As I was saying yesterday - or was it today? Could've been last week or last year. Then again it was more likely tomorrow. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today. However, tomorrow becomes today, so how can you put it off as it soon gets done tomorrow, which becomes today?
Going back to the subject in hand, I never grasped what it was as the palm was open and the fist got stuck. Therefore, the thumb ruled, though the fingers tried to get in on the action. Mary prevailed and her five sisters worked overtime to inspire the mountain to erupt.
I know Tay, I'm at it again. Did I ever stop or was that someone else? If it was I'll press charges, though I'll have to wait 'til the iron's hot and the steam is on full. The horse power drives the engine and there's motion on the ocean, though it's not the size of the nail, it's the hammer that's driving it - who are they kidding????
Friend of mine popped in today and we were talking the usual girlie talk, you know, what's the best power tool around, which screwdriver holds it's charge, are extension leads a necessity....but that's enough about the bedroom......
Anyway, subject got on to kissing and what was the weirdest experience we'd had. Hers was snogging the face off a guy she'd met at a club.
She was half cocked (drunk) and, as you do, she didn't have any type of conversation with him, just sort of fell into this face meld. She discovered halfway through he had no tongue! Good kisser though....
I asked her if she saw him again and she replied, ' A tongue in the mouth is worth a maggot in the bush, a vacant orifice in the loftiest of towers means the dungeon?can't release the?prisoners'.......
Translation?...if he aint got a secondry device to back up what may be lacking and the sign language is limited, what's the point?!'.......well, it made sense to me!....LOLOLOLOL
Your hair doesn't go white with fright. That was a rumour generated by Rip Van Winkle.
See, he'd arranged to meet his rather fetching better half one night. She had a headful (probably a backful and frontful too....but we won't go there) of dark tumbling shiny locks. But the silly bugger fell asleep -¿Rip not girly.
Over the course of ooh, let's say¿twenty years give or take one or two or half a dozen, he woke up. Girlyfriend was sitting there patiently. She had no choice really arthritis had set in. Anyway, where was I?..Oh yes, he woke up.
Now, during his mega slumberathon, he'd developed macular degeneration...it's age related you know, not sleep related so slumber away, within reason of course, twenty years is a stretch even for me....anyway.....
He just jumped up. Now, she had thought he was dead and was counting his assets...he had a lot, at least twenty years worth - greedy bitch - looked at the old bird and let out an enormous fart. Frightened the crap out of her it did..... why men generate such wind is beyond me.....and all he could make out was this fine halo of glossy white floss. And assumed - as men do - that the fright had caused the white!
Sleeping beauty had no such problems of course. She snored all the way through a century.
Poor young prince didn't realise he had a ripe one till he put the ring on her finger. She'd insisted on remaining prostrate 'till the wedding. It took a day for the wrinkles hiding round the back to make their journey south, plus she couldn't stand due to muscle wastage.
He eventually lost his Kingdom to the team of personal trainers who had a right job tying knots everywhere.
So there you have it, scientific fact from the land of the alternate.
Ok, ok, hands up. I may have appeared to be somewhat obsessive about a certain bodily function. But the buggers deleted my blog so, what's a girl gotta do...lie down and take it like a man?
I've just been reading Trey's blog (he peeked, so I peeked back) and, I have to agree with him. It sure has become tame round here.
Bodily functions apart....though the more flak I get the worse I CAN become....what is all this with, 'Oh, where's my true love and will I ever find the one and what do I do with him/her once I get him/her....
It seems to me that you're talking your way out of finding what you're looking for. We all have faults...well, I don't, cos I'm perfect...and before any of you say anything to the contrary, it's MY world and I'm perfect in it.
I have the most amazing jelly belly that moves in sync with any tune you care to play.
My glass eye shines like a star after a good polish.
My wooden leg...elegantly carved ?of course...has a state of the art latch that undoes itself at the mere hint of a fumble.
The hair on my hump is softer than the softest down, (I use a conditioner made out of the pee of the multi horned He-goat that lives on the cultivated ?crop of the giant marijuana plant situated in.........but I digress)
My teeth are like pearls, sometimes green, sometimes black, rarely off white.....but with a great bite.
And you've never seen a smoother dome once I've removed my hairpiece.
As I said, perfect!
Anyhoos, as I was saying, actually, what was I saying...dementia, runs in the family. Everyone should have a touch of it. Cos if you can't remember the bad times, you'll always look forward to the good ones.
I'm getting really racked off with this. Has anyone noticed when you post a blog, Question marks materialize out of thin air and the spacing between paragraphs are either light years away from each other, or squashed together like sardines in a tin.
I've just spent the last 10 minutes editing my other blog. Everytime I took the Question marks out the spacing got bigger, everytime I corrected the spacing the Question marks reappeared.
