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KaylaAnn
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total posts: 90
Blog title: The Abyss of My mind!
Blog description:People often think I am a complex person...the reality is I am quite simple...perhaps to me! Insight, wisdom can only come from growth inside you. These blogs let you into the wisdom of my world that fits best for me. I feel they can offer some guidance to those who are lost, some insight into the depths of my thought and basically it is a sound board of reflection for me to gain some extra clairity on my thoughts!
My blog address: http://MillionaireMatch.com/blog/KaylaAnn
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Adieu! Adieu! 188 Views 08/20/06
My eyes are tired, the addiction is gone, I found many things I was not looking for and I am ready to say adieu! So this is the last of 3 being posted over what appears now a 24-hour cycle! I do not know what all your reasons are for being here, but for me, when I joined this site, it was due to the pressures of parents, my friends, my co-workers, trying to understand how it is possible for me with all the interests I encounter everyday, I cannot find the one man, who will be able to captivate my attention, win me over and be what I considered to be the best choice for both of us, the lady and the little lady. I just never wanted to settle and why that had been so hard for people to understand is beyond me! So, in all honesty this site has been a group effort for a lot of people in my life. (There selections were nothing compared to my selections for the record, to be honest had a lot of laughs based on what people thought I would fall for) I clicked on one and laughed so hard, I just had to talk to him! Granted there was one other who captured my attention before him, not to hold any false pretenses and he knows who he is and that is our secret and would not want to depreciate him in anyway by not mentioning I acknowledge the fact of him. Nothing makes me happier then to have found these blogs within this dating site. It has been the perfect outlet for me to express my thoughts, beliefs, dreams and desires, make some really amazing friends and learn some valuable lessons I never thought of through ALL of your writing. I joined with the thought of once again, making acquaintances, making friends with the opposite sex and nothing more then that. The normality of my life, which it has become! To my surprise I was captivated, challenged and won over and he did not even have to charm my ass! All an unexpected result which made me weak, frightened, safe, wonderful, confused and at a total loss of what the hell I am doing here in Montreal, loss of control of my emotions, a teenager lost in the thought of the first puppy love, a child who felt she was in a candy store AND the thought of how, this does not fit into my life now and it does not fit into his life right now. I induced the love drug and did not ask for it to really be administered. My whole thought process corrupted by this unexpected circumstance. So needless to say, I may have been the largest pessimist here with you, cause as much as I wanted love, I never thought I would find it, especially here at millionaire match! To list all of you who have touched me in someway would require an explanation and if you all have not noticed, when I start to write, I write. You would be wasting all your time on me glorifying how wonderful you all are! There is only one person who I do not feel is worth my time to say is wonderful and it is not worth it to leave this site with negative words, he gone anyways! You will notice I clicked on all your profiles last night, the reason why is I spent so much time getting to know all of you here, your profiles were not important to me! That was a compliment in a bad way said maybe! My experience has been fruitful here, to know there are real people behind the photo and the words and see it/feel it was amazing to me! So, thank you for your reading eyes, all your judgments, your kind words and your honesty! ***One last important word Alexia. In truth the one rare person who was able to get arise out of me, a person whom I have never interacted with, who I attempted to avoid like the plaque. All of you try to give her a break, show a little compassion because deep down inside her there is a good person screaming to get out underneath all the nonsense if you give her a chance! Maybe I believe in the good in people to much and if I am genuinely wrong, then forgive me! This I say sincerely, Alexia I never met to hurt you with my blog, I opened up myself to be attacked more then I should have at the expense of wanting you to see some truth! That opening up hurt me to do and was done at the expense of me loosing a lot of credibility and breaking my heart more then it needed to be, but I did not know how to do it in any other way, but be completely vulnerable to my thoughts! Sometimes in life, choosing to loose some self-respect and put your ego, your pride in your pocket to humble yourself, is the best choice to make! I was trying to get you to see something your not ready for and I should of seen that in you, nor should I have presumed this was my place. In time, you will not need a place like this to answer your questions. You will be able to answer them yourself! Trust in you and respect in you, because I know you have it in you to do that! *** I leave you all with this last quote: ***I am nobody special, just a common man, with common thoughts. I have led a common life, there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in what respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived, I have loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough! The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, that?s what you have given me! *** See now that quote is what we all want to feel and have another feel for us! Good luck to all you single gals and gents finding your hearts desire in the bottom of your stomach!
