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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Tue, Mar 12, 2013 05:34

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! 

 

 

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

 

 

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

 

 

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

 

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

 

 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

 

_________________________________________


A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!  

 

 

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

 

 

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.  

 

 

 "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. 

 

 

 "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

 

 



Lulu in Dallas

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Mon, Apr 22, 2013 16:14

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

 

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. 

Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. 

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Sun, Mar 24, 2013 20:49

One day a blonde finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is

 

cheating on her. So one day she goes out to the mall and buys a gun.

 

After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the

 

door and points the gun at her head.

 

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

 

"Shut up! You're next!"


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Lulu in Dallas

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Franchesca09
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Posted on Sun, Mar 24, 2013 12:15

Wow!  Poor mortician!  Too funny!



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Diana3316
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Posted on Sat, Mar 23, 2013 22:46

Luv the golf jokes Lulu.  Those were really good!



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Fri, Mar 22, 2013 21:29

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"



Lulu in Dallas

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Tue, Mar 19, 2013 11:36

LULU-- You are always making me laugh!! 

Keeping with the tone here....

*********

A woman was in bed with her husband's best friend, when suddenly the phone rings.. 

After hanging up, she looks to her lover and says, "That was Harry. He won't be home for a while. He says he's playing cards with you..." 

 

WOOPS!! ;)

 



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Curious2078
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Posted on Mon, Mar 18, 2013 16:25

Ah!  Another good laugh.  Thanks so much, Lulu.



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Thu, Mar 14, 2013 05:52

Quoting Curious2078:

Thanks for the laughs!!! Very funny.  In fact, I'm going to copy them and email them to friends. 

 

Have a swell evening.



Thanks Pat;

 

Here's another one for you.

 

 

 

 

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

 

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

 

"Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

 

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

 


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Lulu in Dallas

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Curious2078
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Posted on Wed, Mar 13, 2013 19:10

Thanks for the laughs!!! Very funny.  In fact, I'm going to copy them and email them to friends. 

 

Have a swell evening.



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