This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first place.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on a pair of sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. If you have never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "Your kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "Doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had him VERY happy, but had the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sause through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of the thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first place.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on a pair of sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. If you have never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "Your kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "Doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had him VERY happy, but had the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sause through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of the thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
People may not remember what you say or do, but they will remember how you made them feel.
I saw this while trying to drive up this mountain in the snow storm. I had plenty of time so took a quick photo to share with everyone here. We have all seen how people decorate their homes for the holidays. I thought this one was the best! As you might know, right click on the photo to enlarge it.
I saw this while trying to drive up this mountain in the snow storm. I had plenty of time so took a quick photo to share with everyone here. We have all seen how people decorate their homes for the holidays. I thought this one was the best! As you might know, right click on the photo to enlarge it.
Today I realized that there are only 7 days until the Christmas holiday. Jeepers. I forgot....So, I thought I would bump my own blog just for fun. Happy Holidays everyone! (note: I am unable to add photos at this time. My main PC caught the black screen virus and is not working right. As a result, I am using my laptop to write this. I am a little bit sad as all of my photos are on my other PC.
Today I realized that there are only 7 days until the Christmas holiday. Jeepers. I forgot....So, I thought I would bump my own blog just for fun. Happy Holidays everyone! (note: I am unable to add photos at this time. My main PC caught the black screen virus and is not working right. As a result, I am using my laptop to write this. I am a little bit sad as all of my photos are on my other PC.
People may not remember what you say or do, but they will remember how you made them feel.
I copied and forwarded this very funny story to quite a few friends and family. Many emailed me back saying how hilarious it was and thanks for the laugh. Nice to spread a smile around for sure!
Hi Queen!
I copied and forwarded this very funny story to quite a few friends and family. Many emailed me back saying how hilarious it was and thanks for the laugh. Nice to spread a smile around for sure!
What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)
Queen Of My Dreams.... OK hov lane stands for high occupancy vehicle...you'll see these signs around big cities. My dolly? I thought you said you would be my dolly. What happened? Your gift? They ran out of them at the dollar store so it's on backorder.
Larry
Larry, Since I am no longer around cities...and live on a mountain. We do not have those lanes.
As to me being your Dolly. HOHOHOHO.
I cannot afford you...hehehe. Somehow, the dollar store seems a little un romantic. Once again, you promise to "sweep me off my feet". Silly me. I never thought you meant with a broom...
Quoting bricraigpark:
Queen Of My Dreams.... OK hov lane stands for high occupancy vehicle...you'll see these signs around big cities. My dolly? I thought you said you would be my dolly. What happened? Your gift? They ran out of them at the dollar store so it's on backorder.
Larry
Larry, Since I am no longer around cities...and live on a mountain. We do not have those lanes.
As to me being your Dolly. HOHOHOHO.
I cannot afford you...hehehe. Somehow, the dollar store seems a little un romantic. Once again, you promise to "sweep me off my feet". Silly me. I never thought you meant with a broom...
Larry, What is a hov lane? And what is the name of your dolly? And one more thing, where is the present that you promised to send me?
Queen Of My Dreams.... OK hov lane stands for high occupancy vehicle...you'll see these signs around big cities. My dolly? I thought you said you would be my dolly. What happened? Your gift? They ran out of them at the dollar store so it's on backorder.
Larry
Quoting Queenofyourdreams:
Larry, What is a hov lane? And what is the name of your dolly? And one more thing, where is the present that you promised to send me?
Queen Of My Dreams.... OK hov lane stands for high occupancy vehicle...you'll see these signs around big cities. My dolly? I thought you said you would be my dolly. What happened? Your gift? They ran out of them at the dollar store so it's on backorder.
Quoting: Originally posted by Queenofyourdreams Jan, Yes, that Chevy Chase movie is a classic!
For me the Holiday Season is more for the goodwill that seems to be passed from one person to the next. This is what inspires me.
May this season bring you happiness and joy. Heck, you might get cold in that swimming suit, so I am sending you one of my cowboys to warm you up.
Thanks Queen!
Is he one you picked up at goodwill, or were you dropping him off? He'll do, as you can sure get a chill, going from the pool to the terri cloth robe. and you never know, he just might be a keeper...
Quoting Queenofyourdreams:
Jan, Yes, that Chevy Chase movie is a classic!
For me the Holiday Season is more for the goodwill that seems to be passed from one person to the next. This is what inspires me.
May this season bring you happiness and joy. Heck, you might get cold in that swimming suit, so I am sending you one of my cowboys to warm you up.
Thanks Queen!
Is he one you picked up at goodwill, or were you dropping him off? He'll do, as you can sure get a chill, going from the pool to the terri cloth robe. and you never know, he just might be a keeper...
I am flattered that you would give me such a gift, but seriously lil lady- What the *#(* are you trying to do to me? That young thang would give me a heart attack trying to keep up with her lol. Thanks anyways though sweetie. Twinkle Toes LMAO!
Happy Holiday's Y'all lol.
Randi,
I am flattered that you would give me such a gift, but seriously lil lady- What the *#(* are you trying to do to me? That young thang would give me a heart attack trying to keep up with her lol. Thanks anyways though sweetie. Twinkle Toes LMAO!
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a** man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
LOL! Someone just sent me this Christmas story...
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a** man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Quoting: Originally posted by Tinkerbelle oh Queen ive just found this blog. I laughed long and hard as I could just picture the scene. Absolutely priceless thanks for sharing.
Hellloooo Tink, Yes, someone shared this story with me and I knew it would fit in here. It is easy to see why it won first place in that contest...
May your season bring you peace and joy. I am sending you a real one just in case.
Quoting Tinkerbelle:
oh Queen ive just found this blog. I laughed long and hard as I could just picture the scene. Absolutely priceless thanks for sharing.
Hellloooo Tink, Yes, someone shared this story with me and I knew it would fit in here. It is easy to see why it won first place in that contest...
May your season bring you peace and joy. I am sending you a real one just in case.
Quoting: Originally posted by bricraigpark So, Queen, here's my question. Does Louise still sit in your passenger seat so you can drive in the hov lane?
Love,
Larry
Larry, What is a hov lane? And what is the name of your dolly? And one more thing, where is the present that you promised to send me?
Quoting bricraigpark:
So, Queen, here's my question. Does Louise still sit in your passenger seat so you can drive in the hov lane?
Love,
Larry
Larry, What is a hov lane? And what is the name of your dolly? And one more thing, where is the present that you promised to send me?
Blond, Well, look at what the tumbleweeds blew back in! Last we heard you had been kidnapped by those prairie dogs and held for ramsom. Looks like you have found a way to turn the tables on them.
May your season be free from praire dogs...hehe May it also be filled with laughter and good friends. Here is gift for you.
Blond, Well, look at what the tumbleweeds blew back in! Last we heard you had been kidnapped by those prairie dogs and held for ramsom. Looks like you have found a way to turn the tables on them.
May your season be free from praire dogs...hehe May it also be filled with laughter and good friends. Here is gift for you.
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