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READY4UNOW
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Posted on Sun, Aug 24, 2008 10:10

Here's another article from a site I found and I thought it had some pretty valid points, so thought I would share. Is the intense attraction you feel for your partner love or is it lust? When you're blinded by the euphoria of the beginning stages of a relationship it can be hard to distinguish desire from true love. How to tell if what you've got is the real deal or just sex appeal. In the beginning of a relationship, everything's intense: the passion, your feelings, your increasing level of intimacy with your new partner, etc. So how do you know if what you've got is the real deal or just a case of sex appeal? The following are some important questions to ask yourself in hopes of assessing whether your budding romance has a potential future or is more likely to crash and burn as the passion fades. How Much do you Know About the other Person's Life? Unsure if what you've got is love or lust? A great indicator is to assess how much you really know about the other person's life. Sure, you may know what he does for a living and where she lives. You may even have each other's digits programmed into your cell phones. But have you met the other person's friends, spent entire weekends together, or been included in each other's daily lives? The best way to know if it's love or lust is take an honest look at how interconnected the two of you are. And this doesn't mean just the level at which you are opening up, but the level at which your partner is letting you into his or her life, too. By being honest with yourself about where the two of you are relating, you'll get a better idea of whether or not you've got the real deal or just sex appeal. Is Passion the Only Thing you have in Common? Sometimes it's hard to know the difference between having the hots for someone and having what it takes to make a relationship work. A key deciding factor is to ask yourself what it is that the two of you have in common. Superficial commonalities such as movies, food, partying, and passionate make-out sessions are most likely not enough to make a long-term relationship work. And that's okay. But do yourself and the other person a favor by looking at your relationship realistically. If it's just lust, be honest about the fact that your attraction is limited to the physical. Don't talk yourself or your partner into thinking there's a future for you as a couple if there isn't. This is a conversation you'll want to have in the early stages of your intimacy. By being honest about the scope of your feelings for each other, you'll avoid getting hurt as well as hurting the other person. Do you Share Common life Goals, Dreams and Ambitions? Before things get too hot and heavy between you and your potential partner, you should discuss long-term goals, dreams, and ambitions. After all, you may not want to invest your time, energy, and intimacy with someone who doesn't share a similar vision of your future. Things you may want to discuss before things get too hot and heavy include: - Does the other person share your long-term relationship goals? - Does he or she share your ideas about having children? - Do you both have common lifestyle priorities (career, home, etc.)? - Do you have similar ethics and morals? While broaching this conversation can feel somewhat uncomfortable, it's an important discussion to have early on in a budding relationship. Why? Because it forces you both to communicate in an honest and open manner, in hopes of cutting down on wasted time and hurt feelings. Plus, if you're already engaged in physical passion, you'll want to make sure your emotional energy is equally compatible. Is the Feeling Mutual? Here's the real reason that having these difficult conversations is crucial to your relationship success: While you may feel that things are sailing along smoothly, your partner may have other ideas. Rather than finding yourself headed toward happily ever after only to discover you've arrived there all alone, it's essential to know where the other person stands as soon as possible. This doesn't mean having a conversation about commitment on the first date, or offering an ultimatum about exclusivity after the first kiss. But as you find yourself getting intimately involved with someone you need to know where you stand. The only way to find out is to be brave enough to express your feelings and ask your potential partner how he or she is feeling. If the feelings are not mutual, i.e., if one of you is only interested in a casual physical relationship while the other one wants a future together, it's better to know that before you get in too deep. Becoming intimately involved with someone new is exciting and exhilarating, and potentially excruciating if you're not on the same page. It's important to assess the situation early on, identify where you're both coming from, and determine whether or not you're compatible for long-term relationship success. In doing so, you'll cut down on wasted dating time, hurt feelings, and unnecessary confusion. If you find yourself in a lust-only affair, it's up to you to act accordingly depending on your wants and needs. If you discover that your passionate pursuit has future relationship potential, congratulations! You may be well on your way to happily ever after. Either way, it's important to know where you stand as soon as possible so that you can proceed with caution, care, or commitment.


