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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Sun, Mar 07, 2010 16:44

MM Syndicate - G-Woe Is Us - March 7, 2010

MM Syndicate is happy to acknowledge the new kid in town.  The Limp Wrist Bar and Grill, in MM City, has opened recently, to meteoric applause, thanks to the ingenious teamwork of proprietors, Newman and Tink.  The opening last week proved to be one of the most successful in the history of MM City, and the The Limp Wrist has quickly established a regular clientelle.  While, from the portion of this writer's memory which is still intact, the food, drink and entertainment value of The Limp Wrist deserves ALL five stars, most notable is the unique sales strategy employed by Newman and Tink:  Since most of the loyal customers are unemployed alcoholics, they’ve created a policy affectionately referred to as the “Drink Now Pay Later” plan.

The plan works this way: The Limp Wrist keeps track of all drinks consumed on a ledger kept by their accountant, only known as AZ, effectively granting loans to future-paying customers. Word has spread quickly about The Limp Wrist’s “Drink Now Pay Later” marketing strategy and as a result, record numbers of customers have flooded into the bar.  The Limp Wrist has recently seen the largest sales volume for any bar in the larger MM area. By providing their customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, The Limp Wrist saw no resistance when, recently, the proprietors substantially increased prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages, and, in fact, within a matter of days, sales volume has increased massively.

We interviewed the Limp Wrist’s local banker, Alby Middleman.  Says Alby, “We recognize these consumer debts as being valuable future assets, and have dramatically increased the Limp Wrist's borrowing limit. We see no reason for undue concern over this unprecedented decision, since we hold the debts of the unemployed alcoholics for collateral.”  At Mr. Middleman’s corporate bank headquarters, expert traders, he states, have transformed these consumer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS, which are then traded on security markets worldwide.

Though it is disclosed to investors that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are, in fact, the debts of unemployed alcoholics, Alby remarked that most investors are excited about the future of the Bonds, and typically are not concerned with the disclosure process.  These Bond prices continued, until today, to climb, and the securities became the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

Earlier this week, although the bond prices continued to climb, Madden Moody, a risk manager at the bank, began to call for payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at The Limp Wrist bar.  Mr. Moody has subsequently been fired by the bank and was not available for interview.

The proprietors at The Limp Wrist, however, at the insistence of the bank’s regulators, have been required to demand payment from the alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed, it appears that these loyal customers are unable to pay back their drinking debts. Since the bar cannot fulfill its loan obligations, its expert financial team has filed Chapter 13, a restructuring bankruptcy, thereby allowing The Limp Wrist to keep its doors open to serve its growing clientele, while removing the debt obligation. Both DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND have dropped in price by 90% since Gall Street opened this morning. PUKEBOND is currently performing better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%. The decreased bond asset value has hit the bank’s liquidity hard, and Mr. Middleman has commented that it will halt the issuance of any new loans.

The suppliers of The Limp Wrist Bar and Grill, having granted generous payment extensions and invested in the securities, are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% of their company’s equity on the Bar Bonds. The bar’s beer and wine supplier claimed bankruptcy this week, and The Limp Wrist edible panty supplier has been taken over by a competitor, who has announced plans to close the local plant and lay off 50 workers. The bank and brokerage houses have been rescued by the Government, following the dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout have been reported to have been obtained by a new membership fee levied on employed middle/upper-class nondrinking patrons of The Limp Wrist, as well a tax imposed upon MM City residents, many of which, in recent polls, deny having ever visited the establishment.

The current environment at The Limp Wrist is business and debauchery as usual.  Do visit this unique and lively Bar and Grill…and consider a paid membership for the sake of the entire world-wide economy.



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Alchem_US_t
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Posted on Wed, May 05, 2010 04:12

Gee Dubya, I see that Blah-gland has a new city, with a new bar and EVERYTHING... woo hoo! And, my dear, just who are YOU? I don't recall ever seeing you in these here parts, saddling up to the rail for some head... hmmm? So we've faved each other now... out of some misguided sense of Fiscal Sobriety, or because we both recognize true Grace when it presents itself? (another) hmmm? Well, since I'm no longer a voting constituent in this here town, I'd like to ask the kind lady to please write to me sometime so as to further this whatever-it-is thing we've started, (and another) hmmm? Like those 'hmmm's? They go great with the head... Geo, my man... when are you going to be at Antoine's? For God's sake, dude, don't EVEN tell me that you're coming to Austin without calling or writing me! Hey gang, my little nay-borhood here in the City of Weirdness is having a shindig (ed. note: just what the Hell IS a shindig, anyway? Us Yankees are SOOO clueless) this Saturday, and one Shelley Hirini is going to be putting on a private performance for our small little 'Commune on the edge of the DMZ' here in Austin. She's a friend of one of my neighbors, and Shelley has opened for Elton John on previous tours (albeit unconfirmed information, but I believe the source).