Now, the Question is this; Are the Question marks Questioning the Question? If it is Questioning the Question what reply would the Question warrant? Would the Question justify the means or would you Question why a Question mark would appear in the first place?
You have to take the Question of the Question mark into account of course, else the Question would have no basis to the Question in hand
If you had a Question in hand, it wouldn't really be a Question, unless you knew sign language and if you knew sign language would you sign a Question off as a rule of thumb?
If the thumb ruled and the Question was signed off, would the oral version have the same impact?
You can shout the Question or, you could slap someone with the Question and that would leave a mark. Hence, the Question mark........There! I've answered my own question, top marks for me and there wasn't a slap in sight!
Then I met a friend I hadn't seen for a year or so. She'd given up not long after our last meeting. Now, this girlie was 5'8" and size minus zero. No t*ts, no arse, no waist, no fat not anywhere. 12 months later, healthy, slightly more wealthy and a size 16 (UK). she came a knocking on my door. I went straight out and bought 5 sleeves of fags. If I get any bigger they'll be harpooning me!
Then I decided to give up......Men
Now, in order to give up men, you have to have one or two in the first place....totally unrealistic. So, I had a fag (cigarette)
Then I decided to give up.......sweets
This time of year?...aint gonna happen. So I had a fag to take my mind off the pile of chocolate begging me to eat it.
Then I decided to give up.......drink
But I realised that if I didn't provide my body with some form of liquid, I'd eventually pop my clogs. So, I had a fag to think about things
Then I decided to give up......gambling
I bet myself I could do it...so that was a non starter
Then I decided to give up.....swearing
But the f**king w*nker that backed into my car put paid to that
Then I decided to give up......nothing
Life's too short to put totally unrealistic obstacles in my way. .......
So I celebrated by having a fag, placing a bet on the three legged¿nag in the 2.30, whilst stuffing my face with chocolate and snogging the face off the sexy f**ker fixing his van outside the pub. LOL
Well, it's not exactly 'new' is it? Happy Another Year could work or Happy Following Year or maybe even Happy Next Year.
As I was saying to my friend the tooth fairy.....we became friendly after she accidentally deposited a rather splendid gold tooth under my pillow. She had no choice really, I wrestled the bitch to the floor for it....
'Toothy flying thingy babe', (she hated that) 'What do you think of this New Year malarkey?' She looked at me rather askance...that may have had something to do with the way I'd tied her upside down from the ceiling (she had another gold tooth I wanted) and mumbled something incoherent...note to me, take the gag out of her mouth....
I guessed from her expression that she had something important to say.....so I ignored her.
Next Snow White came in the door, munching on an apple...some people NEVER learn.
Rapunzel had nits and Sleeping Beauty was her usual comatose self, despite the copious amounts of coffee I was turkey basting down her throat.
Prince Charming didn't have any and Rumplestiltskin was still smarting over Snow Whites comments that he looked like the eighth dwarf...a sort of missing link.
The evil step mother was busy polishing her mirror with Cinderella¿s hairpiece....that woman is sooo mis-understood......oblivious to the fact that Cinderella was still attached to it.
The mushroom was getting pretty full at this point, so I continued to eat it. By the time I'd finished, everything was getting back to normal.
The singing ringing tree finally stopped singing, the leprechauns finished burying their gold and Father Christmas finally admitted he was real. Alice did wonder what land she was in but who the f**k cares.
Happy Alternate, Alternative, Attentive, Amazing, Awesome New, Nearly New and Here in the Now Year LOL
Gemima fussed about making sure everything was neat and tidy, well! she couldn't have Clarissa's look of disapproval if it wasn't. An hour or so later there was a knock on the door, her guest had arrived.
Clarissa strutted in....(as usual) and her little beady eyes took in her surroundings. 'Humph! You've been busy Gemima' Gemima was quite pleased, that was indeed a compliment from her friend. 'Oh, you know, just been pottering about' said Gemima. Clarissa had noticed the beads of sweat on her friends brow and thought to herself, 'Yeah, right!'
After an hour or so of idle gossip, Gemima turned to her friend, 'Do you think I've put on weight?' Clarissa looked at the rolls of fat adorning her friend. 'Yep!' Gemima was dismayed. 'Oh, sh*t, I knew I shouldn't've ate that last meal, but he just keeps bringing them in and you know I've got no will power.'
'Well' said Clarissa, 'You'd better get some pretty sharpish, go on like this and you're going to burst' (she never was very tactful) Gemima nodded her head and resolved to tell him at the next meal that he'd need to cut the portions.