What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)

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Queenofyourdreams
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Posted on Tue, Sep 02, 2008 11:29

Hmmmmmm. Rob. Most of us do enjoy a little self satisfaction. LOL! However, I find that I no longer get turned on by someone that I am not emotionally involved with. There was a time (the drug and sexual revolution of the 70's) when we tried everything, but now I find (and maybe as a result of that time) that it is simply not worth my time and effort. It is true not all women may be this way. But, some of us are. My body does not "get ready" for a man who I am not attracted to without that sense of "love" anymore. Lust is not enough. And it also takes more than just chemestry. (If that makes any sense....) I suppose that women can use a lubricant if they are not ready, but why bother? I feel if my body is not interested than there really is not the connection that I need or really want... It is great to hear that you are sooooo good in bed. I imagine all the women are now thinking more about you. LOL! You Stud Muffin you.

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shazbot82
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Posted on Mon, Sep 01, 2008 23:04

Rob, having good sex with a person is s good reason to keep them around. Its not all that typical.


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robtest
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Posted on Mon, Sep 01, 2008 17:06

Queenie wrote: ""While this might be true for men. It does not work this way for women. True, the mechanics might work as in that you could insert the screw into the bolt. In this situation the man might enjoy the process but it would not be enjoyable at all to most woman. It would be very mechanical and when finished she would turn over and wonder why she bothered to do it at all...in this respect, I think that many women are wired differently. They seem to need to have that emotional attachment, or is it chemistry, at some level first. Now I am am not talking about the sugar babies, or the women who are looking to settle for anyone to warm their beds...they usually do not know the difference."" Well I think we are arguing the same side of the coin here. You say that women need to have an emotional attachment. That is my point, and perhaps in itself the difference in Lust and Love. But that has nothing to do with the physical... For instance, masturbation is probably enjoyed by both sexes, but I don't think anyone does it for the emotional closeness you feel with yourself. You do it entirely for physical reasons. And I would agree that emotional and intellectual attachment are very necessary to having a loving and fulfilling relationship, but not needed for simple physical lust/sex. I would also agree that many men don't need it to be deeper than the physical, but there are many women out there that feel the same way. I have had a number of partners that at about the 6-8 month tenure, I initiated conversation to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship. They told me they weren't interested in that. My next question was why were they continuing to see me if they didn't want the relationship to progress. I was told that "the sex was good"...


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Queenofyourdreams
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Posted on Sun, Aug 31, 2008 05:59

Rob, I agree with all that you are saying, expect for this part. "I would take issue on your use of the term "no physical reaction". Male and Female parts was were made to work in a certain manner. If certain methodologies are followed, I can assure you there will be a physical reaction. Now what I think is missing is an appropriate intellectual and especially important emotional reaction. Well aside from the fact that they are a bad kisser." While this might be true for men. It does not work this way for women. True, the mechanics might work as in that you could insert the screw into the bolt. In this situation the man might enjoy the process but it would not be enjoyable at all to most woman. It would be very mechanical and when finished she would turn over and wonder why she bothered to do it at all...in this respect, I think that many women are wired differently. They seem to need to have that emotional attachment, or is it chemistry, at some level first. Now I am am not talking about the sugar babies, or the women who are looking to settle for anyone to warm their beds...they usually do not know the difference. Tiny Pebbles. Yes, it is true. Those of us who have been here longer have learned the dangers of building up a fantasy of the other person in online dating. We have all done it. (and still do it, but try not to....) The best thing to do is to keep in mind that until you meet someone in person that you really do not know who they are, or what the chemistry really is. Until then, it is a wonderful experience. I have met many incredible people who have enriched my life. (and some real losers) And have learned sooooooo much about who I am and what I am looking for in a life partner. This is a great learning experience and I am looking forward to seeing what the future unfolds. I am MUCH more careful now...

