I was asked to post the following essay that I wrote about 30 years ago as a discussion topic. Open for discussion. *****************************************************
What are you looking for in a mate? Are you looking for the "right stuff"
People's assets, traits, and qualities can generally be categorized into three positive categories plus a negative category.
1. Those assets you were BORN WITH, and had nothing to do with: Such as beauty, intelligence, inherited wealth and family money, good genetic mental health, good genetic physical health, sexy looks, natural talents or abilities, charisma, inherited social position, etc. Some of these characteristics, such as good looks, money, etc. are often “flashy” and attract a lot of attention and admiration in most societies. However, this category of traits does not make you a “class act” by any means. Regardless of the items on this list, the key factor is that you had to do nothing to gain these assets.
2. Those assets you had to WORK FOR to obtain: Traits and accomplishments such as: education; interests, knowledge, wisdom, developed skills and abilities; accomplishments, personality, development as a whole and balanced person; common sense, sound philosophy of life, tolerance of others; trying to be good, trying to be a good parent or role model; admirable but realistic values; open and honest with yourself and others, knowing yourself; good work ethnic. They may have: wealth, success, pleasant personality, sociable, interesting, a good leader; have a balanced personality, sound goals, ideas, etc. They may recognize their special talents and try to improve their weaknesses; accept challenges in life, etc. Regardless of the components of the list, the key factor is that you had to work and expend effort to gain these assets.
3. Those assets that define your CHARACTER and the higher-level traits of a good human being: Such as: honesty, integrity, honor, compassion, kindness, flexible, understanding, responsible, affectionate, patient, tolerant, capable of love, stable, good morals, spiritual, dependable, easy going, mature, willingness to compromise, be slow to anger, help the less fortunate, and about 60 other higher level traits of a good human being.
These people usually are able to give love to people who deserve it, and sometimes to those that don’t. Their respect, love or affection cannot be bought with flowers, dinners, promises, status, position, wealth, being catered too, or any of the ways that people put a price on their selves.
4. NEGATIVE traits
A few are: drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, rage, unjustified anger, undependable, immature; unrealistic expectations; sensation seeking; emotionally cold and unfeeling, feeling they are “entitled”, being "self centered", and the lack of the many positive traits. Of utmost importance are the harmful personality disorders, which cover many negative behavior traits and bad behavior. It is important to understand that the sociopath and psychopaths of the world cause much more damage (often to millions or even nations) than the town drunk will ever cause.
In my humble opinion,
The third and fourth categories are the most important. We can appreciate the other categories
copyright 1980 permission granted for this post on MM
OK FOLKS, NOW IT'S TIME TO VOTE... How many think the people in the White House, the Attorney General, the IRS, Hellery etc. should be allowed to: (1) just fall on a borrowed sword. or (2) run out of town on a rail? .
NOTE, if you are a Democrat you are allowed 10 votes.. Republicians 1.
I was just wondering who would click on this blog, I am trying to get some leads. I do this about every year but it hasn't worked very well for me so far, but neither has anything else I have tried. btw Bill always pays me $10 for leads, so that is another reason for the post.
If you have something to confess, go ahead, I am listening. lol
I think the economy has a very high chance of collapsing. The debt is impossible to pay off, the jobs are just not there in most parts of the country, and there are too many people drawing government checks.
For the last few years I have been keenly observing how people survive in poor countries, countries that can't afford to give everyone a free meal, housing, medical, etc. Countries where even water and food is a struggle to obtain. From my observations, I can tell you one thing for sure, the people in the US have lost their survival skills, they would not be able to survive in poor countries. They wouldn't have a clue. The people in third world countries have been learning to survive since they were born, they know, but it is still almost impossibly hard.
I have also observed what has happened and is happening to people in socialist countries, such as Greece, Spain, etc. It is not pretty and getting worse. Then there are the Islamic radicals......Now those sweeties really are a danger to the world and its economy.
I see people on MM and everywhere else with their head in the sand. They are dreaming about travel to Paris or around the world, they think eating in a 5 star restaurants and driving expensive cars is the utmost lifestyle. I just wonder if they know that they and everyone they know could be wiped out by a economic collapse. I also wonder if they have any backup plans at all.
Do you believe there is a high possibility of a economic collapse or hyper inflation (worthless money)? Do you have any backup plans?
Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solsticeholiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/ortraditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .
Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
Would you marry someone who is dying or seriously ill.
I thought I knew the answer to this one, but after thinking about it, I decided that the answer was not so easy.
People face this issue more than you think. I recently saw a video of a very young bride who just had days to live. They did get married, white dress and all, but it was really sad to me to see such a young person have so few days to live. It did make her and all of the family happy however.
Article from the net, written by Mary Jo Rapini.. You can search for the complete article.
Getting a date may have more to do with your ability to flirt than your looks.
Flirting is often thought of as superficial, cute, and not important. Nothing could be further from the truth. A study in the October-December issue of the Journal of Communication Quarterly identifies five types of flirting behavior based on responses from more than 5,000 adults from the ages of 19 with an average age of 39 years of age. These people were all single at the time. The five types described in the Journal are listed below:
•Physical: People who scored high on this type often develop relationships quickly, have more sexual chemistry and have a greater emotional and sexual connection to their partners.
•Traditional: These believe men should make the first move and women should not pursue men. Both men and women with this style tend to be introverted.
•Polite: The focus is on proper manners and nonsexual communication.
•Sincere: The style most often cited in the study. Relationships involve strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry and are typically meaningful; they are based on creating emotional connections.
•Playful: People favoring the playful style often flirt with little interest in a long-term romance, but they find flirting fun and enhancing to their self-esteem. They are less likely to have important and meaningful relationships and this is the type that is most uncommon.
The most popular (for securing dates) of all of these was the sincere; the least popular as expected was the playful.
Dr. David B. Givens Ph.D. has studied human courtship rituals by attending single scenes, camping out in dimly lit bars, restaurants, and cocktail lounges. His effort was to decode the verbal and nonverbal signals men and women send each other. Dr. Givens, along with a community of college professors, studied simple things such as women going to the bathroom as a form of flirting. These trips were decoded as a way for women to flaunt their attractiveness. It sounds bizarre, but when you think more about it, consider that in that walk to the bathroom the woman may swing her hips, glance in a flirty way at her date across the table, lick her lips, twirl her hair or move in a seductive way. Of course she may really have to go to the bathroom too, as her date may make her nervous. What does the man do as she leaves the table? He sits back, puffs up his chest by putting his arm around the back of the chair. These are all signs of him trying to show his date what a virile, big guy he is.
Dr. Monica Moore, an associate professor at Webster University in St. Louis, has identified more than fifty flirtatious behaviors that are aimed at attracting and keeping the attention of a potential mate. Dr. Moore has found that physical attraction is not the best predictor for finding a mate. A much better predictor is a woman’s ability to flirt, especially how well she can send the appropriate non-verbal signal that she is receptive to a man’s approach. So how do women do that? Below is a list of the top ten non-verbal ways to flirt that resulted in a man approaching a woman:
1. Prolong your eye contact at a potential mate. 2. Arch your eyebrows. 3. Winking
4. Stroke or mess with your hair. 5. Touch your lips or teeth with your tongue. 6. Thrust your chest out. 7. Cross or open your legs. 8. Lean forward. 9. Mirror or copy your potential date’s body behavior. 10. Smile, look like you like yourself.
So many of us criticize ourselves for the way we look. We say to ourselves: we are too chubby, our hair is too thin, or we don’t wear the right clothes. It is refreshing to know that men may not be judging the same things we are. They may be looking to see if you are going to be friendly or rejecting. Trying these behaviors may give him the courage to approach. –Mary Jo Rapini
from the net, a great article. You can search for the text.
Marying/Dating Someone With an Addiction MaryJoRapini or Pick Your Poison, You Have To Drink It
My dad was incredibly insightful. He wasn’t well educated, but he knew so much from experience. When I was dating, his favorite saying was, “You drink the poison you select.” I was 16 years old, and I thought he was out of it. He wasn’t. I am a psychotherapist now, and I can’t find a better way to tell people to be aware when they are dating. Know what you want and what you don’t. Men and women constantly tell me things they saw and noted with their dates, but married them anyway. They thought these things would change. These things don’t change, they intensify after marriage. What you marry, you live with. You drink the poison you pick.