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Rectified! 47 Views 08/20/06
The writers block I spoke of in an earlier blog, has been rectified! Not yet posted strangely, must have been too early in the morning to carry out yesterday and I have no care to delete! So if you plan on reading one or the other, choose this one it speaks more volumes! Rectified how? Partly due to one person, a predominate figure, who gives me much to much credit at times, when the credit needs to go to him quite frankly! He has supported me through the years, with never a judgment and has given me more respect then any other human being imaginable and often I wonder why I deserve such from him! He has seen me when I am exhausted in tears and still tells me how beautiful a person I am! He told me the most admirable part of you is your persistence and in what museum did you leave it? What makes you special is your heart is your weapon in life and since when do you let your heart loose the battle? Needless to say, he made me cry and left me to answer his questions with my tears! So not nice! At the end, it was my words I have written here over the past months, that I went back and reread. Blogs and posts reminded me of what I really am and how I am denying myself because of fear and letting it control me! My block was based on fear! God damn fear gets me every time and its always for the same reason! Life is about balance and in order to have balance you need to let go of your fears and part of it is going for the impossible regardless of the outcome! Sometimes it is our own words, which give us guidance to get back to ourselves, not the words of others at the end. Others can only steer you and the rest is up to you! A lot of things crossed my mind over the course of the past few days. I volunteer counseling and mediating with two different groups of people. One situation popped into my mind of words I told person once when I had to go meet them at the hospital for yet there 5th suicide attempt! The worst words I told this person, were, you have 2 choices Edmond, you can either get this right once and for all and I will assist you in giving you the options to make your death happen, so I can just stop having to come here and talk you into feeling better when your not listening to me, cause honestly this is getting tiresome OR you can finally take the tools I am giving you and we will work together to better your life for you and forget about everyone else you have in it. Which one do you choose? Thank god he did not choose the death route! You see I knew these attempts were not based on him wanting to die, they were based on him being too afraid to live and to afraid to do what was difficult for him to do! How does this situation pop into my mind about the simplicities in my life, which I fear? That is just it! They are simplicities! Something to think about for everyone how we complicate our lives when the answer to the simplicities are staring right there in front of us, we just have to reach out and accept the answers we don?t want to dive into because our fear is holding us back! Watch yourself unravel into the solution!
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Unblocking your mind! 20 Views 08/20/06
Laughter, is that not what makes you free? To laugh with genuine nature, smile with a natural glow, to be happy is to be free! I think that?s what I am trying to say here? Being genuinely happy is to be free, maybe! Which then leads me into what is being free? Is to write, is to dance, is it love, is it to color, is it to sing, is it paint? Being free is to let go of your thoughts and just be whatever you want to be at that time isn?t? As you can see I am in that contemplative mood! Sometimes I randomly just turn up the music to its highest peak and just dance around the house and sing to the tune, at that moment any thoughts I had are gone from my memory free of thought! Sometimes I just pull out the canvas and just paint. Paint what I want to see, paint what I want to believe and paint the beauty in life and let the brush become my hands and thoughts to my freedom. Sometimes I drive for hours with no destination in mind and just throw my thoughts to the highway, until my mind is empty! When I am in moods such as this, I write freely and just let my fingers or hands run my thoughts out as quickly as they come and find insight into where my mind is lost, cluttered and distorted. Welcome to the reality of my world the past few days! Did all that, still at a miss! My brain is still mush and at a loss! Damn I need that muse! Normally when my mind is free of thought, then the natural in me comes out and empowers whatever is in my mind. You see I finished editing my masterpiece a few days ago, yeah to be determined of how much I should glorify myself just yet! Everything appears great, but what the last 3 chapters entail, so I scrapped them. Now I am left with an empty white page and writing here, correction I have about 5 or so white somewhat blank pages all over my screen with random notes that mean nothing to me and about 10 cups of coffee later, at 4am in the morning and a day wasted on bouncing a ball off the wall, which