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READY4UNOW
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Posted on Fri, Aug 29, 2008 06:47

tinypebbles - don't mind at all, it's a good reminder for everyone Hey Queen - it's definitely what I'm waiting for and won't settle for less, maybe that's why it takes so damn long lol! Robtest - Commented on 27-AUG-08 I guess we have to be careful, or Ready will ban us from her blog! LOL Very funny big guy! I've actually never banned anyone from posting on my blogs, nor have I blocked anyone, I have just once deleted a comment that had nothing to add or do with the blog content. loneranger - hahahah! cocoa time? what happens after that? PM - Who's kissing frogs? Are you? Not moi! shaz - I agree big brains are sexy! azlady60 - Welcome to the blogs and mine in particular! Those hanging baskets in your picture are absolutely spectacular! Enjoy! Maybe I'm different, but I keep my emotions in check while communicating and having not met, it's too easy to get carried away and not worth the heartache later. This whole online venue allows our imaginations to work overtime and I remind myself of that all the time so I haven't had any real upsets. However, it's few and far between that I even find someone I'm truly interested in getting to know better who feels the same way. I do believe many use it as a form of entertainment with little to no intention of ever meeting and continuing on in a relationship. I have a few friends who have met online and have happy real life relationships now, but those are the minority. I am however, the eternal optimist, and keep it out there that my One is possible.


What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)

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azlady60
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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 11:06

I agree with much of what is said but esp. Rob. Experience has definitely tempered my expectations for that first meeting. I probably put too much emphasis on the kiss but it is an important factor for me. If someone attracts my attention as a potential suitor online I tend to meet them fairly quickly for the very reason that not all the men I have had a mutual attraction online with has carried over to a personal meeting (such a sad and disappointing feeling too). When the attraction is still there that is so exciting :) However it still has to survive spending time with the person. Also, some men (and I am sure women too) are not as ready for a relationship as they said or thought so that brings some to a halt.


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tinypebbles
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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 10:36

Quoting Queenofyourdreams: Ready, I agree with all you say. That is exactly the type of relationship that I think most of us are waiting to find. May all our dreams of happiness and love come true! Rob. LOL. Well, it may be that there are lots of bad kissers out there, or else the chemistry is simply not right and the lust leaves even before that first kiss. Somehow the fantasy comes to a screeching halt after the reality of that face to face meeting...or that first kiss. Not sure that the expectations are too high... Does this also happen to you? Do you build up a little fantasy of sorts, than meet someone, eventually kiss (if you think you might still be interested) and find that there is nothing there to get you excited? Or is it different for men? Can they get excited over a kiss with out and feelings of passion? Your big 'O' theory is probably correct. LOL. It is easy to accept someone for who they are. But, it is something else to lose that feeling of wanting, or lust fullness, that has built up (before meeting in person) and than when you meet and you start touching or kissing you are surprised to find there really is no physical reaction. If a woman went any further, it would be settling. Again, maybe this is different for men. LOL. What a great conversation piece this is...

Queen - I guessed Rob answered some of the questions I have in mind - on a male point of view. I reckoned... to more aware...


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tinypebbles
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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 10:29

Quoting Queenofyourdreams: Ready, I agree with all you say. That is exactly the type of relationship that I think most of us are waiting to find. May all our dreams of happiness and love come true! Rob. LOL. Well, it may be that there are lots of bad kissers out there, or else the chemistry is simply not right and the lust leaves even before that first kiss. Somehow the fantasy comes to a screeching halt after the reality of that face to face meeting...or that first kiss. Not sure that the expectations are too high... Does this also happen to you? Do you build up a little fantasy of sorts, than meet someone, eventually kiss (if you think you might still be interested) and find that there is nothing there to get you excited? Or is it different for men? Can they get excited over a kiss with out and feelings of passion? Your big 'O' theory is probably correct. LOL. It is easy to accept someone for who they are. But, it is something else to lose that feeling of wanting, or lust fullness, that has built up (before meeting in person) and than when you meet and you start touching or kissing you are surprised to find there really is no physical reaction. If a woman went any further, it would be settling. Again, maybe this is different for men. LOL. What a great conversation piece this is...

