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What do you consider is 'too fast'? Sort by:
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Posted on Tue, Mar 27, 2007 23:04

I've been dating a fellow for the past 3 months. We really like each other. He has 3 kids. Two that will have moved out of home next Fall, and one that is 12. So a few years left at home. Myself, this Fall I'll be a true empty nestor. I had a taste of it for 4 months last Fall, but this year, it's the real deal! I own my house. It's very nice, on an acreage just 15 minutes to downtown. Prime location! Quick exit from the city also. The fellow I'm dating lives in a bungalow that is nice enough. He could make it really nice inside to if he wanted. But he doesn't like his house. He's about 30 minutes from downtown where he and everyone in business works. He lives in a nice neighborhood. A 30 minute drive before you get to city limits if you want to go somewhere. His son supposedly doesn't want to move from the area though. A week ago, I made a comment about last year it really bothered me when my daughter went away for 4 months. This year I'm prepared, and I'm okay with being on my own. Then I added that I had him to keep me company. Well, his comment back to me was that he hoped to more than keep me company. I'm thinking...okay, and wondering what he means by it. Saturday afternoon he was over to my house and we went for a walk. I have a few corals built around me, which have posts, that the white paint is fading. He started making plans for the two of us to paint them this Spring, as well as, the small out buildings (I never use). Heck, he's going to help me with my gardening (I have tons!!!) all kinds of work around here. Then yesterday he commented how he was hoping his son would move from the house they were living in, because he didn't really like it. He didn't mention anything about buying a new house, or neighborhood he'd like to move to. He's told me a few times he really likes my house, yard, location. I have two dogs, a cat, hot tub, privacy...great for kids. He said he didn't want to put alot of money into his house, because he's thinking he would like to just rent it out. Now housing prices have gone thru the roof here in the past two years. A year ago, in 6 months properties almost doubled in price. It's nuts! I don't know. He didn't say it, but it left me feeling that he is working up to possibly moving in with me next Fall, after my daughter moves out. Suddenly, as much as I like him, I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. It seems so soon. My ex and I dated 2.5 yrs before we moved in together. But I'm also turning 47 in a month. Who knows how many years I have left now! lol On the other hand, his 12 yr son can drive me nuts! He's so noisy all the time, totally contrast to my kids when they were young. He acts more like an 8 yr old than 12 turning 13 soon. In gr 7. He never listens to his father, who is at a loss how to deal with him. It's almost a battle of the wills, only the kid is winning, because he's laughing, and Dad is pissed, but just doesn't know what to do short of beating the kid, which he won't do. I feel stressed when I'm around his son and he isn't listening and doing what he is told. I bite my tongue, but I really feel like telling him to do what he is told for a change, and stop behaving like a spoiled brat. So my question is...in the event that maybe he is thinking of the prospect of moving in with me next September/October...that's only after 9/10 months of seeing each other (albeit daily)...do you think that's a little fast?


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angelic1975
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Posted on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 18:07

If you want the relationship to last, my advice is do not let him move in right now. It won't last! Unfortunately it is a package deal and if you can't accept or enjoy the whole package there will be a lot of problems later on.


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sizzlinhot
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Posted on Thu, Mar 29, 2007 15:59

hmmmm.... you're in a tough spot. I guess the most important question is how much do you really like/love this man? Then ask yourself how you'd respond to a man who tolerated your child but didnt really have a vested interest? You know about his son. How he behaves, how his father raises him. His child is part of the package. Just like your child is. Yours just doesnt live at home any more. (or soon to be leaving). From what you've said he sounds like he'd be a huge help around your home. That he would enjoy working on home projects together with you. The only way this relationship will work is if you sit down with him and talk about the son. The things that bug you. How he's raised. The rules you have in your home etc. If you run into a wall of disagreement or attitude then I'd heed the warning signs. I feel for you.... its not easy to be in a relationship where there are older children still living at home. They know how to manipulate and play their parents.


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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 16:03

Hmmmm...I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression about this man. He is truly terrific. I have no complaints. As a matter of fact, it's weird, but after dating him two weeks, my intuition was telling me I'll probably end up marrying this guy. I have fairly strong feelings for this guy now. But I'm not ready to marry, nor move it together. I'm not worried about him trying to take advantage of me. I think we both handle our finances similarly. We think similary ... it's uncanny. I'm not sure PuRrFekly if I could bring it up at this moment, because right now it is only something that I have been wondering after he says certain things. And of course when I put them all together...well...they really make me wonder! When I'm around his loud, boisterous son...I truly look forward to having peace and quiet in the walls of my own home! It's not dead silent, because my daughter & I are often talking about things, and having lots of laughs together. But it is not some obnoxious loud noise that is irritating on one's nerves! lol Geez that sounds bad! I'm supposed to meet them for dinner at a restaurant later tonight. I wonder how his son will act in public? Guess I'm about to find out! You're right BP...I seem to be talking myself out of it. When I want quiet time...going home is a perfect escape! At least for now, until his hyper son tones down more as he becomes a young and more mature adult. Actually I can handle the constant sounds he feels he needs to make...it's the lack of respect and disobedience that would get the best of me. Nope! Gem I would not be able to bite my tongue. Although I would refer only to his behaviour...I never resort to name calling, or profane language. But people get protective of their kids. So it might not be taken well. Hmmmm...I guess only time will tell. I definitely would not have time to myself where I could play on MM blogs anymore! lol If he moved in...bye would be bye! lol


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Boopster2000
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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 11:31

Sharon, If you reread your own blog I think you are talking yourself into the answer that you are looking for. Enjoy his company if you want to but give the rest of it plenty of time. You have plenty of your own doubts, listen to them.


