Having read many profiles on different dating sites, it is easy to get the impression that most woman are looking for “Mr Nice Guy”. Sample keywords: integrity, loyal, kindhearted, faithful, intelligent, sense of honest, trustworthy, and, of course, “looking for my best friend”. Another common request is for someone “who makes me laugh”. If that is true, then how come Jay Leno is not a sex symbol?
Nevertheless, I am hardly impressed that woman really want Mr Nice Guy. Or, more likely, the women who do indeed like nice guys are probably still married, and I am just encountering those on the rebound for the second (or more?) time. In many cases, such women have been betrayed by their own hormonal urges in the past, and are still trying to figure out what went wrong.
That seems to be the case with Ron, who came to me several months ago with a story. He is truly a nice guy. He never cheated on his wife, even when she would disappear for a weekend, or stay out all night drinking. No, he always made sure his children were protected and provided for. He is as reliable as a Swiss watch: if he promises he will do something next Saturday at 2 PM, you can sleep soundly at night, certain it will get done.
That doesn’t mean he is a pushover. Not at all. He used to run a business, so he knows how to command and to be assertive as the situation demands. Moreover, he is reasonably good looking and makes sure he stays in top physical shape. You could call him a “good catch”, if you like that kind of guy. A mutual friend of ours, Annie, who had a crush on him, would often ask him for help around the house or with her computer, although he never took the bait. I asked Annie what she saw in him. Her answer was simple and stark: “What woman wouldn’t want to be with him?”
Unfortunately, despite his intelligence, that doesn’t mean that Ron always made good choices. I saw him go from one disaster to another. I told him that he was too passive and was not making the effort to find the kind of woman that would be good for him. Because there were always women like Annie around, he would date them just out of convenience, and not necessarily for their qualities.
So he joined a dating site, I think it was eharmony. There he met Ingrid from Miami Beach. Ingrid was strikingly beautiful and a head-turner, even at her age. She had a personal trainer and went kayaking daily on the intracoastal waterway, so her body was firm and shapely. They exchanged notes, but Ron, again the victim of his laziness, decided she was “geographically undesirable”, since she was a 45 minute ride away.
Nevertheless, Ingrid persisted in contacting Ron. This confused Ron, since he could not understand why such an attractive woman was being so aggressive. She lived in a multimillion dollar house; now Ron is doing more than OK, but he is not in the 1%. Finally, he gave her a call. They chatted for a while, and then Ingrid invited Ron to her house for a steak dinner for the coming weekend. Now that is one heck of a “first date” idea that I have come across.
He brought flowers and chocolates and headed down to Miami Beach that Saturday. He did ask her why she was so unconcerned about inviting a stranger into her home. She replied simply. When they spoke, Ron’s son was visiting. Ingrid overheard Ron speaking to his son about making dinner. Ingrid rightly concluded that Ron was a “nice guy” and perfectly safe in her home.
What Ron then told me was rather shocking. Ingrid had been married to a man in New York, who had recently been released from Federal prison. He was running a boiler room, tricking people out of their retirement accounts or college savings plans. If any of you have seen the Wolf of Wall Street, he was of that ilk. Oddly enough, Ingrid still felt a sense of admiration for the wolf. She said, “He could sell ice to Eskimos.” Ron tried to explain to her that he was only effective with certain people, as intelligent people would hang up on him.
Ron said the ex was old, fat, and ugly. Ingrid said that he pursued her for months until she finally gave in. She described how the SWAT team raided their house in Westchester. She waited patiently for him to be released. Now for the shocking part. The ex convinced Ingrid to move to Florida for tax reasons. Then, they would get divorced, a “sham” divorce, in his words, just to protect her assets from the Feds who were still trying to find where he hid all his money.
Actually, it was real divorce, since shortly thereafter he moved in with another woman, with whom they had a child. Shocked and alone, Ingrid went to therapy and even became a Bahai on the advice of some friends. I guess her friends convinced her that she needed to meet a “nice guy”, since the exciting guy she married brought her nothing but heartache and pain. That would explain why she pursued Ron so aggressively.
So they dated for several weeks, until one night Ron sensed that Ingrid was being very cool. In the driveway as he was leaving her home, Ron asked her bluntly, “Do you want me to call you anymore?” After that question, Ron told me that she went into an incoherent rant.
She blurted out, “I thought I wanted to meet a nice guy, just like you. But I’ve found out that I just can’t handle it. I have to go back to therapy this week, I’m not ready.” And on and on in a similar vein.
Ron took it all in and finally replied, “I just asked for a yes or no answer, not a true confession.” With that, he got in his car and abruptly left. I don’t know what he is doing now, but I hope he met a woman who can deal with a nice guy.
I don't know if all of this story is true, parts of it sound plausible, other parts do not. But I am convinced that the conclusion is absolutely true.
Back in ancient Greece there was a prophet named Tiresias. Although it is not clear exactly how this happened, Tiresias was transformed into a woman for 7 years. I mean the real thing, not through surgery and chemicals. He/she got married and even had children. Just as mysteriously, the spell ended and Tiresias was transformed back into a man.
