* "Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.
Small Print From Commercials:
* "Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.
* "Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
* "Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.
* "For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
Signs and Notices:
* "No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.
* "Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.
* "These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.
* "All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.
* "Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.
* "Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.
* "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.
* "Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
* "Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.
* "No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.
* "Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.
* "Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
* "In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
* "Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.
* "100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.
* "Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.
* "Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette. See a scanned image.
* "Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.
* "Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.
* "Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.
* "Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.
* "Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.
* "Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.
* "Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.
* "Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.
* "In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.
* "Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.
* "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
* "For heat-retaining corrugated cardboard technology to function properly, close lid." -- On a Domino's sandwich box.
* "Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.
Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.
* "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
* "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
* "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
* "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
* "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
* "Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
* "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.
* "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
* "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
* "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
* "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
* "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
* "Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
* "Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
* "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.
* "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
* "Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
* "This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
* "May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
* "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."
* "Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.
* "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.
* "Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."
* "Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.
* "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
* "Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
* "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
* "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.
* "Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
* "Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.
* "Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
* "For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
* "For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.
* "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.
* "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
* "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.
* "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
* "Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.
* "Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
* "Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
* "Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.
* "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.
* "Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.
* "Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.
* "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
* "Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
* "Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
* "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
* "Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
* "Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.
* "Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
* "Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.
* "For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.
* "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
* "This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.
* "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
* "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
* "Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.
* "Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
* "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
* "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
* "Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.
* "May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.
* "Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
* "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
* "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
* "Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.
* "Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
* "Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.
* "Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."
* "Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
* "Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
* "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
* "Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
* "Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
* "Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
* "Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
* "Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
* "Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote c
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
* "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
* "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
* "Washing machine: free to good home."
* "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
* "Great Dames for sale."
* "Lost Cocktail."
* "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
* "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
* "Free ducks. You catch."
* "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
* "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
* "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
* "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
* "For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
* "Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
* "Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
* "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
* "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
* "Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
* "Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
* "Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
* "Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
* "Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
* "This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
* "Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
* "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
* "Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
* "Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
* "Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
* "Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
* "Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
* "A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
* "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
* "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
* "His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
* "For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
* "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
* "Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
* "We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
* "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
* "Tattoos done while you wait."
* "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
* "Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
* "If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
* "Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
* "Stock up and save. Limit: one."
* "For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
* "Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
* "TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
* "This house has been fully insulted."
* "Man, honest. Will take anything."
* "Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
* "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
* "3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
* "Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
* "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
* "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
* "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
* "Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
* "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
* "Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
* "And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
* "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."