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MMeanMMachine
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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 11:20

Hunni Aint yo sumpin so ya think this guy wants to move in huh. Shame on ya for leadin this poor guy on. What y'all bin doin to him? yo jes a jezebel


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TurningPoint
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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 08:27

I am very old fashioned, and I don't believe in living together before marriage. It seems like people want to "test drive" the relationship instead of looking at their prospective partner as someone to share their "journey" in life. My question is...do you love him enough that you become one? e.g. his son is not HIS problem, it is your problem. Can you try to love his son as you do him? You talk of the here and now, yet really you don't know what the future holds. How might each of you react in the face of tradgedy or health issues. No test drive for that. I think it should be about love. There is no magic formula to determine if you are perfectly compatible and life will be great together. I think it is all about love and commitment and of course being a Christian I believe in a foundation rooted in Christ. Statistics back me up on the old fashioned way of things..... Fifty percent of couples who marry today live together beforehand. Their odds of divorce are two times greater than couples who don't. (Psychology Today, July/August 2005). In fact the studies go one step further. Couples who cohabit before marriage have significantly poorer quality of marriages evidenced by less satisfaction, more arguing, poorer communication, and here's the surprising part, lower levels of commitment. I think many people who are divorced think they need to live together first because they'll make a better decision. But statistics counter that... MYTH: Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. FACT: Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is in fact higher than that of first marriages. I say look for genuine love and say your prayers. The rest will work itself out. TP


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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 07:49

Thanks everyone. Paulina you brought up alot of good points. I'd never sell my house. I'd rent also, if moving in with someone. That way I always have somewhere to go should things not work out. He's financially stable, had no debt until he divorced and his silly wife kept taking him to court to get more. She ended up with less, but both ended up with major legal costs! So if he rented his house, discussing such issues wouldn't be a problem. As for sorting out his own house...he's no couch potatoe. He maintains his house well. He's just noting that my yard needs work. It does, but it's overwhelming to me. And I have another yard that I maintain over the Summer months, and enjoy it. I'm not around to work on this yard, other than to keep the grass mowed every 2 wks. He does alot of running around with his kids for sports also. I've done that too. I'm going on a trip with him in June, and we are stopping off in Ontario to visit his parents for a day. :-) Puck...his house doesn't need painting or such repairs to rent. It's good to go as is. I was thinking of ripping out a wall to open up the kitchen & dining area. New kitchen cabinets, change the baseboards and window casings to 5" and 3", to give it a more elegant appearance ... should he stay. As for renting to lease. There is a .01 vacancy rate here...for rentals or those wanting to buy a home. The idea to rent is to bring in an additional income. I'd like to acquire rental properties also. I have a few friends that own several duplexes, apartment buildings to rent for income. I also suggested the councelling for himself & his son to go together. Starfinder...you are correct. As I wrote it I was thinking that very thought myself. Today I would not be ready. Come September or October, that may change. As for his kids...I am usually 'the more the merrier'. I love kids. I had his kids and mine over for dinner Monday night and we had a blast. BUT his son...he's playing his Dad, and I see it so clearly. His Dad knows it too, but feels his hands are tied, because of his ex. As much as I love kids SV, my concern is that this kid is heading for trouble by the time he is 16, if Dad can't find a way to control him now. He's not doing things that are 'bad', just being disobedient deliberately, and laughing at Dad as if to say..."Make me, I dare you!" This is blatant disrespect for his Dad. It doesn't fly with me. I had my issues with my kids, but they were months apart, not daily. I always thanked God that I had the kids I did, because they were so easy to raise. If I needed to impose a grounding on my kids, I'd talk to their Dad, and it was carried on at his place. For the sake of our kids, we worked together. They couldn't play one again the other. This guy's ex is an alcoholic. She lets the kids do whatever they want, stay up as late as the want. No rules! Well, come Fall, I would have to see an improvement in his son's behaviour, because I might lose it with him, and that would not be good!


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sepelo7
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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 06:18

It's too soon when you aren't ready. Period


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Posted on Wed, Mar 28, 2007 05:43

The fact that you are wondering should be a sign to put the brakes on and continue dating. I would consider long stays first, to see if you can live with him. Not everything is always what it seems....


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Posted on Tue, Mar 27, 2007 23:57

After reading this from an outsider looking in I would say the relationship isn't ready for it. If this is what's on his mind why isn't the relationship at a point now to even discuss the issue. Secondly I find it very interesting the way you wrote out the question to us and I quote "So my question is...in the event that maybe he is thinking of the prospect of moving in with me next September/October...that's only after 9/10 months of seeing each other (albeit daily)...do you think that's a little fast?" What I am wondering is where's your thought into moving in together? He's sure as heck throwing the hints out, but what about you? There is no set rules of what's enough or to much time when it comes to love. I didn't gather the same feeling coming from your post. That this is what you really want just yet. I think your flattered by it but the reality of it all is another thing. Oh and your "only" 47, I certainly think you have plenty of time on your side lol. I can see his son being a issue if it's not resolved before the Relationship starts including him and you two move in together, that could harvest a whole new set of issues to deal with.


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