surprisingly did not damage the paint! Part of me knows what is causing this block, but I am not going to go there, not now! When I began with the suggestion to write this book 8 months ago, my life was complete for where I am now, so I agreed! I had a few additional unexpected circumstances, which added to the insight of my life and allowed me to step back and re-evaluate. Make some changes to my line of thinking and the life I had lived and how it affected my health for doing so much for those around me and pushing myself to no end. But for a person like me, finding the answers everyday has been easy, finding the solutions has been easy, finding peace has been easy, knowing what this world is all about has become easier. Apparently I hit a milestone in what becomes easier. My closing words do not reflect the person I have been, the person I am, the audacious character who is fearless and will risk everything without blinking just to experience, succeed, fail, get back up, learn and start all over again knowing she did the impossible even when it was not possible. I had 3 objectives when I started this, and I have successfully messed up on one of them! Alright I have blah, blah and blah, here much too long and posting this anyways, with the hopes someone else has both the patience to read my nonsense of the early morning and who has some new found tool or enlightenment for me to use to just get my juices flowing to get past my bump or else this book is never going to be finished! In the beginning I started with laughter, maybe that?s what I need one silly laughing attack! Who knows! Although llucus gave me a little chuckle with the search for an infidel partner, but just not enough!
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Ok, What's the speed of Dark? 136 Views 08/16/06
Had to post this, made me stop and think, hmmm, maybe I should be rethinking my line of thought! Gave me a few chuckles, hope u have some too, although some truth lies under the insanity of it! If you're not familiar with the works of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen... and replaced by exact duplicates!" His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals. Here are some of his gems: 1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 3- Half the people you know are below average. 4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good. 20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlight work?
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Some Mountains Are to High! 399 Views 08/12/06
This is a difficult blog for me to write for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I want to remain as diplomatic as possible without showing any feelings behind them, but this may be impossible for me to do. This is not a blog to obtain any sort of pity, so do not even shame me by doing so. Trey and myself, are no longer an item and there is no plans for us to have any type of future together. This is not what I would have intended, nor is it what I expected, nor has it not taken me for an extreme amount of confusion as to why everything has drastically taken such a 180 turn since I have come back from our wonderful time together. Sometimes its all timing, sometimes its about effort, sometimes its about not knowing really why either, but whatever the reason we sometimes have no choice but to accept the reality of something great not happening to us with another. So, he is available for any of you to take an interest in if you so choose to. I am quite able to hold my head up high and be fine with any of you who possibly end up being with him in the near or later future. At first, I thought why announce this to a blog group of people who I have never met, but somehow over time I have began to look at many of you as people who I would stroll through a local pub and find myself saying hello to and engaging in conversation with, if this were outside of this medium. Your kind words and your blessings were so sweet and I was not expecting a response or an interest in my love life from any of you to the extreme it was given to me! Being dishonest is also not a value I like to project myself as. The longer I delay, the longer I am being dishonest and loosing credibility with any of you and in truth being dishonest with myself. I wish this was going to be one of the romances or love stories of two people who met here at MM, but to my disappointment or sadness it appears it is not. Truthfully, I did not expect to meet someone here who I cared about so much who made me glow with the sound of a voice to my ear or radiate with just a thought and feel warm with the touch of his hand upon me. This being said, for all of you this site does have the ability to help you to meet someone who makes you shine brighter then you already do, so do not give up on it! I leave with one more thought, what a hell of week, a groom who walks out on his bride just before the wedding and I having to be bias in a situation where my heart hurts a little too for the loss of my apparent man! Popping the cork on the wine bottle just about now and hope the night does encompass me to take me through the hectic day ahead of me tomorrow.
