Blogs for X_Pers.

Outward, not Inward...

14-MAY-13

Morning Lobby! My last day on chat.. When we get finally come to the understanding that our existence isn't about what this world has to offer us, but what we can offer of ourselves, we might get it that in that elusive intimate relationship that most of us are pursuing, its about you being the best darn thing that happened to the one you have chosen to align yourself to. How you can be affirming, loving, inspiring and emotionally available for. If both were truly focused on this mindset..just think of how flippin awesome it would be. I tell you now, that that is what I want for myself, for all of us. If I don't get another opportunity to say another thing, I hope this will settle in your hearts and move you to do great things for those that you cherish. Luv you right where you are at my friends, but too much to let you stay there! Sandi[9:27AM]

Hands on My Face 6/07

07-MAY-13

I wrote this during a period in which my late husband had taken my sweet daughter to Ft. Lauderdale for hyperbaric treatment for her brain injury. I was a very quiet morning in June of 07.

Sometimes a thought or a feeling will urge me to sit down and try to describe it in words, but usually something else will burst in and take away that urgency and it is lost only to find a permanent place in that corner of my mind called "things I regret." Now at this moment I find myself with another opportunity to somehow find permanence to what I have been gifted with and I am going to give in to the moment and take the time to give it a body so to say.

As my faith has evolved and my walk with Christ has shaped my "maturity," I have always found that when reflecting on what I think it would be like to be in the presence of Jesus, my mind, my whole being seems to warm and I must pause to let myself experience the emotions and feelings. Not just emotional, but physical. My ability to describe the experience in words is going to give you only a pale comparison to how true and deep I experience this. I guess that is why I have such a difficult time getting to a place both physically and mentally to put it on paper. I also firmly believe that dark forces have always been able to put into place obstacles to inhibit the creation that may somehow bring comfort and hope to others as well. I guess I am finally getting some "legs" under me and maybe, just maybe I will be blessed with prose that will do just that. By the way, I am not the author, just an instrument. My God, my real Father is responsible for everything good thing that comes from me. What a good and glorious day this is to have taken another step in His direction to allow him to give me the clarity to write this. Amen!

As I mentioned, when I take the time to pause and truly reflect what it will be like to be in the presence of the Lord in Heaven or how it feels to be truly comforted, the images that come to my mind are of stepping into the folds of two strong, warm arms clothed in white. I am a child falling into the safest of all places, being embraced and held for that "30 second hug.’ The purest love flowing from His embrace instantly removing all physical discomfort and pain -- immediately taking over me. All the hurts and disappointments that have kept me from being the content child He meant and longed for me to be are gone. What an amazing feeling of freedom. There have been moments in my life where I have experienced unconditional love, but they will never compare to how deep and true God’s love is for me during that moment. I am treasured and wanted beyond anything else.

Often during those moments when I worship, I will experience a physical type of worship that is reciprocated, feeling the Lords hands on my face. It draws my gaze upward and I am transformed into a little child for the moment. The physical act of placing one’s hands on either side of another’s face is an extremely intimate act that is rarely seen or experienced. We will sometimes do that to our special needs children to gain their undivided attention, but I almost never see it in our human world done for the express purpose of saying you are loved and adored over anything else. Long ago, when my daughter Brenna was just a toddler she would do that and say "I dooooooo" which was her response to me after a warm hug from me telling her how much I love her. Since she is now silent in her ability to communicate verbally and has not had the ability to use her arms for over 10 years, I ache for those memories and will treasure those pure-love expressions until the day she is able to reciprocate all of the "I doooooos" she receives from me in the meantime.

During those times when I can feel the warmth of my Father’s hands on my face, they are so warm, so gentle, yet they are big, encompassing the entire sides of my face. I want to immediately just give into it, laying my head to one side to allow myself to feel the strength there supporting me, giving me such unconditional love. This morning I have been blessed with this comforting feeling for reasons I do not know, but will gladly receive. It has stayed with me as I have written this while the phone has been ringing and dogs barking. Hunter has been blessedly asleep in the other room and has only stirred once or twice. Allowing my mind to focus and truly experience this wonderful lingering experience has been such a gift today and I guess the only way that I can truly honor our Father is to share my thoughts and feelings those around me. I am such a flawed and fragmented human. Finding quiet time is so rare for me. If given more than 10 minutes without a task at hand would find me unconscious if the seating conditions are right. I pray and commune with our Father "on the fly" most of the time. I am so grateful for those times I can be with him for more than a brief pause. I love you God and am so thankful I am one of yours, I am so thankful you can intervene in my life even when I do not ask for it and give me just what I need and more.

Webs

02-MAY-13

Sassism: Taking a moment after lunch to think, to pray, to thank. Trying not to dwell too much on my small minded plan, but God's plan. I can't help but marvel at the intricate web of our existence...how singular we try make ourselves, but we really are connected, our triumphs, our struggles, our joys and sorrows all flowing, connecting working their way to creating a much bigger enmeshed design. No matter how isolated we may think we are, God has us, even if its by a thread. Know that I am thinking of you, praying for you, cheering you on and so proud to be a part of your life no matter how small it may be. I love you. Selah

Thank You

29-APR-13

Sassism: Being brave enough to expose the weaker parts of who I am is not an easy thing to do, but in doing so I have found prayer and love from those who love me just as I am and too much to let me stay there...being prideful and stoic during times of loneliness and sorrow is my first knee jerk reaction, but does nothing to move me along through it to a better place....thank you God for the gift of expression, the courage to share it-good or bad, and the brothers and sisters who are compassionate and kind to me. Continue to help me make it present to those around me who are as human as I. Selah

Ponderings X 2

26-APR-13

Sassism: Take a minute to think about all that took place in the span of 24 hours to make today be today...are those happy thoughts, were you blessed? Or are you thinking of the negative things? And if you are dwelling on the negative things, are you doing so with a hopeful heart, perhaps pondering what you learned that will make you a better person? What can you do to rectify it with a better perspective?...You see, we do indeed have a lot of control over our destiny after all...God is indeed good. Selah

