Sure traditional fidelity is ideal, Im one of those people to cherish and want that too, as I have never cheated (will never do since Im not involved in the common attractiveness-set of activities/mind, regardsless of society profile..but thats just "unusual" me) or been cheated on and was brought up with very traditional values despite that being in the very liberal and un-religious Sweden
...but...
I met several people that were (or so afraid of becoming) hit by the infidelity-bomb and had (to have) their entire existens blown into pieces. Although we find traditional fidelity profile ideal, especially as that is the only "right" way we have been taught...
Im thinking if we might need to edit or re-program our system to handle eventual "infidelity" issues of the modern world..many would also say traditional fidelity rules are becoming more and more limiting to a modern persons life, for example why should one not enjoy the fulfilling and varied interaction with many more of the opposite sex etc. as many do not see online social activities as cheating (or with the ponentialty of the same), but the partner many times find it a way of cheating as every op sex relation is kind of a door)and that without monitoring (good word thanks SapphireRose!) then we cant know and some dont even want to know (..and its rather impossible to even try to track such nowadays) etc.
People go around and about this in different ways but all roads lead to Roaming ;-) around and beyond traditional relationship, which due the modern tech society is becoming more usual, so how do we deal with the traditional fidelity mechanisms that are pressuring and contradicting the modern sociey so that we can be more ok either way, how do we defuze this infidelity bomb?
Dear SapphireRose,
Thanks for your input.
Sure traditional fidelity is ideal, Im one of those people to cherish and want that too, as I have never cheated (will never do since Im not involved in the common attractiveness-set of activities/mind, regardsless of society profile..but thats just "unusual" me) or been cheated on and was brought up with very traditional values despite that being in the very liberal and un-religious Sweden
...but...
I met several people that were (or so afraid of becoming) hit by the infidelity-bomb and had (to have) their entire existens blown into pieces. Although we find traditional fidelity profile ideal, especially as that is the only "right" way we have been taught...
Im thinking if we might need to edit or re-program our system to handle eventual "infidelity" issues of the modern world..many would also say traditional fidelity rules are becoming more and more limiting to a modern persons life, for example why should one not enjoy the fulfilling and varied interaction with many more of the opposite sex etc. as many do not see online social activities as cheating (or with the ponentialty of the same), but the partner many times find it a way of cheating as every op sex relation is kind of a door)and that without monitoring (good word thanks SapphireRose!) then we cant know and some dont even want to know (..and its rather impossible to even try to track such nowadays) etc.
People go around and about this in different ways but all roads lead to Roaming ;-) around and beyond traditional relationship, which due the modern tech society is becoming more usual, so how do we deal with the traditional fidelity mechanisms that are pressuring and contradicting the modern sociey so that we can be more ok either way, how do we defuze this infidelity bomb?
There are still those who want loyalty and to be faithful. I want that so I will not be with someone I cant trust. It takes time to see who is really who and trust is something that grows over time as is love. I dont think we should limit or monitor anyone. If your partner is sneaking aroung hiding things or doing things that dont make you feel respected, that is not a loyal partner.
There are still those who want loyalty and to be faithful. I want that so I will not be with someone I cant trust. It takes time to see who is really who and trust is something that grows over time as is love.
I dont think we should limit or monitor anyone. If your partner is sneaking aroung hiding things or doing things that dont make you feel respected, that is not a loyal partner.
I’m not laughing at anything anyone says in the field of a “serious” discussion, out of respect to their views…and OH good that looong texts are understood in their context. My take on it is that I want to “view” a person’s discussion by his/her blog posts and not by their dating-profile, which may risk “labeling” them in any way and thus risking imbalance of discussion. I don’t even think I have even visited your profile. Out of curiosity and as I am new here, how does this work...how do you (Hoping4Love) know what new I have written in my blog when you do not show on my visitors list efter my new posting?
OH, being a world traveler, I have cultivated my love for human beings on many levels, and thus experienced their warming happiness and also their shaking pain – beyond cultures.
This topic, fidelity in a classical sense or not, is a way to try figuring out possible ways to ease or terminate their shattering pain caused by infidelity. What I am talking about is fidelity/infidelity. Divorce is, as stated in my former post with long list of quotes, stats etc. a significant factor in divorce (or separation when not married), and more now in this new world of online possibilities than ever.
My point (again) is that I wonder if the whole fidelity/infidelity concept is dated and needs to either be erased or edited/modernized, and if so, how?
When a person in general, today (more than ever before – due to online world of meeting others) promises another to be faithful for life (although it seems not to be directly stated in the common vows, but more being a social rule, faithful in the classical sense of not getting “personally” involved in a person of opposite sex on emotional nor physical level etc), then when uttering those words, a person in general is most possibly straight out lying. Maybe some few unique people with some special/superstrong principles, maybe helped by a miracle or two could keep this promise..But, in general, one can read from both stats and get by common sense, that this is generally an impossible mission (im sure Mr. Cruise feels the same just now regardless of reason for the break up) ;)
Infidelity/fidelity related issues...well..Hm..might be because these are the old old thoughts/words that did not foresee the world we live in today of constant attractive impulses and the huge impact and pressure the combination of having to make/made this kind of promise in contrast to the actual reality of life today. In the older days, it was much easier, as people lived far away from temptations and could much easier keep this...and maybe the "eternal family-picture" was an important political factor to enclose in society´s deepest roots etc.
Now, temptations can be carried in your pocket 24/7 (mobile phone), even if you are trapped in a room not irl meeting all attracting others out there…and in regards of that…OMG! There has never been such possibilities of enhancing a person’s looks ever before…imagine how much harder that becomes for primarily men (many men, I’m really empathizing with you), Imagine, being a more “visibly stimulated” creature, seeing all these almost perfected females everywhere all the time, and having to “keep a lifelong promise of only watching and not touching”…and women, being more independent than ever before and attracted to so many interesting, good looking men has to do the same to their partner. Come on! I like reality checks. This is one.
The face of infidelity is not as easily identified as before, since people could be happy etc. with their current partner but “the other” one/s give/s variation of angles in life etc. Variation, not needing to mean that the current partner is worthless etc. at all (this, how do we interpret “infidelity” in a new less selfshattering way is what I’m trying to figure out), meaning many feel that there are many easily accessible interesting and different people in the world to just be with only one, one track for life. Others that could give a person more widened insight and experience on life, self-knowledge, sex etc.
That maybe the era of inner/outer personal journey like never before is here. “Lifelong commitment” 2012 – isn’t it like living/visiting one beautiful country all the time/over and over again, when the international transportation system is better than before, but one is only socially expected to say “NO thanks, no transport tickets for me!”, just because he/she lives in one country and somehow sworn fidelity to one nation for life. Then people, stop traveling around the world! ;-)))
Maybe people could think that re-programming/editing one’s mind in regards to fidelity-issue in this modern world, would be healthier than holding on to a most plausible lie, self-deception which most possibly will prove itself sooner or later? And when it does, not to become as shattered and spiteful etc. to that partner, just be more expecting of it, understanding (is not the deepest essence of love kind of implicit? and thus shared happiness for the other one even though it might sting ones ego etc.) and see that mutual "freedom" as kind of a “gift” instead of a curse.
That the fact she/he met another person that can make him/her even happier than you could, wow wow, then life may have such amazing things in store for you as well, not feeling so worthless, oh such a dog! Hate and hate fires etc..as the "forever promise" one made from the beginning was actually entering the relationship with a most plausible big lie, as maybe some tiny few ones can make any promise for life and keep it in the area of such in this modern world. Maybe one should say, “as long as I possibly can, need, want”…maybe that is being more honest allround.
Hm…maybe having this “free-pass”-mode would make the partner even more appreciative of one being “modern” and thus he/she will feel less notions to check if the grass is or even could be greener on the other side and the attractiveness impulses would become more calmed…as in many cases a banned area becomes more thrilling to explore, so maybe then the mere “OK” would become the actual “no need”..
I’m just putting all this out there so that we can think out-of-the-box and see what comes out as the problem is actual and very alive.
