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CDinCO
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 16:58

I have been troubled by something that I'm not sure what to do about. I need to put this out here and ask for advice! I'll try to make it short... I have been friends with this guy for about 3 years, we'll call him John. We met and both hang out at the same tavern. Over the course of our friendship we've had a lot of fun and great conversations. I knew he has been living with a gal, we'll call her Jane, since before I met him and met Jane about a year after John and I did. She and I are now friends too. She travels a lot for her job and has family in Oregon so she's quite a bit. So, while Jane is away he emails me on occasion and asks me to meet him for a drink and watch a game or just hang out. I've always been happy to oblige as I enjoy his company. Last night was one of those nights, so I thought nothing of it. I noticed right off the bat that he was a little more touchy-feely than he normally is and about half way through the night started to tell me that he is not where he'd like to be in his relationship with Jane. When I asked him why, he said one of the reasons is because she's away a lot, but the other is because he's been attracted to me since we first met. I thought he was joking at first and told him I thought the same until I met Jane. John laughed and said "I'M SERIOUS!" I told him that Jane is my friend and I would never do anything to jeopardize that, plus I don't have romantic feelings for him. Without going into great details of the conversation, I dropped it and we moved on until we left. He walked me back to my car and I gave him our normal "Nice to see you" hug and started to turn to get into my car when he grabbed me and planted one on me. I don't mean just a "kiss," I mean he PLANTED one on me. I pushed him away and told him I could not go down that road and left quickly. So, here's my question... I know if I was in Jane's shoes I would want to know. But, I'm afraid of saying anything because I don't want her to blame me or have it get in between our newly formed friendship, nor do I want to ruin whatever relationship THEY have and let them deal with whatever their issues are themselves. I also don't want to stop hanging out at the tavern because I've been going there for years and have other friends there too... On the other hand... I think she deserves to know... What should I do???? It's eating me alive. Right now, I am telling myself to just pretend it never happened and keep doing what I do but stop hanging out with John if Jane's not there. But I feel guilty that I've been put into this position as well. I don't like secrets but I don't like lying even more.... HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!


Courtney :)

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Curious2078
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Posted on Wed, May 05, 2010 17:12

Quoting CDinCO

So, ran into him tonight... Right off the bat he apologized and said he was wrong and in a "weird" place... I accepted his apology but told him I'm not interested even if things don't work out with "Jane." He seems OK with that. Thank yo all for your kind thoughts and words. I am still going to walk away if he's there moving forward and NOT say anything to Jane...


Sounds like it's all working out.

See that?  I knew you'd come through this smelling like a rose!!!!!!

THREE CHEERS FOR COURTNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pat



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CDinCO
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Posted on Wed, May 05, 2010 11:26

Thanks tink, I already vowed to do that:) he did apologize yesterday.


Courtney :)

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Tinkerbelle
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Posted on Wed, May 05, 2010 00:32

sorry CD I came to this late.

Keep your mouth shut and continue as  if it had never happened. Do you want to interfere in the dynamic of their relationship for a moment of madness?



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CDinCO
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Posted on Tue, May 04, 2010 20:19

So, ran into him tonight... Right off the bat he apologized and said he was wrong and in a "weird" place... I accepted his apology but told him I'm not interested even if things don't work out with "Jane." He seems OK with that. Thank yo all for your kind thoughts and words. I am still going to walk away if he's there moving forward and NOT say anything to Jane...


Courtney :)

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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 14:00

Quoting CDinCO

I have been troubled by something that I'm not sure what to do about. I need to put this out here and ask for advice! I'll try to make it short... I have been friends with this guy for about 3 years, we'll call him John. We met and both hang out at the same tavern. Over the course of our friendship we've had a lot of fun and great conversations. I knew he has been living with a gal, we'll call her Jane, since before I met him and met Jane about a year after John and I did. She and I are now friends too. She travels a lot for her job and has family in Oregon so she's quite a bit. So, while Jane is away he emails me on occasion and asks me to meet him for a drink and watch a game or just hang out. I've always been happy to oblige as I enjoy his company. Last night was one of those nights, so I thought nothing of it. I noticed right off the bat that he was a little more touchy-feely than he normally is and about half way through the night started to tell me that he is not where he'd like to be in his relationship with Jane. When I asked him why, he said one of the reasons is because she's away a lot, but the other is because he's been attracted to me since we first met. I thought he was joking at first and told him I thought the same until I met Jane. John laughed and said "I'M SERIOUS!" I told him that Jane is my friend and I would never do anything to jeopardize that, plus I don't have romantic feelings for him. Without going into great details of the conversation, I dropped it and we moved on until we left. He walked me back to my car and I gave him our normal "Nice to see you" hug and started to turn to get into my car when he grabbed me and planted one on me. I don't mean just a "kiss," I mean he PLANTED one on me. I pushed him away and told him I could not go down that road and left quickly. So, here's my question... I know if I was in Jane's shoes I would want to know. But, I'm afraid of saying anything because I don't want her to blame me or have it get in between our newly formed friendship, nor do I want to ruin whatever relationship THEY have and let them deal with whatever their issues are themselves. I also don't want to stop hanging out at the tavern because I've been going there for years and have other friends there too... On the other hand... I think she deserves to know... What should I do???? It's eating me alive. Right now, I am telling myself to just pretend it never happened and keep doing what I do but stop hanging out with John if Jane's not there. But I feel guilty that I've been put into this position as well. I don't like secrets but I don't like lying even more.... HEEELLLLPPPP!!!!!


