I was asked to post the following essay that I wrote about 30 years ago as a discussion topic. Open for discussion. *****************************************************
What are you looking for in a mate? Are you looking for the "right stuff"
My view:
People's assets, traits, and qualities can generally be categorized into three positive categories plus a negative category.
1. Those assets you were BORN WITH, and had nothing to do with: Such as beauty, intelligence, inherited wealth and family money, good genetic mental health, good genetic physical health, sexy looks, natural talents or abilities, charisma, inherited social position, etc. Some of these characteristics, such as good looks, money, etc. are often “flashy” and attract a lot of attention and admiration in most societies. However, this category of traits does not make you a “class act” by any means. Regardless of the items on this list, the key factor is that you had to do nothing to gain these assets.
2. Those assets you had to WORK FOR to obtain: Traits and accomplishments such as: education; interests, knowledge, wisdom, developed skills and abilities; accomplishments, personality, development as a whole and balanced person; common sense, sound philosophy of life, tolerance of others; trying to be good, trying to be a good parent or role model; admirable but realistic values; open and honest with yourself and others, knowing yourself; good work ethnic. They may have: wealth, success, pleasant personality, sociable, interesting, a good leader; have a balanced personality, sound goals, ideas, etc. They may recognize their special talents and try to improve their weaknesses; accept challenges in life, etc. Regardless of the components of the list, the key factor is that you had to work and expend effort to gain these assets.
3. Those assets that define your CHARACTER and the higher-level traits of a good human being: Such as: honesty, integrity, honor, compassion, kindness, flexible, understanding, responsible, affectionate, patient, tolerant, capable of love, stable, good morals, spiritual, dependable, easy going, mature, willingness to compromise, be slow to anger, help the less fortunate, and about 60 other higher level traits of a good human being.
These people usually are able to give love to people who deserve it, and sometimes to those that don’t. Their respect, love or affection cannot be bought with flowers, dinners, promises, status, position, wealth, being catered too, or any of the ways that people put a price on their selves.
4. NEGATIVE traits
A few are: drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, rage, unjustified anger, undependable, immature; unrealistic expectations; sensation seeking; emotionally cold and unfeeling, feeling they are “entitled”, being "self centered", and the lack of the many positive traits. Of utmost importance are the harmful personality disorders, which cover many negative behavior traits and bad behavior. It is important to understand that the sociopath and psychopaths of the world cause much more damage (often to millions or even nations) than the town drunk will ever cause.
In my humble opinion,
The third and fourth categories are the most important. We can appreciate the other categories
copyright 1980 permission granted for this post on MM
I was asked to post the following essay that I wrote about 30 years ago as a discussion topic. Open for discussion.
*****************************************************
What are you looking for in a mate? Are you looking for the "right stuff"
My view:
People's assets, traits, and qualities can generally be categorized into three positive categories plus a negative category.
1. Those assets you were BORN WITH, and had nothing to do with: Such as beauty, intelligence, inherited wealth and family money, good genetic mental health, good genetic physical health, sexy looks, natural talents or abilities, charisma, inherited social position, etc. Some of these characteristics, such as good looks, money, etc. are often “flashy” and attract a lot of attention and admiration in most societies. However, this category of traits does not make you a “class act” by any means. Regardless of the items on this list, the key factor is that you had to do nothing to gain these assets.
2. Those assets you had to WORK FOR to obtain: Traits and accomplishments such as: education; interests, knowledge, wisdom, developed skills and abilities; accomplishments, personality, development as a whole and balanced person; common sense, sound philosophy of life, tolerance of others; trying to be good, trying to be a good parent or role model; admirable but realistic values; open and honest with yourself and others, knowing yourself; good work ethnic. They may have: wealth, success, pleasant personality, sociable, interesting, a good leader; have a balanced personality, sound goals, ideas, etc. They may recognize their special talents and try to improve their weaknesses; accept challenges in life, etc. Regardless of the components of the list, the key factor is that you had to work and expend effort to gain these assets.