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~ Mark "Doing my part to KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD..."

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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Fri, Mar 12, 2010 21:05

Quoting thenewman

I will be traveling quite a bit the next several weeks and will be at Antoine's in a private seating area.  If you care to buy dinner there and meet a few of my friends for a typical Limp Wrist reception I will see you there.  If not maybe a trip to the Diva Viva Cafe is more in order. 



Just like a man.  I asked the Google gods where I should wait for you, and they told me you will have to be more specific.  There's a lot riding on this deal, G, I would think you'd be more eager to shake on it.



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Posted on Fri, Mar 12, 2010 06:20

Quoting GentlyWoman

Next.  George.  George, George.

This writer has growing concern over your lack of concern, concerning the PUKEbonds offered by your establishment. On close scrutiny of your financials and operations, it appears that you wish to be the "silent partner" and yet, Tink, your managing partner, seems to also provide the majority of capital.  Just what DO you bring to this partnership?  I'd be happy to discuss this over dinner.  Preferable, actually, since I will subsequently charge the 30M to MM Syndicate as a business expense, while you do that dance you do. 




I will be traveling quite a bit the next several weeks and will be at Antoine's in a private seating area.  If you care to buy dinner there and meet a few of my friends for a typical Limp Wrist reception I will see you there.  If not maybe a trip to the Diva Viva Cafe is more in order. 



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 00:38

Quoting duchesse22

LOL

slump economy.......hope the future assets for this bar does not loose their head!!!!

 



And Duchess...lady among ladies...I, for one, am counting on the bar losing their head.  The bartenders pour their beer with far too much head, IMHO.  The extra foam makes customers full too quickly, causing them to order too few drinks...bad for the bottom line, and prohibitive of future assets. 

 

Less head should lead to a slumpier clientele, don't you think?



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 00:28

Quoting Tinkerbelle

I feel its necessary to jump in at this point In effect the huge revenues from the various bonds have greatly increased the gross national product of America. The Limp Wrist has been saved by investors taking up franchising options throughout Europe thanks to Tink and Georges forward financial planning. Whilst it would be correct to say the company has experienced teething problems due to over expansion and over drinking by its patrons the Limp Wrist is confident of its future. Soon to be available for investors are the  new investment bonds. The Make up and fake up, and  the Tranny Bond. We forsee these bonds will quickly go global.

We look forward to many more debauched years of trading at the Limp Wrist Bar and Grill 



Tink, I'm so glad you jumped in, since we did clear the trampoline just for you.  But don't take my word for it...the applause when you did must have been so encouraging.

 

I am absolutely convinced that your teething problems are a thing of the past, and remain hopeful about the MAKEUP, the FAKEUP and the TYRANNY bonds.  Our beloved country is founded upon such greatness.  Let us not forget the brainchild of our forefathers...the BOSTON bond.  I personally celebrate that every year with my own little crumpets and tea party.  Perhaps you will join me this year, in commemoration, and we can discuss further options to increase your revenues.

 

 



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 00:12

Quoting thenewman

Propaganda I say.  The Limp is financially strong and very popular... No chapter 13, maybe chapter 69.... ...AIG and CITI wanted to buy our PUKE Bonds to be part of the bailouts but LWB&G mgmt had no desires to sell out our normal patrons.  We all enjoy stimulus however not to sell out our regular Freddies....lol...Anyone else get this??



Next.  George.  George, George.

This writer has growing concern over your lack of concern, concerning the PUKEbonds offered by your establishment. On close scrutiny of your financials and operations, it appears that you wish to be the "silent partner" and yet, Tink, your managing partner, seems to also provide the majority of capital.  Just what DO you bring to this partnership?  I'd be happy to discuss this over dinner.  Preferable, actually, since I will subsequently charge the 30M to MM Syndicate as a business expense, while you do that dance you do. 



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 00:00

Quoting Curious2078

Oh, my dear Gently:  As dire as the situation seems at the moment, I must tell you that the Limp Wrist is about to be SAVED utterly.  I, an American citizen, just received an email--all in boldfaced caps, mind you--telling me that I have won the Nigerian Lottery to the tune of 587 million US dollars.  The USA government has already taken their share which leaves me with 290 million US dollars.  I have just....this very second as we speak....tranferred 100 million of those dollars to The Limp Wrist bank accounts.