@ Sass and my favorite fella! Very good, valid points! I know I have over thought it but it's really freaked me out... yes a boundary has been crossed and I think that's why. Ray, I have been on the "been cheated on" side but found out on my own. It would have been a lot more painless if somebody would have told me... For ME... it's not for everyone. I do appreciate the varying views, they are definitely helping me calm down and rationalize a bit.


Courtney :)

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billzeke
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 13:52

Quoting niceguylooking

Courtney,

 

 

 

You have only a couple of things to think about and for me the answers are very clear.

 

 

 

1 - you need to ask yourself, by telling Jane what is gained, everyone walks away hurt !

 

 

 

2- do you want to hang around with a cheater ? you might be Jane someday.

 

 

 

To me the answers are clear and don't over think it and do not stop going to the place you love to hang out at. Just stay away from John even if he is with Jane.



Excellent advice...



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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 11:07

Love John and Jane...Makes me think of Jack and Jill :) (jk)

On the serious front, seems like John is playing a game and testing how far he can take things. I agree with some of the previous posts that he needs to man up and be honest with Jane.

If he's not willing to do it, then you have a decision to make. Are you ok with walking away from both of them if he doesn't adress this properly?  The fact that you said you weren't interested and he grabbed you and kissed you anyway shows that he did not care for the boundaries you set. You will be dealing with more incidents like that if you remain friends!

 



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NGL2011
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 10:51

Courtney,

 

 

 

You have only a couple of things to think about and for me the answers are very clear.

 

 

 

1 - you need to ask yourself, by telling Jane what is gained, everyone walks away hurt !

 

 

 

2- do you want to hang around with a cheater ? you might be Jane someday.

 

 

 

To me the answers are clear and don't over think it and do not stop going to the place you love to hang out at. Just stay away from John even if he is with Jane.



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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 08:08

Thank Gently. I think I am going to leave Jane out of it. I know she is truely in love with John so he needs to man up and talk to her about their relationship and if I come up... fine, I'll tell her the truth and take it from there. I made it clear to John immediately when he brought it up that initially I was attracted to him but upon learning about Jane, no longer, nor DO/have I had romantic feelings toward him. How much more clear can I be? Even if it was a moment of weekness or just a roll in the hay, he should have picked up on what I was saying but either didn't or didn't care. I laugh at the movie all the time (it's one of my most played dvd's) but do not agree. Most of my frineds are men... if we can't be just friends then I'm a very wanted woman ;) (I jest of course!)


Courtney :)

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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 07:54

@cmp... I didn't "let" him do anything, it was unwanted, unwarranted, and unaccetable and I did not invite it nor allow it. I guess I should have said "attempted" to plant... full on mouth, with tongue... I pushed him away immediately. Alcohol bis not a factor... player, yes, but neither of us drink to the point of inhibition. If you knew me better, as many here do, you would understand where I am coming from and why I am asking. I do think you're on track about jane!


Courtney :)

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MissMonteCarlo
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 07:53

If it was me, I would not tell her. I would again seriously talk to him and explain that you and him will never be. Explain that you only want to be friends and have so much respect for Jane that this is a boundary that you will not cross. Explain that if he continues to make passes at you, your friendship is over and you will only make an appearance when Jane is around. I think that he will respect you for that. At the moment this seems like an exciting game for him. Hope that helps. sarah


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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, May 03, 2010 02:33

Logic dictates, like when Harry Met Sally, a man and woman can't be friends.  At least one will be harboring romantic thoughts, hidden or expressed.  So, like Checkmypulse said, look deep and know how you would have reacted if Jane was not an issue. That tells you what to do next.  

If you would have enjoyed the kiss, walk away, don't look back at either John or Jane. You probably have been cheated on, and couldn't respect the guy that you romanticized disrespecting his GF and your friend. You also have been complicit in the kiss, and have nothing to gain and no good to cause by outing him. Squeeling to his girl, IMHO, with this underlying motivator, would be selfish of you. Someday maybe he'll be free, but he's not now.

