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Arizona53
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Posted on Sat, Feb 27, 2010 21:17

I read an article today in the Globe and Mail about "Chronic Loneliness." The article is based on a book written by Emily White, "Lonely: Learning to Live with Solitude." The writer basically states that loneliness can be classed as a syndrome that is not easily diagnosed.

The book writer basically states that during a period of her life until she was in her early to mid thirties that she felt overcome by a feeling of grave disconnection, one that kept her from forming new friendships and intimate relationships and made social interaction of even the most trivial nature a daunting task. Not to be confused with depression, her loneliness is described by her as something ¿real and purposeful,¿ a ¿sweeping realization¿ that the thing she longed for most ¿ meaningful human contact ¿ slipped painfully beyond her grasp.

The article writer says that after a week of sitting in a room alone working that she too avoided social contacts and withdraws from even the most simple things, like having coffee with a friend. It's a wariness of the connection followed by an intense longing for the very same thing.

I have felt this same type of disconnect at various times. Strange to find that this is now the "Affliction Du Jour."



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Thu, Mar 11, 2010 10:57

Quoting CDinCO

Maybe that's it, maybe it's that I surround myself with people a lot. Other than the social aspects of school, I go out with friends a lot or am in contact with them in one form or another and it seems to satisfy me. I will admit, a day or two ago I had a "PANG" of loneliness, not sure where it came from or what caused it, I attributed it to my father leaving after a lovely visit... but it was gone the next day... bizarre!!!


I have a friend staying with me right now, who has been my friend since my early 20's. I am positive that when she leaves me later this month to go back home, I will surely feel that same "Pang" that you had when your father left.

 

Surrounding yourself with people is probably a good way to keep the loneliness at bay. I have a bit of a problem with that in that I am in a place that I am still not very familiar or friendly with....I am hoping for vast improvements this year....LOL!



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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CDinCO
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Posted on Wed, Mar 10, 2010 14:30

Quoting Arizona53

CD, I don't know when we go from the "something is missing" stage to outright feeling lonely, but I know I've had it on occasion. Thankfully not all the time. 

 

A lot of the reading I've done suggests that we are never alone because God, Your Higher Power, the Universe or whatever you want to call it, is always with you. It helps me to get over that feeling and move on.....even if its only as far as my bed....LOL!



Maybe that's it, maybe it's that I surround myself with people a lot. Other than the social aspects of school, I go out with friends a lot or am in contact with them in one form or another and it seems to satisfy me. I will admit, a day or two ago I had a "PANG" of loneliness, not sure where it came from or what caused it, I attributed it to my father leaving after a lovely visit... but it was gone the next day... bizarre!!!


Courtney :)

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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 10, 2010 12:56

Quoting GentlyWoman

I am responding, since, although I have not really been man-handled by lonliness or depression from within, I have sure felt it BIG, since, for over 15 years, my Ex ALWAYS did, regardless of circumstances or surroundings.  For him, it was totally and completely inescapable. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

My heart goes out, and if I can offer any insight, feel free to message me.



I believe that people get what they think about, so if your ex continues to think about being lonely....he will always be lonely, and it won't matter if he is alone or in a room full of people. 

 

I also believe that I am never alone, because God is with me, but, that I can feel lonely only because I don't have the intimate relationship I would like to have. Cha's therapist says we are born to mate, and I think that is just a basic human instinct somewhat like animals have.

 

We all belive differently so what I believe may not be what someone else believes. We are all different.



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 10, 2010 12:51

Quoting chawita

OK, I spoke with my therapist today. While she hasn't heard of chronic loneliness as a seperate syndrome, she did tell me this interesting theory of the impressions we get from birth on. She gave me the example of someone changing a baby's diaper, that the baby will keep that impression of whether the parent was emotionally involved or detached and that the personality develops based on those impressions. She also said that according to the "Imago" model, us people are not meant to be alone but are meant to seek a mate. She said that the people who prefer to be alone usually have some condition p.e. authism or depression. That doesn't mean that a person can't like being alone (this develops from when we're infants), but basically everyone is programmed to eventually seek a mate. I guess that explains us being here :)


I can see where the impressions of the baby would happen. In all the reading that I've done every book refers to the impressions that we get from infancy and all through our lives which are the basic blue prints to our personalities, likes, dislikes and so on. 