Sassism: Affirmation brings inspiration, and inspiration brings about purpose which then brings esteem that leads to action which results in blessings and that, my friends, is what coming full circle is all about. There are many circles to move in throughout your life...I choose this one. Be blessed. Selah

Alterations

23-APR-13

Alterations

by Sandi Finck (Notes) on Saturday, September 5, 2009 at 10:41pm

Being of petite or short stature, I find myself in the pigmy section of the department stores on most of my shopping excursions. Most of the time I can find something that suits my taste, but there are times I am longingly gazing across the aisle at some stylish item in the misses department. Most of you know that the misses department has a huge selection of apparel specifically for women who are in the 5'6" height range wearing a two inch heel. I have to say that about 90% of these items do not work for my vertically challenged, chunky frame. Tailored looks with clever stitching are most flattering if you must know. Unfortunately, petite departments can be quite limited and even there most pants still need altering. But I am optimistic so I'll mosey (sp?) on over and see if my size is there and if it is....maybe just maybe I can get away without having to make alterations. You can forget about the pants and jeans....I have a 26 inch inseam. I know you are snickering so stop it right now.....capris for the average height can just about do it as pants for me on occasion. Some knit tops do nicely, but the more fitted items like jackets, pants and such require the skills of a seamstress and can cost as much as I paid for the item being altered.

So why am I telling you my woefull tales of clothes shopping and my quest for a good fit? I'll do my best to convey something that has been rattling around in my head for a while now.

While we journey through life on this earth it seems in many cases that we try to alter Christ to fit our lives. Our quest for that "good fit" or level of "comfort." The worldly mindset is that we are the center of the universe and that everything is to revolve around us, making our lives effortless, seamless. We become indignant when things don't go along with our plan. Oh we like the idea of living a Christ centered life, the fabric is of the finest quality, those that wear it, wear it well. We want that. So we put it on and wear it proudly, but after a while, something changes and it feels a little "confining." Too restrictive. It needs to be "let out" to give us some wiggle room. When we get that wiggle room we find that we become hot and uncomfortable so we cut some more to better fit our lives. A nip here, a tuck there.....After all these changes, what we ultimately get is not a garment that represents a Godly life, but a tattered, threadbare costume that no longer resembles anything Christ-like. What we should have been doing is altering our lives to fit Christ. Remember a long time ago there were those who tried to change Jesus to fit their lives while he was with us. So much so that they cut him, beat him, put him on a cross and killed him because he made them uncomfortable. But he never waivered. He was God's Son, made of the very finest fabric. He was, is and will be. They couldn't change him to fit their lives then and we can't now. We must alter ourselves to become like Christ. Making those alterations can be very difficult. For some it involves giving up old habits, friends and addictions that we found sinful pleasure in. It could be changing careers, stepping out in faith, serving where we have never served before. It involves shrugging off the world, giving up your limited understanding and resting on His Word. It means you may be persecuted for your faith in Him. So are you ready to make that first cut?

Fresh Eyes

19-APR-13

Sassism: Have you ever noticed the eyes of a child? Just try this with me..close your eyes and bring to your mind an image of a sweet child you know and picture their face in your mind. Now relax your own face completely, open your eyes and lift your eyelids to make your eyes open bigger, keeping your face, your cheeks relaxed...allow your shoulders to relax as well and just look.....give yourself a minute to just take in your surroundings absorbing the things you see, allowing yourself to hear what is around you. Do you see the facial expressions of the people around you? Can you see and sense their body language? Are they happy? Are they arguing? Are you listening to them talking? Is the radio playing in the background? Pretend your mind is new, without cynicism, doubt, fear, sarcasm, hate, sadness & mistrust.

If you are not in denial of your own role in contributing the above to a child, well then you are getting where I am going with this...if you think this is a bunch of nonsense..well, keep reading anyway, it may hit you upside the head one day.

We think our children are primarily pre-occupied with play and don't take in their surroundings so we unconsciously subject them to our own strife, our struggles, the darker side of ourselves. I know we cannot completely shield our children from the things of this world, but we can and should be more aware of their taking in EVERYTHING..that is what their little minds are made for, its what they do, their primary function as children.

Over the years, the beautiful open expression, the look of reception and eagerness to take it in will eventually change. Those beautiful eyes will become guarded to shield the soul from things that hurt, disappoint & betray. Eyelids will come down, facial muscles will tighten and they will look away, or worse yet, look down. Their receptive body language will draw up, shoulders drawing in and as this is happening on the exterior, can you imagine what is going on inside, whats transpiring within their very little minds, their souls?
Eventually it will come back to be displayed in their actions.

Every unkind word you speak, every unresolved fight, every hurtful stare, every time you do not act in what is right is being absorbed by innocents in your path. A heavy responsibility I have often failed at myself. I am not writing this to make you feel less, I am writing this to remind you that you are more than what you have settled for and you are a powerful presence in the lives of the young within your own circle of life. It's never too late to do what is right, what is Godly. Selah

Salty Tears and Sweet Tea

18-APR-13

I wrote this about 5 months after the death of my late husband...he was on this third mission trip to Zambia and came down with a kidney stone...on the way to the hospital 7 Hours away in Lusaka, the truck he was lying in the back of hit a concrete mile marker and flipped. He died instantly.

Salty Tears and Sweet Tea

by Sass (Notes) on Thursday, January 27, 2011 at 6:52pm

Found a scrap book today....

the pictures had already begun to fade

it was made for you by our oldest

I guess it was for your birthday

the sweet faces of the babies we made

of you holding them..just took my breath away

I know you're in God's best of best places

he called you home unexpectedly

I see you in their precious faces

through my salty tears and sweet tea

It's been so hard to let you go

when we never said goodbye

so strange now to be all alone

how can six months just fly

I know you're in Gods best of best places

he called you home unexpectedly

I see you in their precious faces

salty tears in my sweet tea

Content to let this go....

