I believe that a key component of choosing that perfect mate is sexual compatibility.While we drench our airwaves with sexual images (primarily the young and nubile), as a culture we talk to infrequently about sex.Worse much of our dialogue is undereducated and discloses a weak knowledge of what great sex can be.In growing up, I had to find my own sexual style.Each of us does. Somewhere along the road I realized I was kinky.
Now hold on a minute.Before you imagine me dressed up like an adult baby, or decked out in drag.Let me define the term.
Kinky is a term used when an individual or couple has made an effort to become more sexually intelligent and express their sexual pleasures and desires in a more expressive, unambiguous and accentuated way.
For me, it includes almost anything you can imagine, that consenting adults could do for sexual pleasure.It also includes an affirmative effort to discover those aspects of a person’s sexual style that provide significant pleasure to either or both participants.
I believe that we all should be kinky.We should all know ourselves enough to make sure we can find those aspects of ourselves that bring both pleasure in contentment whether or no it is about sex, cooking or travel.
Be kinky folks.
PS:Sorry for those who read this with prurient interest.My choices are for my intimates alone
I am blessed to have an interesting job.One of the perks is that I am asked to travel all over the world.While the frequent trips to Cleveland, Ohio and Iowa are ordinary, I have also stepped foot on six continents in the last year and found all sorts of interesting places from the markets of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia to the streets of Seurat, India to the back alleys of Moscow.
What is fascinating to me is the strength of my lust to keep travelling.The more road miles I put in, the more places I want to visit, or revisit.If you have not walked the Charles Bridge in Prague, or passed Lenin’s Tomb (the ugliest building in history); you should.From the polar bears of Churchill to the Hermitage in St. Petersburg the world is full of great places.
My ever lengthening list still has Peru (Inca Trail), the North Pole (dogsled and a ski) and a photo safari.
Where are some of yours?
Disclaimer: I failed to list a hundred great places and mean no offense to any that I did not list.
Two years ago, I tried a professional matchmaker.It is a very different experience from being on a website, but it has some of the same issues. I also learned a lot about the dating population – or at least those willing to plunk down $ 10,000.00 to find true love.While it failed, I learned a lot.
During my initial interview, the matchmaker asked what age range I was willing to date.44 at the time, I suggested that 34 – 54 as a suggestion.There was an odd silence for a moment.She explained that in her almost twenty years in the business I was only the second man in my age range that was willing to date an older woman.
This seems odd and painful, if true. In the interests of full disclosure, I was married to a woman ten years older than I was and while we had issues here age was never one of them.
For my part, I do not really care about age. I look for a certain maturity level and a certain spice for life, but all things being equal I would prefer a woman my age that has some life experience and some savvy.
Benjamin Franklin said it much better than when he wrote of the pleasures of an older woman.I would add that smart, sexy and mature is an unbelievable combination.
For me Memorial Day is about my grandfather.He passed away when I was twelve after a long battle with cancer.To me growing up, he was a super hero.I knew him as the big giant man who knelt down on painful knees to play with Tonka trucks, and then later drove me to every historical site within 5 hours of his hometown.I would stay at his house for weeks on end, during the summer. Maybe once a week, he would wake up screaming about fire.It never felt scary so much as ordinary. It was what he brought back from World War II.
My grandfather was an electrician on board the USS Bunker Hill when it was struck by kamikazes and bombs during the battle of Okinawa.He never spoke about it. There was a little tin box of medals and a letter signed by some admiral, but that was all.I knew from his wife that the man standing next to him was completely blown apart (there was only a finger left) and that he survived a horrific fire by pulling a sock over his head, but little else.He never bragged or touted his service – he was just grandfather.He was a man of absolute integrity and never raised a hand to anyone.He was one of that elite class of men who went to war and won it on behalf of a nation.Never a whimper, never a whine – these are the sort of heroes who have made this great nation.
My best to all those who served this fine country.