 

It is nice to know that I really do have a reason to be here looking......LOL!

 

Thanks Chawita!



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GentlyWoman
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Posted on Tue, Mar 09, 2010 16:05

I am responding, since, although I have not really been man-handled by lonliness or depression from within, I have sure felt it BIG, since, for over 15 years, my Ex ALWAYS did, regardless of circumstances or surroundings.  For him, it was totally and completely inescapable. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

My heart goes out, and if I can offer any insight, feel free to message me.



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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 08:35

Quoting CDinCO

Agreed... Nevertheless, although I am SOLO, I am not alone. I, too, would like to have that special someone to be the last person I see at night (other than my reflection in the mirror) but do I feel lonely because of it... not really... Most of the time I thank GOD for peace in my life... lolol... take that as you may... Don't get me wrong, after throwing my ex's @$$ in jail and packing up over a weekend while he was gone, I felt tremendous loss and lonliness but it too did pass.... I wish I had some sage words of advice. We all handle these emotional issues on our own terms. I don't think I have any tricks or fancy potions (except a nice bottle of wine with frequency) to offer. I tend to thrive under pressure so I think that has a lot to do with my boot straps...


CD, I don't know when we go from the "something is missing" stage to outright feeling lonely, but I know I've had it on occasion. Thankfully not all the time. 

 

A lot of the reading I've done suggests that we are never alone because God, Your Higher Power, the Universe or whatever you want to call it, is always with you. It helps me to get over that feeling and move on.....even if its only as far as my bed....LOL!



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 08:31

Quoting chawita

I sent her an e-mail about the topic. Hopefully I can get an appointment with her for next week. I'll keep you posted.


Thanks Chawita, this should be interesting.



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Wed, Mar 03, 2010 08:30

Quoting shazbot82

i think this is actually a very common occurance. I have gone through periods of dis-connection that I would label "Lost-causitive depression". My depressed state was brought on by real losses, such a breaking off an important and very desired relationship. or the real stress of a lenghty ,nasty custody battle. Those types of life experiences cause many to shut down emotionally in order to get through the crisis. Once over with, normal behavior comes back. I am often alone, but rarely am I lonely.


Shaz, I have experienced this shut down as well. It takes awhile to come back from it, I use what I call baby steps because it can be a little overwhelming. I don't know that I would put the real losses in the same category as loneliness though. It seems to me that even people who are surrounded by others with whom they have an intimate connection, can still feel loss without feeling lonely.



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Posted on Tue, Mar 02, 2010 20:48

i think this is actually a very common occurance. I have gone through periods of dis-connection that I would label "Lost-causitive depression". My depressed state was brought on by real losses, such a breaking off an important and very desired relationship. or the real stress of a lenghty ,nasty custody battle. Those types of life experiences cause many to shut down emotionally in order to get through the crisis. Once over with, normal behavior comes back. I am often alone, but rarely am I lonely.


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CDinCO
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Posted on Tue, Mar 02, 2010 09:03

Quoting Arizona53

I am having a good time making the connection between these feelings of being lonely and my blog on Excuses. I have found a few correlations on the excuses to why I sometimes feel lonely. Thankfully being more aware, means I can figure them out too. I don't always feel lonely, but, there are times.

 

The biggest time has to be in the time before sleep, it feels like......going through the motions, there's no one to talk to, no one to ask you how your day was, and no one to laugh at you as you plaster your face so you can look good for them the next day....LOL! This is not an every night occurance, just an awareness at times.

 

I think it's great when people are so comfortable with everything that they never experience being lonely. Which again should not be confused with being alone.....the feeling is not the same.



Agreed... Nevertheless, although I am SOLO, I am not alone. I, too, would like to have that special someone to be the last person I see at night (other than my reflection in the mirror) but do I feel lonely because of it... not really... Most of the time I thank GOD for peace in my life... lolol... take that as you may... Don't get me wrong, after throwing my ex's @$$ in jail and packing up over a weekend while he was gone, I felt tremendous loss and lonliness but it too did pass.... I wish I had some sage words of advice. We all handle these emotional issues on our own terms. I don't think I have any tricks or fancy potions (except a nice bottle of wine with frequency) to offer. I tend to thrive under pressure so I think that has a lot to do with my boot straps...