07-APR-13

I am the woman you pass on the street, thankful that my life isn't yours. My reality appears to some as too much to bear, not measuring up to the worldly standards and ideals that many have bought into. I am a woman of faith, Financially secure and has more love in her heart than you can handle, but the picture I paint is not up to standard. My depth is too deep. I couldn't pretend to be shallow if you handed me a million bucks. I was hoping that possibly there would be a real man of character, strength and integrity, that could appreciate my openness, me and all that has brought me to this point, but alas this seems to have been just my ideal. It is time for me to let this go and allow God to do this, for you, after all, are just a man.

Who I Am To Me

16-APR-13

This was written in 2/2010.

Who I am to Me

Inner voices either wreak havoc or joy to the soul
which reflects in the eyes of its beholder
for all the world to see
Try to fool the world with false bravado
but the sensitive ones can tell

who I am to me

Oh I get it, I hear it, and I want it
but I can't seem to own it and make it so
is this a lack of surrender I wonder
I don't even know what the payoff is
maybe mortal melancholy?
who I am to me

He knows who I am, what I've not become, what I've undone
but He loves me anyway
even who I am to me

Sassism ~ Allowance

16-APR-13

It's amazing how things dawn on me and when they do. I'm in a serious hugging session with Brenna this morning and intentionally am shooting for a full 30 second hug and about half way through, I feel her acceptance of it..allowing the love I wanted to convey to enter...how often are we that focused to feel that from the other we are loving on? When Brenna was injured, you could only tell periods of wakefulness, pain, or sleep by her heart rate....her little face didn't show any emotion in the beginning, but when it did, the first one was of negative expression. Obviously. It wasn't until almost 6 months later after we brought her home from Kluge that she smiled.
What a day that was.

I then realized that I, myself, due to the things that have occurred in my life, have had one major feeling dominating my life inhibiting my ability to "allow" other feelings to emerge. Survival. Heaven knows how much cortisol and adrenaline my body has churned out over the years drowning so many other emotions. I had head knowledge from previous, healthier, happier times that they were there, but didn't give them their due. I have a lot of catching up to do. So, I know this is a bit raw, but I had to get it out because I honestly trust that God doesn't lead my thinking to these places unless I am to move in a better direction and if I'm going into uncharted waters, I am taking a few of you with me. So let's consciously allow ourselves to feel today. Selah

Speed Bumps

13-APR-13

Sassism: Surprised sweetly by a phone call from my most favorite oldest daughter this morning. Catching up with each other, I feel my arms aching for one of her amazing embraces. I swear that girl radiates sunshine, even through the phone.

We were talking about some bumps in the road of marriage that she and her hubby were experiencing. When I get those calls, I try very hard to be a Godly influence (ya'll know the fence I tight rope walk on), its hard being impartial as her mama at times, but I think the Lord has my back. What I shared with her this morning I think is worth repeating in this Sassism.

We do each other a disservice when we give the ones closest to us our reactions instead of our responses. In most cases, those reactions are our knee jerk thoughts that come flying out without the benefit of a few speed bumps that God should have strategically placed in our mouths. And what winds up happening is our responses (which aren't usually far behind those reactions) never get voiced because we have stubbornly pledged allegiance to those reactions due to our pride and they never make it out of our mouths.

Those that we love deserve that pause, that couple of seconds that can either make or break the moment. Oh, and those moments add up to either a strong foundation of trust, respect and love, or they eventually erode away that trust, respect and love to the point of no return.

An intimate relationship doesn't mean "no holds barred" in all areas. Yes, you want to be able to be transparent and candid with the ones you swore to love and protect, but there is also a responsibility of self control over your own sinful nature that should not be unleashed upon each other. We have an obligation to protect, not just from others, but from ourselves, giving our best to those we love, instead of giving our worst. Many can already attest that a wedding ring is not a guaranty that they are going to endure it but for only so long.

You held each other up over the rest..so much so that you took the step to bind your heart to each other before God til the end of time. So you should be treating each other likewise until the end of time. .....Selah

Roommate

21-MAR-13

I am very transparent with my life to others and it might seem to come across effortlessly, but indeed it has not and not willingly a lot of the time. This is because I am not alone with my own thoughts. Haven't been for a while. You see, the Holy Spirit moved in some 16 years ago and has permanently set up household. Sorta follows me around in my head and my heart like a Jiminy Cricket, if you will. Tugging, poking and pulling on me to do what is right instead of what I feel. As I have matured in my life, in my faith, I have listened to him more, but not always.

Some of you are of privy to my history as I have spoken about it publicly, but there are others who know only what I've posted here. So I will give you a brief run through: Alcoholic father, apathetic mother, sexual abuse, drug use, promiscuity, car crash, Jesus, widowhood, loneliness. I think I covered 48 years rather nicely and efficiently. Not the stuff fairy tales are made of to be sure. But in the middle of it is most important. Jesus. With Him, I've been able to overcome a lot of negative, sad, feelings and I am still overcoming other things since He came into my life. My life didn't get all rosy from the point I made the decision to have a relationship with Christ. There were still other sad things, and I am arming myself for experiences yet to come. If you didn't know it yet, this is how life is on this planet.

So why the rehash? Well, you know how it is when you read something once and you get a certain perspective on it, but then you revisit it again at a later point and get an entirely different perspective and a new meaning? Sorta like scripture? (Oh I have to say I do love how His word is indeed living and breathing like that). Well its like that. A conversation with someone, or a new life event will have me rolling back through old memory lane and I will have a different perspective from my past to apply to my future. I've learned instead of shoving the unpleasant, and sometimes down right awful things of my past, its in my best interest, or the interest of someone else to revisit those places. I have a responsibility as a Believer to be reaching out, not only to those immediately in my life, but to everyone, to give the best I have to give.

I'm wrestling with things now, very personal things that are on a deeper level that I've never quite understood, but am now aware of..its like having a splinter deep under the skin, its there and its been there for a long time, but you didn't know it until you stepped a certain way. You know its got to come out, and it's trying to make its way out. You try to ignore it, walking a bit differently so as not to disturb it, upsetting your balance, your normal gait...until other things begin to hurt and suffer since you've changed the alignment of your life..keeping you from being and doing your best. Its going to eventually make its way out, but there may be infection now, spreading into your life. You finally realize you have to go after it..not relishing the idea that you may have to dig, bleed and cut to rid yourself of it. Oh, and then there may be a scar when its all done. But the relief, the deep cleansing breath you will take once its out will be amazing. Then the healing begins.