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Not Just a Pretty Face! 207 Views 08/10/06
I had a thought today, like that is out of the ordinary? However, it came on about a simple song I listen to with my little one, which I use to teach her the value of being a little lady to carry into her later years. It helps cause she absolutely is in complete admiration of Shania and wants to be her sidekick one day! I want her to understand, as she grows, girls are, meant to be respected! Anything less from a man or anyone is not acceptable no matter the situation. I want her to stand up high and be proud she is a woman of the 21st century and realize how important of an ASSET we are to society as a whole. I do not want her to feel her appearances are what is going to win her the winning ticket in life and I want her to feel the beauty and intelligence inside her are just as valuable as her intended charm and beauty which exist on the outside. With all this being said?these lyrics say it the best. RAISE YOUR GLASSES TO THE WOMEN OF MM AND BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR WE HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO OFFER YOU GENTLEMAN THEN OUR GORGEOUS SELVES! *** She hosts a TV show, she rides the rodeo, she plays the bass in her band, she?s and astronaut, a valet at the parking lot, a farmer working the land, she is a champion, she gets the gold, she is the ballerina, the star of the show. A part time journalist, the coach of the football team, she is a geologist, a romance novelist; she is the mother of 3. She is a soldier, she is a wife, she is a surgeon, and she will save your life. She flies an airplane, drives a subway train and night she pumps gas. Shes on the council, shes on the board, she is a politician, she praises the lord. She is a waitress, she is a judge, she is a teacher, shes every woman in us! Shes not, just a pretty face, shes got everything it takes, she is MOTHER OF THE HUMAN RACE! Shes NOT just a pretty face! **** We are everything in one! Guess what I say to my daughter every morning when she wakes up ?Good Morning beautiful!? And she says now, ?But Mommie, I am not just a Pretty Face! ?
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Weddings, NOT always blissful! 51 Views 08/08/06
Sometimes it takes every effort for me not to have tears for the pain of others. To wish I could take away even just a third of a woman?s pain when their heart breaks and is shattered into a thousand little pieces. I am a woman, therefore I can relate to the pain of a heart once full of bright colors, now tainted with complete darkness. No disrespect intended to the men out there and I do realize a man with a broken heart just turns to utter disappointment later at times, but for a woman when her heart breaks she looses all sense of anything normal! The world as she knows it, just stops and everything becomes surreal and coated with denial! This was a portion of my day, thankfully at the end of it because my day would have not been so productive. As a wedding planner I realized today there is not always a Plan B and I cannot fix every issue leading up to that wedding day! I experienced my first Wedding Is Off today, 3 weeks before two people unite in what is supposed to be the happiest and most remembered day of their life. This will remain to be the most remembered day of their lives, but a day filled with some really hard, painful feelings. Through the years, I have been able to judge which couples will make it and which ones will not have the inner strength to make it when their relationship hits the bottom of the U. I describe relationships as sequences of a U. Meaning a relationship starts off at the top of a U and then as difficulties approach they begin to slowly reach the bottom of the U and once there at the bottom, the relationship strengthens if they can begin to start rising to complete the U. It sort of goes hand and hand with my analogy of CCTT which I came up with in my early University years over playing drinking games! (Chemistry, Communication, Trust, Timing, need them all to have any solid relationship) Maybe I should start playing drinking games again so I can come up with something intelligent to console my bride! Regardless of all this and which couples I believe are going to last, often I become surprised cause sometimes two peoples love can battle through anything. But this, wow! How does a man suddenly decide he is not sure if he loves a woman 3 weeks before they vow to each other their love to themselves, their family, their friends, a higher source and cancel the wedding? I mean everything is done! He never even expressed his thoughts to her or to me or even showed his apprehension! Speaking to him tomorrow is going to take the utmost of patience for me to be the devils advocate in this situation. This one I did not see coming at all! So much for the perfect couple! I sure hope this is not the beginning of a trend, cause for you men out there, I could not do this again! I mean guess who has to take care of canceling the wedding without saying much to guests, to suppliers and dealing with final payments! Ouch! That is what I am paid for perhaps! So tonight, I ask all you men out there? If you have any doubts about a relationship you enter into, talk to your partner and see if you can both get out of the U together, if anything out of the U as respectful friends. Do not let your feelings linger unattended because then someone who loves you, who you care about immensely will be so hurt she will not know which direction is left or right for a very long time!
