It doesn’t stop...Sometimes as human beings we carry the misconception that when we take a break, the universe including time, will slow down with us in order to accommodate our lifestyles. At times we are even so fallible and ignorant that we won't even notice time passing us by until it's too late or better said, until we believe it's too late. It's not totally our fault though; time is rather sneaky, preferring to zoom by unannounced optioning only to rear its head when YOU decide to call it out, like on your birthday. One of the best ways to catch time and expose its sneaky self is to look in the mirror. If you have a second and there's a mirror nearby look in it, what will you see staring back at you? Time, of course. At this moment, standing there looking in the mirror, we as individuals will be divided into two subgroups:
The Pessimist: This type of person will look into the mirror and see only the time that has passed, maybe they will notice their hair graying, or thinning out. Perhaps they will see some weight gain attributed to age or some newly formed crow’s feet. They think of younger days, days of full heads of hair, fully brown colored beards. thin waistlines and smooth skin.
The Optimist: This type of person will also notice the changes taking place, but they will also suck in their stomachs and puff out their chests. They will believe that gray is sexy and that crow’s feet are not a sign of getting old but a sign of wisdom. This person looks forward to the future and welcomes any change time decided to enact upon them. Instead of swimming against the current, this person lets the waves of time carry them.
Why am I mentioning all of this? Because quite frankly, there are too many mirrors in my home. As I am sitting here writing this blog I find myself unemployed, cursed with a burning urge that my life is slipping away, and that I was destined for so much more than to just sit here and watch time pass me by. My last job was as a social worker, and while helping people for 5 years like as I did was such a redeeming career I always felt an emptiness. You see social work is a selfless career. It’s a hard job, the pay is not the best, and while you have the redeeming nature of the work, you also have to deal with very difficult people. It was a taxing ordeal, one which I do not regret but in my heart of hearts knew it was not the right choice for me. Most of my peers loved what they did, and they never minded the mediocre pay, which would allow them to lead a mediocre life. Most of them were seemingly content with this; I remember at times finding myself to be envious of their conformity. I always itched for more, I wanted a job where I could bust my ass, but make money, and live the life and afford the things I've always wanted.
As kids we all have dreams, specific careers we all wish to pursue. While most of us picked something ludicrous, such as astronauts and presidents, and while those career choices most likely did not come to fruition, that didn’t stop a lot of my peers from being tremendously successful in other careers. I remember as a kid dreaming of being endlessly successful and telling myself I don’t want that big of a house just something modest, I was never big on owning a huge mansion, but something I did want was my dream car in my favorite color, a black Lamborghini. I could sit here tell you how much I dreamt about driving that car when I was a kid, but that would discount the fact that even today I still dream about it, only now, when I wake up I'm not filled with excitement. I'm filled with regret and fear that my drive will forever be relegated to my dreams. I am now 28, and heck I have never even been inside of a Lamborghini, and while you may sit there and think of me as petty, the Lamborghini is not just a car anymore, it has taken a deeper, more meaningful entity to me. The car is now symbolic. It has taken the form of a life I envisioned, a life that is rapidly driving away without me in the driver’s seat.
Through all of it I remain cautiously optimistic. Gosh, this can’t be it, I have so much life yet to live. Somebody out there will believe in me, will give me that one chance, and heck all I need is one. They say some people lose their smile when they are faced with a seemingly endless struggle. Me? I've just misplaced mine for the time being. I thank god I am not homeless nor starving, but I will also not hide from who I am, The person who wants more, who wants total success, total happiness, Who wants the grip the wheel of that Lamborghini and see all my current problems and struggles getting smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror. This unemployment situation has brought me to my knees, but I only see that as an opportunity to work my way back up again, except when I stand back up I won't be 5'9" anymore, I'll be 7'10". So the next time you see a mirror, puff up your chest, suck in your stomach, realize that gray IS sexy, and that crow’s feet ARE lines of wisdom and you tell time I send my regards.
Thank you for taking the time to read. Feedback is welcome.