If you marry someone with an addiction, it is never going to go away. They can learn to manage it or recover from it, but it will always be there like a demon begging them to come back. It’s tough to fight it, and they cannot fight it without your support. Telling your spouse to “get over it” is like telling you to keep a baby from coming out during labor; it is not going to happen. The baby is born, and your spouse, who is an addict, is addicted. It makes no difference in regards to the drug of choice—pot, food, sex, gambling, porn, the list goes on and on. It is a poison though, and if you marry into it, you are going to drink it.
If you marry for money, you have to drink that too. It may seem elaborate or seductive during dating, but you are marrying a very isolated, lonely lifestyle if you wanted a companion. Whoever has money is invested in keeping it. That investment takes a lot of time, and they may frequently choose work over you. That investment also makes the owner feel entitled to it. They begin to think they are better than others, more entitled to the good things in life, and more deserving. They may begin to believe you are the fortunate one; after all you did marry them and their money. Soon, you are invested in it also. You need a certain lifestyle, or you deserve a certain lifestyle—all because you are married to Mr. or Ms. Money. I also learned from my dad the bigger the rock, the bigger the problems. Once again…the guy was right.
Dating a charmer that all of your friends love? They are so sweet, attentive, and sensitive. But just wait until you drink that poison; that is a bitter one. You find out your charmer wasn’t only good at charming you, but that they also have an eye for people in need. They are great at focusing in and charming the person who needs them the most. All of that sensitivity and attentiveness that was once directed at you is easily aimed at another person. You are better off looking for someone who is honest and candid and maybe tells your friends the truth. Your friends may not like this person as much, but this person will be at your side long after your friends have forgotten your name.
Dating the best-looking person? Do you feel special because this person is so good-looking and athletic? Do all the women or men want to date your boyfriend or girlfriend? That is my least favorite poison. Most people who are really beautiful know it and use it. Society treats good-looking people better than average. When someone only focuses on how they look, other areas are neglected. Areas of empathy, compassion, and humility are the first ones neglected. This may create an attitude of arrogance, judging, and sometimes aggression. When we first meet someone, their looks have a lot to say, but when we get to know them, their looks change. Plain people may become beautiful, and beautiful people may become ugly. Before you say, “Yes,” to this person because you are so enamored with their looks, watch the way they treat someone not as beautiful. The way they treat others will sooner or later be projected on to you, and you will have to drink your poison.
When you get married, you do drink a certain amount of poison. No one is perfect, and a little poison won’t hurt you from time to time. A wise rule of thumb is to be aware of whatever this person portrays. Anything you notice while you are dating will be multiplied by a thousand when you are married. Choose your “poison” with great care. –Mary Jo Rapini about the author Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy and relationships. She works in Houston, Texas at Methodist Hospital, maintains a private practice, is a renowned lecturer, author and frequent contributor in the media.
I am beginning to like this author, Mary Jo Rapina. She is funny. We have all met one of these couples. Search the net for some of the text and you will find the complete text and web site of the author.
Please No “Bun Bun” Or “Cutie Patootie” In My Office
It happened again. A couple came in with intimacy issues and had just sit down when the 6'8'' very hairy, masculine man turned to his wife and said in a baby voice, “Cutie patootie, did you remember the check book?” She said in a baby voice, “Oh no, Bun Bun, I thought you had it.” Okay, forget the part that I may not get paid, this baby talk has got to stop. I have a rule in my office. NO BABY TALK. Tell me your problem, as honestly as you can, but please say it in an adult voice with adult words. My head was hurting at this point, and I let out a small sigh. It was going to be a long session.
Research actually has proven that as we are together in a relationship for a long period of time, we begin talking like each other. In fact, it's not that we are looking more alike, it's that we begin to express ourselves more alike verbally, and that's why we get expression lines on our faces in the same places. This process is called LSM or “language style matching.” Dr. Christos Ballas, a psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania, specializes in forensics and notes that couples often respond similarly, depending on the tone of the conversations with their loved ones. So when one smiles, the other smiles, and over time they develop similar lines on their faces. Ballas goes on to say that if a man begins dressing in a style similar to his wife, it is usually because he has stopped buying clothes and is adapting to his wife's style. It is all part of mimicking the partner they are involved with.