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First Dates can be exhausting! 253 Views 08/07/06
Tonight I just got back from my longest date ever! A 5 day date, which could have easily turned into 10 minutes when we first met at the airport if neither of us were honest and sincere about who we were the weeks proceeding our meeting. Wow a man I can tolerate for more then 6 hours, he?s good! Guess I had a good time eh? Since he shared, well I feel inclined to also and give you all the female, sappy perspective as oppose to his sarcastic fun like perspective. Which I adore in him, by the way! I believe ?in a moment everything can change? and where or what you felt before has suddenly taken a drastic turn into the unknown and it is damn scary. Lack of control! I left this morning worried, nervous, scared and filled with what next crossing my mind. All emotions I hate to have and emotions I try my best to eliminate from my thought patterns. It?s a horrible but yet amazing feeling all at the same time. There was one moment during those 5 days where it all came together in my mind and I knew it was right. We did the unthinkable for me. We complimented each other. Yikes! This does not happen too often with me! Complimented each other for our eccentricities and we accepted each other for them. We are different this is a fact, but yet strangely the same! We live some distance apart from each other, in different countries actually, which would not be so much of a big deal if he was just breaching my border, but he is not! But I assume you all figured this out by now! So what now is my question in my mind? I already miss not having him around, even if there are no words being exchanged. Yuck is all I have to say! So, I have decided to keep him around for a while. Keep myself off the market and see what his next step is going to be in order to keep me off the market. See if we are strong enough as two people to battle out the long distance together, as a unit! What other choice do I have? Maybe this all falls apart into tiny pieces beyond repair or maybe this becomes the best thing for me in my life to date! I can tell you if it were up to me and life was not in the way, I would have never left?that should freak him out a little! LOL! God damn here comes the infamous saying again ?Life is what happens while you are making other plans!? So everyone it is possible to find someone on here who makes you smile. The next step is to see if both of you are ready to commit your hearts to one another and to both put the effort into it to make sure nothing gets in the way! Oh yes, can you ladies start winking and emailing my man again, he is crushed at his lack of response from you now that he announced his wonderful date! HAHAHAHA!
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HANDLING FEAR! 55 Views 07/31/06
I have written much on fear in the past and thought now it is time to present some of my views here on fear. So the question is what is fear? FEAR is what holds us back from accepting ourselves. Fear is what keeps us from succeeding in our relationships with others and our work progress! FEAR breeds more fear! FEAR breeds negativity around us! Simply said, FEAR keeps us from enjoying life as it happens! FEAR at its core root is what holds us to the past and prevents us from moving forward today, to allow us to take necessary steps, to make changes. FEAR shows us the examples in our lives, which we have failed and have crashed and burned in. It shows us the experiences, which caused us pain, hurt, distress or misfortune. Now what do we do with something, which causes so much misery in our day-to-day lives? My motto is, embrace the fear and harness the fear, when it shows itself to us. Then discard it as an old shoe with a hole in it. Truth of the matter is, fear does not want you to acknowledge its presence inside you. It feeds off of our emotions and misguides us away from what really matters to us. Fear is present to scare us away from the right choices for us and/or our happiness! Take yourself out of the box you have put yourself in and look at what is holding you back or making you feel sad, defensive, nervous, angry! It all amounts to FEAR INSIDE YOU! Once out of the box, harness the fear, honor it and say "What are you trying to show me here?" Welcome it and open your eyes to it, learn from its purpose! Don't give fear what it wants; fear wants you to keep it in the darkness, so you cannot move forward, but stagnate or sit in the shadows of your past! Fear like any other emotion is there to teach you something about yourself. Only difference between fear and all other emotions is it wants to keep itself hidden from you because it is the source of all other negative/bad emotions! IF YOU tap into your fear...everything around you, which holds you back, WILL disappear. I normally try to take on my fears with a vengeance, tackle them at its source! However, sometimes it gets me and it takes me sometime to just figure out where it is deriving from. Normally, for me and we are all, different, fear attacks me in areas where I begin to fear loosing something or fear