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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 12:40

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise. "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."


Courtney :)

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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 12:39

Bubba and Cooter were standing at the base of a flagpole in Midland, Texas, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'But we don't have a ladder.' The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away. Cooter shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Bubba and Cooter are currently supervising the reconstruction of New Orleans.


Courtney :)

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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 10:54

Bill, your joke is hilarious! AND...you are officially a redneck too.



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 10:52

Quoting boorah

You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen. Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. N on A thletic S port C reated A round R ednecks


Baahaaha...the OJ trial - never heard that one.



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 10:51

Quoting Star41354

Redneck Palm Pilot....


LOL. I love this one.



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 10:50

Quoting Conyersguy

GW & CD,   I am doing the "I'm not worthy" bow to you both !!!  I thought I'd seen all of these, but you sneaked a few new ones in, plus some great oldies. 

 

Thank you !!!!!   I don't have a taxidermist on speed dial, but I probably know more than 20.  Does that count??



Redneck.  All three syllables worth.



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 10:48

Quoting The_Rose

That is a funny joke!Does it matter what color socks???My dad used to wear white. Does that count lol



Oh, that counts.  Yup, TOTAL redneck.



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Arizona53
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 09:20

Quoting billzeke

 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...
    
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a**holes.'
'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two a**holes.'



OK, now THIS is funny.....LMAO!



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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billzeke
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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 09:17

 

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...
    
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.  You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two a**holes.'
'What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two a**holes.'



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Posted on Mon, Mar 22, 2010 04:22

Quoting GentlyWoman

Ok, I'll get ya'll goin' here...

You might be a redneck if...

  1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
  2. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
  3. There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home.
  4. You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  5. The primary color of your car is "Bondo."
  6. Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road."
  7. Your family tree does not fork.
  8. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  9. You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during your kid's piano recital.
  10. You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines


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The_Rose
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 19:15

Quoting GentlyWoman

Uh, my dad does wear black knee-socks with walking shorts and sandals.  I think that counts.

 

Ring Ring... 

“Hello, is this the FBI?” 

“Yes. How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“We'll get right on that, sir, thank you for the tip.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!” 

“Did they chop up your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

 



That is a funny joke!Does it matter what color socks???My dad used to wear white. Does that count lol



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 18:57

Uh, my dad does wear black knee-socks with walking shorts and sandals.  I think that counts.

 

Ring Ring... 

“Hello, is this the FBI?” 

“Yes. How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“We'll get right on that, sir, thank you for the tip.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!” 

“Did they chop up your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

 



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 18:46

Ok, you asked for it, now...

  1. You belong to a beer of the month club.
  2. It's midnight and everyone one your street knows what album you're playing.
  3. You celebrate every night like it's New Year's Eve.
  4. You've ever hitchhiked naked.
  5. Your bumper sticker says, "My child whipped your honor student's ass."
  6. You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture taken.
  7. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  8. You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.
  9. Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
  10. You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
  11. You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.
  12. You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the door making sparks.
  13. You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
  14. Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.
  15. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  16. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  17. You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
  18. You see no need to stop at a rest area because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  19. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  20. Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  21. You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
  22. Lawn ornamentation means a Chevy and a Buick.
  23. You go to family reunions to meet women.
  24. You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
  25. You call your boss "dude."
  26. You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  27. You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
  28. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
  29. You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
  30. Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
  31. You have a gun rack on your bass boat.
  32. You prepare for a bubble bath by eating beans.


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Curious2078
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 17:30

Quoting billzeke

My Mom wore combat boots. That's a dead giveaway. lol...

 

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.



OMG--I'm almost ready to pee my pants over that one.....

Pat



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The_Rose
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 16:05

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as " the day your ship came in"



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Curious2078
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 15:28

Quoting Conyersguy

GW & CD,   I am doing the "I'm not worthy" bow to you both !!!  I thought I'd seen all of these, but you sneaked a few new ones in, plus some great oldies. 

 

Thank you !!!!!   I don't have a taxidermist on speed dial, but I probably know more than 20.  Does that count??


More than 20 CG????  Holy Moly.  I know about 5--and only two of them are worth the cost of the frames the hides go on.... 

 

 

And TO GENTLY:  Like CG, I've found a lot of new ones in here to guffaw over.  Plus, I've printed all of them out and will be typing them up [minus the dupes] to print out and give to my deli/restaurant staff as required reading.  I insist they all get at least one uproarious laugh per day.

 

 

Pat



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billzeke
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 15:00

My Mom wore combat boots. That's a dead giveaway. lol...

 

You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.



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Curious2078
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Posted on Sun, Mar 21, 2010 08:06

Quoting GentlyWoman

Bill, Candee, AZ, Rose, Molly...don't you think we laugh at this stuff because it describes at least one person on our very recent family tree?  LOL



Could be, Gently.  Especially that Grandma with ammo on her Christmas list....

Oh, wait a minute.  That's not one of my grandmothers--THAT'S ME!!!!  [LOL]

Pat aka Molly



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CDinCO
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Posted on Sat, Mar 20, 2010 19:20

Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til afternoon. And.... The best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.


Courtney :)

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CDinCO
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Posted on Sat, Mar 20, 2010 19:18

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.


Courtney :)

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