As long as we have others in our lives..those that are under our care, bound to us by vows, we have a responsibility to be the best we can be, to take the time and do the work to right the things in our lives instead of thrusting it upon them expecting them to deal with it. I think its time you cleaned out some space in your soul for your very own permanent house guest Jiminy Cricket aka Jesus Christ. Selah

Confessions of This Sinner 2009

12-MAR-13

There will come the day when we stand before our God and I mean it when I say “Our God” because whether you are a believer or not, He created you and you belong to him. Now what He does with us on Judgment Day depends on whether we are believers or not. I am eternally thankful that I am; knowing I will be tucked away nice and neat in his pocket and not kicked out of Heaven only having received the privilege of a 25 cent tour.

So, even though I may undeservedly qualify to spend my eternity with the Most High, I will still have to answer for sins not confessed while walking on the earth and I know I will have toasty buns when He’s through with me. When I go to the Lord in prayer I ask him to help me remember past sins that I’ve either forgotten, or buried deep down or because of my ignorance and pride, refuse to acknowledge them as mine.

I remember a period in my life when I was about 13 when I was keeping company with a couple of girlfriends and we discovered the art of shoplifting. Now what on earth could a thirteen year old possibly need bad enough to steal? Make-up, perfume, candy, anything that would fit in the deep pockets of my big sisters tan trench coat. Yup, we’d casually stroll into the local Dart Drug having laid out our “plan” and go in together, split up, meet at the end caps and they would fill my pockets with treasures that we would either use, consume or fence to our friends at school. I think this lasted about a month until Mr. Store detective nabbed us one chilly afternoon.

Being that I was the one with all the booty on my “booty” the others were let go and I was remanded into the back store room to wait for my mom or dad to come get me. My mom didn’t drive so she had to walk a good mile or so to claim her juvenile delinquent. My father was at work at the time working the second shift at the prison in Lorton.

There is no way I can describe that horrible, sickening feeling I felt that day and many days after. Mom was furious, embarrassed and probably a little worried what my father was going to do to me when he found out. I probably tried to give them the rebellious teenage “I don’t care” attitude but I don’t remember anything except that awful feeling. I knew I was wrong, I was deeply ashamed, embarrassed, scared, and mad (that the other 2 got away). The walk home from the Dart Drug was a long, agonizing walk and Mom would burst out every couple hundred feet with some expletive or “your father’s gonna kill you.” I guess by now you have a good idea that I resided in “dysfunction junction”.

Once we made it home I was sent to my room to wait for my dad to get home. I remember lying on the bottom bunk staring up at the top bunk’s steel springs, counting the squares, crying. I felt like a death row inmate waiting for the electric chair to warm up. At midnight I heard the front door open up and the familiar sound of my dad’s heavy black work shoes on the landing and the jingle of keys and coins in his pocket. He headed down stairs, I heard my mom and him talking, voices rising and then quieting again. I thought surely he was going to come up and jerk me out of bed and give me the beating of my life. I knew I deserved it, but I dreaded it. Nothing…..about 10 minutes went by and my mom called me downstairs. I thought at least I won’t have to suffer the embarrassment of getting my butt beat in front of my sisters and brother in the hallway upstairs. I made my way downstairs and my dad was sitting at end of the table on where he always sat. We had a table and chairs set that would have made the cast of That Seventies Show envious. A hideous brown laminate table with tan metal legs and vinyl chairs that squeaked. So dad was sitting there, his shoes off, his belt unbuckled, in his semi –dingy v-neck t-shirt (gray work shirt was already draped over the door in the family room), a True Blue cig smoldering in the ashtray by his left hand and a glass of sweet tea to his right. His red solitare deck of cards in front of him. A very familiar scene under very unfamiliar circumstances. And thankfully, he was sober.
I don’t remember exactly word for word what he said to me, but I remember him telling me that he was disappointed beyond words, that even though we didn’t have much, we had enough and if I had to steal, he’d hold them off with his shot gun because he loved me that much. There was no physical punishment that night. Oh, how I wished there was. Looking into to my dad’s face seeing the disappointment and hurt, the silence that followed the days after, not being squeezed by his hugs and having my face tickled by his horrendous handle-bar moustache kisses was far worse than a beating. At least a beating had a beginning and an end. Being excluded from his affection and presence was a punishment I had never considered would be a significant consequence. As a teen it was my single goal to be as far from my parents as possible. Even though my home was fractured and dysfunctional on a good day, I knew they loved me. Eventually I was forgiven and life continued as before.

The consequences of that criminal folly rippled far and wide for a long time. I had to go to a probation officer for a while, my mom had to secure a ride for both of us to and from. The embarrassment to my family, the inconvenience to my mom each week, the shame and humiliation to myself, I had a record until I was 18. All for a little Revlon, L’Oreal and gum.

I’m not going to tell you that my life was forever changed and I turned a new leaf and became a model citizen, because I certainly pushed the boundaries in other areas like promiscuity, drug and alcohol use, lying. It didn’t sink in until was older and became a believer what the consequences cost me. I remember when I was about 18, I was in my 77 Plymouth Fury Sport (a.k.a. the “Banana Boat”) sitting behind the wheel in front of a 7-11. The convenience store had glass across the entire front of the store so I had no problem seeing a boy loading up his pockets with candy. Those feelings came back and my heart hurt, thinking of what I went through, what my parents went through. It all came back very fresh—too fresh. I jumped out of my car and went into the store and calmly told him to put the stuff back. The shock on his face, his eyes never left mine as he pulled his loot out and threw it on the shelf. He ran out of the store not once looking back. The store clerk looked at me puzzled, but then realizing what had transpired, gave me a nod and went back to ringing up another customer. I got back in my car hoping I scared the crap out of him along with the urge to steal.

