's life.. personally? I think the only "dummy" in that trailer was about 105 pounds with long blonde hair.. :) I came to Ga because it was closer by and I had place to stay for free.. I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life now... There are other complicated factors I can't discuss publicly.. So it hasn't been easy.. I got a call from a captain the past couple weeks and he got on a vessel and wants me to come work for him after he establishes himself with company... My heart dropped cuz you have to understand.. it wasn't easy "physically" and "emotionally" it was at times abusive... I know I kid around about being a princess etc.. LOL.. just my humor... but honestly... being who I am and looking how I look does not assist men with being on their best behavior... And I even had my GF take me shopping to make sure I wore "appropriate attire" cuz I kinda dress really sexy in real life... So I was really boring looking and still got hassled.. Not a lot you can do about it honestly.. And the captain has told me he woudl be "professional" while in same breath says he really likes me and woudl love to date.. Besides, throwing 3 inch stern lines while boat was backing up to the platform.. Jeez... I was praying to Jesus that night!! (I really did!) The engineer had already swung over to platform and captain is at stern controls backing boat up.. I'm on the 4 foot jump deck with waves flying over me.. adrenaline pumping thru me... LOL .. AND HONEY I NAILED THAT BIT FIRST TRY!! It really was more attributed to the captains skill at driving.. but lemme tell you people.. Those 3 inch stern lines re freaking heavy, esp for a little girl like me... AND.... the eye alone was taller than me!! I have lots and lots of stories!! It was fun... but then the port captain.. (jerk chauvinist) fired me cuz he didn't want a girl on the boat and said I was gonna blow off the back deck... THEN.. I got another job cooking.. and that was when the boss came on to me and my stuff is still on boat cuz I ran up to NC for a teenager emergency and I waited around for weeks keeping touch with him... He assured me I had my job... I checked with maritime vessel thing that shows where boats are.. and the boat was moored for quite some time.. He had told me the scientist would not go out if it was 5 feet or over.. and it was.. so I believed I had a job.. so I traveled and waited for the call... but then I saw the boat moved and I knew he wasn't calling me back.. Some ppl say I should have gotten attorney yada yada.. BUT.. I did allow him to kiss me.. Just didn't allow it to go any further.. and honestly.... IT'S ALL NEGATIVE ENERGY... and at the end of the day.. I have an 18 year old daughter who knows SHE is more important than some stupid job or any amount of money... That's more than I ever got from my mother.. Oh and BTW.. while I'm boring you.. (if anyone is even reading my blabbering) Well the reason behind why I hocked all my stuff? A man friend I had had an affair with many, many moons ago... told me I should NOT drive to La. with a non valid license... So I took his advise and hocked all my things... I spoke to him around May 6 and told him I was sorry that I didn't have the $300 I owed him.. and his last words to me were.. "You know I don't care about the money... I can't wait for the day you come to my office with a BIG SMILE on your face and tell me life is wonderful!" That will never happen... He was killed May 14 in a car accident.. alcohol related... DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE AN WEAR YOUR SEAT BELTS PEOPLE!! His viewing was on my birthday, the 17th.. and I did not attend the funeral or viewing out of respect for his estranged wife.. They were in the middle of a divorce YEARS after he and I were no longer intimate.. Yes.. my life has been somewhat crazy... I've been waitin on "BORING" and "STABLE" ...but so far I haven't heard that knock!! LOL OOPS! Sorry so long! Hadn't meant to reminiscence and write a book in the process! haha And BTW.. I love my little elf outfit too! I think it's cute! But GUMBY is even better doncha think! LOLOL

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Posted on Oct 02, 2011 at 09:29 AM

In your response to Dakota you say things are looking up. I am glad things are looking up. rmac

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Posted on Oct 01, 2011 at 07:25 PM

Astute and inspiring.

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Posted on Sep 30, 2011 at 08:39 AM

NOTE TO ALL MY NON-CHRISTIAN FRIENDS / READERS: This blog was not written with intent to offend anyone's beliefs or values... It was something that happened to me a while back and I posted it on my facebook... I hadn't posted a blog in a while, so I thought I'd share this piece of my life with the readers here... It is my belief that regardless of what we believe... Big Bang theory/ God/ Multiple God's/ etc.... TRUE CHARACTER IS NOT CREATED BY ALL THE THINGS WE DO RIGHT OR THAT RUN SMOOTHLY IN OUR LIVES.. I BELIEVE OUR CHARACTER IS DEFINED BY THE TRIALS WE WEATHER, HOW WE ENDURE THEM AND HOW WE COME OUT OF THEM IN THE END.. I hope everyone reading has a wonderful day! Believer or non believer! Just sayin.... :)

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Posted on Sep 30, 2011 at 08:16 AM

Awww.. THANKS DAKOTA!! It is amazing to me that I wore that necklace for YEARS.. I think I bought it in 2000 and only came to "feel God" in late 2008... Now I certainly wouldn't want to give anyone the idea I am STUBBORN!! LOLOL Note the blog was written beginning of July... I never did receive my items back.. but I am blessed with finding a few friends in new a state and now a place to stay until the lease is up at the end of November. Hopefully I will be better on my feet by then... Jobs are not easy to find! I am very fortunate I only have truck insurance and a phone bill! :) I was forced to hock my jewelry to come up with money for a 2002 fine for reckless driving.. $942.00!!! They re-vamped Florida's computer system and they caught this fine I was unaware of in January of 2011. GO FIGURE MY LUCK TO HAPPEN TO ME! LOL.. HOW they can do something like that I don't know.. I mean seriously.. I had my license for all those years and then they suspend it for 2002?? But I felt it best to drive to Louisiana to work with a clear license... Then I lost my job a couple of months later after the owner came on to me and I declined... (See people.. I CAN be a good girl sometimes!!) LOL BUT DID LOSING MY JOB EVER THROW A WRENCH IN MY LIFE!! So I spinned the wheel and landed in Georgia... where I only knew one person.. (Okay.. so I am a little adventuresome!) But I saw no cause to go back to Florida since I had no home there...It was for closed on, girls are in NC and I had basically been living on whatever boat I worked on.. (Kind of works that way when you work offshore... YOU HAVE NO REAL LIFE!!) so I had no cause to have my own place anyway... In between hitches.. I would just travel around.. me and my truck! It was fun!! :)Spent a lot of time in Houston, south Texas, Charlotte, Georgia, and Florida. It was awesome to travel.. but money was gettin tight! LOL Things have improved a lot for me.. and I am unsure if I will ever "return to sea"... as it was not the bet environment for me honestly... MEN ARE DOGS!! No matta what boat I worked on! HAHAHAHA! Not exactly a lifestyle for a "Princess!" LOL But things are looking up! THANKS!!

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