Regarding homosexuality etc., this is another topic, and I do respect other people’s beings and do not judge anyone’s sexual nature in terms of being normal/abnormal, since the most “abnormal/defect” thing could be the most beautiful and most valuable, so I don’t cast any stones, being a Christian myself, although been raised and currently living in a non-Christian Sweden.
As much as many do not see homosexuality as a defect, many might not see “exploring others and widening self-exploration thru variation” in this Neo world of interactions etc. as a “defect”, that many may feel that the actual defect lies in the society’s perception, trying to keep/use old parts to new and different vehicles.
Off course I would love the fact if people had some magical potion which made them/their partner faithful for life and immune to the rising surrounding attractive impulses etc..offcourse I do not agree with nor like infidelity (especially when being faithful always myself and only had faithful partners), but, the pain, the heartaches of people who are hit by the infidelity-bomb are many times more shattering than much on this planet..so maybe finding a way to re-program ourselves to handle such situation by not expecting, by acknowledging the modern world as is and being completely honest on all levels, would maybe be one huge step in the right direction of decreasing if not freeing oneself/loved ones from possible heartaches and burns in the future.
Hi there!
I’m not laughing at anything anyone says in the field of a “serious” discussion, out of respect to their views…and OH good that looong texts are understood in their context. My take on it is that I want to “view” a person’s discussion by his/her blog posts and not by their dating-profile, which may risk “labeling” them in any way and thus risking imbalance of discussion. I don’t even think I have even visited your profile. Out of curiosity and as I am new here, how does this work...how do you (Hoping4Love) know what new I have written in my blog when you do not show on my visitors list efter my new posting?
OH, being a world traveler, I have cultivated my love for human beings on many levels, and thus experienced their warming happiness and also their shaking pain – beyond cultures.
This topic, fidelity in a classical sense or not, is a way to try figuring out possible ways to ease or terminate their shattering pain caused by infidelity. What I am talking about is fidelity/infidelity. Divorce is, as stated in my former post with long list of quotes, stats etc. a significant factor in divorce (or separation when not married), and more now in this new world of online possibilities than ever.
My point (again) is that I wonder if the whole fidelity/infidelity concept is dated and needs to either be erased or edited/modernized, and if so, how?
When a person in general, today (more than ever before – due to online world of meeting others) promises another to be faithful for life (although it seems not to be directly stated in the common vows, but more being a social rule, faithful in the classical sense of not getting “personally” involved in a person of opposite sex on emotional nor physical level etc), then when uttering those words, a person in general is most possibly straight out lying. Maybe some few unique people with some special/superstrong principles, maybe helped by a miracle or two could keep this promise..But, in general, one can read from both stats and get by common sense, that this is generally an impossible mission (im sure Mr. Cruise feels the same just now regardless of reason for the break up) ;)
Infidelity/fidelity related issues...well..Hm..might be because these are the old old thoughts/words that did not foresee the world we live in today of constant attractive impulses and the huge impact and pressure the combination of having to make/made this kind of promise in contrast to the actual reality of life today. In the older days, it was much easier, as people lived far away from temptations and could much easier keep this...and maybe the "eternal family-picture" was an important political factor to enclose in society´s deepest roots etc.
Now, temptations can be carried in your pocket 24/7 (mobile phone), even if you are trapped in a room not irl meeting all attracting others out there…and in regards of that…OMG! There has never been such possibilities of enhancing a person’s looks ever before…imagine how much harder that becomes for primarily men (many men, I’m really empathizing with you), Imagine, being a more “visibly stimulated” creature, seeing all these almost perfected females everywhere all the time, and having to “keep a lifelong promise of only watching and not touching”…and women, being more independent than ever before and attracted to so many interesting, good looking men has to do the same to their partner. Come on! I like reality checks. This is one.
The face of infidelity is not as easily identified as before, since people could be happy etc. with their current partner but “the other” one/s give/s variation of angles in life etc. Variation, not needing to mean that the current partner is worthless etc. at all (this, how do we interpret “infidelity” in a new less selfshattering way is what I’m trying to figure out), meaning many feel that there are many easily accessible interesting and different people in the world to just be with only one, one track for life. Others that could give a person more widened insight and experience on life, self-knowledge, sex etc.
That maybe the era of inner/outer personal journey like never before is here. “Lifelong commitment” 2012 – isn’t it like living/visiting one beautiful country all the time/over and over again, when the international transportation system is better than before, but one is only socially expected to say “NO thanks, no transport tickets for me!”, just because he/she lives in one country and somehow sworn fidelity to one nation for life. Then people, stop traveling around the world! ;-)))
Maybe people could think that re-programming/editing one’s mind in regards to fidelity-issue in this modern world, would be healthier than holding on to a most plausible lie, self-deception which most possibly will prove itself sooner or later? And when it does, not to become as shattered and spiteful etc. to that partner, just be more expecting of it, understanding (is not the deepest essence of love kind of implicit? and thus shared happiness for the other one even though it might sting ones ego etc.) and see that mutual "freedom" as kind of a “gift” instead of a curse.
That the fact she/he met another person that can make him/her even happier than you could, wow wow, then life may have such amazing things in store for you as well, not feeling so worthless, oh such a dog! Hate and hate fires etc..as the "forever promise" one made from the beginning was actually entering the relationship with a most plausible big lie, as maybe some tiny few ones can make any promise for life and keep it in the area of such in this modern world. Maybe one should say, “as long as I possibly can, need, want”…maybe that is being more honest allround.
Hm…maybe having this “free-pass”-mode would make the partner even more appreciative of one being “modern” and thus he/she will feel less notions to check if the grass is or even could be greener on the other side and the attractiveness impulses would become more calmed…as in many cases a banned area becomes more thrilling to explore, so maybe then the mere “OK” would become the actual “no need”..
I’m just putting all this out there so that we can think out-of-the-box and see what comes out as the problem is actual and very alive.
Regarding homosexuality etc., this is another topic, and I do respect other people’s beings and do not judge anyone’s sexual nature in terms of being normal/abnormal, since the most “abnormal/defect” thing could be the most beautiful and most valuable, so I don’t cast any stones, being a Christian myself, although been raised and currently living in a non-Christian Sweden.
As much as many do not see homosexuality as a defect, many might not see “exploring others and widening self-exploration thru variation” in this Neo world of interactions etc. as a “defect”, that many may feel that the actual defect lies in the society’s perception, trying to keep/use old parts to new and different vehicles.
Off course I would love the fact if people had some magical potion which made them/their partner faithful for life and immune to the rising surrounding attractive impulses etc..offcourse I do not agree with nor like infidelity (especially when being faithful always myself and only had faithful partners), but, the pain, the heartaches of people who are hit by the infidelity-bomb are many times more shattering than much on this planet..so maybe finding a way to re-program ourselves to handle such situation by not expecting, by acknowledging the modern world as is and being completely honest on all levels, would maybe be one huge step in the right direction of decreasing if not freeing oneself/loved ones from possible heartaches and burns in the future.
OMG Girl! I am sooo laughing at the photos!! LOVE IT!! Perhaps husbands should be up for RE-ELECTION!! Contracts for marriage! Choose your poison.. 4 years/ 10 years/ the "Silver" or "Gold" package/ or the Lifetime Guarantee! LOL... Too funny! (And doesn't that little girl look like she is about ready to bust up on somebody! LOL) JEALOUSY= HUMAN NATURE.. That's why toddlers take the yellow lego from their friend.. when they already have one in their hand! ;)
OMG Girl! I am sooo laughing at the photos!! LOVE IT!!
Perhaps husbands should be up for RE-ELECTION!!
Contracts for marriage! Choose your poison.. 4 years/ 10 years/ the "Silver" or "Gold" package/ or the Lifetime Guarantee! LOL...
Too funny! (And doesn't that little girl look like she is about ready to bust up on somebody! LOL)
JEALOUSY= HUMAN NATURE..