I just had to.

10-MAR-13

This came to me so quickly, I had to pause today and get it out before it slipped by me. I tend to get over busy and lose these little nuggets. Please forgive me for over-blogging.

Sassism: Dreams..our dreams are the fuel for moving forward in this journey and its so gratifying to see them fulfilled. But, there are some that get away from us, seem to get deferred, lost and abandoned and that becomes regret to many that have not made peace with their passing. Then, along comes these wonderful people in our lives that we invest ourselves in (some of which are our dreams realized), and fall in love with, and suddenly their dreams become our dreams and we come alongside them to become a part of their dreams.....isn't this just a wonderful thing? What we thought we had been robbed of has so quietly become not so terribly important to us any longer, especially when we realize they wouldn't have been nearly as satisfying without the sweet people we have fallen in love with at present. Yep, now that's a sweet dream come true. Selah

This is My Life...A song I wrote

09-MAR-13

This Is My Life (Song Idea)

by on Saturday, July 23, 2011 at 10:05am ·

Some towel snappin

dish washin splashin

kids & dogs over which we're trippin

just being sassy and smart lippin

This is the life, yeah, this is my life

how could I have been so blessed

to be in such a big sweet mess

to have you by my side

couldn't ask for a better ride

this is the life, yeah, this is my life

A little kitchen dancin,

Some Monday romancin

laundry room lovin and

back porch huggin

This is the life, yeah, this is my life

I'll take it any old day

as long as you're in my way

holdin my hand

way past the old and the gray

this is the life, oh this is my life

What a wonderful life

Hey You...

08-MAR-13

I, yes me, am tangible, real.. and I want you to know that I want to inspire you, want to help you see that you are a gift that has so much to offer this world..you are cherished and loved just as you are...don't let anyone or anything sway you to think otherwise...If I, yes me, tangible, real me, can offer this to you, can you imagine how our Dad in Heaven feels about you? Own it, become it and then share it.

Luv, Sass

Bits & Pieces....a work in progress

05-MAR-13

The sound of knocking on my bedroom window at an impossible hour in the dark morning had me throwing back the covers and stumbling to the opposite side of the room toward the curtained window. Although I'm far from alert, it didn't take me but a second to put on the cloak of agitation...thinking of something nasty to say to my Manda-B for locking herself out of the house while letting her beloved Lucy for a pre-dawn a pre-dawn constitutional. This had happened before. As I pulled back curtains, the surprise of not seeing Manda, but my friends Rick and his wife Christine looking at me immediately sent a weight of dread and disbelief through my entire being. I half ran and staggered to my front door, unbolted the locks and somehow actually remember the words Rick spoke to me while were standing the entry of the front door that seldom, if ever was used. "On the way to the hospital.........accident..........flipped over..........Bob..........in the back.........thrown .......... Bob...........was................killed." I heard every dot, dot, dot in between, every pause in Rick's voice, saw the tears in Christine's eyes. I think of that every time I spend more than a minute in that part of the house.

The night before, many phone calls, facebook status updates went out asking for prayer for Bob as he had been struck with what appeared to be a kidney stone while on his third mission trip to Zambia, the loving efforts to help him there at the village by the team were in vain and the pain was so severe, unable to relieve himself, advanced to a critical point and he, Tim and Melissa embarked on a 7 hour ride to the hospital in Lusaka.....I remember posting a status update asking for prayers, verbally giving Bob to God for there was nothing I could do thousands of miles away....little did I know that I was literally giving my husband to God that night..

"Whuh?, What? WHAT?! WHAT!!!" I kept repeating that over and over as I backed up into the living room....I remember being held, what?.....How?........a blur of things came out of my mouth, were running through my mind....I felt like that silver ball inside of a pinball machine....things, me, thoughts were bouncing around so fast...."How am I going to tell my sweet kids? How am I going to tell his mom?" "Really?......Really? Is this really happening?....of course this is happening..........I remember sitting down......no clue how long I sat there........I think I called his mom first.....the words came out somehow and all I remember his mother saying......"oh Bobby......my Bobby........oh Sass........my Bobby".....it almost sounded like mewing from a kitten....

Repurposed

28-FEB-13

Repurposed

One Saturday evening I was indulging myself in a little HGTV. I was watching a program called “Color Splash” and the host David Bromstead was transforming a couple’s bedroom into a “get-away to the beach.” I love how everyone is so hooked on getting that “spa-like” feel . I could care less about that “spa-like” “beachy cottage” whatever thing going on in my bedroom. These days my main objective is to get unconscious as quickly as possible. Okay, okay—getting back to the reason I am writing this….good old David Bromstead has redesigned this couple’s boring bedroom into a “retreat” that will undoubtedly bring tears to the wife’s eyes and make their lives soooooooooo much better. He’s even gone “green” and made a rather fantastic headboard for their bed using old doors. Thus, giving it a “Martha’s Vineyard vaca” vibe. I loved it. The new terminology he used for this coup de grace was “repurpose”. In my day we used to say recycle, but apparently that is not good enough to use in the home design world. So David “repurposed” these old doors which he purchased from a salvage yard. Putting some sort of coating over the old paint to ensure the folks didn’t get lead poisoning (Sp) and sue the stars out of HGTV was accomplished somewhere between commercials.