3. Those assets that define your CHARACTER and the higher-level traits of a good human being: Such as: honesty, integrity, honor, compassion, kindness, flexible, understanding, responsible, affectionate, patient, tolerant, capable of love, stable, good morals, spiritual, dependable, easy going, mature, willingness to compromise, be slow to anger, help the less fortunate, and about 60 other higher level traits of a good human being.
These people usually are able to give love to people who deserve it, and sometimes to those that don’t. Their respect, love or affection cannot be bought with flowers, dinners, promises, status, position, wealth, being catered too, or any of the ways that people put a price on their selves.
4. NEGATIVE traits
A few are: drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, rage, unjustified anger, undependable, immature; unrealistic expectations; sensation seeking; emotionally cold and unfeeling, feeling they are “entitled”, being "self centered", and the lack of the many positive traits. Of utmost importance are the harmful personality disorders, which cover many negative behavior traits and bad behavior. It is important to understand that the sociopath and psychopaths of the world cause much more damage (often to millions or even nations) than the town drunk will ever cause.
In my humble opinion,
The third and fourth categories are the most important. We can appreciate the other categories
copyright 1980
permission granted for this post on MM
The things I look most for in the people I surround myself with, be it friend or possible mate, would be...in order of importance to me...the things you list in #3 and 2. Things that are handed to you aren't necessarily assets. Okay, so good health is sought after by most of us, but that can be achieved by a healthy lifestyle. What makes a person attractive to me is who and what they are as an individual. Looks and wealth have nothing to do with that...what makes them stand out is the integrity and beauty that shines from within.
In my opinion, if a person can't take the time to get to know someone on a personal level... regardless of their looks or financial status...they're too shallow for me to waste my time on. I try not to judge the way others live their lives, their choices have nothing to do with what I'm looking for...nor will it influence the values I place upon what really matters (to me) in others.
Your question was. "What are you looking for in a mate". My answer would have to be the same things I look for in good friends...but with that magical spark that ignites a fire that can't be put out with the rain that falls in all of our every day lives.
wwww12345...
The things I look most for in the people I surround myself with, be it friend or possible mate, would be...in order of importance to me...the things you list in #3 and 2. Things that are handed to you aren't necessarily assets. Okay, so good health is sought after by most of us, but that can be achieved by a healthy lifestyle. What makes a person attractive to me is who and what they are as an individual. Looks and wealth have nothing to do with that...what makes them stand out is the integrity and beauty that shines from within.
In my opinion, if a person can't take the time to get to know someone on a personal level... regardless of their looks or financial status...they're too shallow for me to waste my time on. I try not to judge the way others live their lives, their choices have nothing to do with what I'm looking for...nor will it influence the values I place upon what really matters (to me) in others.
Your question was. "What are you looking for in a mate". My answer would have to be the same things I look for in good friends...but with that magical spark that ignites a fire that can't be put out with the rain that falls in all of our every day lives.
I am not sure what is happening on this blog but I am getting notices of comments but they don't seem to be posted.. Sorry about that.. @sundance .. I was in my early 30's when I first wrote this..
I am not sure what is happening on this blog but I am getting notices of comments but they don't seem to be posted.. Sorry about that..
@sundance .. I was in my early 30's when I first wrote this..
Enjoying this great discussion among all! Great incite regarding character, most people now a days have no idea what the word even means!
wwww12345, your Essay should be published and required reading in our schools! Wish I had it years ago when molding my girls characters; used "Character Sketches" instead while home schooling.
Curious2078, Outward beauty means nothing to a blind man, but he can feel, sense, touch, smell and even taste the depths of a persons character and soul!
Another great book: Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
By Babiak Paul, Hare Robert D. Regan Books 2007
Thank You All! Sammie
I have heard that is a great book, thanks for posting.
I certainly have known snakes in suits. They can do horrible amounts of damage. Enron comes to mind as a good example that most people know about, but there are thousands of unknown examples, at every level of management, in every industry. In fact, most probably don't even wear suits, they may just own a lawn service, etc.
