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total posts: 45
Posted on Thu, Feb 28, 2013 10:13

2/2011


Being honest with myself is probably one of the hardest things for me right now.  There are some mornings when I peel back the covers and almost believe my false bravado..."yeah I got this thing under control....I can do this....gonna be just fine...etc.."  By these comments I'm referring to my newly acquired "singleness"  and although its been 6 months since Bob went to Heaven, there seems to be a new spin on this new journey that makes me take a step back and have me scratching my head, holding on to my heart and at times clenching my fists, my jaw, any anything else within my grasp.  Some schmuck out there says that grief is necessary....like I said some schmuck.

It think its been easier to let go of Bob than to our marriage.  The idea of not knowing what the future holds for me, my kids, my family.  I took for granted that we would just grow old together and continue to make each other crazy till the end of time...this feeling of being left out flappin in the wind is nothing I ever imagined would be a part of my life. Well, I am here and I am flappin in the wind at times.....my knee jerk reaction is to find someone to fill the hole and get on with life..so not fair to the poor man is it?  No.  I am beginning to understand that there has been given me an opportunity to fall in love again...and I certainly hope do, but for the right reasons...for his smile...his heart...the way he looks at me....his convictions, his faith.  I want to fall in love as if I've never been in love before...is it even possible?  Trying to separate myself from the last 25 years is impossible...how can it be done....or is it done?  Heck, all I know for certain is that this has to be God directed. Taking into consideration all the obvious factors like my sweet kids, Bren's special needs, taking care of a home.....without the work of the great Creator of the Universe in my life, it will be impossible to be accomplished and successfully.

So what next....I was never guaranteed tomorrow when I was married to Bob and I'm still in that predicament...instead of standing at the end of a bridge that has been torn down staring at what I thought was my future, I am building a new bridge heading in a different direction, not looking ahead wondering where its going to lead me, but down at my hands working, the tools of prayer, patience and faith close at hand and feeling the encouragement of faithful friends cheering me on as I make a new way.  And who knows, God willing,  another set of hands may join mine to share in the toil of creating something beautiful on this life journey. 


 


 



Persnickityone

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