of hurting someone. I tumble for a bit, but then I welcome the dark side of me, find its "intention" and honor it then look for the positive in the source of it. How could you NOT RISE ABOVE the fear inside you if you know what it is? Impossible not to! Lets take an example of having a sickness. You say to yourself, now that I am sick what direction has this sickness taken me to change certain positive aspects in my life which were not there before? What have you now decided to do or avoided or let go of or change? Take the example of what can be an amazing relationship with someone, instead of creating doubts, concerns, worries what positive outlook can come from going into it? If the relationship falls apart what did you walk away from to better you now, what has changed and where would you be if you remained to stay in that relationship? For example, when someone intimidates you or insults you on these blogs, where is it coming from? What is the underlying fear which is making you react harshly towards others that you fear at that moment is going to compromise you? "To be free of fear, you must understand death!" J.Krishnamurti I use this quote as an example because Krishnamurti sets a good argument on how in some form fear is connected to death. Fear is the unknown with-in ourselves, it is the perception of ourselves which we do not want to face. It is part of our truth! If you can understand and accept death, what is holding you back here in this life? This is a whole other concept to get into and I will save it for another blog, but just to set an example of how acceptance of death changes, who you are in this life. If you want to have some good reading material for the nights alone look up Krishnamurti! I used to deal with death and dying many years ago working with terminally ill patients. As I mention in my profile, I am truthfully everything all rolled into one! No matter, this book and the people I helped allowed me to broaden some insight on how I was to deal with loosing so many people I began to care about. From this experience, I learned how to take on many new concepts of how to deal with this life based on accepting death and not fearing it. It changed who I was and I quickly adapted tools, unfortunately with some trial/error but I was able to fit them into my life to better my life and in turn be better to all who I encounter. So whatever is holding you back now or today, find what it is that is scaring you? Its not anger, its not nerves, trust me its FEAR! Eliminate the intention of fear and your life begins to change, the people in your life begin to change, your relationships begin to change and most importantly you begin to change.
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Pieces of the Heart! 41 Views 07/25/06
I have read so much on the aspect of love on these blogs and the same issues keep repeating themselves although always a different angle to it! I consider myself to be 32 years (old, not young), not just in relationships, but also in many aspects of life and I keep gaining wisdom because I choose to learn!. I learned a few things and thought I would share MY perspective, which may not be yours, but has helped me in the love world! For me, the person I would like to meet the most IS myself in 20 years. Now its time to get a little personal, a ?little? personal only! I do not even want to count the words on this blog! LOL! Took me sometime to write this one actually in the wee hours of the morning! Lets talk about love! I was married to a wealthy man once, just could not get through that 7 year itch! Seriously, a man who I actually loved with every ounce of my being and a man I will always love, but just not the type of love which is going to want to keep me there till my last breath. Not because he caused me to feel like I wanted to jump out the window half the time, or because he created so much worry in me about him all the time, not because he caused more heartache then I ever could possibly imagine having in my life! Those are not the reasons why I do not want to be with him! He just was not the person I was meant to be with, but I am grateful to him everyday for teaching me the most important aspect of life, unconditional love! I call my ex-husband a karmic mate or soul mate in my life. For those of you who can break free from the commercialized version of soul mate, a soul mate is someone who makes you feel like you need therapy after you are done with them. They cause so much destruction in your life and in yourself you loose sight of you entirely! Bringing yourself back requires strength and ambition to want you back! They come into your life to teach u something and if you do not learn from it the lessons keep repeating themselves over and over again with the same person or another until you get it! I learned many lessons in myself from this relationship and many who close to me still today do not understand how I can be so forgiving and still care about someone who caused me so much misery. My goal became not for them to understand but for me to understand. I am a woman who walked away from my home, my cars, my