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Posted on Feb 03, 2013 at 05:55 AM

I made the mistake of asking my ex husband about his dating life today. To which he shrugged and said, “I’m still friends with all of my X’s. They all think I’m a great guy….”

Great, but also bitter.

I didn’t need to say it. He said it himself, “I’m still f*cking pissed at you Amber. I’m f*cking pissed that you gave up on us, on me, on your family. I’m mad that I even have to be out there dating in the first place when I could be home with the people I love the most. You were my magic.”

I stood there in the doorway looking at him, as my heart sunk with guilt. I felt the numb start to creep, the loathing dread. It was like watching us all die by my own gun. The divorce was that. F*cking dreadful.

I remembered when I realized that I could pull the trigger. It was the day I admitted to myself that he had, in fact, let me fall on my face every time I needed him to catch me. Every time I really, truly needed him, he let me fall. I got back up each time, holding a fistful of my own teeth, stronger. I should thank him. I let the hurt of each betrayal drive me toward success. I would do more, I would try harder, I would be better….. and then… and then I would leave him.

How quickly guilt turns to rage…

“You know what, F*ck YOU. I don’t feel bad for you at all, because I asked you not to cross a line with me. I never gave up on us. I asked you to make a choice and you made the wrong one. I told you that it would be a deal breaker and I was quite clear that it was decisive. I warned you that I would not change my mind, and I begged you to consider carefully. I have always, always, always, been the olive branch, but this was not that case. You made your choice.”

It was then that my heart shattered because I had made mine as well….

“I f*cking told you, that you are the only one in this world who thinks I’m magic. Don’t you think that there is day that I don’t wake up to the sting of my choice. I was the magic in our marriage because I believed when you couldn’t. I got tired of being the one to believe in us. I got tired of being the glue. F*ck it. You got what you asked for, don’t put that sh*t on me. You wanted out ; I gave you a door and kicked you to the other side. I don’t need to be magic.”

I have been single now for about a year. I have dated with no claims to magic.  Funny thing I’ve noticed is how few of my dates actually look at me at all. I know this because I look at them long enough to paint a portrait in my head, and I notice the detail of behavior. People speak without words. Our actions are the message.

This is what I know. There will come a day, when one really lucky man, takes the time to realize that he is in the company of magic. He will just need to look at me to know.  He will not be so foolish as to let me get away, nor will he EVER lead me to believe that I am not wanted. I will also never need worry about falling because he will carry me like a princess. I will wait for that fairytale.

In the meantime I will mend my broken heart while I plot to make my millions. I just opened a new business in the heart of beautiful downtown Tacoma.  This is year ONE of my $10 million plan. 

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The Life You Live is a CHOICE- I choose HAPPY :)
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