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DONTFITMOLD
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Posted on Mon, Mar 04, 2013 17:00

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm over worked.

 

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

 

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

 

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

 

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

 

You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.



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DONTFITMOLD
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Posted on Sun, Mar 17, 2013 15:55

The Postman's Last Day

 

 

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 


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Windrider735
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Posted on Tue, Mar 12, 2013 23:45

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.

 

"Once again, the old man just groaned.The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police.

 

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

 

"Fred," the old man moaned.

 

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

 

With pain in his voice Fred replied; "The balcony."



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Mon, Mar 11, 2013 21:59

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real b***h this time."



Lulu in Dallas

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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Mon, Mar 11, 2013 16:10

LOLOL... Little LULU!!

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!



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Windrider735
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Posted on Mon, Mar 11, 2013 09:57

This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."



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Jenkneee
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Posted on Thu, Mar 07, 2013 20:28

I love that daybed on the beach, and with an adjustable suncover!!  It'd be even better if I could share it with someone :)



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DONTFITMOLD
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Posted on Thu, Mar 07, 2013 19:40

Quoting RealtorLulu:

Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women come home they go to see what's in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, see what's in bed then go to the fridge.

 



Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven.


Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die.

 


So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose.
When I got back to the apartment she was lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex.
So I checked under the bed and there was no one there.
I checked in the closet and there was no one there, so I looked on the balcony and there was some guy hanging from the railing.
I got so angry I beat his hands until he fell, then I ran back in the apartment, grabbed the refridgerator, brought it back out, and dropped over the railing right on top of him. Then I was so mad I had a heart attack and died and came here."
St. Peter said, "It sounds like you've had it rough, so I'll let you in."

 


The next man walks up and gets asked the same question.
So this man says, "I was in my apartment when I slipped and fell over the railing.
I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartement below me but then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fell.
Then he goes and dumps this refridgerator on me and I wound up here."
St. Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.

 


Then the third guy comes up and is also asked the question.
This guy replies, "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early.
So I go and hide in the refridgerator..."



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DONTFITMOLD
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Posted on Thu, Mar 07, 2013 17:36

Quoting Mtnsunny:

Only difference is your in the office and I'm in my office reading the jokes.  8)



Mounds...I couldnt agree more


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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Thu, Mar 07, 2013 05:35

Quoting DONTFITMOLD:

B++ do anything 4 a smile

 

 

Hoping....sorry I tired you out...was it good for you???

 

 

Lulu...My Favorite greenie 

 

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

 

 

 



Why are married women heavier than single women?

When single women come home they go to see what's in the fridge then go to bed. A married woman comes home, see what's in bed then go to the fridge.

 



Lulu in Dallas

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DONTFITMOLD
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Posted on Wed, Mar 06, 2013 19:05

B++ do anything 4 a smile

 

 

Hoping....sorry I tired you out...was it good for you???

 

 

Lulu...My Favorite greenie 

 

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

 

 

 



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Posted on Tue, Mar 05, 2013 08:07

Always a treat to read your posts....MOLD.   Good laugh and made my day. 



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Hoping4Love2000
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Posted on Tue, Mar 05, 2013 07:20

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! Yes MOLDY--- But when I'm reading the jokes, I am also exerting effort to respond to them... 

 

Thereby making me.......

 

T-I-R-E-D!! ;)

 

Miss ya! ;)



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RealtorLulu
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Posted on Tue, Mar 05, 2013 05:52

I hope this makes it better for both of us!!


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Lulu in Dallas

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