Courtney :)

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Arizona53
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Posted on Tue, Mar 02, 2010 08:35

Quoting CDinCO

Boy, this is a tough one... I can honestly agree with much of what has already been said but, consequently disagree with it at the same time. There are different definitions for lonliness, some of which are a psychological longing, others a "state of mind" as suggested, yet others can be self imposed. I know I have rarely felt lonely, less the time I left my ex to start my life over again but re-discovered myself at the same time and became proud of who I was and currently am. I don't think I've otherwise had such a longing before. I don't know if that makes me a strong/confident person or if I'm in denial... If I'm in denial, then it is a place I have been for 40 years and don't know any better. I can honestly say I am not lonely, I do not feel alone and I am content with myself, my life's course, my decisions and my future. There are many factors that contribute to feeling lonely. Making a major life change such as leaving home, ending a relationship, changing jobs, or moving to a new geographical location can put a person in a position to experience loneliness. When we are separated from familiar people and places, we often feel disconnected, like we don't belong, for a time. Usually, as we meet people and become familiar with places, the feeling subsides fairly quickly. Much of the emotional pain we experience as loneliness comes from our negative interpretation of our current life situation. To overcome loneliness, take positive, rather than defensive action. Avoid withdrawing. Challenge your irrational self-thoughts, take time to develop personal interests and self-awareness, and seek contacts with others through a wide range work, personal, and social interactions. Maintain a balance involvement and enjoying your time alone. I LOVE "ME" time!!!


I am having a good time making the connection between these feelings of being lonely and my blog on Excuses. I have found a few correlations on the excuses to why I sometimes feel lonely. Thankfully being more aware, means I can figure them out too. I don't always feel lonely, but, there are times.

 

The biggest time has to be in the time before sleep, it feels like......going through the motions, there's no one to talk to, no one to ask you how your day was, and no one to laugh at you as you plaster your face so you can look good for them the next day....LOL! This is not an every night occurance, just an awareness at times.

 

I think it's great when people are so comfortable with everything that they never experience being lonely. Which again should not be confused with being alone.....the feeling is not the same.



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010 22:01

Quoting Sophia2048

Girls! I think it loneliness starts in the moment ..when we don't love ourselves anymore. It is first symptom of disappointment and first step to became depressed. Loneliness is not the same as being alone. Is unwanted solitude,does not require aloneness and is often experienced even in crowded places. This can manifest in feelings of abandonment (like Lisa said), rejection, depression, insecurity, anxity, hopeleness, unworthiness and resentment. Low self- esteem will often trigger the social disconnection whitch can lead to loneliness. WE HAVE TO LOVE OURSELVES THAT MUCH..that outside world doesn't bottered. Only then..if we are in love with ourselves we are able to open our heart to love someone very deeply. I think!


I believe this as well, Sophia, but, I also think that loneliness can also be a lack of intimacy. My friend has just suffered her 3rd nervous breakdown, and I believe the onset of this, is her lack of intimacy with people. I don't think she loves herself, so in that regard you are correct.

I think there are so many different reasons that we feel lonely. Which is not the same as being alone. As a single person I don't mind being alone at times, but the intimate connection with someone is the part that makes me feel lonely. And I really do love who I am, who I've become, so not loving myself is not the reason for the loneliness I feel at times. Of course being in a new city and not knowing a whole lot of people doesn't help much either.......



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Arizona53
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Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010 21:48

Quoting chawita

Funny you should mention this. I was just recently wondering why it is that most of my life I felt out of place in whatever environment I find myself. I was diagnosed with depression so I just figured it was a symptom. Seeing loneliness as a seperate syndrome puts everything into a new perspective. I'll have to talk to my therapist about this. Now if only they can find an effective treatment...


Chawita, I would be very interested to know what she says about this. If it is possible please comment on here or let me know on here and I will e-mail you so you can e-mail to me.



