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Come here, baby, let Momma teach you!!! Sort by:
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sistercounselor
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 15:50

One thing I've learned in my 41 years is that we teach people how to treat us. Now, I'll admit, life can be difficult, but I'm of the opinion that it does not HAVE to be if we make sound choices, take responsiblity and accountability for our actions and lead a godly, healthy life. Indeed, we cannot control everything, but we should wisely control the things we can. I've shared my story. My mother was extremely abusive, starving us, putting us in chairs and stuffing our mouths with socks while beating the living day-lights out of us with chords, her fists, pans, whatever was in her grasp. We grew up extremely poor, in housing projects, while mom sold our foodstamps so she could do whatever it was she was doing with her money, because she sho' wasn't feeding us. Infact, she told us we only needed 1 meal a day to survive. Starving, my brother and I stole from the corner store to feed ourselves and our sibblings! Ugh! That woman! And, daddy, well lets just say, he was 17 and mom 15 when I was born, so um, he wasn't much help. He has always been and to this day is a heroine addict. In fact, I grew up visiting the crack houses, pulling him out or visiting prisons in Ohio (I've been to every last one) to visit my daddy. That's the only relationship we've ever had. Now, he's dying from his addiction and too guilt-ridden to speak to me, because I confronted him about how he once sexually assaulted me while high on crack and heroine.

My mom's former husband also sexually assaulted us, but Mom was too weak and powerless to do anything about it. Bummer! And I say that partially in jest, and partially with all seriousness. Anyhoo, to make a long story short, I married 2 abusive men, the 1st with whom I had my 4 children, mainly because the church "ordered" it so and partly to get away from my abusive mom. I mean, at 17 she tried to drown me! Why? I'll never know..we never understood her abusive nature. I think she was an undiagnosed bi-polar. I left that husband and moved to a place where I knew no one, struggling, but all the while, going to therapy and going to college. Still, broken, I made bad choices. Fast forward 11 years, I married another "church man" who was emotionally abusive. Damn, when would I ever learn. On top of that, I stayed in an abusive church which used fear and intimidation to control my children, me and the rest of congregation and also told us we would be punished by God if we left. I felt trapped and doomed!!! Still, something inside me told me there was a better life ahead.

After being admitted to the psychiatric hospital upon feeling suicidal and devising a plan of my demise, something "clicked" in my head, heart and spirit. God never intended for me to live like this and somehow I had to regain my power. Well, it took 2 full years of therapy and yes, medication (that was 2006 and I still take medication and receive therapy) for me to regain some semblance of strength.

I came to California in Feb. 2009 and together, we confronted our demons. We discussed our traumatic childhood, sexual, emotional, physical abuse, at length. We cried, prayed, vented and cried some more. We concluded that we used education and career success to cover up our pain, but at 40 (we are 9 months apart) we HAD to do something about it. Together, we confronted our mother (she lives in Cali...moved her out of guilt to try a relationship with my brother). We confronted her and told her that her abuse scared us immensely and that we needed her to take accountability for her actions. She is in total denial so she told us she would not. It was at that point that we decided to take responsiblity for own lives! We told her we forgive her but for our mental health, contact with her would be limited!!! I noticed that this has eliminated a lot of her negative calls, negative conversations, as we keep her at a distance and shut her off when she pours on negativity.

Next stop, I confronted, a man who had date-raped me once on my visit here..he was a friend of my brothers. I told him I was weak and powerless at the time, but that this day, I resumed my power and that now that I was back in Cali, he had BETTER keep his distance, even though we lived in the same town. I felt so powerful that day! Next, I made a decision to just stay in Cali. Why go back to Kentucky? The kids were now grown and told me to live for me!!! I then wrote my pastor who used fear to control me and told him about himself, what I thought and how I was never returning and so far, God had NOT punished me for leaving, but instead had rewarded me with true PEACE, JOY and FREEDOM! Of course, he didn't receive it well. Smile. I know because the ppl from the church "snuck" and called me and told me he commanded them to never contact me, for I was evil...a bastard who had "left the covering which God had given me." Hogwash!!! A few of the members stayed in contact, despite his warnings and a few even left his control. God is good! I divorced my 2nd husband who enjoyed calling me names, taking MY car and forcing me to take the bus when I had to go to work. Uggh!

I told myself that indeed I had made poor decisions, I apologized to myself, my God and my children and declared that things would be different. I notified my sibblings and friends that those who would bring positivity in my life were welcome to stay, those who were negative, would NOT be welcomed, until they got themselves together and let me tell you somethin' honey, I've never had more peace and joy than I do this day!!! I learned to take control of my own life and teach others how to treat me, based on how I treat myself. I am committed to God, therapy, myself and my children, and those (ppl) who want, seek and LIVE a good godly, peaceful and joyful life. Now, life is much sweeter and I experience true Joy! Thank you for listening. Smooches! -Swirly!!!



