Member's Blog > Rezi1983's blogs > Is Your Relationship Costing You Too Much?
Is Your Relationship Costing You Too Much? Sort by:
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Posted on Sep 26, 2013 at 11:12 PM

Have you ever blamed yourself for giving too much in a relationship? If you have, you’ve probably felt resentment for not getting back what you feel is owed for all your effort. On top of that, if the man you gave so much to has moved on to someone else, it feels like that woman is now getting the benefits that should have gone to you.

Thinking about how you gave so much can keep you awake at night, as you beat yourself up for being so foolish.

But a better use of that time would be to ask yourself why you let yourself give so much and get so little in return? What drove you to settle for crumbs when you were feeding him the whole cake? The answer is simple. You were in a “pay as you go” relationship.

How does that happen? Most likely things started out strong and it seemed like he really cared. But most relationships (unless you’re with “the one”) start to fizzle and burn out and that’s when we women panic. We start to feel that it’s up to us to get that “loving feeling” back.

We might suspect that this man isn’t our Mr. Right, but the fear of being alone or starting over again drives us to try and make it work. We get the crazy idea that if we show him how much we love him and how good we can be, they’ll naturally respond back to us in kind. But it doesn’t work that way; in fact it’s the opposite.

So how do we show them how we feel? We start “to pay” for love. For example: we’ll do laundry, clean the house, shop and cook, buy presents and treats, give money, or generally go out of our way to tend to their needs. None of these actions are wrong, but it’s the intention behind them that counts. We put effort, time and money into getting a man’s interest back but we’re killing ourselves in the process. We pay and pay and get little to nothing in return.

In a healthy relationship, both partners have to give their all. They have to be 100 percent invested. If you’re “paying as you go” you’ve tipped the scales and not in your favor. So ask yourself if you’re feeling resentful that you’re “owed” something in your relationship. If you are, it’s a good indication that the feelings between the two of you are no longer mutual. If you keep “paying” that feeling is just going to get stronger and things will get worse. It’s a signal to stop giving and pull back.

If stopping causes him to step up and start giving back, the balance is restored. But if nothing changes, it means you’re still in a “pay as you go” relationship. It’s a sign that what you had is no more and it’s probably time to walk away.

Have you been in this situation? If so, how did it work out?

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Posted on Sep 28, 2013 at 02:02 PM

Hi Dakota

Thank you for your comment - we need to hear things like that


Hi Rezi

Far too many couples still live in the blaming game, the struggle for power and control - a losing game for all concerned and if we only give to get, we have already lost.

I believe any kind of relationship requires open communication and if we can be truthful to ourselves and each other about whether the relationship makes us happy or not, we create a win win.

"Paying" for someones love, affection or attention has nothing to do with the other person - its about self worth.

We need to enjoy each other while we can - be loving, before, during and after - be open and honest to ourself first and then to the other person and from there we can both choose to let go or committ


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Posted on Sep 28, 2013 at 09:06 AM

Hi there,

Was in a seven-year with a soulmate who wouldnt step up and commit for marriage. The overgiving syndrome creates resentment and causes us, as women, to become people we don't want to be. It makes us lash out or use the wrong kind of communication to try to get our needs met, as we are meeting theirs. With a lot of coaching and some therapy I learned that it isn't healthy not to have quiet boundaries on what we give without getting. THe first rule is to choose masculine men, who will always give first. They are elevated and feel good when they give, and actually feel emasculated when the woman can't receive or is overgiving. If you choose a man like this, then you must be in your feminine energy and be willing to receive. If you do not choose a man like this, he may step up and you may feel better if you relax and don't continue to give after a small amount, so he has the room to step forward. If we keep filling the spaces with our giving, the man will receive the signal that there is no room or no need for him to do so. If a man still won't give of himself, investing ideas, emotion or money in you, it is a mark of high self-love and esteem that you stop and consider taking some time apart or moving on so you can look at your own motivations in love.


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Posted on Sep 27, 2013 at 10:39 PM

Hmmm.....interesting topic Rezi.  I think we have all been in a one-sided relationship before.  Giving in a relationship is probably never equal....because people have different things that they bring to the table.  For me, the notion of fairness is more important than equal. 


I give to the other individual because I truly want to....and not because I expect something back in return.  This promotes a type of score keeping which most certainly is unhealthy in a relationship.  I give because it makes ME feel good to be able to express my feelings toward the other through a kind or thoughtful gesture. 


It's kinda like when you give someone a gift.  You don't put conditions on the gift.  ie....the sweater I gave you for your can only wear it on may never put it in one of your garage sales.  It's a gift!  Once you give's no longer yours.  When you do or give something to your lover, it shouldn't be because you expect or hope they behave in a certain way.  To do so is folly.  You can not control someone else's behavior.  You can only control your own behavior and your responses to their behavior.


I'm not very good at knowing where the line is when a relationship becomes too unfair.  But I do know when the line is crossed....and....when I've had enough....I'm through!  I don't cry about it, but instead choose to focus on the good times, the new wisdom gained and the future.


I agree with Liv.  Resentment is a bitter bile that can ruin your health, your humor, your looks....your life!  It is important and possible to control your feelings.  By not putting strings or conditions on what you 'give' in a relationship, you can avoid the negative effects of resentment on your life. 

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Posted on Sep 27, 2013 at 11:37 AM

There's no point feeling resentment that you are owed so much. It eats you away like cancer. Without meaning to sound harsh, how are you owed so much? You gave it away freely, sadly it was not returned. Just rant and vent a little while to understanding friends/family - or alone or if you need to fly a kite or run wildly across a field whilst screaming your head off or whatever you need to do - just do it and wash the idiot out of your system. And tell yourself, you are better than this and you certainly deserve better.


To answer your questions as to if we've been in this situation and how it worked out, here are my answers:


Yes I have been in that situation in my marriage and in a long distance relationship I had with a guy. In my marriage I was the glue - the sane, loving, dutiful, faithful, loyal, strong, supportive, adorable wife and mother. The other party took, took, and took some more. The fact is it takes two to make it work, but it doesn't take two to break it up - that only takes one. When the glue gets worn out, due to over-use, the house of cards falls apart. Until two people commit to make their marriage or relationship work, the one who is bearing the burden unfairly is wasting his or her time. So to answer your second question - it never works out unless the other partner lagging behind starts to pull his or weight to make the relationship or marriage work. Even if the giver chooses to remain in the frustration, that would never be a truly happy union. There would be resentment and mega-backed up frustrations.


As for my long distance relations which was post my marriage - I am an extremely calm and patient person - so I gave this guy a very long rope. But because I have been down that path before I could spot it very quickly. It was an utter waste of time. I ended it without hurting anyone! See, life is too short, it's either you are with someone whom you love and want to give all to and who loves and appreciate you back or you are not. But the secret is to love yourself first, be contented with your own company and your own life....the rest will sort itself out...eventually. It is a well-known fact that people are generally more attracted to happy, satisfied or successful people than they are to sad, depressed, bitter and melancholic folks.


Be happy, take pleasure in being you and don't let things that you cannot control get you down too much. Ponder them, learn from them, improve on yourself and move on or move up higher! Don't waste your bile on being bitter - it is a health hazard!


That's my humble opinion from my own experience. 



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Posted on Sep 27, 2013 at 08:46 AM

For someone so young, I am impressed with your insight. I have been in the same situation and it didn't work out. Seemed that I was doing all the giving and there was very little given in return, not even spending time with me. Even though it has been several years, it will still keep me up at night on occasion and has probably affected my ability to be a giving person. However, I am working on that and can honestly say I would do it again with "the one" if he should ever come along.

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