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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Thu, Jan 24, 2013 12:58

Idiot of the day:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
 
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."



Lulu in Dallas

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Windrider735
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Posted on Mon, Mar 11, 2013 08:27

Hi Lulu,

Great giggles to start the morning. Here's another one for you to enjoy...

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved...foreard, then backward...forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out, in and out.

Her face was flushed, her heart was pounding...then she moaned, softly at first, then louder and louder until finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"Okay, okay, so I can't part the f***ing car. You do it, you smug b*****d!"



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Tue, Feb 05, 2013 06:45

It's all about the guys!!

 

What does it mean when a man is laying in bed calling a woman's name and gasping for breath?

She's hasn't held the pillow down long enough.

 

What do you give a man who has everything?

Answer 1)   Penicillin.     or
Answer 2)   A woman to show him how to work it.

 

Why are all jokes about women one-liners?

So men can understand them.

 

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?

Because they've forgotten what happened.

 

How many men does it take to wallpaper the dining room?

Four if you slice them thinly.

 

 



Lulu in Dallas

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Sun, Feb 03, 2013 10:50

CLASSIC....

A fifteen-year old boy walked into a pharmacy. "How much is it for one condom?", he asked the pharmacist. "Sorry, son, but they only come in packs of three and they're $3.50," said the pharmacist. "Darn," said the disappointed boy, "I don't have enough money. And today I was planning on getting lucky with my new girlfriend." "Well," said the pharmacist, "in that case you can take a box for free." "Gee, thanks!!!" yelled the boy as he dashed out the door holding the box of condoms.

That night, he was at his girlfriends' house, and everyone was seated at the dinner table, ready to eat. They all said grace with bowed heads, and then they began eating. As dinner progressed, the girl noticed that the boy's head was still bowed. "I didn't know you were so religious," she whispered to her young boyfriend, impressed.

"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist," was his reply.



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sat, Feb 02, 2013 19:57

There are three men sitting at the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives while the third man remains quiet.

 

 

 

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?

 

 

 

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

 

 

 

The first two men were amazed. "What happened then?" asked one of them. " "She said, get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

 

 

 

 

 



Lulu in Dallas

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Jenkneee
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Posted on Sat, Feb 02, 2013 12:25

It isn't a "joke" but it is a funny note.

 

 


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DONTFITMOLD Recommended
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Posted on Fri, Feb 01, 2013 20:54

some blondes on MM seem to move around.... wowoodanod

 

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."


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D ( @ )( @ )

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Fri, Feb 01, 2013 20:32

***Comes in "Whispering"~~~ LOLOL... 

 

Okay Lovely LULU... 

 

BASEBALL IN HEAVEN~~

 

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."


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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Wed, Jan 30, 2013 17:58

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.”


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Lulu in Dallas

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Livnlov
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Posted on Mon, Jan 28, 2013 13:11

I needed that laugh Lulu and Hope! 

 

Thanks a lot!

 

Liv.



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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Sun, Jan 27, 2013 22:33

Oky Miss LULU.. The Princess has decided to go with the "HILLBILLY" theme for your amusement when you awake! (Loved the one that finally posted below too BTW) 

Hillbilly Birth...

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, 'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

******

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.

The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.

 

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

 

~~~~~HAVE A GREAT MONDAY EVERYONE~~~~~

 And be kind to rednecks.... (Hillbillies) They are the same.. right? 



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sun, Jan 27, 2013 09:45

Thanks Hope. After running around with clients, something that puts a smile on my face is all I need. And maybe a glass of wine!!

 

Hugs



Lulu in Dallas

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Sun, Jan 27, 2013 09:04

Thanks for the laughter LULU.. 

 

Hope we can keep it going! 

 

WELCOME TO THE BLOGS!! 

 

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. 

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband 
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sat, Jan 26, 2013 20:54

Who's the boss??

 

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached home.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

 

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

 

When I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.



Lulu in Dallas

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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sat, Jan 26, 2013 09:53

Quoting bt99340:

with the day I had today THANK YOU !!!!! for putting a smile on my face



You're welcome. Glad to be of help



Lulu in Dallas

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bt99340
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Posted on Fri, Jan 25, 2013 16:26

with the day I had today THANK YOU !!!!! for putting a smile on my face



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