When couples begin mimicking each other with speech patterns, Ballas says it's because they are naturally adapting to each other. It's a power play. The person who needs something is usually the one to adapt. So I am not sure who needed something - Bun Bun or Cutie Patootie - but I do know they adapted. Even though it is irksome, it usually means they are connected. James Pennebaker and Molly Ireland published an article in The Journal of Personality and Social Behavior which looked at two famous couples who wrote poetry. They found that at the happiest points in the relationships, the couples styles were also the most similar. The adapter changes so both feel more understood. Ballas says talking to babies is the same way. We are trying to make the baby understand us. We regress to what we think the baby's level of understanding is.
When couples use baby names, such as the ones mentioned above, it can be embarrassing for others watching. I don't know what to do with Cutie Patootie, but I do know what to do with, “Did you remember the checkbook,” and “No, I am sorry I thought you had it.” That level of communicating tells me these are two adults, and they are ready to deal with the issue. Baby talk tells me that a couple may have difficulty saying what they really mean. They may regress when they are angry and resort to childlike ways. Therefore, I prefer if everyone uses grown-up words, and tries to be candid with their thoughts without being caustic. I have a few other suggestions that may help you match your language styles and also deal with the real issues in your relationship:
1. Hold hands whenever possible. This tells your partner you are present. 2. Instead of baby talk, try “classical sleaze” and say it in private. As a woman, I don't want to be called a “Cutie Patootie,” However, I might go for “Hottie Patotie.” (Of course, I am kidding. Mary Jo works well for me, and most women and men like hearing their name.) 3. Tell each other when they do something that makes you feel special. 4. Watch movies together and enjoy the way each other laughs. 5. Spend time together on Saturday morning or Friday night talking about interesting things you have seen or heard. 6. Ask your partner why they love you…then mimic that for them.
Just as my baby talk couple was leaving, we shook hands and he put his arm around his wife and said in this deep, baby voice, “Ready to go big Moo-Moo Mama?” I watched her face to see a big grin. This behavior was not going to be extinguished any time soon. Personally, I think “Bun Bun” deserved a night in the barn.
about the author Mary Jo Rapini is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy and relationships. She works in Houston, Texas at Methodist Hospital, maintains a private practice, is a renowned lecturer, author and frequent contributor in the media.
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's aZZ?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
A collection of aphorisms to help us understand that the world can be divided between mobile and stationary matter: found on everything2 web site.
The handyman's world: If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40; if either doesn't work, use the hammer unknown
The soldier's world: If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't, paint it green or If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it. anonymous World War Two-era saying
The statesman's world: If it moves, tax it; if it keeps moving, regulate it; if it stops moving, subsidise it quote attributed to Ronald Reagan
The computer programmer's world: If it moves, blit it. If it doesn't move, skip it larc.csci.unt.edu/laws
The soccer player's world: If it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it moves quote attributed to Phil Woosnam
The scientist's world: If it moves, it's biology; if it stinks, it's chemistry; if it doesn't work, it's physics quote allegedly found on a classroom wall
The Gamer's world: If it moves, shoot it; if it doesn't, shoot it anyway anonymous, with several variations, the best being: If it moves, shoot it, and keep shooting it until it falls over dead in a spreading pool of red. If it doesn't move, shoot it anyway, or it might start moving, as quoted in a review of Resident Evil
The Frenchman's world: If it moves, sleep with it; if it doesn't, cook it quote attributed to Andy Blackford
The flight attendant's world: If it moves, call it sir or madam; if it doesn't, put parsley on it quote attributed to George Negus
Oh what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive. - Sir Walter Scott (Marmion, 1808)
It constantly amazes me of the people that think they can tell lies, distortions, lies by omission, etc. and not get caught. I guess it is the mark of a true psychopath to believe they are smarter than others. I personally mark in my memory, maybe for dozens of years, things that don't sound right. Then I keep my eye out for years for validation of my suspicions. I wonder if the psychopaths realize that many people do what I do? I wonder if they know that some things can be remembered for 40-50-even 90 years. My guess is: Probably not. What fools they must be.
Some proverbs along the same line.
“Give a man enough rope and he'll hang himself.”
“You made your bed, now lie in it”
“Bad news travels fast”
And you know what? They are really angry and upset when it hits the fan, the bed has bugs and rocks, and everyone knows. Imagine that. lol
I posted several post along this subject line. Please read the oldest posts first.