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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Fri, Feb 22, 2013 06:37

...it ended with credits rolling and music playing. There was so much to it that I decided to put it to words.

 

 

I am writing a book from a dream I had a couple of years ago. Since English is not my first language, I am always looking for critique on what I do. Below are a couple of paragraphs from the story. These do not connect in the story. They are randomly chosen. I would love it if you, my blog friends, would give me your opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ned’s mind brings him back to the present when a dog barks at him from an apartment on the second floor of the building to his right. He turns down one of the alleys and continues walking and stopping from time to time to collect cans from the trash bins behind some of the businesses. His mind travels with each door he passes. There is the electronic store where Mr. Allen works. Ned has helped the elderly gentleman moving some heavier equipment around. A couple of doors down, is Cho’s Dry Cleaning. Ned has made friends with the owner, Mrs. Cho. She hires Ned from time to time when she needs help with cleaning the floors. Further ahead is the bakery and Mr.  Fitch. Ned helps him with some of the cleaning and getting the trash out.  Living in the little town is like having an extended family. Everyone is friendly and helpful. Ned continues down the alley. He bends to pick up a bottle and the label transports him back to when he was sixteen…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Ned continues on his way, whistling and thinking about the feast he carries in the bag. He cuts through the park as he usually does after getting his meals and hears commotion coming from just out of his sight. There is a young family coming from the same direction as Ned. Mom, dad and a little girl who carries a banner with a team logo and they seem to be walking back home from the game. Ned veers from his course to see what’s happening when he hears four shots and two men walk out of the shadows. The young family, witnessing the crime, runs away from the area hoping that they were not seen, while Ned picks up the pace back on his way without looking back and turns down the alley that leads to the highway overpass he calls home. He is almost out of the alley when suddenly, out of the darkness, the two men appear and attack the unsuspecting man. He struggles with them trying to save what little he owns. The entire ordeal lasts about ninety seconds but to Ned it seemed to go on for hours.  Finally, one of them picks up a pipe that lay on a pile of trash by the dumpster and strikes him in the head mumbling something in the process. Ned falls to the ground next to the pile where a broken music box laid…  


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Lulu in Dallas

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Livnlov
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Posted on Sun, Feb 24, 2013 06:19

Lulu,

 

I like the paragraphs that you have posted so far and since I have not read anything more, you can only take my comments as far as the posted paragraphs, but I am inclined to think these would be representative of the rest of the novel? Anyway, I think what I read so far is interesting, captivating and very descriptive. So I could 'see' what Ned saw, what he was doing and how the town was. It paints a clear imagery. And I think it is vivid, imaginative and very good.

 

Liv.



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sat, Feb 23, 2013 19:08

Thanks RMac;

 

The entire story came to me in a dream. There are car chases, police corruption, murders, kidnapping, witness protection and like I said, credits were rolling and Elton John singing "Tiny Dancer" at the end.  The story revolves around the little girl in the second paragraph. She is the tiny dancer in the story and is in witness protection.

I see what you're saying about using different ways of expressing what I'm saying. I will make a go at it and word it differently to see if it falls into place like I want. If it doesn't work I will leave it as is. I have been writing in the same style forever and it would be good to learn to change things since all stories cannot be told the same way or they would become boring.

 

By the way, I started the "Library Guy" story in another blog and thought it would be fun if we all copied and pasted and added to it to see how far we can go.

 

Hugs

 

 



Lulu in Dallas

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rmac22
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Posted on Sat, Feb 23, 2013 08:44

OK a quick pass at one of the paragraphs.

 

Ned’s mind brings him back to the present when a dog barks.  Startled, he sees the dog in a second floor apartment to his right.  He turns down one of the alleys.  He stops from time to time to collect cans from the trash bins.  His mind travels with each door he passes. There is the electronic store where he has helped Mr. Allen, an elderly gentleman move some heavy equipment.  A couple of doors down is Cho’s Dry Cleaning.  Ned has made friends with the owner, Mrs. Cho.  From time to time, she hires him to help clean the floors. Further ahead is the bakery and Mr. Fitch.  Ned helps him with some of the cleaning and getting the trash out. He reflects that living in this little town is like having an extended family.  “Everyone is friendly and helpful,” and he continues down the alley. He bends to pick up a bottle, sees the label, and is transported him back to when he was sixteen…

 

I have no idea if this is better or worse.  If I was writing the story I would likely keep on tweaking this one way or another until it was mine, not yours.  Since I don’t know where this is going.  I have the feeling that I might be destroying things rather than helping. 

 

RMac

 



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