Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party..
Jack is not normally a big drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party..
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight..
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son. what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.. , drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran in the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone b****, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
Lil Ol' Lady ?
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a lil old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied
Let's face it, there are no prizes for second place in internet dating.
You either meet someone and both of you feel it clicks or you don't.
When you meet someone, sometimes it clicks for one, but not for the other. Sometimes it clicks for neither, but the only time that it really works out is when it clicks for both.
One of the comments you often hear is that dating sites are a virtual candy store. Too many options makes it very easy to just say "Next". It kinda makes you wonder if back in our parents day, because of more limited options, people actually had to put more effort into accepting each other, and in doing so, they were rewarded with relationships!
An assumption that you should never make is that whomever you are meeting is only talking to you. Parallel dating many at once is probably a norm amoung internet daters. You usually have to pay to interact on a site, so "to get your money's worth", it is a good strategy to talk to as many as possible and weed the list down, hopefully ending up with one great choice at the end of the process.
Of course, parallel dating does leave a sticky situation of dealing with the ones that you want to weed out. Secondly, it leaves you with negative feelings when you have been "weeded out".
How is the best way to deal with this process? Ideally, it would be great if we were all well adjusted souls, and could just be honest. Realistically that just doesn't happen. Some people are afraid to be honest for many reasons, such as not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings, and also fear of the other person being rude at the reprisal.
Parallel dating does have interesting moments. It sometimes is hard to keep all the different conversations straight! Recently I was on a first meeting with a lady and she said "So you really like the micro brewery beers do ya?", to which I replied "Actually, I am a little more partial to rum drinks"... Being an avid reader of body language, the look on her face was priceless. LOL... Like I say, never assume that you are the only one that someone is talking to. She did recover quite well, and the conversation proceeded on.
One of my favorite bits of wisdom was not found in a book, but passed on to me by my mother. She said "If someone is not interested, there is nothing you can do to keep them around, but if someone is interested, there is nothing you can do to keep them away"...
So what are your thoughts on this? I am interested to hear what others think on the subject. How do you handle the weeding process, got any interesting stories to tell?
We all have some habits that we know are bad choices for us. We indulge them for too long and it is not good for us, but we just keep doing it. There comes a time when we just have to give them up.
So I am giving up sex!
ROFLMAO... Just kidding. This is actually my last day of smoking.
I figured a full moon is as good a day(night) as any, so I am working on my last pack of ciggies, and tomorrow will start a new phase, smoke free...
I have smoked off and on for the last 19 years. Quit back in 2005 for 11 months, and then started back again out of boredom and foolishness.
Thought I would start a blog, and document my trials and tribulations as I pass through these initial crital weeks.
Smoking is a bad habit. Nasty, foul and stinky. But I will say that I enjoy sitting on the front porch in the evenings, with a drink and a smoke, listening to the world go by...
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Below you will find a variety of kiss types. If you find some that catch your fancy, feel free to try them :o)
Butterfly Kiss - With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.
Cheek Kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.
Earlobe Kiss - Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.
Eskimo Kiss - With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.
Eye Kiss - Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.
Eyelid Kiss - While your partner is resting/sleeping with eyes closed, very very gently kiss the spot right below their browbone. A very intimate kiss.
Finger Kiss - While laying together gently suck on their fingers. This can be very seductive and pleasurable.
Foot Kiss - An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.
Forehead Kiss - The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.
Freeze Kiss (or Melt Kiss) - Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual french kiss with a twist of cold.
French Kiss - The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the "Soul Kiss" because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this "The English Kiss".
Fruity Kiss - Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips (juicy fruits such as grapes, strawberries, small pieces of pineapple or mango are ideal). Kiss your partner and nibble one half of the piece of fruit while they nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.
Hand Kiss - Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady.
Hickey Kiss - The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.
Hostage Kiss - Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them: "I've been saving my lips all day just for you!" Then kiss your love passionately!
Hot and Cold Kiss - Lick your partner's lips so that they're warm, and then gently blow on them. The sudden cold blast makes for a sensual explosion, and they will often try it on you next, as well as get very passionate.
Mistletoe Kiss - Surprise your lover by capturing them with a gentle holiday kiss under the mistletoe. This is also a good method for shyer individuals to steal a kiss from a potential lover.
Letter Kiss - Send your lover a kiss in a love letter by writing the letter x several times in a row at the bottom of a letter such as XXXXX.
Lick Kiss - Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it be the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.
Lip Sucking Kiss - When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.
Neck Nibble Kiss - Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.