Queen - Now, I am scared - 'all that build up of feelings and emotions before the two finally meet... what happened if they truly fell in love, (true love - physically apart) after sharing deep feelings, deep emotions, and personal information about each other. Their stars, planets, universe are all aligned for both of them, and simply have all the emotions and feelings as if they have met already... is it possible that all will be lost with that first kiss or touch when they finally met? Scary and confused... I guessed, there is no such thing..."You've Got Mail?" or "Sleepless in Seattle". Wonder...perhaps, I need to put the wall up again...


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shazbot82
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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 09:47

just for the record, I happen to be an excellent kisser.and would like to get back into some serious practice..soon. Lust? I could look at a room full of men and want to kiss most of them,,but REAL desire takes a whole bunch of elements. LAst man I was with,,,as soon as we got within ten feet of one another, the bar magnets took over and 4 hours later we came out of the fog in a hot sweaty heap. BUT please note..i have known this man for several years and this had not occured before. So what was it ? I really dont know. I dont lust after him. But on a different note,,,if I am mentally attracted first, I do know that my physical desire is heightened by a large margin. What can I say ? I love a big...... brain !


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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 07:26

I'm certain that in the best of partnerships a lust for each other is both healthy and keeps the relationship fresh, once the lust starts to fade its cocoa time.


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robtest
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Posted on Wed, Aug 27, 2008 18:41

I guess we have to be careful, or Ready will ban us from her blog! LOL Now I can't speak for all men, but I can mostly speak for myself... Sure, fantasy is part of an active imagination. But like anything, you have to understand moderation, and where the dangers lie in anything. I think one of the problems with internet dating is that it allows the initial relationship to develop before people actually get a chance to meet face to face to determine if there is any physical chemistry. Now we can all sit here on a high horse and claim otherwise, but my personal theory that while it may not be the most important thing, physical attraction is a fundamental thing. Sorta the foundation of the relationship if you will. I consider intellectual and emotional elements to be the other fundamental ingredients. In Internet Dating, the "carrying on" for long periods with someone long distance allows you to develop the intellectual attraction and even some emotional attraction, but doesn't really further the physical side of it. When the couple actually does get a chance to get face to face, then it is time for a reckoning. All these thoughts in your mind, have to fall in order with what your senses now tell you while you are face to face. If the physical is not there to support the over inflated intellectual and emotional sides, it all comes crumbling down. Now your first time out, it is easy to let your imagination run too wild and free. But with experience, should also come the maturity to moderate this somewhat. Or at the very least become a great catalyst to actually meet this person face to face!!! Once you get that meeting and have the initial reckoning, and still have feelings, then you can let imaginations and fantasy run wild and free, with less of a chance of getting hurt and/or disappointed. As far as kissing goes, it is either great or it isn't. Now mind you, nerves do get involved, and stage fright, or whatever. I don't know that I would base the whole potential of a relationship on just one. But certainly there should be something in the first one to make you want a second one! But I guess I am rambling... In answer to your question, I don't think you can get excited over a kiss without passion. That would be kinda like kissing a relative on the cheek. Give you a kiss that catchs you off guard and is better than expected. I am trying to think back if there were ever any toe curlers, and can think of one or two, but alcohol was involved... I guess in the back of your mind, there are many many little scales sliding up and down, calculating your attraction to someone. I wonder if they are digital or analog? LOL I agree on accepting someone for who they are, but in doing so, you are not necessarily accepting them as someone who would be a suitable relationship partner. I would take issue on your use of the term "no physical reaction". Male and Female parts was were made to work in a certain manner. If certain methodologies are followed, I can assure you there will be a physical reaction. Now what I think is missing is an appropriate intellectual and especially important emotional reaction. Well aside from the fact that they are a bad kisser. LOL


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Queenofyourdreams
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Posted on Wed, Aug 27, 2008 17:53