Long after Color Splash, House Hunters, and some other show that reminds me of all the unfinished projects I have at home, the word “repurpose” is still in the back of my mind. I’ve gotten smart enough to know when our God is prodding me to into action and the word repurpose has significance to me in the way the Lord wants me to try to explain how our lives are to be repurposed……

This is how I see it…..in the beginning of someone’s life I can just imagine our Master Creator sitting at his workbench holding in the palm of his hand a new creation…you….you are a shining, glowing little light and He is turning his hand this way and that marveling at how precious, how wonderful you are. He’s thinking about all the plans He has for you, the joy you are going to bring to the world. He has given you a name you don’t even know. He knows what you will do, won’t do, what you will say and what you will not say. He knows you will break his heart, but He loves you anyway with an unending love……………..poof, zap……swish….I don’t know what happens, but somehow you are inside your mother’s womb. Your existence on earth has begun and dark forces are all too aware of it and it is their mission to divert your path from the one our Lord has set forth. You see, you were sent to be here on this earth to be something greater than you will ever imagine you are here with a Divine Purpose and you are not even aware of it….you sense it…..but the world will make you forget it…..Satan will trip you up along this journey…

Take the Apostle Paul for instance, or should I say “Saul.” He was given the name Saul by his earthly parents, but repurposed and renamed Paul by our God. He got here the same way as all of us do……but through his journey, he became a monster of a man who hated, killed and stole. This definitely was not God’s plan for Saul/Paul. He knew the paths Saul would choose, his heart breaking, but God being God, took nasty, loser Saul and repurposed his life….he was still the same person, but he had a new job, a new direction, a new life. What should have been his fate, death and destruction was now a transformed being who is now consorting with the other Saints in Heaven for all eternity. I’m sure Paul looked pretty much the same and it must have been pretty interesting to see him explain himself to his old buddies that he was indeed a new creation, repurposed for God’s Glory. Just like the old doors that were “salvaged,” Paul’s hell-bent life was salvaged as well. He still looked the same probably had the same childhood scars, same physical features, but now he was on God’s team, doing great things in His name. The lives he touched then and now are countless…..

So why do we lament and whine and complain about not having a “purpose” in life? Oh my friend, you’ve always had a purpose a Divine Purpose. It’s always been there and it will always be. Our Great Dad in Heaven will take you at any point in your life and use it……..because we think we are are supposed to be “large and in charge” we think we are the masters of our destiny. We are supposed to make our “mark” on the world…..how’s that workin for ya? I’ll be the first to say that I am famous for trying to run on my own steam and even now as a Believer I am constantly taking my life back because somehow I think I’ve got a handle on things and God’s way is somehow not good enough, but inevitably I screw things up so bad I wind up on my knees giving Him back the mess I’ve made-like a broken toy, pieces spilling out of my hands onto the foot of the Cross. And you know what, He takes it back, puts it back together with His amazing God Glue and points me in the right direction again and again. He knows I’ll be back, maybe it won’t be as badly broken or maybe worse. It won’t work the same, my life won’t look the same, but He will use it. He will repurpose it for His Glory. It is finally beginning to sink in that it was never mine in the first place. So are you ready to be repurposed? He is there waiting for you and he loves you with an everlasting love and would love to take the broken, stained, dirty life you have made and give you back a repurposed glory-filled life. Selah

Tears

02-MAR-13

Sassism: An overflow of emotion from the soul; either from joy, sorrow, pain and yes, even anger. The expression of tears from one's eyes "the windows of the soul", alert others to our need for human intervention, hence the 30 second hug. Withholding and/or suppressing these jewels of expression can lead to internal strife. It is highly recommended to allow them to flow freely and among trusted friends that will catch them for you. Selah

The Climb

01-MAR-13

Sassism: If you feel you are in the darkest place, too far for human hands to reach, it's a good possibility that God has allowed you to be there for a little one on one time. I am finding that when I give up on my useless efforts to change my situ, let go of the notion that others can rectify my current condition, when I finally just let myself be in the presence of God and have that "talk," it is then that the light reaches me in that pit and my strength is slowly restored to start the climb out. With me, it doesn't work in the way of being pulled out and set on solid ground. Oh no, He knows I must learn a little at a time, while I am reaching up, looking for solid footing, grasping crags and crevices. The slow climb is a sort of lesson in muscle memory, the repetitive pulling, stretching, slipping, redirecting and pushing is forever engrained in my soul to be drawn from when I do at last reach the sunlight. Perhaps for such a time as right now to be shared with you. Our God is with us and he indeed does know our struggle and knows the journey we must travel in order to attain the most benefit, to draw us closer to him. Selah

The Anatomy of a Scar

28-FEB-13

The Anatomy of a Scar~Almost all of us have one or more of them..I can pretty much locate each one, tell its story, all the while touching it, feeling the interrupted landscape, its silvery color makes it noticeable to others as well. Oh I know there are creams and plastic surgery to lessen its appearance, but you cannot completely eradicate it..even the scars that are unseen are forever there within ourselves. The places where we are hurt, damaged & bleeding that bring forth that scar are reminders to all of us of that moment in time where we felt pain. The new skin is tougher, more resilient, more visible..showing the strength gained from that traumatic time.

I look at my hand and see a large scar from a burn I suffered when I was about eleven months old. I was learning how to walk. Being at my Grandmother's old house meant new adventures. I tottered over to her old iron stove and placed my hand on it...my mom said I abandoned my walking for several months after, associating that burn with it. But, as it healed, the raised skin forever there on my palm, I did return to my quest of walking, but now being more aware of my surroundings.

Your scars. What have you learned from your scars? Have you allowed the memory, the feel of them, the moment to teach you, redirect you, strengthen you? Are you trying to hide them, allowing them to keep you from resting on the lesson acquired to venture in another direction with wisdom and strength?

There is value in everything we experience, the good, the not so good and the down right awful. I hope the next time you evaluate your scars, both inside and out, you see them with new eyes. Selah

Bridge Building

28-FEB-13

2/2011

Being honest with myself is probably one of the hardest things for me right now. There are some mornings when I peel back the covers and almost believe my false bravado..."yeah I got this thing under control....I can do this....gonna be just fine...etc.." By these comments I'm referring to my newly acquired "singleness" and although its been 6 months since Bob went to Heaven, there seems to be a new spin on this new journey that makes me take a step back and have me scratching my head, holding on to my heart and at times clenching my fists, my jaw, any anything else within my grasp. Some schmuck out there says that grief is necessary....like I said some schmuck.