Nip Kiss - This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips. You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations.
Reverse Lips Kiss - It involves standing above your lover and kissing them from over their head. This way, each kisser can take the hyper-sensitive bottom lip of thier lover in their mouths, and GENTLY draw blood to the surface of the lip by nibbling and sucking. A very sensuous, connecting kiss.
Searching The Cavern - Use the lips and tongue to gently tickle and kiss your lover's navel. Vary speeds and stroke to change sensation. Invigorating and intoxicating.
Shoulder Kiss - Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.
Sip Kiss - Take a small sip of your favorite drink. Leaving a little bit of it on your lips, kiss your partner. It is a unique way to create a sensual feeling and your partner will enjoy it.
Talking Kiss - Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth. If caught in the act, simply say as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."
Teaser Kiss - Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.
The Buzzing Kiss - Gently place your lips against your lover's neck , behind their ear. Now, send a shudder through their skin by gently growling and humming, vibrating your lips and cheeks as you do so. Move up and down the neck, over the bones of the face and lips. Stimulating and erotic when done correctly.
The Whipped Cream Kiss - Dip your finger into some cool whip or whipped cream of your choice. Lick it off slowly, then embrace your partner and kiss them deeply letting their tongue slip over yours for a wonderfully sweet kiss. It's very seductive and passionate.
Tiger Kiss - Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them.
Trickle Kiss - Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.
Tongue Sucking - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy :-)
Quickie Kiss - When you're in a rush. Often the nose gets it rather than the lips.
Vacuum Kiss - While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth. This is a playful kiss.
Wake Up Kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!
Kinda noticed something odd on the blogs. And no, not the normal oddness of the content written here. LOL, that is a given!
My blog bug theory is that when you get in a conversation on a given blog with someone, you end up with double posts... Basically, when you quote their blog when they quoted you.
Now, I think I might have edit'd my comment, so that might be "the cause" as well.
I just saw it happen again over on Tink's blog on "Table Manners".
So, let's play a little blog game and see if this is a repeatable error!
Basically, let's quote each other, and then come back and "requote", and see if we can end up with lots of double posts in this blog. ((If it doesn't work, try editing your comment too.))
Then we can all report the blog as offensive and see if they will actually review the content and fix the problem!
BTW, they took out my suggestion of being able to edit your own comments on someone else's blog. :o(
This weekend, I traveled up to east TN to see my father for father's day. Yesterday, I took my nephew to see the movie Kung Fu Panda. Before we went in the to movie, I told him that the number one rule of the movie was "no kung fu on your little sister"! :o)
The story line was good, the graphics and animation were great, but one of the things that caught me was this little bit of philosophy tucked away in it.
"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
I borrowed this from one of my game forums, thought it might be fun here too! It is just a silly little blog game.
anyways the object of this is to use the phrase "I like my women/men like i like my..." with a word, then leave the next word for the next person to use...
First word: Ruler.
I like my women like i like my rulers...
and ready to handle 12 inches.
Next word = Coffee
RUN WITH IT MMers !
So we were talking in another blog about monkeys and humans, and I made a reference to my puppy, and rather than wander off topic in that blog, I thought I would start a new one (and wander off topic here! lol) So here is a blog dedicated to puppy dog stories. I have seen enough references to know atleast a few of you out there can tell a puppy tale too. Pardon the pun.
I have a little jumping dog name Raven's Shadow. She will be 12 in August this year. Getting old and a little gray. But her eyes, ears and hips are holding out, and she is doing well.
She was the little runt of the litter. The daughter of the woman, who owned the mother dog, took a liking to her and carried her around like a doll. It was the only pup in the litter that came in the house. I worked with the mother's owner and she had said that she thought I should get the pup. I left Babygirl to be raised by her mom for 10 weeks. I find it a shame that so many pups are taken from their mother and litter mates too early. These first few weeks is the only time that the mother gets to teach them social skills and such. Many behavior problems can arise if "their momma didn't teach them right", much like humans! LOL
So anyways, Raven loves to go find little children to play with. She has two Name tags on her collar. One has my numbers here in GA, and another collar for when we visit my father in east TN (yes, she has gone walkabout up there too.). She has been too the local animal control 3 times now. Twice with the broken 15' lead still attached. BTW, Animal Control personnel doesn't find it amusing when they give you a ticket for "lack of restraint" and you remark "but it seems like she had it with her"...