Ready, I agree with all you say. That is exactly the type of relationship that I think most of us are waiting to find. May all our dreams of happiness and love come true! Rob. LOL. Well, it may be that there are lots of bad kissers out there, or else the chemistry is simply not right and the lust leaves even before that first kiss. Somehow the fantasy comes to a screeching halt after the reality of that face to face meeting...or that first kiss. Not sure that the expectations are too high... Does this also happen to you? Do you build up a little fantasy of sorts, than meet someone, eventually kiss (if you think you might still be interested) and find that there is nothing there to get you excited? Or is it different for men? Can they get excited over a kiss with out and feelings of passion? Your big 'O' theory is probably correct. LOL. It is easy to accept someone for who they are. But, it is something else to lose that feeling of wanting, or lust fullness, that has built up (before meeting in person) and than when you meet and you start touching or kissing you are surprised to find there really is no physical reaction. If a woman went any further, it would be settling. Again, maybe this is different for men. LOL. What a great conversation piece this is...

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tinypebbles
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Posted on Wed, Aug 27, 2008 12:29

Quoting READY4UNOW: Great comments everyone! I wanted to see what others thought before commenting myself. I believe that you can have both love and lust and is what I'm looking for in a relationship. I actually have that I'm wanting someone to love, lust and respect me as I will them in my profile. Hopefully someone that reads that will get where I'm coming from. What I liked about this article is the common sense approach it took that many don't always consider. I believe that you must be on the same page on all these things or the relationship just won't work in the long run. The long term goals, dreams and ambitions is an essential element to discuss too. I think online tends to lend itself to what Queen is talking about and the fact you get to know someone quite well before actually meeting in person is what causes this. Unfortunately, not everyone represents themselves accurately and the acid test is always a face to face meeting before you truly know. Even then ... it takes much time to get to know someone, and I'm of the mind that you truly don't ever know another person completely anyhow, no matter how much time you spend together. People change and grow, and if you keep up with each other and grow together, it's the perfect balance I believe. Relationships to me have to be give and take, both partners giving it their all. It's about communication, compromise and how you handle your differences in a respectful manner that will make it a healthy, successful pairing. It takes a real willingness and effort to want to be in each other's lives. I love being a couple and look forward to the day that I find someone to share the ups and downs of life with again.

Ready - Ditto! BTW - I sent your original post to myself... hope you did not mind. cheers, Melinda


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READY4UNOW
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Posted on Wed, Aug 27, 2008 08:46

Great comments everyone! I wanted to see what others thought before commenting myself. I believe that you can have both love and lust and is what I'm looking for in a relationship. I actually have that I'm wanting someone to love, lust and respect me as I will them in my profile. Hopefully someone that reads that will get where I'm coming from. What I liked about this article is the common sense approach it took that many don't always consider. I believe that you must be on the same page on all these things or the relationship just won't work in the long run. The long term goals, dreams and ambitions is an essential element to discuss too. I think online tends to lend itself to what Queen is talking about and the fact you get to know someone quite well before actually meeting in person is what causes this. Unfortunately, not everyone represents themselves accurately and the acid test is always a face to face meeting before you truly know. Even then ... it takes much time to get to know someone, and I'm of the mind that you truly don't ever know another person completely anyhow, no matter how much time you spend together. People change and grow, and if you keep up with each other and grow together, it's the perfect balance I believe. Relationships to me have to be give and take, both partners giving it their all. It's about communication, compromise and how you handle your differences in a respectful manner that will make it a healthy, successful pairing. It takes a real willingness and effort to want to be in each other's lives. I love being a couple and look forward to the day that I find someone to share the ups and downs of life with again.


