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Man 44
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Ralph and Edna 459 Views 02/10/15

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. 


Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

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Morning Sex 318 Views 01/22/15
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. 
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" 
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck. 
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What brought that on?" 
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Ideal surgical candidates 223 Views 01/11/15

Four surgeons are comparing the type of patients they consider the easiest to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to operate on electricians, because when you open them up everything is color coded."


The second surgeon says, "I prefer to operate on accountants, because when you open them up everything is numbered."


The third surgeon says, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on because everything inside them is in alphabetic order."


The fourth surgeon says, "I've got you all beat. I like to operate on politicians best. They are by far the easiest because they have no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and a$$ are interchangeable."

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Literacy in America 698 Views 12/12/14

Are our educators doing a good job?  How about literacy on the blogs?


Do you know the difference between to, too and two... their, there and they're.... wear, where and we're?  


Can you conjugate and punctuate?

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Letter from the Queen 164 Views 12/13/14
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u' and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

God Save the Queen.
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The President goes shopping 195 Views 12/08/14
President Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch officeof a regional bank to cash a check.
“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”
“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”
Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean,  I am the president.”
“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, Federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID.”
Obama sighs in consternation.
“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”
“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Christmas present.”
The cashier thinks for a minute.
“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.
“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.
“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.
“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Obama, President of the United States?” she asked.
Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.
“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing. My mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says. “Seriously. No clue at all.”
The cashier smiles.
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.
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ED 268 Views 11/14/14

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: ...1/3 ownership in the store, ...a company pickup truck, ...a king size bed and ...$3,000 a month in living expenses.

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I think that I .... 202 Views 09/17/14

...... shall never see

A poem as lovely as a tree.


Joyce Kilmer


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No rest for the weary 89 Views 07/24/14

Jim Geraghty is a Conservative Commentator and blogger and, as such, quite biased.  Should we, however, be concerned about the health of our Presidentt????


No Rest for the Wicked 
As crises at home and abroad worsen, Obama reverts to his favorite trite form of reassurance. 

By Jim Geraghty

Tuesday, President Obama visited the Dutch Embassy in Washington, D.C., and wrote in a condolence book for the victims of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17, “We will not rest until we are certain that justice is done.”

He then departed for a three-day fundraising trip to the West Coast.

Obama’s pledge that “we will not rest until . . . ” may sound familiar to you. In fact, the pledge is so chronically overused, and issued so casually, that it no longer carries much meaning. Here’s a brief history:

April 9, 2009: “We will not rest until we reach a day when not one single veteran falls into homelessness.”

July 31, 2009: “I will not rest until every American who wants a job can find one.”

September 15, 2009: “I want you all to know, I will not rest until anybody who’s looking for a job can find one — and I’m not talking about just any job, but good jobs that give every American decent wages and decent benefits and a fair shot at the American Dream.”

October 23, 2009: “Until the American Dream is within reach for anybody who believes in it, anybody who’s willing to fight for it — we will not rest until that’s happened.”

November 23, 2009: “I will not rest until businesses are investing again and businesses are hiring again and people have work again.”

November 26, 2009: “We cannot rest — and my administration will not rest — until we have revived this economy and rebuilt it stronger than before; until we are creating jobs and opportunities for middle-class families; until we have moved beyond the cycles of boom and bust — of reckless risk and speculation — that led us to so much crisis and pain these past few years.”

December 28, 2009: “A full investigation has been launched into this attempted act of terrorism and we will not rest until we find all who were involved and hold them accountable.”

January 28, 2010: “We will not rest until we build an economy that’s ready for America’s future.”

February 19, 2010: “I’m here to tell you, I will not rest — I know Harry [Reid] will not rest — until we’re not just recovering, but we’re prospering.”

May 12, 2010: “My administration and I will not rest — or be satisfied — until the leak is stopped at the source, the oil on the Gulf is contained and cleaned up, and the people of this region are able to go back to their lives and livelihoods.”

July 8, 2010: “I’ve said since I took office that my administration will not rest until every American who is able and ready and willing to work can find a job, and a job that pays a decent wage and has decent benefits to support a family.”

August 16, 2010: “My administration will not rest till every American who is willing to work can find a job, and a job that pays decent wages and decent benefits to support a family.”

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The Origins of Beer.... Author Unknown 133 Views 07/17/14


A History Lesson

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 

1. Liberals; and 
2. Conservatives. 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. 

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. 

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. 

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

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Farewell to a great American Hero 121 Views 07/07/14

We lost Louie Zamperini last week.  He was the subject of the book and the movie "Unbroken".  He was 97.


Also, Happy Birthday to two American Patriots...


George W. Bush and Nancy Reagan.

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The Law of Large Numbers 125 Views 06/26/14

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.


He says, "Four Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."


Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.


Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

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Are you Pro Choice? 277 Views 05/16/14


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The Ant and the Grasshopper 237 Views 02/12/14


The ant works  hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and  laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames capitalism for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry  King  that the ant  has  gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on  the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you choose to become a parasite, don’t kill your victim.

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Lettter to Alan 219 Views 04/15/14

Remember when Sen. Simpson referred to us as the "greediest generation"?  Here's a response from a "fellow in Montana".


Hey Alan, 

Let's get a few things straight… 

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS ... 

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63) 

3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud ... 

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN ... 

5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills... 

6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay of YOUR debt. 

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling “bullshit” on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU ... 

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50 year

political career? 

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers? 

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance? 

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and health care benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies? 

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators who are "greedy". It is you and they who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what? Votes. That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it. 

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch. 

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What do you see? 134 Views 04/07/14

A Parrott?  A Woman?  Both?

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Blonde Man Jokes 74 Views 04/07/14

 A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: 

 "Did you find the shampoo?"
 He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...

 it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
 A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
 The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
 A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND. "
 He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
 A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone,

 "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 "No!" he shouts, "This is her husband!"
 A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
 Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
 A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

 His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 "Here boy!" he replies.
 A blonde man is in jail.
 The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
 "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
 "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
 "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
 An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
 To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
 A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
 The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
 One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
 The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
 A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said:

 "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
 The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
 To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday


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Abbott and Costello 43 Views 04/07/14

COSTELLO:  I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.
 ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.
 COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.
 ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.
 COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
 ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.
 COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
 ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. 
You have to look for work to be unemployed.
 ABBOTT: No, you miss the point.
 COSTELLO: What point?
 ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
 COSTELLO: To whom?
 ABBOTT: The unemployed.
 COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
 ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
 COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?
 ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
 COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
 ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. Doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.
COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
 Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

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Putin versus the World 260 Views 03/18/14

Ukraine buys almost half all its energy (natural gas)from Russia and the rest of the EU is very dependent on Russian energy. Revenues from natural gas sales are a primary source of income for Russia.

Because of the recent disagreement between Ukraine and Russia, Russia
is removinf the discount on the price of natural gas it sells to Ukraine.

Ukraine is almost broke and can't afford the increase in the natural
gas price because it would be forced into bankruptcy.

Obama(the USA) just announced the United States is giving Ukraine $1
billion to assist in paying for the higher priced natural gas it buys
from Russia.

So, the United States is actually giving Russia $1 billion because the
money is just passing through Ukraine.

The first question: Has Putin figured out a way to raise the price of
his natural gas sales and make the U.S. pay for the increase?

Next question: Was he really in the KGB or was he a commodities trader?

This can backfire on Putin if Cyprus and Israel can supply natural gas from it's new finds and the US can also start exporting to Europe.


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In the Wrong Hands 151 Views 03/27/14

Be careful, be very, very careful.

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