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Bethanieann
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total posts: 13
Posted on Fri, Mar 02, 2007 12:41

The best things in life are when people come in and out and leave special memories behind?people come, stay a while and eventually pass on but why is it that certain people can come in to the picture and leave such a significant mark and others just seem to quietly fade away? I finally met someone who I feel can play a significant role in my life even after I have been open about everything with him, yet at the same time I am afraid that I have been too open in decision making and may have scared him off? to give my lover the option to stay with me, a small insignificant victim to the game of life, or to go be free in this world and find a worthy significant other. The option has been left open; I cannot afford to fall as hard as quickly as I have before. I have no time to hit the bottom before I can pick myself back up and start anew. I have no time left, What if there is no bottom and I just keep falling and falling? I hate that sensation; never-ending torture of the mind, wondering if he will call back or I have been cut out of the picture completely? I don't think I will be falling anymore. I was very tempted to start using drugs a few weeks back. I've never really done anything like that...now that I think about it, it scares me. But, finally, I have a feeling that I have never felt before. You know the kind when you kiss someone you want so much more but you are afraid of pushing them away? When they touch you, it brings a sense of warmth and security and you can still feel their touch hours later. I don't know what happened to me but I think I have finally met that person, if it is not too late Yes, me, the girl that said it will never happen. I was put away though. Not to be overwhelming but is it possible to just be whelmed? Satisfied? Not satisfied, in fact, left wanting more, so much more...so eager to please yet so...I really hope this works. I'm going to close my eyes and jump into fairy book land where I never have to read his mind aloud again Yet the audacity of another parental figure not much older than myself who claims to watch my every breath as I die suffocating, reaching for one more gasp of air makes the oxygen I breath polluted with his hatred. Like a child yelling one more time daddy. Does he look into my blood shot eyes and feel the pain he has caused me? Raping and beating my soul night after night the morning seems to never come. My inner child begging me to end the torture yet the child that has come of me begs me to put up with it to help him through. Selfishly I swallow more pills backed by a warm southern comfort. Perhaps the only comfort I will feel on this endless night. I start to bleed again. I break out into a cold sweat as I am torn again. Nothing can be done. My phone will not ring with that comforting ?I love you? on the other end. I have no where to go, I have no one to hold me because I have nothing to show except the memories of what I once had. I wish, I wish, what?s done is done but to turn back that key just for one hour, to take beck that 30 seconds of humility?always wondering ?what if? how things would be so different. As the little hand reaches to me in hunger a tear runs down his cheek. I lift the child as he is ripped from my hands. My fear grows to the extent of no other. The cold wretched hand grabs my hair and it is ripped from my head. To the ground again, wondering if I will stand or this will be the end. Cloths ripped off of my trembling body as it happens again. The emptiness, the loneliness. To only be able to see the other side. To feel the warmth of sunlight on my cool fair skin that I felt so recently as he held me. To be able to breathe without asking permission?to live, to die.


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