Quoting Sammie1951:
Enjoying this great discussion among all! Great incite regarding character, most people now a days have no idea what the word even means!
wwww12345, your Essay should be published and required reading in our schools! Wish I had it years ago when molding my girls characters; used "Character Sketches" instead while home schooling.
Curious2078, Outward beauty means nothing to a blind man, but he can feel, sense, touch, smell and even taste the depths of a persons character and soul!
Another great book: Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
By Babiak Paul, Hare Robert D. Regan Books 2007
Thank You All! Sammie
I have heard that is a great book, thanks for posting.
I certainly have known snakes in suits. They can do horrible amounts of damage. Enron comes to mind as a good example that most people know about, but there are thousands of unknown examples, at every level of management, in every industry. In fact, most probably don't even wear suits, they may just own a lawn service, etc.
Hi Sammie! I used Character Sketches for my boys too, homeschooled a bunch as well. I'm stepping off this month as president of an independent program, just shy of 1k students, and need to be replaced. Curious?? Location, as you must know, is not an issue, lol. Message me.
Oh Yeah, major hijack...and welcome Sammie to our little home :)
Quoting Sammie1951:
Enjoying this great discussion among all! Great incite regarding character, most people now a days have no idea what the word even means!
wwww12345, your Essay should be published and required reading in our schools! Wish I had it years ago when molding my girls characters; used "Character Sketches" instead while home schooling.
Curious2078, Outward beauty means nothing to a blind man, but he can feel, sense, touch, smell and even taste the depths of a persons character and soul!
Another great book: Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
By Babiak Paul, Hare Robert D. Regan Books 2007
Thank You All! Sammie
Quoting Sammie1951:
Enjoying this great discussion among all! Great incite regarding character, most people now a days have no idea what the word even means!
wwww12345, your Essay should be published and required reading in our schools! Wish I had it years ago when molding my girls characters; used "Character Sketches" instead while home schooling.
Curious2078, Outward beauty means nothing to a blind man, but he can feel, sense, touch, smell and even taste the depths of a persons character and soul!
Another great book: Snakes in Suits: When Psychopaths Go to Work
By Babiak Paul, Hare Robert D. Regan Books 2007
Thank You All! Sammie
Hi Sammie! I used Character Sketches for my boys too, homeschooled a bunch as well. I'm stepping off this month as president of an independent program, just shy of 1k students, and need to be replaced. Curious?? Location, as you must know, is not an issue, lol. Message me.
Oh Yeah, major hijack...and welcome Sammie to our little home :)
Still no drawing. Hmmm. Have you tried sending it telepathically? That way it might just pass by the "monitor gods" so we could all see it. I'm most curious.
It is a scanned printed page. MM may have a size limitation, left over from the dark ages of dial up, but if they do, MM should at least have the courtesy to inform the poster of the problem.
And if they do have a size limitation, perhaps they should try to get out of the dark ages somehow. I have posted the drawing on other web sites with no problems at all.
Quoting Curious2078:
Still no drawing. Hmmm. Have you tried sending it telepathically? That way it might just pass by the "monitor gods" so we could all see it. I'm most curious.
It is a scanned printed page. MM may have a size limitation, left over from the dark ages of dial up, but if they do, MM should at least have the courtesy to inform the poster of the problem.
And if they do have a size limitation, perhaps they should try to get out of the dark ages somehow. I have posted the drawing on other web sites with no problems at all.
If you can't find it in a library, Amazon has softcover editions for next to nothing.
Quoting rmac22:
I have been trying to find WITHOUT CONSCIENCE in one of our libraries here in Northern VA. recommended it in his response to me. Have found some of Dr. Hare's subsequent work. After reading them I will get back to WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.
rmac
Quoting rmac22:
I have been trying to find WITHOUT CONSCIENCE in one of our libraries here in Northern VA. recommended it in his response to me. Have found some of Dr. Hare's subsequent work. After reading them I will get back to WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.
rmac
If you can't find it in a library, Amazon has softcover editions for next to nothing.
