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Posted on Thu, Feb 28, 2013 10:03

Last night was another turning point for me...I took Brenna to a Christian rock concert, DecembeRadio.  It was sure to be a good night.  I spoke to many wonderful friends and stole a few hugs (I'm hug deficient).  I felt a little self-conscious and a little alone.  I guess after 25 years of being with someone, you rely on them for certain things and I'm no different.  Yes, I am outgoing, no denying that, but I would rely on Bob as a foundation from which to spring from when I wanted to do something.  It wasn't so much as getting his permission as it was an "I've got your back, go have fun, I'll be there when you are done" look.   I would look over my shoulder and we would make eye contact and I would see that look in his eyes..it was almost always there for he wanted me to enjoy life to the fullest, and then I was off...letting loose, chasing after something, or someone, doing something silly.  Well it's not there anymore and I felt a little out of sorts and a little bewildered for a bit. It took me a while to nail this down.  I hope that someday I will have another wonderful man that I can communicate with just a look and it speak volumes to me again, but the present is such that I need to dig deeper into myself and my faith for that reassurance instead of retreating, withdrawing into myself.

 

After a bit Brenna and I made our way out of our seats and closer to the stage to have some fun...I'm sure some folks thought me crazy for taking her so close to the loud music, but my girl needs all the stimulation she can get!  We danced, whooped and hollered, praising Jesus and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Being authentic and true to myself may seem like an easy thing when you are on the outside looking at me, but there's always been a hesitation, even if its slight. 

 

Its sink or swim time....and I need to pursue transparency and authenticity in all aspects of my life..my faith, my parenting, my personal relationships, present and future.  How on earth do people find the love of their lives pretending to be something they are not?  I was guilty of this when Bob and I first met and we certainly had our share of problems to sort through because of not being authentic with each other.  Thankfully, we figured it out and had a good marriage, but it could have been even better had we not wasted a lot of time. My faith has given me so much strength and comfort, but not permission to be me....or so I thought.  A stereotypical "God fearing woman" is definitely not me....I used to think that I wasn't such a woman  because I was not fitting into that stereotype...not even my big toe was getting in there lemme tell you.   I thought I was supposed to be "serene" not "silly", "composed" not "out there", "peaceful", not "boisterous"...you get my drift..I was not made serene, composed or peaceful.  I am silly, out there and boisterous and yes its all God's doing for His purposes. 

 

So friends, family, what you see is what you get....I'm not holding back all the love I have for you, no matter how clumsily I put it at times, its time put myself out there.  God gave me this personality, albeit it's a little rough around the edges at times.  I feel confident that if I am prayerful and rely on His guidance, He's going to use me for all the right reasons and bless me with the most wonderful people and experiences...how could He not?  Everything good comes from God...and everything bad will be easier to deal with.  I don't just want this for me, I want this for you as well.  Who are you?  Am I seeing the real you.  I am just Sass, there's no need to be anything but yourself...lets start being now who we think we are going to be in Heaven...

 



Persnickityone

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