It think its been easier to let go of Bob than to our marriage. The idea of not knowing what the future holds for me, my kids, my family. I took for granted that we would just grow old together and continue to make each other crazy till the end of time...this feeling of being left out flappin in the wind is nothing I ever imagined would be a part of my life. Well, I am here and I am flappin in the wind at times.....my knee jerk reaction is to find someone to fill the hole and get on with life..so not fair to the poor man is it? No. I am beginning to understand that there has been given me an opportunity to fall in love again...and I certainly hope do, but for the right reasons...for his smile...his heart...the way he looks at me....his convictions, his faith. I want to fall in love as if I've never been in love before...is it even possible? Trying to separate myself from the last 25 years is impossible...how can it be done....or is it done? Heck, all I know for certain is that this has to be God directed. Taking into consideration all the obvious factors like my sweet kids, Bren's special needs, taking care of a home.....without the work of the great Creator of the Universe in my life, it will be impossible to be accomplished and successfully.

So what next....I was never guaranteed tomorrow when I was married to Bob and I'm still in that predicament...instead of standing at the end of a bridge that has been torn down staring at what I thought was my future, I am building a new bridge heading in a different direction, not looking ahead wondering where its going to lead me, but down at my hands working, the tools of prayer, patience and faith close at hand and feeling the encouragement of faithful friends cheering me on as I make a new way. And who knows, God willing, another set of hands may join mine to share in the toil of creating something beautiful on this life journey.

This Little Light of Mine

28-FEB-13

This little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine....

by Me on Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 11:05pm ·

What a sweet song....if we really took those lyrics seriously, took them to heart, maybe we'd realize that each one of us has been assigned a light by our Awesome Almighty Dad with orders to "let it shine." What have I done with my light? I know I put it somewhere.....ummmmm, its somewhere...no, not there, maybe over here.....oh well, I'll look for it later....gotta go to work, maybe later when I have more time, the laundry needs folding, fix supper, American Idol is on........oh forget it I'm just too tired to look for it now...............light? what light? I have a little light? I'm supposed to do what with it and for whom? Oh, its too late to let it shine....look at me now...I'm too old, its so complicated now, I mean no one's going to see it anyway.....

We never intended to lose our "little light." Believe it or not, its still there deep down under all the worldly clutter, self doubt, sorrow, busy ness and second guessing we've heaped upon it.....just take a few moments to collect yourself at the foot of the one who gave it to us in the first place and he'll show you where it is.........Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

Thanks Dad for my little light.........love Sass

Traffic Patterns & Jesus

28-FEB-13

As of late my predictable mornings have been disturbed and delayed by the ever changing traffic patterns on West Main Street in Salem. What would take me 5 min to accomplish to deposit my Hunter at the curb of his school now takes 8 minutes. The journey then continues to the high school to take sweet Brenna to her destination. Another 2 to 3 minutes has been graciously added to that previously swift jaunt as well. I don't mind it actually. Heck, I'm always late regardless of a traffic situation or my apparently newly self diagnosed ADD. Oh, and the wonderful news is that I get to bob and weave my way back again. Sorta like the challenge of an obstacle course. I've been known to some as "Betty Andretti."

But there are others I spy on this adventure, grimacing behind the windshield, brows furrowed and perhaps just a tad frustrated at the ever changing landscape of the traffic patterns. There is signage for the most part warning us in advance of the new traffic patten, but we really don't pay attention until we are right there at the spot negotiating new turns, avoiding, orange barrels and trying not to knock over those infamous bright orange traffic cones. Frowns digging just a little deeper into the faces of those who are perturbed that their path has been changed without their permission, delaying them from their destinations....holding them up from their appointed rounds.

Its funny how we plan our future "as the crow flies." A direct and very straight line from Point A to Point B. Rarely thinking of the possibility of changing traffic patterns. Extremely surprised when we have been detoured in another direction for a while, having to pause, stop and wait at times while we are on our way. Most of the time this grieves us and we sit there fuming, sometimes beating our fists on the steering wheel, perhaps letting a few not so pretty words escape our lips. Some start to frantically search around for another route, taking it as a personal affront that someone or something has interfered with their destiny. Blindly taking matters into their own hands jumping to back roads, alleys and other avenues not really caring that that its usually the same amount of time no matter what they do..just as long as they are in control of the situation.

My inspiration for this piece came as I was negotiating a tight turn from Dougherty to Main Street...a new traffic pattern that definitely required me to slow down so as to not take out a few traffic cones. There are quite a few of those silent, yet extremely bright fellows and I thought how they reminded me of people. Many in number, all over, in my path, some laying on their sides, some a little dirtier than others, some damaged, but very recognizable for what they were created to be. Admittedly, I have on occasion knocked a couple of those guys over, either in my ignorance, haste, just plain disregard because I was in a hurry to get to my future...funny how we chase the future and we never really catch it while we are barreling through our present unaware of those traffic cones. You know where I am going with this, but I'm going to spell it out in the way I always like to do it...Sass style.

Thinking that we have a clear and concise road map of our lives is a really sweet thing to think we have control over, but if you have a few stretchmarks, a mortgage and have paid taxes, you know that your well thought out plans have had a few new traffic patterns in there. Some can actually be welcome instantly gratifying surprises. Taking you a new route that was quicker, prettier & smoother than what you had intended originally, but most are bumpy, stop and go, fraught with pot holes, detours, flashing lights, fender benders, cracked windshields & frazzled nerves. Delaying you, costing you more than just a bit more than extra gas and time. And along the route some of those traffic cones are sacrificed as you plow over them trying to take charge of the situation. Nobody told you this was going to be a part of your journey. Nobody told you hold long you were going to have to endure this mess. For days, weeks, even years. You really have no idea how long its going to last at times, but what you do know is that you have to get through it.

So here you are in the midst of another traffic pattern, what are you going to do with all that anger, frustration and possibly even pain as you are sitting in traffic waiting to get on with your journey? Surrounded by orange traffic cones put there to guide you safely around the dangerous areas under construction. Gonna knock em over, curse them, ignore them. The extra time spent negotiating...are you going perhaps look at this as an opportunity to spend a little time with those passengers in the car, offering a kind word, getting to know each other better, or spend a little one on one time with Jesus. The pretty wild flowers on the shoulder of the road waving at you, the scent of honey suckle coming through the vents reminding you of a sweet moment long ago, the lyrics of a song on the radio catching your attention for the first time...unexpected blessings I think those are called...hmmmmm.