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Arizona53
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Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010 21:46

Quoting annacath

I don't know if my theory on this is correct but I believe disconnecting is a manner of a state of mind to tell us that something is wrong and that we need to take time to find our true selves back. I've always been surrounded by a lot of people friends, colleagues at work, customers and so on. Being a work alcoholic I didn't have had to think about myself and my proper life. I do disconnect by purpose when there's a need to get new energy and evaluate where I am standing in my life and where I would like to be in a near future. For those who are aware being disconnected in their lives, should take time to analyze why and when it started and what they can do to re-connect. I am reading a psychological magazine now explaining about Mindfulness therapy or positive psychology. I also did find an author; Judith Orloff who wrote Emotional freedom. Annacath


Most of my reading dictates that being aware that you have a problem or a disconnect is half the battle. The other half is as you said, discovering the reason and then reconnecting. There are those, however, according to this that are not aware of their disconnection and that can lead to depression, anxiety or other problems. Who is the author of the Mindfulness therapy?



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CDinCO
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Posted on Mon, Mar 01, 2010 10:58

Boy, this is a tough one... I can honestly agree with much of what has already been said but, consequently disagree with it at the same time. There are different definitions for lonliness, some of which are a psychological longing, others a "state of mind" as suggested, yet others can be self imposed. I know I have rarely felt lonely, less the time I left my ex to start my life over again but re-discovered myself at the same time and became proud of who I was and currently am. I don't think I've otherwise had such a longing before. I don't know if that makes me a strong/confident person or if I'm in denial... If I'm in denial, then it is a place I have been for 40 years and don't know any better. I can honestly say I am not lonely, I do not feel alone and I am content with myself, my life's course, my decisions and my future. There are many factors that contribute to feeling lonely. Making a major life change such as leaving home, ending a relationship, changing jobs, or moving to a new geographical location can put a person in a position to experience loneliness. When we are separated from familiar people and places, we often feel disconnected, like we don't belong, for a time. Usually, as we meet people and become familiar with places, the feeling subsides fairly quickly. Much of the emotional pain we experience as loneliness comes from our negative interpretation of our current life situation. To overcome loneliness, take positive, rather than defensive action. Avoid withdrawing. Challenge your irrational self-thoughts, take time to develop personal interests and self-awareness, and seek contacts with others through a wide range work, personal, and social interactions. Maintain a balance involvement and enjoying your time alone. I LOVE "ME" time!!!


Courtney :)

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Arizona53
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Posted on Sun, Feb 28, 2010 10:47

Quoting Lisaprendergast

Arizona, i have felt paralyzing loneliness a few times in my life. You are so right! It was all about trying to connect in a situation that lacked intimacy.

In retrospect, I did feel abandoned. By everyone. But now I know I had abandoned myself. How could anyone "get me" if I was not really present?

How could I have expected to find kindred spirits when my own spirit had been left on some corner in the rain?.

Now I love how it feels to have someone get me, and I am really all here. No smoke and mirrors for this girl anymore. The happiest people I know are the ones who have truly embraced themselves. By doing so they seem to draw in  people. People who get them. People who they get.

It is hard to nurture yourself. In my world, I am always able to find a reason to care about just about anyone. But, I no longer allow myself to leave me behind. Now, if someone abandons me, i know it is someone who is abandoning a person I really like, and I always am willing to defend a friend.

On the loss of love note, I hope it works that way. My heart is seriously open... ha, ha. 

Best Lisa

 

 



I believe that you get what you focus on and that the focus expands as it goes out, so if we are focused on being lonely or alone, we just get more of the same. I also believe that this is the reason that when you embrace yourself and are happy that you attract more happy people in to your life.

 

A seriously open heart can't help but attract seriously open love......

 

Funny there are so many facets to this, I will have to read the book instead of just the article about the book.....LOL!



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Lisaprendergast
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Posted on Sun, Feb 28, 2010 05:23

Quoting Arizona53

Lisa, I can see where the connection between the end of love and then the ensuing loneliness is and it makes perfect sense that this happens. I also don't think it really matters what type of love that is, the person just isn't in your life anymore for you to love. I would also accept that a broken heart can accept love at any time, but, it just maybe that different type of love as well.