What is love? Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you. :)

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robtest
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Posted on Tue, Aug 26, 2008 11:15

Quoting Queenofyourdreams: Oh, wise ones. Your advise is so appreciated. LOL. So, I see that this is a trend that happens to all of us... However, I find that the next delimma seems to be as soon as I meet them in person. Than the shock of fantasy meeting reality sets in. For example, I meet that person when that fantasy is so alive and seemingly real. I seem to bring with me all those imagined feelings from my heart, and lust fullness from my body... (Oh yah!!) and then I meet them.... And try to fit them into that fantasy I have created. Which is fine. I can over look many things and accept many others. Eventually, it comes down to that time for that first kiss. That is when I think that I should know... Am I wrong about this? And the fantasy should feel more like reality. My toes should curl, my heart beat faster, and I should feel like I want more... But...maybe I am wrong? So far, in my experiences, this has been the point when the fantasy of that relationship, and all those feelings of lust fullness and pent up love, seem to have no place to go. I know that this is not the connection I have been waiting for and that this might be a great friendship, but it was nothing more than a fantasy. Am I the only one that experiences this form of built up fantasy love and lust?

I guess you would have to ponder if the kiss is just that bad, or if you expectations are just exceedingly too high... I would generally think that "toe curling" would be more a result of a big O than a passionate kiss. Or perhaps mine is a problem of expectations being too low! ROFLMAO Don't get me wrong, I think we would all like to find that partner that could make time stop, if even just for a moment, but we must remain grounded in reality too. It is a fine line between accepting someone for who they are and feeling that you are settling...


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shazbot82
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Posted on Tue, Aug 26, 2008 08:15

Q,,,the problem then would seem to be your fantasys about the person with whom youare communicating. This is a temptation , certainly. But not very useful. Try to keep those fantasys at bay and deal only with the known facts. GF,,Ive been there and I DO know. We all want our prince.


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Queenofyourdreams
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Posted on Tue, Aug 26, 2008 04:56

Oh, wise ones. Your advise is so appreciated. LOL. So, I see that this is a trend that happens to all of us... However, I find that the next delimma seems to be as soon as I meet them in person. Than the shock of fantasy meeting reality sets in. For example, I meet that person when that fantasy that I have created of them is so alive and seemingly real. (with online dating) I seem to bring with me, on those first,(or first) few meetings, all those imagined feelings from my heart, and lust fullness from my body... (Oh yah!!) and then I meet them.... And try to fit them into that fantasy I have created. Which is fine. I can over look many things and accept many others. I take my time and get to know them. Hear their stories, sense who they really are...hope they might be who I imagine they are... Eventually, it comes down to that magicial moment for that first kiss. (If I am interested) That is when I think that I should know...if this will go any further. Am I wrong about this? Should the reality feel more like the fantasy? I would think my breath would get deeper, maybe my toes should curl, my heart should beat faster, and I should feel like I want more...(you know what I mean) But...maybe I am wrong? So far, in my experiences, this has been the point when the fantasy of that relationship, and all those feelings of lust fullness and pent up love, seem to have no place to go. It is like this is the test. A kiss to end all kisses. If I do not have any of those feelings of wanting more, I know that this is not the connection I have been waiting for. I realize that this might be a great friendship, but it was nothing more than a fantasy. Am I the only one that experiences this form of built up fantasy love and lust?

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robtest
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Posted on Mon, Aug 25, 2008 20:25

I think that lust is a physical thing whereas love is more of an emotional/intellectual connection. Certainly it is easier to find a connection on a physical plane and almost immediately. The other parts takes time to develop or explore to find out if they exist between two people. On the other hand, I think that we all have a mental picture of that perfect someone. When we actually meet someone in RL, we go through a process of figuring out which pieces of our imaginary lover really exist in this RL person, and then go through a debate with ourselves as to if it is acceptable or not. Queenie, if you make the men wear those little yellow bunnie shorts, your problem may just be that you have a big sweet tooth! LOL


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Posted on Mon, Aug 25, 2008 16:58

It does, certainly, take a long time to get to know another person well. Now, many people feel attracted to others for the wrong reasons, one of them being that they don't want to grow old alone, and they are in dire need to find someone... anyone, while others take their time, and they know the Cinderella story doesn't exist, so they try and if it does not work, they get over it and try again.


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