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ambergbay
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Posted on Tue, Mar 26, 2013 07:03

Thank you for yesterday. Thank you for being you. I am not writing you in regards to the studio, or with any agenda tied to it. I think it is an amazing space, with gifted and wonderful people, but it does not have room for my ideas. I am ok with that, respectfully. Yes, I tested the waters in a most offensive fashion. I needed to know, because I had doubt, and now I do. I know that it is not what I need it to be.

I am writing you as a mother, as a woman, and as a person, humbled by knowing that I need help. I want to change the world, far beyond any one business. I have not lost my passion as a photographer, though I have said I could care less if I take another picture. I was given my talent for a reason, and I need to use the resource if I am going to create the change I need to see in the world. I realized after I let it go, that it was never about money, or talent. Admittedly, I did need the ego boost of success, but it was always about the people. I needed them to love me because I couldn’t love myself, and I treated them like I always wished I had been, or at least I tried. I would give my last breath for even the smallest kindness because I had so little then, in my formital years. My business blew up because of that love Carla. It had nothing to do with my skills in business, or my talent for that matter. There are MANY photographers that I feel are better. You are one of them. Your art is classic, clean, vibrant, and polished. Your blog is NEAT, organized and structured, just like your marketing. I researched you and started making changes on my own blog, a week or so back. The first thing I did was to shorten the titles of each category. There is only one long one now, “Running with Cancer; Tara’s Story. She needs to be a front liner, newly inspired is she. She was fired two weeks after her last round of chemo. She does not want to return to a 9-5 hoping instead to help people, to inspire people, to see life past cancer, because she wants her battle to have been for a reason. If she survived, which she did, she wants it to mean something. I understand. I want to help. I want to help Tara and many others accomplish their dreams of helping others, even if the “other” is family. I want to help, but I need help myself to get there.

 

You know your sh*t lady. I am impressed, and I want to learn, if you will teach me. I had no ideas what I was doing with my first photography business which I have already written “is no more.”  I just ran and worked my ass off, trying in desperation to be what everyone needed me to be.

 

“You can’t ever quit taking pictures Amber! Promise me!!”

 

I can quit taking pictures, and I will if it best for my business. If my energy seems manic now, you should have seen it then, back when I was huge. You have to understand where I started to know how difficult it was for me to reach, let alone thrive. At sixteen I was no better than an animal, the rage and hurt festering far beyond humanity. I was losing myself to evil. I could have easily become one of those kids who shoot up a school, Carla. Columbine. People watched the Sandy Hook footage screaming at their televisions that they can’t understand why all of those precious babies were murdered. Lost souls take what they can not have. If I can’t have love, the love a child should know, you shouldn’t have it either. Savage was the agony of my soul. I understand. I would punch myself in the face when I was young, out of sheer hate of my reflection, because I couldn’t understand why God would birth me from parents that hated me, and then place me in a world where I was allergic to all animals, fur, feather, wool. I am left with snakes and fish? Cold blooded? Am I even human? Why am I so sick? Diseased? Even my breath was taken by asthma. 

 

I promised my mother that I would grow up and tell the world what happened to me as a kid. I made the vow on the very same day I slammed her against the wall with enough force that I thought I had paralyzed her. She was already in a neck brace, recovering from her fourth spine fusion.

 

 If you want to know what I pray for Carla, I will tell you that it has little to do with me. I think about them; the ones that people hate, the ones that hate themselves, earning it by the action of unspeakable crimes. Anger is a byproduct of hurt, primal, because it is easy and groups follow. Very few people linger near hurt, fewer still can bare it themselves, which is why antidepressants are such huge industry. People allow anger, but shun pain.

 

Do you know what repels people even more than pain? Love. There are very few people who allow themselves unconditional love, which is absolute forgiveness. What good does animosity hasten? I have never seen it lead. It is my regret because I myself held onto hurt, and then hate. I pushed for it, expectantly; only trusting that it would come, and that I would need to forgive my own flogging, my own corruption of wishful thinking lent to a train of thought no where near parallel. I would always be betrayed, just as surely as I am my imperfection. We are made to think. Is it any wonder that there is conflict? We will all commit a series of grievous acts in our lifetime; it is written that way by our sin of choice. Even the most devout are not spared from judgment, which is the melancholy of man. Love is the responsibility of knowing the casualties, and spending a lifetime trying to resurrect new possibility from forgiveness.  If it has all been done before in history, how can it ever be rightly written as growth? Change.

 

Change is possible with dreams Carla. That is what I do. I dream. I devoured books as a girl, consumed by every story, to know a page like a face.

 

I need help organizing them into strategy. Can I send you my dreams to see what you make of them? I believe you can help me.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Much Love and Many Blessings,

Amber  

 

What if I created it all again, but this time I had a plan? What could I do with the kind of success that spreads to other people? I can only help people if I am willing to help myself….

 

Can I write you about my ideas? That is what I need most. Someone to look. 



The Life You Live is a CHOICE- I choose HAPPY :)

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ambergbay
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total posts: 42
Posted on Sat, Apr 27, 2013 13:49

Thank you for writing Christine. I write so I can see myself; I am glad to know that you found bits of you in there as well. It must mean I am pretty normal ;)

You are welcome to write me anytime. I will reply as soon as I am able.

Much Love and Many Blessings,

Amber Garibay



The Life You Live is a CHOICE- I choose HAPPY :)

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Dolce2
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total posts: 4
Posted on Thu, Mar 28, 2013 12:07

Dear Amber,

your post is so perfect. It's so nicely written that I just have to read it over and over again. You know, maybe it will sound a little weird, but I like when someone can use the language properly :) And I have to admit that I can find myself in some parts of what you wrote. I agree with you quite deeply.. there are so few people in the world who feels it the same way. And I find it really difficult to find these people around me. So I'd like to ask you if you would like to exchange some letters maybe? :)

Christine



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