 

I am wondering if this type of loneliness that the writer is talking about is more about feeling that the whole world has abandoned you and not just that someone has left your life. I believe it is possible to feel lonely even if you are with someone who loves you and you return that love. Maybe it has more to do with whether or not there is a "real" connection where the other person actually "gets you." The intimacy factor is missing......



Arizona, i have felt paralyzing loneliness a few times in my life. You are so right! It was all about trying to connect in a situation that lacked intimacy.

In retrospect, I did feel abandoned. By everyone. But now I know I had abandoned myself. How could anyone "get me" if I was not really present?

How could I have expected to find kindred spirits when my own spirit had been left on some corner in the rain?.

Now I love how it feels to have someone get me, and I am really all here. No smoke and mirrors for this girl anymore. The happiest people I know are the ones who have truly embraced themselves. By doing so they seem to draw in  people. People who get them. People who they get.

It is hard to nurture yourself. In my world, I am always able to find a reason to care about just about anyone. But, I no longer allow myself to leave me behind. Now, if someone abandons me, i know it is someone who is abandoning a person I really like, and I always am willing to defend a friend.

On the loss of love note, I hope it works that way. My heart is seriously open... ha, ha. 

Best Lisa

 

 



Life is a box of chocolates... and, most poor fools are starving to death!!

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Arizona53
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Posted on Sun, Feb 28, 2010 00:59

Quoting Lisaprendergast

Hey Arizona!

Funny you should be writing on this subject. I think of it as the animal with a heart condition.

I read a post on some web site yesterday that has been haunting me ever since. The subject of the post was how to heal a broken heart. Hell we all know the drill. For me it never has seemed that easy.

The thought that caught my attention claimed that a broken heart leaves the broken hearted "open" to love. Because the heart is now cracked open it is easier to let emotion in.

I have always figured a broken heart needed to heal in order to accept love again. Perhaps love and friendship can climb into ones heart when there is an opening left from a crack. Maybe it is about growth. I am glad I know how to feel unconditional love. I have felt it.  I do not regret getting to feel that unselfish emotion.

Lonliness is not a state of mind... its collateral damage from the end of love.No matter what, love always ends painfully. Even the most perfect unions have to say good-bye. It happens to all of us. What if that post was true?

Best Lisa

I just thought it was a cool way to view past loves... losses. 



Lisa, I can see where the connection between the end of love and then the ensuing loneliness is and it makes perfect sense that this happens. I also don't think it really matters what type of love that is, the person just isn't in your life anymore for you to love. I would also accept that a broken heart can accept love at any time, but, it just maybe that different type of love as well.

 

I am wondering if this type of loneliness that the writer is talking about is more about feeling that the whole world has abandoned you and not just that someone has left your life. I believe it is possible to feel lonely even if you are with someone who loves you and you return that love. Maybe it has more to do with whether or not there is a "real" connection where the other person actually "gets you." The intimacy factor is missing......



"The best way to predict the future....Is to create it."

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Lisaprendergast
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Posted on Sun, Feb 28, 2010 00:40

Hey Arizona!

Funny you should be writing on this subject. I think of it as the animal with a heart condition.

I read a post on some web site yesterday that has been haunting me ever since. The subject of the post was how to heal a broken heart. Hell we all know the drill. For me it never has seemed that easy.

The thought that caught my attention claimed that a broken heart leaves the broken hearted "open" to love. Because the heart is now cracked open it is easier to let emotion in.

I have always figured a broken heart needed to heal in order to accept love again. Perhaps love and friendship can climb into ones heart when there is an opening left from a crack. Maybe it is about growth. I am glad I know how to feel unconditional love. I have felt it.  I do not regret getting to feel that unselfish emotion.

Lonliness is not a state of mind... its collateral damage from the end of love.No matter what, love always ends painfully. Even the most perfect unions have to say good-bye. It happens to all of us. What if that post was true?

Best Lisa

I just thought it was a cool way to view past loves... losses. 



Life is a box of chocolates... and, most poor fools are starving to death!!

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