He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out,the
Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George
Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said
'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not
in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all
three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a
good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
All Us Women
MOON OVER MIAMI
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away.......... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I
get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed , then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed
her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde"
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" - "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" HELLLOOOOOOO......,"
answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
I just wanted to say i hope you all have a very merry christmas and a fabulous New Year!
Sorry i havent been around much of late.
The laptop is buggered and im waiting for it to be fixed, so im only online once a week at my folks house.
But i will be back...unless of course i find the man of my dreams between now and when it gets fixed!
I hope you all are happy and healthy, and may God (or whom ever you believe in), bless you and your families.
And heres hoping Santa is good to us!!
Love and cuddles and kisses!!
Lets lighten things up around here and have a pointless discussion!! YAY!!
What does everyone eat for brekky?
I usually go for Cornflakes with light milk (full cream makes me bloated...yuk), with a banana. (when they arent costing AUD$15 per kilo!, due to that darn cyclone larry!).
Sometimes i go with wholemeal toast with peanut butter, and a glass of juice.
Once a month or so i cook pancakes. (Patrick loves pancakes).
I used to live on poached eggs on wholemeal toast, but i kinda got sick of the cooking at brekky time, so i have them for lunch now if i feel the need.
So what does everyone else like??
Does anyone eat dinner for brekky?
I used to when i was younger, but now i realise that pizza at 8am is just gross!!
What is everybody getting their kids for Christmas this year?
I am curious of young kids, and teens, and grown up, and everything in between.
Patrick is getting a Thomas the Tank Engine track set and a "Cars" quilt cover set from me, and some small things from Santa.
(he will also be overly spoiled by his Nan and Pop, and his Aunty!)
I am looking for other ideas to put in his Santa Sack.
Only 58 sleeps to go!!
If i dont stop sneezing, i am going to have some real issues with my nose!!
My allergies have been full force ever since i moved to Queensland.
Anyone got any ideas on how to stop it without antihistemiens?
They make me way to tired.
(moving is not an option lol)
I find it interesting that in America certain words are considered less of a swear word, or less of an insult, than we do in Australia.
For example, when i was younger (like 15,16) they used to play old eps of Jerry Springer here at lunchtime.
I noticed that they didnt bleep out Sl*t and Wh*re and A*shole, but they bleep out B*tch and Sh*t. I find it to be the same nowadays with shows like Dr.Phil, and even the Ellen Degenerous show.
Here, we accept B*tch and Sh*t as almost, everyday words, and you might even hear it on the news or on a show that is still on before kid's bedtimes.
I think that the words Sl*t and Wh*re are very rude and insulting, and i hardly ever use them, and if i do, its not in a vulgar insulting way. (its like calling the coffee table a sodding Wh*re when you stub you toe lol) (but of course, not in front of children) but saying Sh*t on a regular basis is ok to me.
One similarity is the "F" word and also the "C" word.
They seem to be disgusting eveywhere we go (and thank goodness for that).
What do you think in USA and other countries?
What words are considered ok, and what isnt?
Especially on TV when children may be watching?
LOL---anyone interested?? I am!!
I was in labour for 12 hours. I was induced 3 weeks early because of high blood pressure and some other problems.
I had painkillers, and near the end i was made to have an epidural, because i was to tense to dialate. 20 mins after the epi, i had Patrick!
He was 6 pound 15 ounces, and he hardly made a sound. I only needed three internal stitches.
He was beautiful right from the beginning. Not all squished up and red and wrinkly. His nose was flat...but thats the coconut in him LOL.
I breastfed for two days, but he didnt take to it, and i didnt like it, so we went with bottles.
We were in hospital 5 days.
After two days, he discovered he had lungs. That was a shock. LOL
I have it all on video tape. My sister filmed it!
Now, he is nearly three! He will be three on thursday!
I cant believe how fast it has gone!
My beautiful baby boy is now my gorgeous little man!