But If you would not have enjoyed his kiss, then perhaps he is a selfish cad and should be called to the carpet. Give him two weeks to come clean with his GF before you plan to call her and spill all.  He does not have to confess the kiss, but does have to address the breakdown of the relationship, honestly and clearly, that has his mind wandering.  If he wont agree to do that, out of respect to you and Jane and himself, then he's looking for escape and he's no kind of good.



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shazbot82
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 22:17

lol.go talk to john. Do it when no one else is aorund and when he wont  feel pressured. Just ask him what his real feelings are.

Then encourage him to speak to jane and have a frank discussion about their mutual paths. Maybe Jane isnt all that into him !

 I dont think I would tell Jane just yet. Give him a chance to man up and tell her himself.



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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 21:24

Courtney....you're in a tight spot. For what it's worth....I wouldn't tell anyone anything. It seems he was lonely and attracted to you and wanted to test the waters.....you gave him his answer and if you have a true friendship....he probably and hopefully saw his mistake and is sorry for it. Maybe he has called already to apologize? Anyway...if you want things to remain as they were, I would sweep this under the rug....but what do I know? I'm the type that will bury my head in the sand when things get uncomfortable. Telling Jane is very tricky indeed...it's kind of like telling a friend you saw her husband having dinner with someone else....she might forgive her husband after he sells her a long story...but she won't forgive you for telling her about it or the embarrassment it caused her. OR...another example...we can rant and rave and say all kinds of bad things about our closet relatives....but if who you are telling agrees with you and adds their two cents worth.....hey, all bets are off!

 

Ok...I'm with Pat....I don't really know what the heck I'm talking about, but maybe you might get a little good stuff from all these different replies.

 

Theo



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Arizona53
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 21:21

This is a tough call. I once had a situation where I knew that one of my male friends Zane, was cheating with another woman, on a relationship that he was having with one of my female friends, Joanne. I confronted him about it and told him that I would not offer up the information to Joanne but, if she asked me I wouldn't lie. I really just didn't want to hurt her or get involved and felt he should "Man up" and do the right thing. He didn't....and to top it all off....she asked me.....I didn't lie....long story short, they broke up, but Joanne is happily married to someone else.....As for Zane.....I don't really know if he'll ever be happy, seems he is always looking..... I think you should talk to him and have him "Man up" and tell the truth to her. If the relationship survives then it does..... Mistakes are mistakes and no one is perfect, so if she knows and forgives him...that is her choice to make....not his, not yours....In the end, you cannot compromise who you are, or let go of your integrity in order to protect someone else....


"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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checkmypulse
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 20:01

I am seeing it this way. You said you have no interest but you let him "plant" one on you. mixed signals to john. If jane was not in the picture, how would you have re-acted? And was the other actor involved here, mr. alcohol?! jmho b.s. jane is not in the picture.


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CDinCO
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 19:53

Pat and Sophia - Thanks ladies! I wasn't expecting this to post until tomorrow. I will keep checking for posts or further thoughts and advice as I can. As I'm sure you can tell, I've been super busy with my AWESOME new job and with the tail end of this semester coming to a close next week. I can't afford to have this interrupt what's important to me right now. I will take each into consideration and weigh all options as well as continue to read what everybody else has to say too. The more I think about it, the angrier and hurt I get. It was wrong and very selfish of John. I will stay away from there and him for a while and see if my feelings subside. I don't know if I can be friends with somebody who would do that, especially when Jane's still in the picture. I have been playing scenario's about the conversation with Jan in my head but I don't see any positive outcome from it. On one side of the fence, I feel she needs to know. On the other side, it's HIS responsibility to tell her as not only did I not instigate it but he needs to come clean, even if they try to stay together. The other thought is retaliation... He doesn't seem the type but I did bruise his ego a bit I'm sure. I'm praying he doesn't turn the table on me... I'm still up in the air but thank you for jumping in to help!


Courtney :)

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Curious2078
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Posted on Sun, May 02, 2010 19:07

OH, SHIT.  I MEAN, REALLY, OH SHIT.  Courtney, I've been in this situation more than once and I've never truly been sure of  the right thing to do.  It's always come down to gut reaction.    My gut now is telling me that you need to tell Jane what happened.  But, honestly, Sweetie, I'm not sure.  Are you closer to Jane than you are to John?  If so, the answer is clear.  Tell Jane.  

 

 

Otherwise.....Hell....I do not know.  I just hope others weigh in here---I especially hope TINK weighs in.  That lady for sure will have a most definitive answer for you....not to mention Shaz.....or Gently....or Sophia....or any of the women who frequent this arena....  

 

 

Crikey, Sweetie....I'm at a loss.  So sorry.....Hoping and praying the other ladies here who are far more "authoritative"on this subject than I  am will pick up on this blog and give you their expert advice...

 

 

In the meantime.....hope you can relax a bit knowing far more wisdom than I can offer is no doubt on its way to you....

 

 

Pat 



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