Ms. Swirl Girl!

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Dekan09
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 20:47

Unfortunately I can identify with much of what you said through personal experiences Swirly. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I used to think that was just a funny little saying...but it's true.



Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. President Ronald Reagan

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sistercounselor
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 20:11

Quoting DONTFITMOLD

Thing that amazes me about the stories you have shared is how have you maintained a sane sexual image of your self and others. So many people,,,circumstances, have violated your mind, body, and soul, and yet you stand proudly, sensually, sexually and intelligently, Lessons learned true, but the scars have deep roots. They stain the trust, soil self worth, and contaminate the blood, Forgiveness is the start of letting go of the past sins, but it takes an extreemly insightful and intuitive person to push all of them to the caboose, Sainthood I say



Amen to forgiveness! And you know what I've found? Forgiveness is nothing that can be forced. It comes with time.  If we are open to it and willing to embrace the powers of its healing properties take accountabillity for our own bad decisions, and need for forgiveness, then eventually, we are able to give it. :)

Your words of encouragement really strengthened me. Thank you so much Dear! You are right, scars do have deep roots and forgiveness is the beginning of healing the scars. :)



Ms. Swirl Girl!

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sistercounselor
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:46

Quoting niceguylooking

Sister,,, The real benefits of "True" forgiveness go to the Forgiver.



Wow!!! Thank you! Amen!



Ms. Swirl Girl!

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sistercounselor
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:45

Quoting Curious2078

Swirly, I've got to say ditto to Don's remarks.  And add only that you've got to be just about the strongest woman I've ever known.  As for finding you that man for you, he's going to have to be pretty damn special.  One of the rarer ones.  And when he gets anywhere near your vicinity, he'll be drawn to you for sure.  Just keep on putting out those fine, powerful vibes.  Whoever he is, he won't be able to resist you--so says my gut hunch.

Pat



Thank you all for such powerful encouragement! I believe there is something inside us which tries to inform us of what is good, healthy and pure...maybe God's voice? I don't know. Sadly, pain and "bad things" can silence that voice inside us. Thankfully counseling, medication and God helped awaken that voice and gave me the strength to follow it. :)  Regarding my "soul mate" I am very encouraged by your words that he will be pretty damn special (hee hee), and rare. Praise the Lord! Oh, girl, I'm trusting your hunch!!! Amen!



Ms. Swirl Girl!

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NGL2011
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 19:21

Sister,,, The real benefits of "True" forgiveness go to the Forgiver.



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DONTFITMOLD Recommended
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 18:41

Teaching.....just to remind us all that connecting with another on any plane, it is important to be open to tactile signals and cues of what feels good to the heart mind and body. Sure.... it does take some time and maybe the time spent is headed in the pleasurable direction. Neither gender is a mind reader, we both need to be encouraged to "do the right thing". What works for one may not tickle the other. Being open to teaching and learning goes both ways. besides it's a huge turn on.....Keeping the ego in it's place otherwise the education gets lost on deaf ears 



D ( @ )( @ )

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Curious2078
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 17:29

P.S.:  I forgot to tell you how much I like your opening line here.  It's so "bottom line" true: 

"One thing I've learned in my 41 years is that we teach people how to treat us."

 



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Curious2078
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 17:26

Swirly, I've got to say ditto to Don's remarks.  And add only that you've got to be just about the strongest woman I've ever known.  As for finding you that man for you, he's going to have to be pretty damn special.  One of the rarer ones.  And when he gets anywhere near your vicinity, he'll be drawn to you for sure.  Just keep on putting out those fine, powerful vibes.  Whoever he is, he won't be able to resist you--so says my gut hunch.

Pat



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DONTFITMOLD Recommended
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 16:16

Thing that amazes me about the stories you have shared is how have you maintained a sane sexual image of your self and others. So many people,,,circumstances, have violated your mind, body, and soul, and yet you stand proudly, sensually, sexually and intelligently, Lessons learned true, but the scars have deep roots. They stain the trust, soil self worth, and contaminate the blood, Forgiveness is the start of letting go of the past sins, but it takes an extreemly insightful and intuitive person to push all of them to the caboose, Sainthood I say



D ( @ )( @ )

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sistercounselor
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Posted on Sat, Feb 06, 2010 15:59

Now, enough of that...let's get back ta findin' me a yummy, man who can satisfy Momma's cravings, oops, I mean life! Hee Hee! Bring him on! Iz ready now!!!! Hee Hee!



Ms. Swirl Girl!

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