I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........ and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled, and said,
"Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are
"Well," she explained. "One popular
myth is that African American men
are the most well endowed, when in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little
uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at how fast it could go.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but the young man was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far!"
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast.
"Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally,
"He snores while I masturbate!"
Hello, and thank you for calling the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive/compulsive... press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant... ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities... press 3, 4, 5 & 6. If you are paranoid... we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line, and we will trace this call. If you are delusional... press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic... listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive... it doesn't matter which number you press; no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic... press 69,69,69,69. If you have a nervous disorder... please fidget with the hash key until the beep; after the beep... please wait for the beep. If you have a short-term memory loss... please try your call again later. And if you have a low self-esteem... hang up; all of our operators are too busy to talk to you anyway.
BIG day tomorrow, boys? Then do the opposite of Mick Jagger and tell her: let's not spend the night together.
A man's brainpower, scientists say, can be damaged by sharing a bed. When they spend the night with a partner, their sleep patterns are disturbed, whether they make love or not.
This leads to poorer mental agility the next day.
Women do not suffer from the same problem. They have disturbed sleep if they share a bed, but tend to get better quality rest when they do drop off and their brain power remains undiminished.
The findings suggest if a man has an important day ahead he would be best to head off to the spare room rather than share the marital bed.
The research, featured in New Scientist magazine, was presented to the Forum of European Neurosciences in Vienna last week.
The study also found sharing a bed can impact on dreams.
Typically, women remembered more of their dreams after sleeping alone, while men recalled the most after sex.
And while most men believed having a partner helped them to drop off, most women felt they slept better when alone.
This could be because men were more often blamed for some of the obvious causes of disturbed sleep, such as snoring, "tossing and turning" and "hogging the doona".
Over-heating because of the extra warmth generated by sleeping beside another person may be just as blameworthy for a sleep-deprived night as other factors.
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not?"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WIFE: "Would you get married again?"
MAN: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not, don't you like being married?"
MAN: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: makes audible groan.
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
MAN: "She can't use them; she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - >
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M Y'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increase breast size, decrease intelligence, and prevent conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music, NASCAR and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
A N T I -T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their hair stories with total strangers in elevators or airplanes.
N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
A beautiful shapely woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the owner?", she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually no.", he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.", she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I am afraid I can't.", breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, I need for you to give him a message.", she continued, running her forefonger across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?", the bartender managed to ask.
"Tell him...", she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room!"