That's why toddlers take the yellow lego from their friend.. when they already have one in their hand! ;)
Laughing at your comment RE:LONG TEXTS.. Several of us have been known to be LONG-WINDED..so no worries! :)
RE: Profile.. For dating, obviously, it only matters who you are interested in to view you. I like to view everyone's profile if I blog with them personally as it allows further "insight" to who they are. I enjoy people of all types.. So although I do not always agree with others thinking... I do find it interesting to hear and I just like people..
What you are discussing is actually NOT infedelity or cheating.. What you are saying is, "Perhaps since so many people cheat and get divorced, we should reanalize relationships and the institute of marriage."
Infedelity is not the leading cause of divorce. And infedelity is usually a reaction to not feeling close in the marriage... regardless of the sex..
I doubt however, most people would even want FORSAKING ALL OTHERS omitted from the ceremony, as your ceremonious line was.
I think it would be more advantageous to find a mate who believes what we believe... period! "Meeting of the Minds"... I am not of the nature to ever desire a man who is "okay" with me being with another, nor am I okay with a man I love being with another woman. Not in my nature.. And I think to try and "re-program" ones htoughts to reflect something they do not believe in would be most harmful as they would not be "TRUE TO THEMSELVES."
I believe people are born a certain way and that some people are born liking the same sex. I have nothing against this, even as a Christian, as I feel in my heart they are BORN "unnatural".. just a s baby with one arm missing. However, the newest "sexual trend" I have noted is...... otherwise known straight men experimenting with other men. A BI curiosity.. I'm not into that. If a man has so much as touched another man.. I'M HEADING FOR THE HILLS! As well, we have swingers, etc.. Well.. WHERE WOULD WE DRAW THE LINE? "It's okay for Robert to have sex with another woman, as long as they are ALONE.. He knows not another man, or a swinger/swap thing.. she has to be heavier than me and not a blonde!" Sounds kind of ridiculous huh! LOL
I think people should do what THEY and THEIR partner are comfrtable with whih is exactly why I defended the lady SUSI for seeking a man. She has herself out there and is being HONEST. CHEATING in meaning means ot be DIS-Honest... So what you refer is not being DIS-Honest.. It is accepting the fact should you marry, that you know your husband may desire someone else or vice versa..and you both are okay with ACTING ON THIS PREMISE...
Personally, if I can't be in a lifetime relationship where sacrifices are necessary.. I don't think the relationship is worth that much. We all may have seen someone or talked to someone we might have liked to have gotten to know better after we were married.. But the point of marriage is sharing a commitment with an individual you love and in this may come sacrifice of not always having your cake and eating it too..
If society didn't care about monogomy... What need would there be for commitment? or Marriage? or Sacrifice? or relationships in general?
The problem I see, as one who has dealt with commitment and fidelity issues in the past.. People are selfish and falible by nature. Some of us are more impulsive than others, stronger sexual and/or emotional desires, etc... But ask any woman who has been cheated on how she feels? She will tell you it made her feel "unworthy" or wonder "what she had that I don't" .. It's human nature.. I have known several swingers in my day.. and I can't honestly claim any of them were happy and most divorced now... and they did it with each others permission.
WHY does this not matter? Because at the end of the day... People don't divorce over a symptom of a disease.. They divorce over the disease itself.... which is usually caused by lack of communication and growing apart. Not infedelity...
JMHO....
Hey WORLDMIND...
Laughing at your comment RE:LONG TEXTS.. Several of us have been known to be LONG-WINDED..so no worries! :)
RE: Profile.. For dating, obviously, it only matters who you are interested in to view you. I like to view everyone's profile if I blog with them personally as it allows further "insight" to who they are. I enjoy people of all types.. So although I do not always agree with others thinking... I do find it interesting to hear and I just like people..
What you are discussing is actually NOT infedelity or cheating.. What you are saying is, "Perhaps since so many people cheat and get divorced, we should reanalize relationships and the institute of marriage."
Infedelity is not the leading cause of divorce. And infedelity is usually a reaction to not feeling close in the marriage... regardless of the sex..
I doubt however, most people would even want FORSAKING ALL OTHERS omitted from the ceremony, as your ceremonious line was.
I think it would be more advantageous to find a mate who believes what we believe... period! "Meeting of the Minds"... I am not of the nature to ever desire a man who is "okay" with me being with another, nor am I okay with a man I love being with another woman. Not in my nature.. And I think to try and "re-program" ones htoughts to reflect something they do not believe in would be most harmful as they would not be "TRUE TO THEMSELVES."
I believe people are born a certain way and that some people are born liking the same sex. I have nothing against this, even as a Christian, as I feel in my heart they are BORN "unnatural".. just a s baby with one arm missing. However, the newest "sexual trend" I have noted is...... otherwise known straight men experimenting with other men. A BI curiosity.. I'm not into that. If a man has so much as touched another man.. I'M HEADING FOR THE HILLS! As well, we have swingers, etc.. Well.. WHERE WOULD WE DRAW THE LINE? "It's okay for Robert to have sex with another woman, as long as they are ALONE.. He knows not another man, or a swinger/swap thing.. she has to be heavier than me and not a blonde!" Sounds kind of ridiculous huh! LOL
I think people should do what THEY and THEIR partner are comfrtable with whih is exactly why I defended the lady SUSI for seeking a man. She has herself out there and is being HONEST. CHEATING in meaning means ot be DIS-Honest... So what you refer is not being DIS-Honest.. It is accepting the fact should you marry, that you know your husband may desire someone else or vice versa..and you both are okay with ACTING ON THIS PREMISE...
Personally, if I can't be in a lifetime relationship where sacrifices are necessary.. I don't think the relationship is worth that much. We all may have seen someone or talked to someone we might have liked to have gotten to know better after we were married.. But the point of marriage is sharing a commitment with an individual you love and in this may come sacrifice of not always having your cake and eating it too..
If society didn't care about monogomy... What need would there be for commitment? or Marriage? or Sacrifice? or relationships in general?
The problem I see, as one who has dealt with commitment and fidelity issues in the past.. People are selfish and falible by nature. Some of us are more impulsive than others, stronger sexual and/or emotional desires, etc... But ask any woman who has been cheated on how she feels? She will tell you it made her feel "unworthy" or wonder "what she had that I don't" .. It's human nature.. I have known several swingers in my day.. and I can't honestly claim any of them were happy and most divorced now... and they did it with each others permission.
WHY does this not matter? Because at the end of the day... People don't divorce over a symptom of a disease.. They divorce over the disease itself.... which is usually caused by lack of communication and growing apart. Not infedelity...
Maybe marriage vows differ, but mine included, in part, the following:
"Will you love, honor, and cherish him, in sickness and in health, for better
or for worse, forsaking all others, keep thee only onto him, so long as you
both shall live?"
I think the boundaries are pretty clear in that version. You're making a promise to that person, and I don't take promises lightly, nor do I make them if I don't think they can be kept.
There's nothing in this modern, technical age that has changed my mind about the sanctify of marriage...and nothing that makes infidelity sound tempting. I doubt it ever will. It's not in my make-up to cheat. Why go looking for Ripple when you have fine champagne at home?
Mention was made about opposite sex friends after getting married. Marriage is built on trust, and if you can't trust your spouse, what's the point of getting married in the first place? You both had opposite sex friends before, why should you have to give them up just because you got married? Jealousy is like a cancer, and it will destroy anyone who allows it to enter their life. Jealousy arises when there is no trust which brings insecurity into the relationship. If those exist..there is no relationship...at least not a healthy one.
I don't believe the technological highway is more threatening than anything else around these days. People who are going to cheat will find a way. People who refuse to consider it very likely won't. It's not all that complicated. You have the choice to either control your actions or let them control you.
You stated, "I am unsure if human nature is monogamous for life, for example, viewing the huge divorce statistics indicates that fidelity might be very forced and un-natural."