She was gone once for two weeks. I had signs up all over, been to animal control every 3 days to check, etc. So after having finally given her up as gone, one evening she came wandering in about half an hour past dusk. She was sporting a brand new pink collar. I guess she figured she didn't have it any better there than she did at my house so she came home! I just wish she had come home sporting that $75 radio fence collar!
But about a decade ago, I finally decided to leave it in God's hands. She has been out enough, she is very street savy. She is a friendly dog, loves everyone, so no fear of her biting anyone. About every 6-8 months, I can expect a call at work. I normally ask "Do you have a daughter aged 7-10?" and they say "Yes, how did you know that?".
Queenie, yes, I hate to admit the several times I have whistled out the back door and saw her come running across the hill and leap the fence like a gazelle and then come walking up like she was around the corner the whole time, she was quite beautiful. Thought about the 6' fence till she started jumping the one at the house of the woman I was dating at the time. We did reach a compromise though. About 3 years ago, I started leaving the gate to the backyard open at the carport. Before her wandering dog friends don't have to jump in the fence, and she doesn't have to jump over it to exchange greetings. Much less wear and tear on the lead/run cable. And I don't come home to strange frightened male dogs in the backyard.
So April 2007, I got tired of having to flip around through the blogs just to edit my responses, so I sent in a suggestion to have them add an "EDIT" button that you could select from within a blog after you had responded there.
So the other day I replied to a blog and noticed that there was an "Edit Posting" button. Not sure how long it has been there as I am not as active as in the past.
Thinking it was worth a shot, I sent them an email explaining that it was a suggestion that I sent in many months ago, but it seems like it was a good one if they implemented it.
And low and behold, just like the suggestion page says, they gave me some free time!
It is a big wheel, and it does turn slowly, but it does turn!
3 cheers for MM and implementing new user suggestions!!!
Now if we can just get them to work on the other 999 bugs. :o)
sorry if this is a repeat, but us guys need all the edumacation we can get !!!
Things a Man Should Never Do in the Company of a Woman
The editors of Marie Claire advise against bad tips, blow-drying, and cleaning your gun. We'll take their word for it.
By The Editors of Marie Claire
Reveal how much your car cost.
Clean your gun.
Polish high school trophies (which you still have displayed).
Refer to your mother as your best friend.
Check out our assistant/roommate/the baby-sitter.
Question our footwear.
Blow-dry your hair.
Tip less than 20 percent.
Impressions of us.
Forget to carry cash.
Flip it, flop it, swing it around, tug on it, adjust it, scratch it, or do anything that will remind us that it's just a goofy appendage and not a mystical
source of pleasure and satisfaction.
Boot and rally.
Scream?at the dog, at the guy who just stole your parking spot, at Bill Belichick. Because, no matter how much Belichick deserves it (cheater!), when we hear you raise your voice, we have an idea of what we're in for.
Talk about former exploits. Ever.
Use the words bitch, slut, tramp, or whore, unless referring to another man.
Tell us you're going to kiss us. (Just get on with it!)
We were discussing this at work today and I found it interesting. Some words have different meaning depending on where you are.
I grew up in east TN, watching Hee Haw in the 70's, with Mini Pearl and her famous greeting Howdie (her pronounciation was Hooowwwwddddeeeee!), but was quite surprised when I moved to the more culturally diverse area of Atlanta, GA. I greeted a black friend of mine with "Howdie!" and got back "pretty good, how are you?". It was then that I realized after decades that "Howdie" was actually short for "How are you doing?"
As I began to travel for work, I went to MN. When I asked for tea, I was surprised to be asked "Hot or Cold?". In the south, the question is "Sweet or UnSweet". And for those who don't know, Tea takes sugar much better when it is added while boiling it up than it does after the fact.
Even here on the forums, during one of those infamous fights, someone used the term "poof", which here in the US is typically used like a magic term of "poof, it was gone". One of the combatants was offended by the term, and we later learned that where they were from, "Poof" was a term for a homosexual male.
What examples like this have you learned in your travels???
I have seen comments along these lines for awhile, but seems like lately, we are seeing more posts about CyberHacking Lovers to check for cheating...
So my question to the group is: Does the End Justify the Means???
In the case that you find out they are cheating, you can relieve yourself of a problem relationship. But what if you are wrong? Either way, you are still a less than sterling individual yourself for having commited such acts...
And Good Lord. Don't share the stories here. While you think you might be sharing with your cyber-pals about catching the Mr./Ms. Cheater, you are also sharing with any potential date that you are untrustworthy... :o(
So I found it interesting that MillionaireMatch trademarked CERTIFIED MILLIONAIRE...