The following month, Clarissa again visited Gemima, even she was shocked when she saw her, 'What the hell have you been eating?' Gemima looked crestfallen, 'Well, I did what you said, I told him I wanted smaller portions and he just looked at me, then he put the most wonderful meal in front of me. He'd obviously taken a lot of time and trouble to prepare it. I just couldn't resist'
'You're a fool Gemima, look at you, you're fit to burst!'
'He loves me like this, he told me I was beautiful'
'Is he blind?'
'Don't be so cruel Clarissa, he really does like me like this, he's forever cuddling me, telling me how wonderful I am. I'm quite content you know.'
'That's not contentment, that's greed, I can just imagine you gobbling down anything that comes your way. Listen Gemima, you really must insist, CUT THE PORTIONS.' Gemima assured her friend that she'd do just that.
Several months went by and finally in December Clarissa once again made her way to her friends. She knocked the door but there was no reply, she knocked again getting really pissed that she was standing out in the rain. A voice drifted out to her, 'Door's open, come on in Clarissa'
'Lazy bitch' Thought Clarissa, and pushed the door open. She had to squint in the semi-darkness, in the corner sat an enormous Gemima. 'Good grief! What's happened to you?'
Gemima, it must be said, looked the picture of contentment. 'Oh, I've overindulged again'
'Over indulged! Over indulged!' Spat Clarissa, 'Is there any food left in the world?'
'Don't be mean Clarissa, I told you, he likes me like this. Every day he cuddles me, said he loves a bird with a great appetite'
'Clarissa, I'm fed up with your nasty comments, you're supposed to be my friend. Why can't you just be happy for me'
'How can I be happy for you? If you go on like this you're going to kill yourself. There's something wrong with him, he never takes you anywhere and I'm not surprised with you looking like that!'
'Actually Clarrisa' Said Gemima with a big smile on her face, well it looked like a smile, might've been wind, 'He's taking me to a special dinner tomorrow'
'He's taking you out?'
'Yep! I'm guest of honour' Gemima saw the look of envy on her friends face, 'Yes, that's right, THE GUEST OF HONOUR so you can cut your little remarks'
Clarissa was a bit peeved, 'Is he taking you out after dark?' She couldn't help herself.
'You're so nasty Clarissa, I don't think I want you as a friend anymore'
'Fine by me' With that, Clarissa walked out the door slamming it behind her. Gemima attempted to shake her head but could only manage a wobble. 'Jealous cow' with that, she started to preen her feathers...............
I'm off and running!!!!
Who are you people?
What are you people?
Where are you people?
Are you people?
Why are you people?
How are you people?
When are you people?
Do people, people, people?
Or do people, people, people people?
I dunno people
Do you know people?
If you do know people, do they know you?
If people know you, do you know these people know you?
And if these people know you, are you sure they know you as they know other people, or could it be that the people you think you know, arn't the people you do know, but the people who know the people that know the people that know you.
Funny how a word loses it's meaning if you say it often enough, I mean it could've been Cows....... the mad variety........not that I know any mad cows. There was Mary of course, but she was a bitch...a nice bitch but a bitch none the less.
Not a dog bitch of course. Then again, I do have a dog called Mary and she is a bitch......canine, you know, four legs and a tail, plus other bits 'n' bobs...teats, eight in total. Yep, teeth too and she barks, so she's definitely a bitch....ok, I'll wrap it up now else I'll start on the rest of the crew....not a ships crew you understand...but..oh whatever...............LOLOLOLOLOL
I taut I thaw a puddy twat a cweeping up on me,
I did I thaw a puddy twat ath plain ath plain can be,
and when that puddy twat came clothe,
I went on bended kneeth and thed to that old puddy twat,
don't eat me puddy pweeze.
don't be daft thed puddy twat, but thtay there on your kneeth, I need to fit you in my mouth you'll fit if I can thqueeth,
tho thqueeth thee did thee thqueethed real tight
thee thqueethed me day and thwough the night until thee fit in nith and tight.
tho there we thtayed it wath quite good it felt jutht like a dweam
forget the cat I'll have you know it wath me who got the cweam!
I think I thought, when I thought I'd thumped, I think I thought I didn't, so when I think I think I thought and when I thought I thought I think, I thumped instead.
Now you may think that thumped is thought and thought is thumped but if you think you're thinking what I'm thinking, I think you'll find that what I was actually thinking was nothing more than a thought I thumped...............I think!....LOLOLOLOL
King A. Nus was sitting on his throne pondering one day, he got to thinking about his many subjects.
The first to come to mind was Sticky Poo, well not to mind per se, but you know what I mean. Anyway, Sticky Poo was a clinger, King A. Nus had a bugger of a job to get him out, Botty Wipe always had to work overtime when on Sticky Poo's shift.
Then there was Connie Stapation, she was an illegal immigrant and wherever she settled, no amount of persuasion would entice her to poke her head out the back door.