I gained many, many things from my marriage and divorce, but none more valuable than discovering my manhood. I am not talking about being older; I am talking about growing up and discovering whom you are and what you wish to stand for.For me that growth was an act of asserting myself and trying as best I can to act with integrity.I have always been an in charge person, I was the only one that seemed to not realize that.
If I look back on a long marriage I realize that I was too often passive. I “went along to get along” so often that I lost who I was in being utterly agreeable and utterly pliable.It took me a long time to realize that a man has certain requirements and expectations to meet to fully realize himself.All those little things such as opening doors, always picking up the first check, taking the lead in decision-making are what a man should do.In my experience it is what women want in their partners.If you are always perfectly willing to do as she wishes, respect will drain away as certainly as water through a sieve.
I understand that such a viewpoint may be seen as politically incorrect, but it is not.Being given the lead is not an excuse to act the ass or become a domestic tyrant. Instead it is allowing your male essence to assert itself (And, yes there are women who are the more driven and dominant partner, and that takes nothing away from their femininity or desirability).
Since I have taken the lead in my life every thing has changed for the better.I act more who I am I have become happier, my work has blossomed, my partners have been better served (in and out of the bedroom), and I have less stress and more fun. I am more authentic and reliable than ever before.
Of course, my style and persona is not for everyone, instead it is as unique as a fingerprint.I have no road map to share, but instead the belief that we each have a roadmap. We need only follow and see how great life can be come.Each of us is the one and only arbiter of our life choices and in knowing that mean everything.
I wanted to write something about the nature of attraction.I am talking about he immediate jolt you get when you feel drawn to a person.Adults learn quickly and painfully that is not a reliable indicator of long-term relationship success (though it helps) and it often creates some of the most delicious feelings.It is as they say what it is.
The emotional equivalent of lightning in a bottle, it can be at the grocery store, the bookstore, in a crowded subway or here.Anywhere, anytime it can just appear convenient of not.
My working life has gone from historian to lawyer to technologist and none of these fields seems to have any helpful information (and don’t asks the psychologists they are guessing as well) as to how or when we might catch this illusive quicksilver.I know the heart break of when you meet online and there is this grand build up, you seem to complete each others thoughts and you think that things might –- this time – be perfect.But then you meet, he or she will be perfectly presentable, look like their picture, dress nicely, have great manners every detail in line with the implicit promises, and he is as interesting to you as a stale loaf of white bread.So, what went wrong?
It is not only online this attraction deficit shows up.I had the distinct pleasure of being introduced to a extremely well known, world renowned beauty actress and she asked me out (for the record, I am a decidedly average looking guy with a small measure of wit), but after the first dinner it was clear that I had no sense of attraction to one of the most beautiful women I had ever met. We missed intellectually and I had I exchanged emails we would never have gone out. So, what went wrong?
I think that before we meet we fill in what we don’t know with our own hopes and dreams.Our unconscious pours into the interstices of what we know and thus create the image that we most want from a combination of the things that we know and the things that we hope.It is a process is both inevitable and necessary.For me it is how I think of the slippery quicksilver that is attraction.
Many of us are here to find that one special soul to bond with. The person who we believe will be at our side through thick and thin, will accept our foibles, and, if we are real lucky, still be holding our hands when we pass away.All great, all grand and all magical.
There seems to be no magic dust that allows us to find that perfect mate.I have combed voodoo shops and fortuneteller tents and never found a magic compass to true enduring love.Lottery winners are more numerous than those who find that perfect life mate, and I know more people that have been struck by lightning than true love.So, other than waiting for Godot, we flip through profiles on websites, go to inane speed dating events, hire expensive matchmakers, or subscribe to goofy mathematical model that do not work (and yes, I have done all of these).We simply have to remind ourselves that finding a mate is real work, hard work, like digging a ditch or completing a difficult puzzle.
The work of finding that perfect mate is for me a journey that teaches me about who I am. The act of looking and finding and looking again changes us for the better.I learn with each date, sometimes with each email, and for all that I am happier and healthier for without all of this hard work, how will we know when we find that perfect mate.
And, for that woman on the other end of this journey, I am coming – and I will be worthy of your love.Just keep looking for me.