So I did a little googling. And found links to the site WealthyMingle. Hmmmm. Interesting...
It is much more stylish than MillionaireMatch. But it is still the same under the covers. Same blogs and forums. Very good! I will bookmark that and use that from now on!
I guess in reality many of us are just mingling and not really matching anyway!
A study by Emory University researchers found that, contrary to popular opinion, men are more likely to look at a female's face before other areas when looking at pictures of naked women.
The study found that women will gaze at pictures of heterosexual sex longer than men.
Emory psychologist Kim Wallen says both findings, published in the journal Hormones and Behavior, shed light on sexual attitudes that really aren't all that mysterious when considered in a scientific light.
Wallen and his former graduate student, Heather Rupp, showed still photos of couples having sex to 30 women and 15 men between the ages of 23 and 28. Each was rigged up with a high-tech eye-tracking device to measure where his or her gaze went first, and how long it stayed there.
Wallen and Rupp say the study suggests that men's increased attention to faces may be related to higher activation in the part of the brain that processes emotional information and excitement.
Wallen says facial expression is one way of showing an indication of interest in and enjoyment of sex.
Not a very large study group, but interesting conclusions none the less. :o) Now where were these type of classes when I was in college!! LOL
I guess given the comment on facial expression, we can now look at pictures without a pleasant smile on their face in a whole new light! Or maybe we have all along???
Older Female Means Better Sex ...
At least for male chimpanzees :o)
(source = SOFTPEDIA BEHAVIOR/HUMANS NEWS)
Scientists have discovered one of the biggest behavioral differences between chimpanzee and man: chimpanzee males prefer sex with older females, opposite to human preference.
Male chimps compete intensively and even fight over the oldest females, while the youngest female chimps have to work harder to get masculine attention. "It's really dramatic because it's not just that the old chimps are avoiding the youngest adult females. They actually have a strong preference for the older mothers," said anthropologist Martin Muller at Boston University.
Compared to younger females, older females were more likely to be approached for copulation, associated with males more often during estrous periods, copulated more frequently with high-ranking males, and gave rise to higher rates of male-on-male aggression during mating period. "The males fight over them more," Muller said.
"They don't have to do anything to get the males interested. The males find them. They follow them around. If you look at the very youngest females, the males will mate with them but it does take more work on the female's part."
The team studied mating behavior on chimpanzees living in the Kanyawara community of Kibale National Park in Uganda. "Chimpanzee copulations are frequently preceded by a series of male courtship signals (e.g., glancing with erect penis and branch shaking), after which either the male or the female approaches the other to mate,"
The researchers wanted to see if chimpanzees behave like humans - their closest living relatives - who form long-term pairs and who value younger females. The results were the opposite. Unlike humans, female chimpanzees can warn around about their fertility, with bright red bottom swellings.
Apparently, chimpanzee females are fertile their entire lives, although they rarely live beyond the age of 40 in the wild and chimpanzees participate in a relatively promiscuous mating system. Humans form long-term mating partnerships, and younger females are more valuable, having a greater reproductive potential as female fertility is limited by menopause. "Older female chimpanzees are more dominant socially and have access to better food." Muller said. "The females that have access to the most food are the most fecund -- the most likely to conceive in any cycle," he said.
Older females may also be better mothers as they are more experienced. "The males do end up mating with all the females for the most part," Muller noted. "People assume that young females are more fertile than older females", but as female chimpanzees do not experience menopause, that's without importance for chimps. "Human men seeking progeny may need to start with younger prospective mothers," Muller said.
"Chimpanzee males may not find the wrinkled skin, ragged ears, irregular bald patches, and elongated nipples of their aged females as alluring as human men find the full lips and smooth complexions of young women, but they are clearly not reacting negatively to such cues," the researchers concluded.
Thus, the monogamy and menopause deeply influenced the preference of human males for young females. This human trait may have appeared in the human lineage after the split from the common branch with the chimps.
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.)Argued over nothing.
2.)Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
4.)Talked excessively without making sense.
5.)Became overly emotional.
7.)Failed to think rationally
8.)Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary...
Chemistry is such a hard thing to find, and dating in your 40's is much more difficult than it was decades ago. I have a 5:90:5 theory...
5% of the people you meet will be "internet dating war stories", 90% will be people who might be good friends, and just maybe 5% might be someone that you find chemistry with and want to get serious about...
I really just want to find one good woman that is "forever" but unfortunately have been collecting lots of empirical data...
I know you are out there somewhere, I just wish I hadn't stumbled so many times on the way to find you! ROFLMAO...