I believe we can. I've known many, many people who have been married over 40 years and are just as much in love...if not more so...than when they got married. If a couple is truly happy, they won't be looking. If they aren't happy, then they should be true enough to themselves and each other to part ways. Marriage is sacred...it should be treated as such. Fidelity in a relationship isn't impossible. Even in the animal kingdom, there are many animals and birds who mate for life and never stray.
I'm sure there are people here who will disagree, and I respect their right to do so. I would never want to be in a relationship where cheating was going on. Besides it being living a lie, in this day and age, it can be a death sentence.
I do understand there are exceptions to everything. Sickness, disability, and probably several other roadblocks to a physical relationship might make a couple decide to allow another avenue to be taken, but the decision should be made by both...not just one.
Many, many years ago I read a book where a couple got married and the marriage vows, for the man, stated "till death or distance do you part" Thought is was pretty funny at the time, but now...not so much. It seems too many couples think distance makes cheating okay.
I enjoy reading your thoughts...thank you for sharing.
Hi Worldmind,
Maybe marriage vows differ, but mine included, in part, the following:
"Will you love, honor, and cherish him, in sickness and in health, for better
or for worse, forsaking all others, keep thee only onto him, so long as you
both shall live?"
I think the boundaries are pretty clear in that version. You're making a promise to that person, and I don't take promises lightly, nor do I make them if I don't think they can be kept.
There's nothing in this modern, technical age that has changed my mind about the sanctify of marriage...and nothing that makes infidelity sound tempting. I doubt it ever will. It's not in my make-up to cheat. Why go looking for Ripple when you have fine champagne at home?
Mention was made about opposite sex friends after getting married. Marriage is built on trust, and if you can't trust your spouse, what's the point of getting married in the first place? You both had opposite sex friends before, why should you have to give them up just because you got married? Jealousy is like a cancer, and it will destroy anyone who allows it to enter their life. Jealousy arises when there is no trust which brings insecurity into the relationship. If those exist..there is no relationship...at least not a healthy one.
I don't believe the technological highway is more threatening than anything else around these days. People who are going to cheat will find a way. People who refuse to consider it very likely won't. It's not all that complicated. You have the choice to either control your actions or let them control you.
You stated, "I am unsure if human nature is monogamous for life, for example, viewing the huge divorce statistics indicates that fidelity might be very forced and un-natural."
I believe we can. I've known many, many people who have been married over 40 years and are just as much in love...if not more so...than when they got married. If a couple is truly happy, they won't be looking. If they aren't happy, then they should be true enough to themselves and each other to part ways. Marriage is sacred...it should be treated as such. Fidelity in a relationship isn't impossible. Even in the animal kingdom, there are many animals and birds who mate for life and never stray.
I'm sure there are people here who will disagree, and I respect their right to do so. I would never want to be in a relationship where cheating was going on. Besides it being living a lie, in this day and age, it can be a death sentence.
I do understand there are exceptions to everything. Sickness, disability, and probably several other roadblocks to a physical relationship might make a couple decide to allow another avenue to be taken, but the decision should be made by both...not just one.
Many, many years ago I read a book where a couple got married and the marriage vows, for the man, stated "till death or distance do you part" Thought is was pretty funny at the time, but now...not so much. It seems too many couples think distance makes cheating okay.
I enjoy reading your thoughts...thank you for sharing.
(everyone, please excuse my long texts, but it seems to be the need for the topic at hand and thank you for reading/visiting and welcome back)
Knock knock...WORLDMIND here…:)))
There is one line I actually like;
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music" by Nietzsche
Just so women on this site in general know; please do not take not being able to view my full profile so personal. My profile is viewed only by gold members, and since I am not interested in women, it is only shown to “gold member” men and some possible female acquaintances…sorry if this might have “irritated” anywoman, although my dating-profile has no valuable relevance here.
Furthermore, you are all most welcome to give me intelligent, concrete, logical responses and arguments on my topic at hand, and just to make one thing clear…even if I have the easy possibility to actually erase any personal jabs etc. from my blog (and even ban some eventual respectless persons from commenting), I’m not, as personal jabs etc. are typical proofs of pure weakness in any discussion/display of views.
In case anyone else did not really understand my latest input; as said, I explored my own thoughts even more, and looked a bit deeper into the topic (also in reference to Mr. Easymantolove research comments which I do appreciate as it made me read more about this) and found some interesting views by professionals that have dealt with many angles of this topic and met many in real life cases/people of infidelity and its effect etc.
Any personal experience with infidelity might be interesting for some – thanks for sharing if anyone feels like it for any reason- but it only covers one person’s story and it is not really what my topic is about, it is more about what to do in general to change/re-program our reaction to and perception of fidelity if it is possible etc. Not about how it usually is, but how it possibly could become.
I have never experienced “infidelity”, neither by being cheated on by a man nor cheating on any man…but it doesn’t mean I live in a hut out in the blue and haven’t seen the striking effects up close and real thru fellow human beings, and thus my thoughts and questions, as I am looking for a way to possibly turn this around by maybe adjusting the way we feel/react and think in regards to “infidelity” and that it might not even need to be labeled as this (dishonor is only affecting us if we label it as such – we rule our own buttons), that the actual notion and word “fidelity/infidelity” might almost need to be erased (?), as I am questioning if the “wordly connected” times we are living in are not actually starting to profoundly contradict all this and thus more people will become “victims”. It doesn’t mean that two people should not be honest to each other etc. whatsoever, this is not about honesty in that actual sense, it is rather about not even expecting and be expected to be “faithful” in the classical sense.
Classical wedding vows;
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Do these vows state that a person should not explore other people (or even have close friends from opposite sex etc) and still be supported by his/her spouse?
They can be together and build a life (which is one of the problems for eventually “getting” out when attracted to someone else, is it easier said than done, and result in living in an emotional/physical cage if not being “unfaithful” /exploring in secrecy and thus risking ruining the castle built).
Is it possible to maybe allow the other and oneself to be more exploring instead, a “freepass”…and/or if we would still choose to follow the classical fidelity street, then we might need to re-program our minds when handling the effects of such, as for the moment the effects are rather poisonous, so, could we find an antidote to this poison, as the venoumous snakes are now multiplying much faster and much easier?
Not too long time back (and still today in some places/cultures), a homosexual had to hide his/her natural self, otherwise he/she was considered unfaithful to family values, standards and parents expectations, some kind of infidelity child/parent. It hit harder than a brick. The child’s nature could not be changed, it was a fact, but when parents changed their perception/their reaction-mode to this...then everyone became more happy.
I am unsure if human nature is monogamous for life, for example, viewing the huge divorce statistics indicates that fidelity might be very forced and un-natural.
I do understand this is a very delicate matter and saying “be faithful, unfaithfulness is bad bad and so forth” is the commonly accepted and thus easiest way, and that many who have other views do not even want to/dare to comment here (although some have sent me interesting private messages) and thus reveal their true feelings about this matter, that it is unconventional and thus not easily addressed without risking being misunderstood nor jabbed at etc., but It is a real deal that needs to be considered/addressed either way and hopefully you out there who have your own views, un-copied from the commonly book, can take this chance to help me get some answers and also try to figure out the possibilities.
By writing all this, I am not taking sides, like saying that I think being unfaithful is right. As said, I have never been unfaithful, but I am looking for comforting and new angles for those who are or could be affected by such situation, for more modernized and easier way to go on and not go down.
(everyone, please excuse my long texts, but it seems to be the need for the topic at hand and thank you for reading/visiting and welcome back)
Knock knock...WORLDMIND here…:)))
There is one line I actually like;
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music" by Nietzsche
Just so women on this site in general know; please do not take not being able to view my full profile so personal. My profile is viewed only by gold members, and since I am not interested in women, it is only shown to “gold member” men and some possible female acquaintances…sorry if this might have “irritated” anywoman, although my dating-profile has no valuable relevance here.
Furthermore, you are all most welcome to give me intelligent, concrete, logical responses and arguments on my topic at hand, and just to make one thing clear…even if I have the easy possibility to actually erase any personal jabs etc. from my blog (and even ban some eventual respectless persons from commenting), I’m not, as personal jabs etc. are typical proofs of pure weakness in any discussion/display of views.