Still no drawing. Hmmm. Have you tried sending it telepathically? That way it might just pass by the "monitor gods" so we could all see it. I'm most curious.
Quoting wwww12345:
Here is a drawing that is mostly related to list 3. Hopefully you can read it.
I have no idea why MM keeps deleting the drawing. I wrote it and it was not copied from anyone. This is very irritating.
Dear MM monitor gods. Please consult with your manager before deleting this drawing again. If there is a problem with the drawing, please write me and tell me what the problem is.
Quoting wwww12345:
Here is a drawing that is mostly related to list 3. Hopefully you can read it.
I have no idea why MM keeps deleting the drawing. I wrote it and it was not copied from anyone. This is very irritating.
Dear MM monitor gods. Please consult with your manager before deleting this drawing again. If there is a problem with the drawing, please write me and tell me what the problem is.
Still no drawing. Hmmm. Have you tried sending it telepathically? That way it might just pass by the "monitor gods" so we could all see it. I'm most curious.
YES! I just finished it. Good, but not very memorable. For a far better read on the subject, try: WITHOUT CONSCIENCE, Robert D. Hare, PhD.
Hare developed a highly critical test for therapists/law enforcement agencies/courts/parole boards to use to determine if someone is a sociopath/psychopath that is in use today as a standard all over the world. The man is considered one of the most foremost authorities on the subject, if not THE most foremost authority. I think you'll get a great deal out of his book.
And by the way, it was Bernie who turned me on to both Stout's and Hare's books. As long as Bernie doesn't have his tongue in his cheek [sometimes it's difficult to determine if he does or not], he is a man whose advice should be taken seriously. One of our brightest bloggers indeed.
I have been trying to find WITHOUT CONSCIENCE in one of our libraries here in Northern VA. wwww12345 recommended it in his response to me. Have found some of Dr. Hare's subsequent work. After reading them I will get back to WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.
rmac
Quoting Curious2078:
YES! I just finished it. Good, but not very memorable. For a far better read on the subject, try: WITHOUT CONSCIENCE, Robert D. Hare, PhD.
Hare developed a highly critical test for therapists/law enforcement agencies/courts/parole boards to use to determine if someone is a sociopath/psychopath that is in use today as a standard all over the world. The man is considered one of the most foremost authorities on the subject, if not THE most foremost authority. I think you'll get a great deal out of his book.
And by the way, it was Bernie who turned me on to both Stout's and Hare's books. As long as Bernie doesn't have his tongue in his cheek [sometimes it's difficult to determine if he does or not], he is a man whose advice should be taken seriously. One of our brightest bloggers indeed.
I have been trying to find WITHOUT CONSCIENCE in one of our libraries here in Northern VA. wwww12345 recommended it in his response to me. Have found some of Dr. Hare's subsequent work. After reading them I will get back to WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.
I'm appreciating this comment, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere." It creates a picture I can carry when I find myself adrift.
Eva
Quoting migliore:
I've looked at love from both sides now, From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions i recall. I really don't know love at all.
Donna Gentile,
You post inspired me to write the words above, although, someone later told me they were already written...by a Canadian. Just shows you Canadians get there first.
True, we want to maintain our own chosen and created environments. I recall words I read recently on a church marquis, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere."
Andy
Quoting migliore:
I've looked at love from both sides now, From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions i recall. I really don't know love at all.
Donna Gentile,
You post inspired me to write the words above, although, someone later told me they were already written...by a Canadian. Just shows you Canadians get there first.
True, we want to maintain our own chosen and created environments. I recall words I read recently on a church marquis, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere."
Andy
Very funny, Andy. Great thanks to you AND Joni.
I'm appreciating this comment, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere." It creates a picture I can carry when I find myself adrift.
Mama, don't worry about me! You know I'm a hopeless romantic. No, life is good, even while peppered with some harsh lessons, about others, about myself. I am simply processing. Learning more each day about what I want and don't want. It's why I am enjoying this blog...
