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Millionaire Blogs > Avaredrose's blogs > i hate being needed.
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Posted on Fri, Aug 15, 2008 17:37

i don't know when it started... if there was such a thing as a starting point that i missed.i don't know how or why i was the way i am. being the only daughter, i surmised i knew a lot was expected of me. at the beginning before my existence, i was wanted more than anything. i knew i was wanted. a daughter that my father always wanted and my mother always dreamt of. they have sons but they wanted a daughter. i was spoiled rotten even though we were poor. i was their blessing, their hope, and their joy: their only surviving daughter. i have very few recollections of my childhood memories as many of us but my youngest memory... my younger brother and i always fight over toys and my oldest brother was on his side while my second oldest brother was my defender. my oldest brother preach selflessness and he sacrifice most of his life so far for our family so you can understand where he comes from. they (second and oldest brother) would argue a lot over us. "he's younger, he should get the toy." "no. they toys were hers. she has the right to it or lend it to him as she pleases." "but she's too young to understand that she should give it to him." "no, she doesn't want to. she made her decision. she wants to play with it." "she's selfish because she doesn't understand love." "here you go again! do you think she doesn't know?" "how could she? she's two!" "she knows. they know who they love and who they don't. they know who loves them and who doesn't. watch this." my second oldest brother said something to me, i hesitated but handed him the toy. he handed it to my youngest brother and he went off some where playing with it. my second brother turned back to me and said something and all i remembered was that i smiled and i was satisfied. the story were told to me many times by my parents of their conversations and argument. it all reminded me of Hobbs and Locke's theory. so i guessed two. that's where it began. This crusade of "i need you to do this..." "we need you..." then childhood innocence became vague memories as i was forced to mentally age faster than my body. i learned the reasons why i was wanted... i was wanted because i was needed. i was borned with a certain expectation and role to furfilled. every guy i ever met so far "needed" me in one way or another. financially or mentally or worse... emotionally. i was eithr the friend that they can go to in desperaged need of money (because i'm financially responsible) or the woman who helped them grow up (a job not easily filled) mentally. the worst part is emotion. i can handle immaturity pretty well and financial sitiation comes and goes depending on the person but emotion is like a never ending nightmare. he has a fight with his girlfriend, who does he turns to? his best friend, the girl next door. it's easier to watch a boy cry than a man weep. maybe because the boy grow up eventually and he grows stronger but the man is weeping because... he grew weaker. the backward process of progress is never fun to watch. maybe it's my fate to run into weak pathetic men... or boys who is still trying to grow up... if they ever will. for once... i wanted to be wanted. wanted just because i'm me.i've always been 'needed' because i'm me. but just once... i don't care if it's a day or an hour... i just want to be wanted. i'm tired of being their savior. i don't want to be a hero. i want to be free. i wan to be me. the worst thing i have ever heard in my entire life was said by a man i thought i could fall in love with: "you're my hero. you came at the right time, i needed you. i feel so unworthy of you at this point." needed was in the past tense. Hero he said. why it is that i always have to be the strong one, the brave one? i'm the woman... aren't i suppose to be vulnerable and weak? maybe that's my fear, if you're wanted, you'll last longer but if you're needed... you're only important until you're no longer "needed." there is a time limit... or a limit to how much you're needed... then it always run out. i've lived my life so far furfilling my parents' wishes because they needed me for this and that... but i wonder... if i ever just stop... just say no... would they stop loving me? if not then... will their love for me deminishes? love doesn't expire... at least not real love... but needs does. do they only love me because they need me? or do they love me because i'm me? the last time i did something against their wishes... they were going to disown me.... to be wanted simple because they love me is different than to be needed because of a situation or a their desire. i want to be needed because i'm wanted...


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Posted on Fri, Aug 29, 2008 14:24

you know... that's why i've always have relationship with older people. my peers are too young for me i guess.


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Nicegirl1268
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Posted on Thu, Aug 28, 2008 15:04

Robtest.... wow it's so cool that someone as level and smart as you agrees with me...gotta love that. Thanks for saying hello.. It is nice to come back after a long absence to see things are still the same. I find some comfort in that. ~T~


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Posted on Mon, Aug 18, 2008 15:17

for someone so young, you have so much angst. It makes me mad at the world... my only advice is steer clear of boys. Find someone who's clear in their mind who they are, and can bring to you, as much as you bring to the relationship.


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sizzlinhot
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Posted on Sat, Aug 16, 2008 14:56

"When you want me, but no longer need me, it will be my time to go". I think that statement speaks volumes.


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robtest
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Posted on Sat, Aug 16, 2008 10:19

They say that as we date, we develop certain repeating patterns. If you are constantly meeting people that don't work out, then you need to identify those patterns so that you can stop repeating them. I would say that a certain amount of emotional need is healthy for a relationship, but that there must be some give and take. If you are not getting what you need on emotional, intellectual and physical arenas, then it is time to move on... Hey T! Glad to see you still around. :o) I think you hit the nail on the head. It is a fine line between want and need.


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Nicegirl1268
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Posted on Fri, Aug 15, 2008 18:08

The "Want" vs the "Need". THis is a long standing problem with most people, many do not recognize the difference. I know the difference, and choose to be "wanted" And will not settle for a needy person who does not know the difference. ~T~ Great Topic


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