In case anyone else did not really understand my latest input; as said, I explored my own thoughts even more, and looked a bit deeper into the topic (also in reference to Mr. Easymantolove research comments which I do appreciate as it made me read more about this) and found some interesting views by professionals that have dealt with many angles of this topic and met many in real life cases/people of infidelity and its effect etc.
Any personal experience with infidelity might be interesting for some – thanks for sharing if anyone feels like it for any reason- but it only covers one person’s story and it is not really what my topic is about, it is more about what to do in general to change/re-program our reaction to and perception of fidelity if it is possible etc. Not about how it usually is, but how it possibly could become.
I have never experienced “infidelity”, neither by being cheated on by a man nor cheating on any man…but it doesn’t mean I live in a hut out in the blue and haven’t seen the striking effects up close and real thru fellow human beings, and thus my thoughts and questions, as I am looking for a way to possibly turn this around by maybe adjusting the way we feel/react and think in regards to “infidelity” and that it might not even need to be labeled as this (dishonor is only affecting us if we label it as such – we rule our own buttons), that the actual notion and word “fidelity/infidelity” might almost need to be erased (?), as I am questioning if the “wordly connected” times we are living in are not actually starting to profoundly contradict all this and thus more people will become “victims”. It doesn’t mean that two people should not be honest to each other etc. whatsoever, this is not about honesty in that actual sense, it is rather about not even expecting and be expected to be “faithful” in the classical sense.
Classical wedding vows;
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Do these vows state that a person should not explore other people (or even have close friends from opposite sex etc) and still be supported by his/her spouse?
They can be together and build a life (which is one of the problems for eventually “getting” out when attracted to someone else, is it easier said than done, and result in living in an emotional/physical cage if not being “unfaithful” /exploring in secrecy and thus risking ruining the castle built).
Is it possible to maybe allow the other and oneself to be more exploring instead, a “freepass”…and/or if we would still choose to follow the classical fidelity street, then we might need to re-program our minds when handling the effects of such, as for the moment the effects are rather poisonous, so, could we find an antidote to this poison, as the venoumous snakes are now multiplying much faster and much easier?
Not too long time back (and still today in some places/cultures), a homosexual had to hide his/her natural self, otherwise he/she was considered unfaithful to family values, standards and parents expectations, some kind of infidelity child/parent. It hit harder than a brick. The child’s nature could not be changed, it was a fact, but when parents changed their perception/their reaction-mode to this...then everyone became more happy.
I am unsure if human nature is monogamous for life, for example, viewing the huge divorce statistics indicates that fidelity might be very forced and un-natural.
I do understand this is a very delicate matter and saying “be faithful, unfaithfulness is bad bad and so forth” is the commonly accepted and thus easiest way, and that many who have other views do not even want to/dare to comment here (although some have sent me interesting private messages) and thus reveal their true feelings about this matter, that it is unconventional and thus not easily addressed without risking being misunderstood nor jabbed at etc., but It is a real deal that needs to be considered/addressed either way and hopefully you out there who have your own views, un-copied from the commonly book, can take this chance to help me get some answers and also try to figure out the possibilities.
By writing all this, I am not taking sides, like saying that I think being unfaithful is right. As said, I have never been unfaithful, but I am looking for comforting and new angles for those who are or could be affected by such situation, for more modernized and easier way to go on and not go down.
Hi again WORLDMIND... (I am dubbing you WORLDY... after reading your first review.. LOL) Well WORLDMIND... I have to be honest here.. and at times my honesty makes me appear ummm... as one who has been too "worldly" herself.. But so be it.. Not the first time I've run over myself with MY OWN BUS!! HaHa... I cannot view your profile to view your age, how you speak, your thoughts etc... So I am shooting off the cuff here... I have had numerous "affairs" with MM in my time.. as well as cheated on my spouse which turned into an avalanche errupting in my life... So my "findings" are from LIFE EXPERIENCE and not derived from some skewed statistic... (Stats are rarely more true than REAL LIFE... as most ppl lie.. The ones who say they do.. don't ...and vice versa!) Jeez.. I hate putting out here again what a horrible person I have been at times and how much needless SUFFERING I created by my own actions.. But here goes: WORLDMIND, I have never seen ONE POSITIVE reflection arrive from DECEPTION... IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE... I have also never seen ONE POSITIVE thing stem from a man or a woman who is left feeling as if they were not "good enough" to satisfy their spouses emotional or sexual cravings.... Jealousy, insecurity, doubt.. All normal human nature and responses... come to play in the sandbox with this issue. When I cheated.... my ex said "It isn't the physical act that bothers me... it is the BETRAYAL." Does it happen more now than ever? Probably.. Stress in life, devalue of morals, quickie divorces, lack of caring, blaming other party.... So many reasons... But the main factor is DISHONOR.... I doubt there are too many couples who get married with the vows... FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.. Omitted... What tore me up inside the most was that I not only betrayed my husband, but I betrayed my children, our friends.. and at the end of the day.. I BETRAYED MYSELF... It has taken over 13 years for me to pull most of the pieces together.. and make sense of the trauma. I saw my children suffer dramatically and nearly decapitated all our lives in the wake of destruction... There is a certainty I will STAKE MY LIFE ON....
BETRAYAL= HEARTACHE... No 2 ways around it... It is NEVER pretty...
(Hence.. EASYMAN's point of GET OUT if you are supposed to be monogomous and can't be! And this is for married people or not!)
The institution of marriage is derived on the premise of fidelity... If 2 people do not wish to follow those guidelines, and they are HONEST with one another about it, then I personally hold no issue. It doesn't affect me.. But if LIES, DECEIT, MANIPULATION are involved, etc.. Then it is WRONG.. regardless... I don't want my GF lying to me about my butt looking big.. nor do I want the man I made vows to lying to me about where his butt (and other parts) have been! ... Not IF those vows were based with intention of FIDELITY... I select FIDELITY if and when I find my "knight!"
I defended a woman's blog here who was married and seeking... WHY? B/C she stated she had an "open marriage" and her husband didn't care. Do I understad this premise of marriage? No, I do not.. HOWEVER, I admired the woman and her husband for being HONEST regarding the others needs and addressing the issues in their marriage and seeking a solution... I would never presume one solution is the only answer. We all differ.. However, marriage is based on FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.. So to dismiss this is what we should strive for I feel does mankind a disservice... If an individual needs to lose 40 lbs.. do they give up on being successful after having a twinkee one day? I quit smoking 4 times this year... Does this make me a "failure".. I don't think so... I think it makes me human and fallible... Every day I wake up and start over again.. trying to be a better person...
Does infedelity exist? YES... Do I understand the desire B/C it feels good and one might desire the feelings that come to play with it? YES.. I also desire to eat 3 pieces of chocolate cake from Sun Dial @ the Westin... with ice cream (YUMMY!!) BUT.. If I ate three pieces... THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES! Starting w/ a belly ache.. and ending in being over-weight! So this may be a decision I might want to "weigh" (haha) the facts of pros and cons.. Is it worth the added weight and tummy ache.. I said NO and only ordered one piece...
Is INFEDELITY worth the heartache our children go through, or our spouses and friends..
NO.. It is not... There are OTHER REASONS PEOPLE CHEAT... Sexual satisfaction is only the icing which sits atop the cake... taunting us like prey...
If all we wanted at the end of the day was the icing.. you'd see us all ordering a can of icing for dessert. The fact is.. INFEDELITY is not "exactly" about sex... It's about the WHOLE CAKE that is missing on our menu...
As EASYMAN stated... "having sex" is rarely just about.. "having sex".....
Hi again WORLDMIND... (I am dubbing you WORLDY... after reading your first review.. LOL)
Well WORLDMIND... I have to be honest here.. and at times my honesty makes me appear ummm... as one who has been too "worldly" herself.. But so be it.. Not the first time I've run over myself with MY OWN BUS!! HaHa...