No, this is not a scam.  This is for real.  My accountant, the brilliant Arizona of Calgary, Canada, has confirmed that all transfers have been made and The Limp Wrist can continue operating as it has been--and forget about worrying money for at least a full month!!!!!

As for the demise of our Edible Underwear Supplier....that is pure rumor.  The Edible Underwear is alive and well and a new superduper shipment is on it's way to T&G's as we speak.

See you tomorrow evening, Girlfriend.  We have a whale of a good show to put on....Trust you'll be up for it.  I'm sure ready.

Molly "The Money" Munch

Again---this is not a scam.  I've talked with my lawyers, my bankers, and the Nigerian officials, and they all agree.  This is a most unusual, phenomenally oddball, but neverhtheless true event.   



Ok, first, to Molly.  Scrumptious, you really have made good.  The Nigerians contacted me as well, claiming that they were referred by you, and that I was also to be expecting to receive 300 million.  I will, of course, reserve 30 million for dinner with George, should he EVER decide to check back and collect, while donating the other 270 million to the charity of Tink's choice. 

I thank you again, dear Molly So Jolly, for your fine display of acrobatics, and trust that we will meet ringside.  On the note of Edible Underwear (EU for short), I have discovered that there is an aftermarket for those partially eaten...apparently China is in short supply and has been attempting to provide knock-offs.  Yet as we know, those knocked off have a slight hint of "Dead Sea", and are thus less marketable.  Your EUs have been so popular that my lab is attempting to collect scraps for a new quilted style.  Please contact me for more details.


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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Wed, Mar 10, 2010 23:57

I apologize humbly to my dear plethora of reader, that I haven't been here to respond.  Mud-wrestling seems to have gotten me into a little "bind", as far as my time and energies are concerned.   Deep cleansing breath, everyone.



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duchesse22
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Posted on Mon, Mar 08, 2010 15:36

LOL

slump economy.......hope the future assets for this bar does not loose their head!!!!

 



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Tinkerbelle
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Posted on Sun, Mar 07, 2010 23:43

Quoting thenewman

Propaganda I say.  The Limp is financially strong and very popular... No chapter 13, maybe chapter 69.... ...AIG and CITI wanted to buy our PUKE Bonds to be part of the bailouts but LWB&G mgmt had no desires to sell out our normal patrons.  We all enjoy stimulus however not to sell out our regular Freddies....lol...Anyone else get this??



I feel its necessary to jump in at this point In effect the huge revenues from the various bonds have greatly increased the gross national product of America. The Limp Wrist has been saved by investors taking up franchising options throughout Europe thanks to Tink and Georges forward financial planning. Whilst it would be correct to say the company has experienced teething problems due to over expansion and over drinking by its patrons the Limp Wrist is confident of its future. Soon to be available for investors are the  new investment bonds. The Make up and fake up, and  the Tranny Bond. We forsee these bonds will quickly go global.

We look forward to many more debauched years of trading at the Limp Wrist Bar and Grill 



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Posted on Sun, Mar 07, 2010 20:08

Propaganda I say.  The Limp is financially strong and very popular... No chapter 13, maybe chapter 69.... ...AIG and CITI wanted to buy our PUKE Bonds to be part of the bailouts but LWB&G mgmt had no desires to sell out our normal patrons.  We all enjoy stimulus however not to sell out our regular Freddies....lol...Anyone else get this??



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Curious2078
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Posted on Sun, Mar 07, 2010 18:25

Oh, my dear Gently:  As dire as the situation seems at the moment, I must tell you that the Limp Wrist is about to be SAVED utterly.  I, an American citizen, just received an email--all in boldfaced caps, mind you--telling me that I have won the Nigerian Lottery to the tune of 587 million US dollars.  The USA government has already taken their share which leaves me with 290 million US dollars.  I have just....this very second as we speak....tranferred 100 million of those dollars to The Limp Wrist bank accounts.

No, this is not a scam.  This is for real.  My accountant, the brilliant Arizona of Calgary, Canada, has confirmed that all transfers have been made and The Limp Wrist can continue operating as it has been--and forget about worrying money for at least a full month!!!!!

As for the demise of our Edible Underwear Supplier....that is pure rumor.  The Edible Underwear is alive and well and a new superduper shipment is on it's way to T&G's as we speak.

See you tomorrow evening, Girlfriend.  We have a whale of a good show to put on....Trust you'll be up for it.  I'm sure ready.

Molly "The Money" Munch

Again---this is not a scam.  I've talked with my lawyers, my bankers, and the Nigerian officials, and they all agree.  This is a most unusual, phenomenally oddball, but neverhtheless true event.   



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