Quoting Curious2078:
EVA, my dear! Nothing namby pamby about your remark at all. Not a wink of it. Nor are you being contrary! Just a victim of some lousy love experiences lately...maybe? Or some other somewhat ruinous "adventure?' " Open/vulnerable. Compromise/boundary. Give/take, push/pull, accept/select...dang"
Talk to me, Sweetie. Tell "Mama" all about it. You know the private "number." I don't like the "down" sound of your posts lately. Not like you at all. Pat
Quoting Curious2078:
EVA, my dear! Nothing namby pamby about your remark at all. Not a wink of it. Nor are you being contrary! Just a victim of some lousy love experiences lately...maybe? Or some other somewhat ruinous "adventure?' " Open/vulnerable. Compromise/boundary. Give/take, push/pull, accept/select...dang"
Talk to me, Sweetie. Tell "Mama" all about it. You know the private "number." I don't like the "down" sound of your posts lately. Not like you at all. Pat
Mama, don't worry about me! You know I'm a hopeless romantic. No, life is good, even while peppered with some harsh lessons, about others, about myself. I am simply processing. Learning more each day about what I want and don't want. It's why I am enjoying this blog...
Not sure about looking for the right stuff 5W's. Lately I have been just trying to avoid stepping in the wrong stuff. One has to be dilligent. I do a little test. If it looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t, and tastes like sh*t, I just move on feeling very thankful that I didn't step in it. My shoes stay clean. LMAO...
Not sure about looking for the right stuff 5W's. Lately I have been just trying to avoid stepping in the wrong stuff. One has to be dilligent. I do a little test. If it looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t, and tastes like sh*t, I just move on feeling very thankful that I didn't step in it. My shoes stay clean. LMAO...
I've looked at love from both sides now, From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions i recall. I really don't know love at all.
Donna Gentile,
You post inspired me to write the words above, although, someone later told me they were already written...by a Canadian. Just shows you Canadians get there first.
True, we want to maintain our own chosen and created environments. I recall words I read recently on a church marquis, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere."
Andy
I've looked at love from both sides now, From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions i recall. I really don't know love at all.
Donna Gentile,
You post inspired me to write the words above, although, someone later told me they were already written...by a Canadian. Just shows you Canadians get there first.
True, we want to maintain our own chosen and created environments. I recall words I read recently on a church marquis, "Harbors are safe, yet the purpose of a ship lies elsewhere."
Here is a drawing that is mostly related to list 3. Hopefully you can read it.
I have no idea why MM keeps deleting the drawing. I wrote it and it was not copied from anyone. This is very irritating.
Dear MM monitor gods. Please consult with your manager before deleting this drawing again. If there is a problem with the drawing, please write me and tell me what the problem is.
Here is a drawing that is mostly related to list 3. Hopefully you can read it.
I have no idea why MM keeps deleting the drawing. I wrote it and it was not copied from anyone. This is very irritating.
Dear MM monitor gods. Please consult with your manager before deleting this drawing again. If there is a problem with the drawing, please write me and tell me what the problem is.
Bernie, this remark of yours: "how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex." Where stand you on the issue of MEN, even the ugliest of men, rejecting average-looking women like me in favor of gorgeous women they could never get--and so such men end up with total trash who only look attractive after 17 beers because they themselves are so unattractive that's all they can get? This problem is not one-sided for sure. There are thousands--yea, millions of us average-looking women who can't get a Saturday night date with a decent man of AVERAGE LOOKS because these men are too busy trying to overwhelm the beauties of the world. They never will; they'll wind up, in the end, with the uglies of the world because us average gals have moved on....we'd rather spend the rest of our lives with our dogs and/or our cats than with some idiot who rejected us out out of hand because we didn't look like Raquel Welch. Did that make any sense???? I tried really hard....