I cannot view your profile to view your age, how you speak, your thoughts etc... So I am shooting off the cuff here...
I have had numerous "affairs" with MM in my time.. as well as cheated on my spouse which turned into an avalanche errupting in my life... So my "findings" are from LIFE EXPERIENCE and not derived from some skewed statistic... (Stats are rarely more true than REAL LIFE... as most ppl lie.. The ones who say they do.. don't ...and vice versa!) Jeez.. I hate putting out here again what a horrible person I have been at times and how much needless SUFFERING I created by my own actions..
But here goes:
WORLDMIND,
I have never seen ONE POSITIVE reflection arrive from DECEPTION... IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE... I have also never seen ONE POSITIVE thing stem from a man or a woman who is left feeling as if they were not "good enough" to satisfy their spouses emotional or sexual cravings.... Jealousy, insecurity, doubt.. All normal human nature and responses... come to play in the sandbox with this issue.
When I cheated.... my ex said "It isn't the physical act that bothers me... it is the BETRAYAL."
Does it happen more now than ever? Probably.. Stress in life, devalue of morals, quickie divorces, lack of caring, blaming other party.... So many reasons... But the main factor is DISHONOR.... I doubt there are too many couples who get married with the vows... FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.. Omitted...
What tore me up inside the most was that I not only betrayed my husband, but I betrayed my children, our friends.. and at the end of the day.. I BETRAYED MYSELF... It has taken over 13 years for me to pull most of the pieces together.. and make sense of the trauma. I saw my children suffer dramatically and nearly decapitated all our lives in the wake of destruction...
There is a certainty I will STAKE MY LIFE ON....
BETRAYAL= HEARTACHE... No 2 ways around it... It is NEVER pretty...
(Hence.. EASYMAN's point of GET OUT if you are supposed to be monogomous and can't be! And this is for married people or not!)
The institution of marriage is derived on the premise of fidelity... If 2 people do not wish to follow those guidelines, and they are HONEST with one another about it, then I personally hold no issue. It doesn't affect me.. But if LIES, DECEIT, MANIPULATION are involved, etc.. Then it is WRONG.. regardless... I don't want my GF lying to me about my butt looking big.. nor do I want the man I made vows to lying to me about where his butt (and other parts) have been! ... Not IF those vows were based with intention of FIDELITY... I select FIDELITY if and when I find my "knight!"
I defended a woman's blog here who was married and seeking... WHY? B/C she stated she had an "open marriage" and her husband didn't care. Do I understad this premise of marriage? No, I do not.. HOWEVER, I admired the woman and her husband for being HONEST regarding the others needs and addressing the issues in their marriage and seeking a solution... I would never presume one solution is the only answer. We all differ.. However, marriage is based on FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.. So to dismiss this is what we should strive for I feel does mankind a disservice... If an individual needs to lose 40 lbs.. do they give up on being successful after having a twinkee one day? I quit smoking 4 times this year... Does this make me a "failure".. I don't think so... I think it makes me human and fallible... Every day I wake up and start over again.. trying to be a better person...
Does infedelity exist? YES... Do I understand the desire B/C it feels good and one might desire the feelings that come to play with it? YES.. I also desire to eat 3 pieces of chocolate cake from Sun Dial @ the Westin... with ice cream (YUMMY!!) BUT.. If I ate three pieces... THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES! Starting w/ a belly ache.. and ending in being over-weight! So this may be a decision I might want to "weigh" (haha) the facts of pros and cons.. Is it worth the added weight and tummy ache.. I said NO and only ordered one piece...
Is INFEDELITY worth the heartache our children go through, or our spouses and friends..
NO.. It is not... There are OTHER REASONS PEOPLE CHEAT... Sexual satisfaction is only the icing which sits atop the cake... taunting us like prey...
If all we wanted at the end of the day was the icing.. you'd see us all ordering a can of icing for dessert. The fact is.. INFEDELITY is not "exactly" about sex... It's about the WHOLE CAKE that is missing on our menu...
As EASYMAN stated... "having sex" is rarely just about.. "having sex".....
Must say, I wrote the blog about infidelity by impulsive thoughts, and now I am starting to realize that this might be something more than I first gave it credit to be, and thus, I have checked some more about the subject and noticing that there is a lot out there to read..even if much of it tend to try to sweep this under the rug or sugarcode it and give hopes for a better future and comfortmirages to "infidelity victims".
Rather needless to say, research in general is hard to really trust, as there are many studies and "facts" contradicting eachother, the limited amount of cases studied can never tell the full and proper story of populations, and in this case, it is a very delicate matter and maybe one of the hardest to actually examine, due to honestylevels and also definitions of infidelity. Many people do not admit for themselves even, nevertheless to someone else - especially when conducting infidelity despite happy relationship.
Reasons for infidelity vary much, this is an individual situation, meaning every situation is unique in its own way and the reasons behind it. Factors vary across ages, cultures, moral standards etc. So many possible reasons..such as "lack of sense of independence and control", sexaddiciton (adrenaline rush due to chase, conquest etc.T. Woods had it all but still..), ego, unsatisfaction at work/career, in fitness, age, income etc as many find the pressure of society risen and can simply not keep up and need to vent and get some kind of indication of success, and seeking validation etc by others than "the explored/known" factor/ones partner, which leads to some type of infidelity as it can be the missing comfort piece..or sometimes to check if their partner still cares at all, which shows by their reaction to eventual infidelity..and in some cases the relationship is actually over but still "going on".and this finalizes it for sure, making infidelity kind of a scissor.
Regardless of reason, a person might be able to learn new ways facing and even defining such situations..
A bit to read on this subject.
1) "More people appear to be cheating on their spouses - Love, sex and the changing landscape of infidelity"
2) ---"Emotional infidelity is the redirection of emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, to a person or persons outside a relationship.The level of intimate involvement can extend from in-person involvement to online affairs. Emotional infidelity, as compared to physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering.---"
---"David Atkins, a research associate professor at the University of Washington in Seattle, outlined the problems researchers face in getting accurate information on the subject. Responses to the survey question "Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse while you were married?" aren't clear-cut, he said. "The first thing we have to grapple with is honesty. We know that is a significant issue," he said, explaining that research published last year found that some won't admit infidelity in person but will anonymously. Also, some people interpret sex as intercourse and others don't, he said---"
---"The new-found popularity of internet chat rooms has contributed largely to infidelity. Never before has it been so easy to engage in the dating scene and meet people while maintaining the stability of marriage. Chat rooms provide a dilemma because some view them as a forum for fantasies and illusions that are simply just communication rather than physical acts. In a sense, they are a place where married individuals can engage in guilt-free excitement. However, everyone feels differently, leading to extreme gray areas. What might start off as meaningless entertainment obtained by communicating with a stranger in a chat room could eventually lead to the establishment of an actual online or cyber relationship---"
---"A study by Beatriz Lia Avila Mileham in 2004 examined the phenomenon of online infidelity in chat rooms, a process whereby individuals involved in a long-term committed relationship seek computer synchronous, interactive contact with opposite-sex members. The following factors were investigated: (a) what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and how it happens; (b) what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship ''on the side''; (c) whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and (e) what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages.The results lead to three constructs that symbolize chat room dynamics and serve as a foundation for internet infidelity. They include:
Anonymous sexual interactionism
Behavioral rationalization
Effortless avoidance.