Now this may be an idle curiosity and I am sure there are a lot of sceptics who may be reading this. Nevertheless, if you think about it, there is an intriguing question that only Tiresias can answer. It didn't take long for the gods to bring up this question. The chief of the gods, Zeus, got into an argument with his wife Hera about who experienced greater pleasure during sex: the man, as Hera claimed, or the woman, as Zeus believed. So they asked Tiresias who answered that the woman experiences 10 times more pleasure than the man does.
Hera, angry that he revealed that secret, made him go blind.
Now you can't imagine how liberating this is when a man finally understands it. Several years ago, I used to give seminars to newly divorced men until my new girlfriend at the time felt uncomfortable about it and asked me to stop. Of course, the men could not believe it, especially since they had just left marriages without any affection.
When they typically objected, "My wife was cold and didn't want sex at all." Sadly, I had to explain to him, "Your wife did not want sex with you. That does not mean she does not want sex."
Unfortunately, most men do not know how to awaken the passion in a woman. They are not romantic, they are out of shape, they are clumsy ... there are more reasons than I know about. But for the few who do, they form the basis for a great relationship ... the couple can't wait to see each other, hold and touch each other. Men are so narrow minded, they just want sex, but a woman desires the whole package; as we would say, similarly to Tiresias, the whole nine yards vs the one. It is sad that so many woman want that but don't know how to express it.
Now the dating game is wildly unfair. There are a minority of men who have a surfeit of potential sexual partners, whether due to their looks or charm or status. The rest are almost always in a deficit situation; their biorythms demand relase, but there is nowhere to go. Yet, while they want pleasure, they refuse to learn what gives a woman pleasure. At ten times more than the man, it is much more than mere physical intimacy.
Earlier I asked the question, "Do women settle", now I'll reveal what men will settle for. When they find someone who gives them regular intimacies, then they will settle. They will put up with almost anything for that.
Of course, I am speaking of the masses. Those men who have choices do not fear losing one woman, because they know another one will be available. Hence, they can look for and appreciate the finer qualities that a woman has to offer.
I ran into an old friend, let's call him Chad, this weekend. We went to the cigar bar and he filled me in on the last 5 years of his life. He met a bombshell, call her Linda, and they embarked on a wild, passionate, but stormy relationship.
She was a former model, and she had a classic latina hourglass figure. He told me that men would stare as they walked along South Beach. Strangers would stop him and call him a "lucky guy". At one beach, someone started yelling at them from the 6th floor balcony, again calling him a lucky stiff!
It sounds great, but she wanted marriage and stability. I've known Chad all my life and he is model of conservative stability and careful with his expenses. The problem is that Linda expected a lot and brought strain to their relationship. Chad decided ultimately that he could not enter a marriage arrangement with her and let her go.
Chad went into a year long funk, but Linda went to one of those introduction services looking for some guy to support her lifestyle. She finallly met "Micky" ... an older guy, with multiple conditions, fat, out of shape. The total opposite of the rather handsome and fit Chad. Although not wealthy, he was financially secure, collecting a military pension, social security, and disability benefits.
Micky tried real hard to be indispensible, first buying Linda expensive gifts, then getting her the essentials such as a new computer or a water heater for her house. He was the typical "nice guy", trying to ingratiate himself in this way.
Nevertheless, there was no passion between Linda and Micky. Chad and Linda found excuses to be with each other: to set up the computer, to be a partner for a dance class, to be a workout buddy at the gym, etc. They couldn't keep their hands off each other and often ended up ...
I was surprised, as this seemed out of character. I aske him, "Chad, how can you keep your head screwed on straight in that situation?"
He told me he had come to that conclusion. So he recently joined an online dating service. However, it wasn't working for him, the women seemed unreasonable, always looking to "trade up" (that was his opinion, anyway). I think his head just wasn't into it because of his still smoldering crush on Linda.
After several drinks, he came to this conclusion. He had met with Linda the previous night, and in a moment of unguarded passion they discussed the possibility of marriage. Linda said she still wasn't sure about Mike. Can you blame her? Could an attractive lively woman be happy in that situation. They also discussed the possibility of a shared vacation to Europe.
Chad told me that he blurted out to Linda ... and he absolutely meant it at the time ...
"Let's go to Nice this summer and elope. Then we can take a motor trip through the French and Italian Riviera."
She looked curiously disappointed to him. She told him she wanted to get married first with close friend and family, and then go to Nice for the honeymoon.
The contrast between his really romantic idea and her ordinary, prosaic response brought him back to his senses. You can guess what he decided to do.
I have run across several profiles in which the woman has claimed that she will no longer "settle for good" when she is looking for "great". Some are more strident than others and you have to wonder if any man could even meet their qualifications.
Then there is the flip side. Would a guy so great actually want to be with such a woman? Have they given that a moment's consideration?
So my question is this. Do women have some sort of secret internal rating system for their potential dates, say on a scale of 1 to 100? And do they have an idea in their head of how they would rate on that scale?
For example, suppose she believes she deserves an 80 guy. But in real life the best she can meet is a 50. At some point does she simply give up and settle for some 50 guy? If she does, will she forever be bitter or dissatisfied?
Does she ever think that she is at the level of the 50 guy and she would need to improve herself in some way to be attractive to the 80 guy?