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MorningAngel
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 17:41

It started off with something little. A book left out of place. His coffee was too strong. "You know how I like everything so why can't you get it right" I thought I had made a real mistake and messed things up so I tried harder. Then if a man simply smiled at me in passing or held the door for me as I went through, I was flirting. But the sun rose and set on him, couldn't he see that? "Don't bother trying to make me that supper, you can't do it nearly as good as my mother can" So I begged his mother to teach me how to make it her way, but it never seemed to turn out right in his eyes. First it was something little and happened only once, but little by little it become more frequent and growing in intensity. That first time he ever laid a hand on me in anger he merely pushed me just a tiny bit. I was shocked. He lost his temper with me one day in a local mall when I ran into a male class mate of mine and his two small boys and merely talked about the previous class. Suddenly I was disgracing him in his home town and having an affair. I can remember being so upset and mad, again disbelieving that he couldn't see how much I loved him and adored him. Then the gifts started. For every time he lost his temper with me it was diamond earings, new clothes and so on. It won't happen again, here let me buy you something to show you how sorry I am. But it happened again and again. Then while pregnant I had complications and ended up in the hospital early in the pregnancy. I was at home alone and I was terrified, while he was hundreds of miles away at his parents. I called him for reassurance and love. Isn't that what husbands are for? He never offered to come home and be with me and said I'd be fine. When he got home he was livid with me. How dare I ruin his family get together by pulling a stunt like that. That was the night he first hit me. "It's all your fault" he said. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. This floored me. I'm not uneducated. In fact in highschool I counselled my peers and helped get some out of bad situations. We'd been trained about abuse. I couldn't accept that I was in an abusive situtation. It grew from there sadly. His yelling at me and belittling me happened more often. He even accused me of having an affair with my childhood best friend, who's wife had been his childsweetheart and my other best friend since kindergarten. They distanced themselves from me in an effort to protect me. Then I went into labour early and the baby was born too early and died. The guilt trips he put on me. Months later when I was pregnant again his words were" Abort the baby since you know you will never carry it to term and you're going to be a horrible mother anyways. You don't deserve to have this baby." I started to ask myself if he was right. I started to question myself on every action I took every minute of every day. I had to be doing something wrong. There had to be something wrong wtih me. It grew and grew until it was a raging monster of hate and fear. I kept telling myself I could try harder and he'd love me again and treat me like a queen. I was issolated and alone. I tried and tried and it never happened. It only got worse over time. Not even having police and charges laid against him helped. He was back in no time at all and made sure I was pregnant again so I couldn't leave him again. And the monster grew. The day I lay on the floor floating in between a consious and unconsious state after having been thrown across the room to hit my head while he picked me up by the shoulders and threw me back down again on the floor over and over, I could hear my daughter screaming he'd killed me. When I came to that was the day I decided it had to stop. I started to plan and wait for the right moment to put my plans into action. I started to get mad at him for how he was hurting us all and especially me. And we did it. We left and have never looked back and will NEVER go back to that life. And I was the first one to ask for professional help to never repeat that again. And I won't. I wanted to tell this story for one reason. Maybe somewhere out there someone will get involved with a man like my ex husband. And that little thing will start up and make a side of him come out. Watch for the little signs please and don't ever dismiss them. Abuse can happen to all of us. Rich or poor. From educated or non educated backgrounds. Don't be afraid to admit it, especially to yourself. You are a valuable person who should be loved and treasured and not broken and used. No matter how rich, powerful, good looking he is.. he does NOT have the right to mistreat you. If you see those little signs and something in the back of your mind tells you this isn't right, PLEASE listen to that little voice. I didn't and I dismissed it. And picking up the pieces and starting again is very hard to do. And if you need a friend, I'm always here to listen and to help. And if I'm not, others are and are more then willing to help. We all have choices to make in life. He's made his, now you make yours. Love yourself and believe in yourself. You're worth the world of treasures.


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1RareFind
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Posted on Wed, May 30, 2007 15:49

What a story, MA. Thank you for sharing. I am glad you survived and chose to get help. Yours is truly a message of hope!


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Posted on Wed, May 30, 2007 15:30

Thank goodness you had the strenght to make it out. I think like Honey said women start to act like the victim after constant assults of nit picking at our persons and little "put downs." Sometimes kids make us decide not to "take" it anymore. Puts things into perspective. You start to notice your kid speaks to you with the same disrespect that your husband does or starts treating you like a doormate. I'm sorry that you or "any" woman has to experience that...that is why being vigilant about how your mate treats you is extremely important. It starts with small criticisms and end in a trip to the hospital or 6 feet under lol...