IMHO, If any man, at any age, is only concerned with the criteria in the 1st list, such as beauty, then he is obviously don't have many level 3 assets himself - or he is just stupid. As a blogger on here said several years ago, we all want the best deal we can get, but I believe that should include good character - if you know what you are doing and want the relationship to last. If I was a woman, regardless of my beauty, I would want someone to appreciate my good character, that's assuming I have some. lol
Of course there are men (or women)that would go for a movie stars looks or money, regardless of their character, but are those men (or women) really worth having?
Personally, I am glad I don't look like a movie star. Hopefully anyone interested in me will have to look deeper to see if I am worth having..
OK OK,, I do resemble some movie stars,, Godzilla,, for instance.
Quoting Curious2078:
Bernie, this remark of yours: "how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex." Where stand you on the issue of MEN, even the ugliest of men, rejecting average-looking women like me in favor of gorgeous women they could never get--and so such men end up with total trash who only look attractive after 17 beers because they themselves are so unattractive that's all they can get? This problem is not one-sided for sure. There are thousands--yea, millions of us average-looking women who can't get a Saturday night date with a decent man of AVERAGE LOOKS because these men are too busy trying to overwhelm the beauties of the world. They never will; they'll wind up, in the end, with the uglies of the world because us average gals have moved on....we'd rather spend the rest of our lives with our dogs and/or our cats than with some idiot who rejected us out out of hand because we didn't look like Raquel Welch. Did that make any sense???? I tried really hard....
IMHO, If any man, at any age, is only concerned with the criteria in the 1st list, such as beauty, then he is obviously don't have many level 3 assets himself - or he is just stupid. As a blogger on here said several years ago, we all want the best deal we can get, but I believe that should include good character - if you know what you are doing and want the relationship to last. If I was a woman, regardless of my beauty, I would want someone to appreciate my good character, that's assuming I have some. lol
Of course there are men (or women)that would go for a movie stars looks or money, regardless of their character, but are those men (or women) really worth having?
Personally, I am glad I don't look like a movie star. Hopefully anyone interested in me will have to look deeper to see if I am worth having..
OK OK,, I do resemble some movie stars,, Godzilla,, for instance.
Bernie, this remark of yours: "how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex." Where stand you on the issue of MEN, even the ugliest of men, rejecting average-looking women like me in favor of gorgeous women they could never get--and so such men end up with total trash who only look attractive after 17 beers because they themselves are so unattractive that's all they can get? This problem is not one-sided for sure. There are thousands--yea, millions of us average-looking women who can't get a Saturday night date with a decent man of AVERAGE LOOKS because these men are too busy trying to overwhelm the beauties of the world. They never will; they'll wind up, in the end, with the uglies of the world because us average gals have moved on....we'd rather spend the rest of our lives with our dogs and/or our cats than with some idiot who rejected us out out of hand because we didn't look like Raquel Welch. Did that make any sense???? I tried really hard....
Quoting wwww12345:
Thank you jackbunny.
It has always amazed me how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex. The only people they are likely to attract are the people with problems or with few good character traits .
Quoting wwww12345:
Thank you jackbunny.
It has always amazed me how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex. The only people they are likely to attract are the people with problems or with few good character traits .
Bernie, this remark of yours: "how many people concentrate on the wrong things in picking a mate and the wrong things in trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex." Where stand you on the issue of MEN, even the ugliest of men, rejecting average-looking women like me in favor of gorgeous women they could never get--and so such men end up with total trash who only look attractive after 17 beers because they themselves are so unattractive that's all they can get? This problem is not one-sided for sure. There are thousands--yea, millions of us average-looking women who can't get a Saturday night date with a decent man of AVERAGE LOOKS because these men are too busy trying to overwhelm the beauties of the world. They never will; they'll wind up, in the end, with the uglies of the world because us average gals have moved on....we'd rather spend the rest of our lives with our dogs and/or our cats than with some idiot who rejected us out out of hand because we didn't look like Raquel Welch. Did that make any sense???? I tried really hard....
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