A man and his wife are pulled over by a cop and here's what happened next;
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
40-ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No boobs Average looking = Ugly, can only be loved by mommy Beautiful = Pathological liar, airhead Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills Emotionally Secure = On medication Feminist = Fat, hates men Free Spirit = Junkie Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person Fun = Annoying New Age = Body hair in the wrong places Open Minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy Drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very Fat Large Frame = Hugely Fat Needs soul mate = Stalker
An okay-looking guy was using a fake online-dating account.
After a few weeks of looking, a girl finally agrees to go grab a coffee with him.
She says she will wear something Yellow, he says he will wear something Green.
At a relatively empty coffee shop, the guy shows up wearing Red instead.
After a few minutes of waiting, an ugly girl shows up wearing something Yellow.
Seeing that an okay-looking guy in Red is sitting alone, she comes up to him and asks him, "Hi, by any chance are you the guy from the online-dating website?"
The guy responds, "No I'm not! Does it look like I'm wearing Green??"
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
She slammed the door of her car with her foot so hard that everyone around had to look. They just couldn’t tell where the boom came from. “Did someone get hit?” one lady asked another that was passing her. A young man murmurs some inaudible line and continues on his way. Those who heard the sound were still looking around for the source.
After what seemed like an eternity, a gorgeous, sexy woman walks out from between two large SUVs where she had just parked her Porsche. Her arms were loaded with books and DVDs to the point of almost not being able to see in front of her. The women who were standing around continued on their way after giving her a stare from head to toe while the men just stared at her. Not one thought about offering some help.But why would them? She was a tall beauty, wearing a tight, red, leather skirt, black, short sleeve sweater with a plunging neckline and black stilettos.
Just a couple of cars away, a very attractive man, who is also walking towards the building with his own set of books and DVDs is watching the breathtaking woman when, out of nowhere, a 1965, white with red leather interior, convertible, mint condition Chevy Corvair flies through the parking lot narrowly missing both, the woman and the man who shocked, stare into each other's eyes in disbelief because the woman behind the wheel, they figure, is at least 90 years old.
After the shock wears off, they continue walking towards the library and he, sheepishly looks at her and says “that kamikaze old lady nearly killed both of us and never even noticed.” “I guess we can’t be too mad at her, we will be her age someday.” She gives him a flirty smile not sure of what to say at that point. He is very attractive and not wearing a ring is the first thing she notices.
While in the library, they continue flirting, neither saying a word. As they walk from aisle to aisle…
...it ended with credits rolling and music playing. There was so much to it that I decided to put it to words.
I am writing a book from a dream I had a couple of years ago. Since English is not my first language, I am always looking for critique on what I do. Below are a couple of paragraphs from the story. These do not connect in the story. They are randomly chosen. I would love it if you, my blog friends, would give me your opinion.
Ned’s mind brings him back to the present when a dog barks at him from an apartment on the second floor of the building to his right. He turns down one of the alleys and continues walking and stopping from time to time to collect cans from the trash bins behind some of the businesses. His mind travels with each door he passes. There is the electronic store where Mr. Allen works. Ned has helped the elderly gentleman moving some heavier equipment around. A couple of doors down, is Cho’s Dry Cleaning. Ned has made friends with the owner, Mrs. Cho. She hires Ned from time to time when she needs help with cleaning the floors. Further ahead is the bakery and Mr.Fitch. Ned helps him with some of the cleaning and getting the trash out.Living in the little town is like having an extended family. Everyone is friendly and helpful. Ned continues down the alley. He bends to pick up a bottle and the label transports him back to when he was sixteen…
Meanwhile, Ned continues on his way, whistling and thinking about the feast he carries in the bag. He cuts through the park as he usually does after getting his meals and hears commotion coming from just out of his sight. There is a young family coming from the same direction as Ned. Mom, dad and a little girl who carries a banner with a team logo and they seem to be walking back home from the game. Ned veers from his course to see what’s happening when he hears four shots and two men walk out of the shadows. The young family, witnessing the crime, runs away from the area hoping that they were not seen, while Ned picks up the pace back on his way without looking back and turns down the alley that leads to the highway overpass he calls home. He is almost out of the alley when suddenly, out of the darkness, the two men appear and attack the unsuspecting man. He struggles with them trying to save what little he owns. The entire ordeal lasts about ninety seconds but to Ned it seemed to go on for hours. Finally, one of them picks up a pipe that lay on a pile of trash by the dumpster and strikes him in the head mumbling something in the process. Ned falls to the ground next to the pile where a broken music box laid…
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:
"This special Valentine's Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. "These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Cuddle Bear
p.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.
I was once told that I believe everything I hear. This came from my ex who was never wrong, of course. There is a reason he is an ex.
He was referring to my oldest son who had been in a motorcycle wreck and the story he told about how it happened just did not set in right with "ex".
Anyway, I am a common sense person and refuse to judge what people say just because it seems weird or unlikely. Strange things do happen and I have seen plenty.
I believe when there is proof, otherwise, I will accept as long as it does not affect or hurt anyone. I accept my children as they are and for what they say. That does not mean that I believe everything they say. I am a mom. We know better. But, if I have a good relationship with someone, especially my kids, I will give them the benefit of the doubt until and unless proven differently. I don't believe, I choose to accept.