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_HONEY
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Posted on Tue, May 29, 2007 00:37

MorningAngel: It was his lack of self-esteem that caused him to control and isolate you from family and friends. Still, you contributed to the realtionship. Eventually, it's the female that begins to act like a battered child, trying to please her batterer so he will stop hurting her. He systematically convinces her that no one would want her, saying she is.....(list all the bad words that make her feel unlovable and unattractive.) She feels lower than low and it affects her work and mental/emotional/physical health. My batterer was killed by plain clothed police who cut his brake lines. He was not a boyfriend, but a stalker in my 20's. He tried to drown me in the bath tub, dragged me by my hair, raped me, I cannot tell you the rest, as it is like a triple x movie and very graphic. Because of that experience I was able to work for 30 years teaching the worst behaved males in the school system. Nothing made me flinch. I think I could even work in a prison after having a gun to my head. I am afraid of no one. I never heard my parents have an argument and I'm a peacelover. I did not seek this man--he found me at my swimming pool at my apartment building. I did not date for a few years after that just to get my head in shape. MorningAngel, I understand how it feels to go through it, the shame, and later the new found strength. Having PEACE in the home and finding a kind man with great self-esteem and strong problem solving skills is very important after going through that. Best wishes, HONEY


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Merlin2005
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Posted on Mon, May 28, 2007 19:55

MorningAngel, I am very impressed that you were willing to share such a deeply emotional part of your life. This tells me that you trust the readers here and judging from the responses you have received they appear to be a special group of friends. You are a strong lady and I love your attitude. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her rock. Best wishes!


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Posted on Mon, May 28, 2007 06:18

MA, You are a treasure and you have a heart of GOLD. You're a very brave woman and this tells me there is nothing in life that you can't handle ... stay strong, keep the peace in your heart, and love will find you dear friend. With love, XHeartNSoulO


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angelface10
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 22:34

Angel... I had a similiar relationship, with a guy that could buy his way out of any trouble, he had gotten himself in... Little do wealthy fathers realize, what terrible repercussions can happen, by that Golden Child given everything... Finally... his father realized what a monster he had become and said, You are on your own... But, it was really too little too late... The prison system is full, of these rebellious adults, that had to be in control from day 1 .. Yes ! they make lousy boyfriends, let alone husbands. Dr. Susan Forward, has a book that really helped me at that point in time. It's called, THE MEN WHO HATE WOMEN, AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM... They will cripple you mentally if allowed, and physically if you stay too long, and they almost always have to seek help, to change... My friend did seek help finally, when he reached rock bottom, but it was a rollercoaster ride, I wouldn't get on again... but he did learn to control his temper... By allowing him to be that way, he thinks he doesn't need to change. Get off the rollercoaster, that will force him to address the issue, but keep safe, above all ! & God Bless !!! : )


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syfromtexas
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 21:36

MA I to admire you for getting out of this situation. I am so amazed at the fact that intelligent, beautiful people can fall prey to these charming *&^*&^%##s. I used to work with at risk women and sometimes the only thing that woke them up was to tell them that statistically a spouse abuser eventually becomes a child abuser. Best wishes to you and yours.


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sizzlinhot
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 19:34

Isnt it amazing that even at our lowest points in life God carries us through to another day? He gives us no more than we can bear. You're a stronger, self reliant, determined woman for what you endured. By sharing your experience you could be giving someone else the courage to help themselves out of the same type of scenerio. I volunteer at a homeless shelter /domestic violence shelter. I see victims from all walks of life. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated etc. The children's faces leave the biggest impression on me. Its what brings me back week after week to help. Im proud of you for sharing such a personal story. You never truly know how many lives you can touch with your words...... I hope it inspires someone who is looking for answers.


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crazybeautiful2000
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 18:19

MA, quite a story, straight from your heart. I am glad you are away from the situation, and hope you have helped someone by telling your story. It took real guts.


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MorningAngel
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Posted on Sun, May 27, 2007 17:54

Don't let it break your heart *hugs* I'm doing absolutely awesome and it never broke me. Only made me a stronger person. And more determined to help others. If I can help one person through the troubles I've seen in life then my life holds some great value. Store what I've said away, and if someday you need to use it or if you meet someone and need to share it. Do please.


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