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Colonoscopy A Must Read *LOL* Sort by:
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Dekan09
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Posted on Tue, Mar 02, 2010 18:58

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize winning huor columinst for the Miami Herald and this is his colonoscopy journal.

I called a friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterolgist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a through, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my shrieking HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND.

I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep", which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later. For now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day. All I had was chicken broth, which is basically water only with less taste. In the evening I took the MoviPrep. You mix 2 packet of powder together in a one liter plastic jub, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes, and here I am being kind, like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, a loose watery bowel movement may result. This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative! I don't want to be too graphic here but, have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not eaten yet. After an action packed evening I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, what if I spurt on Andy? How do you apolkogize to a friend for something like that??? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people. I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hsopital garments designed by sadist perverts. You know the kind that when you put it on it makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of that but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself to tipsy to make it to the bathroom. You'd be staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house down.

When ecerything was ready Eddie whelled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I already knew Andy has it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room and I recognized the song was "Dancing Queen" by Abba. I remarked to Andy that of all the song that could be playing during this particular procedure had to be the least appropriate song in the world. You want me to turn it up Andy said from somewhere behind me. Ha ha I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you in explicit detail exactly what it was like.

I have no idea??? Really! I slept through it. One moment Abba was yelling Dancing Queen feel the beat of the tambourine and then next moment I was back in the other room waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent! I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over and that my colon passed with flying colors. I had never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies. They are no joke but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physican claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was perform their colonoscopies.

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. Find Amnelia Earhart yet?

3. Are we there yet? Are there yet? Are we there yet?

4. Can you hear me now?

5.You know in Arkansas we're now legally married.

6. Any sign of trapped miners chief?

7. You put your left hand in you take your left hand out.

8. Hey now you know how a muppet feels!

9. If you hand doesnt fit you must quit!

10. Hey doc let me kinow if you find my dignity.

11. You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?

12. God now I know why I am not gay.

13. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 



Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. President Ronald Reagan

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Dekan09
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Posted on Tue, Mar 09, 2010 19:21

I'm so glad that you liked it. Hot doc gotta love it!



Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. President Ronald Reagan

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Dekan09
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Posted on Fri, Mar 05, 2010 04:16

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Even as I was typing it I was laughing like crazy!



Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. President Ronald Reagan

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shazbot82
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 18:40

ARi you may have have had shorter probe. I actually woke up and watched some of it on the doctors monitor.Fascinating in a weird disconnected way. Then I noticed that the light shining "on me" was made in the town I grew up in, started laughing and they knocked me out.


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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 09:05

I remember waking up halfway throught the procedure telling the doctor to stop doing whatever he was doing because it hurt, and then promptly went back to sleep. I must have slept right through the air thing......LMAO!



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Dekan09
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 03:48

Yes he did! I was the only person in the room for 5 minutes after my procedure. I was a little quieter than my neighbor once he rolled in. *L*



Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. President Ronald Reagan

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shazbot82
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Posted on Tue, Mar 02, 2010 20:34

He forgot to mention after effects.... being the rather spectacular releases of " AIR" that gets trapped up inside when you have this procedure. Very loud, very long, and very very very embarrassing ! ps. the probe is only 14 feet long !


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