We are indeed in control of our destinies...that is the gift God has given us. He never said that the journey was going to be free of obstacles, delays, flashing lights, detours, barriers, etc. He did, however, promise to be there for us. Perhaps in the form of traffic cones.....gosh I kinda like those little guys. Selah

Breathe

28-FEB-13

The days have been so long

lonely nights lasting an eternity

wandering as if in a dream

such deep pain was my reality

and there he was on the edge of this haze

so warm and welcoming

he saw through the pain of my days

waiting, loving, and comforting

being held in your arms

while I'm letting him go

makes no sense to me

holding on to him so tight

because its here I can finally breathe

breathe

Ball Season

28-FEB-13

Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 9:31am ·

At this stage in my life and the lives of others who find themselves without a partner, best friend, lover the idea of starting off on a level playing field is rather unrealistic. I guess that's what my mindset has been until recently.... Now that I'm in this predicament as a single woman, I have to say that I thought "hey, sure life has been tough, sure I'm a single parent, yeah I've got this little grief issue figured out, sure I'm a single parent and a parent of a disabled child....no prob...just like riding a bike...dating...got it all figured out...." I could not have been farther from the truth.

The rules as a young woman and dating and the rules now that I'm who I am 20+ years later are much different...wisdom and my maturity in Jesus has impressed upon me the serious nature of this new adventure. Even if I had not been widowed, parented, and blessed with a special needs child, the rules would have been vastly different just because of the passing of time. The lush, level field of my youth is now a very different landscape. I'm having to consider each and every step, before I even take that step...I have to remember that there is no "I" in "TEAM," my team being myself, my faith, my children and the other "player."

The consideration of another's feelings before rushing headlong into the game really wasn't even a thought...if it felt good you just went after it...if you got out or got someone else out...it was all a part of the game...there were winners and there were losers and hopefully you were the one who was on the winning end. Not so now, winning isn't the end result I am so much concerned with as how I'm playing the game....and its not about playing anymore, its about participating in something with others, working together, strategy (faith) and finishing as a team not as just a single player.

There's practice, lots of it before you even think of donning the "uniform." There's training...probably the toughest part of all of this is that I need to listen to the Coach (Jesus), take notes, see His vision before I take off with my own skills, dreams and desires trying to win the game. Never thought I'd be put into the game at point in my life, but here I am. I feel optimistic about the outcome of the game, but its going to be full 9 innings...God willing.

That Woman..

28-FEB-13

Last night was another turning point for me...I took Brenna to a Christian rock concert, DecembeRadio. It was sure to be a good night. I spoke to many wonderful friends and stole a few hugs (I'm hug deficient). I felt a little self-conscious and a little alone. I guess after 25 years of being with someone, you rely on them for certain things and I'm no different. Yes, I am outgoing, no denying that, but I would rely on Bob as a foundation from which to spring from when I wanted to do something. It wasn't so much as getting his permission as it was an "I've got your back, go have fun, I'll be there when you are done" look. I would look over my shoulder and we would make eye contact and I would see that look in his eyes..it was almost always there for he wanted me to enjoy life to the fullest, and then I was off...letting loose, chasing after something, or someone, doing something silly. Well it's not there anymore and I felt a little out of sorts and a little bewildered for a bit. It took me a while to nail this down. I hope that someday I will have another wonderful man that I can communicate with just a look and it speak volumes to me again, but the present is such that I need to dig deeper into myself and my faith for that reassurance instead of retreating, withdrawing into myself.

After a bit Brenna and I made our way out of our seats and closer to the stage to have some fun...I'm sure some folks thought me crazy for taking her so close to the loud music, but my girl needs all the stimulation she can get! We danced, whooped and hollered, praising Jesus and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Being authentic and true to myself may seem like an easy thing when you are on the outside looking at me, but there's always been a hesitation, even if its slight.

Its sink or swim time....and I need to pursue transparency and authenticity in all aspects of my life..my faith, my parenting, my personal relationships, present and future. How on earth do people find the love of their lives pretending to be something they are not? I was guilty of this when Bob and I first met and we certainly had our share of problems to sort through because of not being authentic with each other. Thankfully, we figured it out and had a good marriage, but it could have been even better had we not wasted a lot of time. My faith has given me so much strength and comfort, but not permission to be me....or so I thought. A stereotypical "God fearing woman" is definitely not me....I used to think that I wasn't such a woman because I was not fitting into that stereotype...not even my big toe was getting in there lemme tell you. I thought I was supposed to be "serene" not "silly", "composed" not "out there", "peaceful", not "boisterous"...you get my drift..I was not made serene, composed or peaceful. I am silly, out there and boisterous and yes its all God's doing for His purposes.

So friends, family, what you see is what you get....I'm not holding back all the love I have for you, no matter how clumsily I put it at times, its time put myself out there. God gave me this personality, albeit it's a little rough around the edges at times. I feel confident that if I am prayerful and rely on His guidance, He's going to use me for all the right reasons and bless me with the most wonderful people and experiences...how could He not? Everything good comes from God...and everything bad will be easier to deal with. I don't just want this for me, I want this for you as well. Who are you? Am I seeing the real you. I am just Sass, there's no need to be anything but yourself...lets start being now who we think we are going to be in Heaven...

Since You Went Away

28-FEB-13

Where do I begin again

what can I say

my whole world is different

since you went away

I've felt the deepest sorrow

at first shock and disbelief

then came the loneliness

a new friend some call grief

If God thought I couldn't bear this loss

He'd surely take it all away

But His faith in me is far stronger

than even my darkest, worst day

Where do I begin agaiin

what can I say

my whole world is different

since you went away

I see a glimpse of His bigger plan

Feeling the fullness of His love

A new day is rising for my eyes to thankfully see

As you look down from above

So now I begin again

what can I say

my whole world is different

yes you went away

but I'm gonna be okay

yeah, I'm gonna be okay