Anonymous sexual interactionism refers to these individuals' predilection for anonymous interactions of a sexual nature in chat rooms. The allure of anonymity gains extra importance for married individuals, who can enjoy relative safety to express fantasies and desires without being known or exposed. Behavioral rationalization denotes the reasoning that chat room users present for conceiving their online behaviors' as innocent and harmless (despite the secrecy and highly sexual nature). Effortless avoidance involves chat room users' avoidance of psychological discomfort by exchanging sexual messages with strangers. Happily married individuals also join such rooms.---" Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Chat_rooms_and_infidelity
3) ---"ABA Journal, a publication of the American Bar Association. Facebook was named the "unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence" with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent. "Social networking is fairly new, so people are creating their own rules. It's ultimately up to the spouse to decide if and how this type of behavior will affect their relationship."---
4) ---"there are many websites specifically dedicated to helping husbands and wives cheat on each other. Not only is it easy to find romantic interests online, but a lot of people do not consider online affairs to be cheating---"
5) ---"The culprit in all of this is Internet anonymity. It leads to connections that wouldn't be made offline. It also encourages participants to share more about themselves with online partners than they do with their spouses, says researcher Beatriz Mileham. Her University of Florida study on Internet infidelity looked at 86 cyber-cheaters.-"
---"In almost every example, the online relationships began as curious friendships, but soon became more.---"
The facts remain, Info Tech society, this modern world has made infidelity playground limitless and fidelity harder and more toothless than ever. My questions and thoughts remain, can/should we re-program/update our definition/mindset regarding fidelity?
(even if only to reduce our own/loved ones possible suffering)
Must say, I wrote the blog about infidelity by impulsive thoughts, and now I am starting to realize that this might be something more than I first gave it credit to be, and thus, I have checked some more about the subject and noticing that there is a lot out there to read..even if much of it tend to try to sweep this under the rug or sugarcode it and give hopes for a better future and comfortmirages to "infidelity victims".
Rather needless to say, research in general is hard to really trust, as there are many studies and "facts" contradicting eachother, the limited amount of cases studied can never tell the full and proper story of populations, and in this case, it is a very delicate matter and maybe one of the hardest to actually examine, due to honestylevels and also definitions of infidelity. Many people do not admit for themselves even, nevertheless to someone else - especially when conducting infidelity despite happy relationship.
Reasons for infidelity vary much, this is an individual situation, meaning every situation is unique in its own way and the reasons behind it. Factors vary across ages, cultures, moral standards etc. So many possible reasons..such as "lack of sense of independence and control", sexaddiciton (adrenaline rush due to chase, conquest etc.T. Woods had it all but still..), ego, unsatisfaction at work/career, in fitness, age, income etc as many find the pressure of society risen and can simply not keep up and need to vent and get some kind of indication of success, and seeking validation etc by others than "the explored/known" factor/ones partner, which leads to some type of infidelity as it can be the missing comfort piece..or sometimes to check if their partner still cares at all, which shows by their reaction to eventual infidelity..and in some cases the relationship is actually over but still "going on".and this finalizes it for sure, making infidelity kind of a scissor.
Regardless of reason, a person might be able to learn new ways facing and even defining such situations..
A bit to read on this subject.
1) "More people appear to be cheating on their spouses - Love, sex and the changing landscape of infidelity"
2) ---"Emotional infidelity is the redirection of emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, to a person or persons outside a relationship.The level of intimate involvement can extend from in-person involvement to online affairs. Emotional infidelity, as compared to physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering.---"
---"David Atkins, a research associate professor at the University of Washington in Seattle, outlined the problems researchers face in getting accurate information on the subject. Responses to the survey question "Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse while you were married?" aren't clear-cut, he said. "The first thing we have to grapple with is honesty. We know that is a significant issue," he said, explaining that research published last year found that some won't admit infidelity in person but will anonymously. Also, some people interpret sex as intercourse and others don't, he said---"
---"The new-found popularity of internet chat rooms has contributed largely to infidelity. Never before has it been so easy to engage in the dating scene and meet people while maintaining the stability of marriage. Chat rooms provide a dilemma because some view them as a forum for fantasies and illusions that are simply just communication rather than physical acts. In a sense, they are a place where married individuals can engage in guilt-free excitement. However, everyone feels differently, leading to extreme gray areas. What might start off as meaningless entertainment obtained by communicating with a stranger in a chat room could eventually lead to the establishment of an actual online or cyber relationship---"
---"A study by Beatriz Lia Avila Mileham in 2004 examined the phenomenon of online infidelity in chat rooms, a process whereby individuals involved in a long-term committed relationship seek computer synchronous, interactive contact with opposite-sex members. The following factors were investigated: (a) what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and how it happens; (b) what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship ''on the side''; (c) whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and (e) what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages.The results lead to three constructs that symbolize chat room dynamics and serve as a foundation for internet infidelity. They include:
Anonymous sexual interactionism
Behavioral rationalization
Effortless avoidance.
Anonymous sexual interactionism refers to these individuals' predilection for anonymous interactions of a sexual nature in chat rooms. The allure of anonymity gains extra importance for married individuals, who can enjoy relative safety to express fantasies and desires without being known or exposed. Behavioral rationalization denotes the reasoning that chat room users present for conceiving their online behaviors' as innocent and harmless (despite the secrecy and highly sexual nature). Effortless avoidance involves chat room users' avoidance of psychological discomfort by exchanging sexual messages with strangers. Happily married individuals also join such rooms.---" Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity#Chat_rooms_and_infidelity
3) ---"ABA Journal, a publication of the American Bar Association. Facebook was named the "unrivaled leader for online divorce evidence" with two-third of attorneys citing it as a primary source of evidence, followed by MySpace at 15 percent and Twitter at 5 percent. "Social networking is fairly new, so people are creating their own rules. It's ultimately up to the spouse to decide if and how this type of behavior will affect their relationship."---
4) ---"there are many websites specifically dedicated to helping husbands and wives cheat on each other. Not only is it easy to find romantic interests online, but a lot of people do not consider online affairs to be cheating---"
5) ---"The culprit in all of this is Internet anonymity. It leads to connections that wouldn't be made offline. It also encourages participants to share more about themselves with online partners than they do with their spouses, says researcher Beatriz Mileham. Her University of Florida study on Internet infidelity looked at 86 cyber-cheaters.-"
---"In almost every example, the online relationships began as curious friendships, but soon became more.---"
The facts remain, Info Tech society, this modern world has made infidelity playground limitless and fidelity harder and more toothless than ever. My questions and thoughts remain, can/should we re-program/update our definition/mindset regarding fidelity?
(even if only to reduce our own/loved ones possible suffering)
I'm with Hoping on this one...I agree with her 99% of the time. Hoping no ones is perfect, so I will not hold the other 1% of the time you're wrong against you. :) The "modern world" is royally screwed up.
I'm with Hoping on this one...I agree with her 99% of the time. Hoping no ones is perfect, so I will not hold the other 1% of the time you're wrong against you. :)
The "modern world" is royally screwed up.
Although there are numerous "studies" on the topic of men and cheating, there has been only one to date that actually dug below the surface to determine why men actually cheat. I don't remember the study authors name but I could easy find out if anyone is that curios but essentially it broke out something like this: 65% of men who cheated did so because they felt their emotional needs were not being met 12% of men cited sex as the primary reason for cheating
Women have been so brainwashed into believing that men are just dogs that will cheat and screw anything or anyone at the drop of a hat that I bet the those two numbers will be alarming.
In another study by famed socialogist (and probably the worlds leading authority on marriages and why they fail), University of Colorodo Professor Scott Stanley says in his book "A Lasting Promise" that relationships have two forms of commitment: 1) emotional and 2) confinement (house, cars, kids, friends) and that the emotional commitment can end long before the confinement commitment is broken and that once the pain level from the emotional side of the relationship becomes greater than the pain level required to break the confinement commitment, then the relationship will end.
The first author (I really wish I could remember his name and the title of his book), also goes on to list the signs that men will exhibit BEFORE they cheat... which is extremely interesting.
Personally, I think as long as you're honest about it, up to the point where you agree to be monogamous, you are entitled to see as many or whomever you choose. I am not now seeing anyone on any level so I can click on view, chat with, meet for coffee as many women as I choose and I owe no one any explanations for my actions.
I also think that once you commit, you have a moral obligation to be true to your word and when you have reached the point where you can no longer honor that commitment, it's time to leave the relationship.
Oh, and for the record, other studies have shown (repeatedly) that just as many women cheat as do men and they do it just as often. The two primary reasons are: 1) they are not emotionally satisfied in the relationship and 2) differences in sexual compatibilty with their current partner.