S. Litherer, was a different animal altogether, boy once he started moving NO ONE could stop him, in spite of his haste, you could always count on him to follow through.
Then there was G. Astric, he had a gambling problem. The last two he bet on had him running to King A. Nus, suffice to say, Hoof Hearted and Ice Melted showed early pace but were left in the stalls.
Di Arhea was a bit of a loose woman, but on certain days she gave King A. Nus a welcome release.
All in all his subjects served him well.
Now if he could only work out Connie, he could look forward to a pleasant day...where did he put that pencil?......LOLOLOLOLOL
Betty Boob stood proud.....twice.
Hardy Rooster decided he didn't like his other name.
Terence Turkey went on a diet, he didn't appreciate the innuendos regarding his eating habits.
Sally Hit wished people would refrain from initialising her first name.
Connie wanted to learn the lingus....or was that lingo?
Fella Latio was hard of hearing....were the guys saying sock cooker....didn't make sense.
Jen hit all with her peas...she wasn't a popular girl....she never understood why.
Vera Gina kept crabs as pets....she wasn't popular either.
Rhea had gone in reverse....she certainly knew how to clear a room.
Silly Phylis lost the plot and ended up in an asylum.
S. Hag was a very good pump attendant.....
All in all they were a motley crew, but were highy contagious once you got to know them......LOLOLOLOLOL
SSSSSid the sssssnake wassssss going to the Doctorsssss, it would've been the sssssshops but all thisssss hissssssing wasssss getting on hissssss nervesssss.
He'd ssssso decided to do sssssomething about it.
The doctor quesssstioned him on hisssss lovelife.
'Do you hissssssss, when you make love?'....he would've said when you have ssssssex, but the hissssssing wasssss ssssstarting to grind on him too.
'Only when I arrive' sssssaid Sssssid the ssssnake.
'Try practicing tantra', sssssaid the doctor. 'Failing that, we'll unfork your tongue.'
Sids hissing stopped soon after, but his wife left him, she couldn't cope with a single entry....LOLOLOLOLOL
Roger the rabbit hopped along to the carrot shop, he'd put himself on a diet of spinach.
Even though he liked the new set of biceps he'd developed, he'd started to lose his sight. So, carrots were the order of the day.
Bernie the St Bernhard, was quaffing from his bottle, singing a rather iffy love song to the one legged poodle sitting talking to Daffy the Duck.
Daffy had just rebuffed Gordon the goat, he'd butted into a conversation she was having with Lenny the lion and completely ruined the punchline.
Punch had left Judy at home with Freddie the Flea, he'd hopped over the day before on the back of Katerina Kitten, who'd left Willy the Whale singing the blues.
Derek the dog was busy humping Terry the tortoise, actually, he THOUGHT he was humping Terry the tortoise, turns out it was a helmet that Carlos the camel had dropped on his way to the Sahara.
Minnie the mouse was in turmoil, Sid the snake, had in sssssissssted that she leave the chunk of cheese to Willy the Walrus, he so liked a chunk when not in tune with the moon.
The moon was full by the time Roger the Rabbit got his carrots....the lights were out when he got home. Which resulted in him falling over the coffee table, banging his head and causing a tail bleed.
The next day he was back on the spinach. He told the shopkeeper, 'Carrots don't make your eyesight better. It's a load of b*llocks'....
To which the shopkeeper replied, 'F*ck me, a talking Rabbit'......LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Hello, my name is Bum, Cheeky La Bum if you want to know my full title.
I'm also known as Arse, not Ass, that's a different animal. It has four legs and makes a peculiar noise. I've been known to make noises too. But someone else always gets the blame.
Someone once called me Bottom, I couldn't quite figure that one out. I'm not at the Bottom, I'm somewhere inbetween.
There are some who call me Fanny, but that's my next door neighbour, she's a lovely girl, a bit tight sometimes, but I've got the squeeze on that!
The one I'm most fond of though is Derriere, it's so chic...that's CHIC, not sh*t, though I have been known to spout a bit of verbal sometimes.
I also like Gluteus Maximus, sounds rather grand, doesn't it. But all in all I'm quite happy with my little Bum.
Though as I get older, it's starting to spread. Still at least I'll have a comfy seat in my old age.
Cheeky La Bum
It was a hot, humid day Betty cast off his raunchy ants and put his plates of meat in a cold, cool bowl of slaughter.
The trouble and strife tried very hard to catch his pie, but his pie was busy checking out the rusty song showing her wares to all the toys.
For those in the whistle and flutes, they too had Betty Swollocks. But no amount of cold slaughter was gonna cool those vestibules down.
What are you saying?....buggered if I know but thank god I don't have a three piece suite....I gather it's rather uncomfortable when your Swollocks are Betty......LOLOLOLOLOL