Although there are numerous "studies" on the topic of men and cheating, there has been only one to date that actually dug below the surface to determine why men actually cheat.
I don't remember the study authors name but I could easy find out if anyone is that curios but essentially it broke out something like this:
65% of men who cheated did so because they felt their emotional needs were not being met
12% of men cited sex as the primary reason for cheating
Women have been so brainwashed into believing that men are just dogs that will cheat and screw anything or anyone at the drop of a hat that I bet the those two numbers will be alarming.
In another study by famed socialogist (and probably the worlds leading authority on marriages and why they fail), University of Colorodo Professor Scott Stanley says in his book "A Lasting Promise" that relationships have two forms of commitment: 1) emotional and 2) confinement (house, cars, kids, friends) and that the emotional commitment can end long before the confinement commitment is broken and that once the pain level from the emotional side of the relationship becomes greater than the pain level required to break the confinement commitment, then the relationship will end.
The first author (I really wish I could remember his name and the title of his book), also goes on to list the signs that men will exhibit BEFORE they cheat... which is extremely interesting.
Personally, I think as long as you're honest about it, up to the point where you agree to be monogamous, you are entitled to see as many or whomever you choose. I am not now seeing anyone on any level so I can click on view, chat with, meet for coffee as many women as I choose and I owe no one any explanations for my actions.
I also think that once you commit, you have a moral obligation to be true to your word and when you have reached the point where you can no longer honor that commitment, it's time to leave the relationship.
Oh, and for the record, other studies have shown (repeatedly) that just as many women cheat as do men and they do it just as often. The two primary reasons are: 1) they are not emotionally satisfied in the relationship and 2) differences in sexual compatibilty with their current partner.
First of all, thank you for welcoming me to the blog section and happy if my egg inspired to your apple :)
I am not a blogger by any means anywhere, so this is my actual debut. If the actual truth is the new “cynical”..then so be it. :)
Oh..not disheartening at all, on the contrary these are thoughts/questions regarding eventually freeing ourselves and being able to better understand and handle so called “infidelity”..looking at it from a new angle maybe..more logically.
You are referring to the possible EFFECTS of obesity…the possible effects/risks you are mentioning are actually not depending on obesity.
These effects (stroke etc) can strike any person in any health state, the odds may increase being obese, smoking, having “delicate genes” etc. but regardless - diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure are situations that can hold their own and get to any pre-healthy or not person.
The same goes with infidelity, especially today, it holds its own, not depending on any other matter than constantly activated laws of attraction and might strike anytime, anyone, anywhere.
My point is that it is not necessarily and probably in more cases than ever before, "the same old infidelity-reason-story"..an effect of a “bad relationship” (a bad relationship might become the effects of “infidelity” on the other hand), it is the matter of a new kind of "world" and then we seem to be kept in the old days mindset of asking for and feeling the urge to keep the general traditions of fidelity, when our information society has changed the whole map of interactions and relationships..
My thoughts are about that we might need to re-program ourselves into the new world and not become so shattered when and if we find out that our partner has “emotional and physical” activities beyond our set relationship, as we might ourselves be doing the same in one way or the other, even if being in denial.
Right/wrong decision? What is that 2012? Keeping another human in a fidelity-cage or letting them be free to explore this new world of evergreen attractions? What about ourselves…do we want to be kept in that same cage or is this impossible today, if we do not move to a faraway village living onlinelessly..but who wants to pay that price?
Humans inner signals include infidelitious thoughts since mankind’s existence, we have been able to tame this Infidelity beast for generations, but my thoughts are about if we still can keep this beast in the cage (as InfoTech society of today makes it harder than ever)…or should we just let it free and not even call it infidelity, just call it f r e e?
Just thinking out loud…regarding the fidelity profile of our modern world.
I will be more than thankful for even more takes, answers and thoughts on my thoughts/questions from everyone :)
Dear Hoping4love2000,
First of all, thank you for welcoming me to the blog section and happy if my egg inspired to your apple :)
I am not a blogger by any means anywhere, so this is my actual debut. If the actual truth is the new “cynical”..then so be it. :)
Oh..not disheartening at all, on the contrary these are thoughts/questions regarding eventually freeing ourselves and being able to better understand and handle so called “infidelity”..looking at it from a new angle maybe..more logically.
You are referring to the possible EFFECTS of obesity…the possible effects/risks you are mentioning are actually not depending on obesity.
These effects (stroke etc) can strike any person in any health state, the odds may increase being obese, smoking, having “delicate genes” etc. but regardless - diabetes, stroke, high blood pressure are situations that can hold their own and get to any pre-healthy or not person.
The same goes with infidelity, especially today, it holds its own, not depending on any other matter than constantly activated laws of attraction and might strike anytime, anyone, anywhere.
My point is that it is not necessarily and probably in more cases than ever before, "the same old infidelity-reason-story"..an effect of a “bad relationship” (a bad relationship might become the effects of “infidelity” on the other hand), it is the matter of a new kind of "world" and then we seem to be kept in the old days mindset of asking for and feeling the urge to keep the general traditions of fidelity, when our information society has changed the whole map of interactions and relationships..
My thoughts are about that we might need to re-program ourselves into the new world and not become so shattered when and if we find out that our partner has “emotional and physical” activities beyond our set relationship, as we might ourselves be doing the same in one way or the other, even if being in denial.
Right/wrong decision? What is that 2012? Keeping another human in a fidelity-cage or letting them be free to explore this new world of evergreen attractions? What about ourselves…do we want to be kept in that same cage or is this impossible today, if we do not move to a faraway village living onlinelessly..but who wants to pay that price?
Humans inner signals include infidelitious thoughts since mankind’s existence, we have been able to tame this Infidelity beast for generations, but my thoughts are about if we still can keep this beast in the cage (as InfoTech society of today makes it harder than ever)…or should we just let it free and not even call it infidelity, just call it f r e e?
Just thinking out loud…regarding the fidelity profile of our modern world.
I will be more than thankful for even more takes, answers and thoughts on my thoughts/questions from everyone :)
Awww... So cynical... I know it gets disheartening at times.. and if we allow negative statistics to get us down.. it can seem like lasting love is darn near impossible!!
I have heard many a story regarding things such as FaceBook connecting people emotionally and then they hook up physically.....
However, the one thing people should remember is..
Regardess all the social networks, date sites, co-workers, etc.. No matter the avenue used:
Just as high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, diabetis, etc... are all symptoms of obesity...
"Cheating / Infedelty"..... at the end of the day..
Is only a SYMPTOM in a diseased relationship... Married or not..
We still have a CHOICE is making the right decision or the wrong one. To say we will never utilize FaceBook B/C we might be "tempted" one day when an old school crush finds us, etc.. is about as ridiculous as saying.. "I have to lose weight, so I will never go to grocery store again." Perhaps don't go when HUNGRY! LOL...
Temptation will always rear it's ugly head.. We just have to be smart about how we react to it...
It is sad though... :(
WELCOME TO THE BLOGS WORLDMIND! :)))
Awww... So cynical... I know it gets disheartening at times.. and if we allow negative statistics to get us down.. it can seem like lasting love is darn near impossible!!
I have heard many a story regarding things such as FaceBook connecting people emotionally and then they hook up physically.....
However, the one thing people should remember is..
Regardess all the social networks, date sites, co-workers, etc.. No matter the avenue used:
Just as high blood pressure, stroke, heart attack, diabetis, etc... are all symptoms of obesity...
"Cheating / Infedelty"..... at the end of the day..
Is only a SYMPTOM in a diseased relationship... Married or not..
We still have a CHOICE is making the right decision or the wrong one. To say we will never utilize FaceBook B/C we might be "tempted" one day when an old school crush finds us, etc.. is about as ridiculous as saying.. "I have to lose weight, so I will never go to grocery store again." Perhaps don't go when HUNGRY! LOL...
Temptation will always rear it's ugly head.. We just have to be smart about how we react to it...
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