bank accounts, my credit cards and just took me and my daughter because I was with him because I loved him, not for some dollar value and I knew if I stayed any longer I was just going to break into pieces and was terrified I would never get myself back for my daughter?s sake! The first 6 months were the largest of struggles because I went from a life where I could have anything I wanted whenever I wanted and not blink, suddenly I had to put restraints on myself and change my lifestyle and start over again in my life and build! Not only build, but also build to what I wanted back to enjoy my life! The first lesson I learned was money definetly does not make u happy and it is worse to have had it then not had it! Keep in my mind, all along having a man trying to use his money as power against me constantly through-out to take my daughter away from me as revenge for me saying enough, making it all the more difficult! I divorced a man 5 years ago who I loved and the fear of walking away from your heart and leaving it somewhere else to sit is enormous. What I did after our last day in court and the divorce was finalized is I left the city with my daughter and lived in a cottage in the middle of the woods with not one living soul to be found and healed for 3 months and came back stronger and with acceptance to move on! When in doubt, STAND STILL in silence! Take OUT the NOISE! So I learned 4 lessons, unconditional love, and inner strength, value of what is important and how to combat fear of loving someone! I am fortunate because of the way I handled the situation in the past, my ex and I now have an incredible relationship to raise our daughter together while having separate lives! I bless the fact he ?has? become a better person for our child we share together! So what I search for in a man is my companion mate and I am ready to have the healthy relationship based on feeling home in my heart with that person and have been for years. A feeling I will know exists right from the beginning! I can truthfully say, I am done with karmic/soul mates because I learned the lesson I was supposed to learn! I guess, what I am trying to get across is easy, simple love comes when you have let go of all the other pain and learned the value that old love brought to you to your life. I have pieces of my heart of many men I have loved all over the world, but none of them made me feel complete or home in my heart, so they were never a person who I wanted to involve in my day to day life, but I can tell you I have found the one I want to share with. But it always comes down to if the other person is now ready to let go of fear in their heart and accept they can be loved too and love you back! The world is filled with many companion mates for each other, you meet them when u have an uncanny connection or attraction and you have no idea why? It all comes down to letting go of fear and accepting you do not have to love and let go, you hold all love in a special place in your heart and take the lessons of that love with you to prepare you for the one that is right! CCTT people! This is the essence of love combined with lots of other aspects, but the most important part! Letting go of your vulnerability and realizing love sometimes just happens and it does not matter who or how many people u love or who is the most important one, it is the one that is going to be perfect for you to take your last breath with! I hope my short, minimal, little personal story gave some of you insight to what I am speaking of with reference to love!
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We all grow UP! 19 Views 07/22/06
Below is my daughter, not to be bias, but to me she is as gorgeous as she is intelligent. Now this is sappy mommie alert! So other parents go for it, be sappy with me today! I decided to write about her today because 1- I miss her and she is with her dad till Thursday! 2- She is turning 6 next week and I can not believe so much time has passed at such a fast pace. 3- We went to the dentist this week and she has all 4 molars coming in and she is about to loose her first 2 teeth. Which brings me to my point this teeth issue. The first thought I had was excitement her first teeth are coming in?she is loosing teeth?wow! Then I began to think OH NO, those are big people teeth, not little baby teeth, its happening she is growing up! I try to tell her to stop growing and she keeps growing! Then it hit me in 6 more years, she is going to have her period and then I am going to have to get her a training bra and then boys?no not boys! Oh no its happening already, why did I not see it ?boys?little William is calling her a chocolate brownie and says she is hot! Boys are not supposed to do that at 5! Its inevitable I cannot stop this growth issue?no pause button! Although every moment of watching her grow, till now has been a moment to pause, do u not wish u can pause sometimes or rewind a moment? I am defiantly going to be one of those mothers on her wedding day where I am going to cry and just hope she is safe with whoever she marries! Being a mother has been the most wonderful experience I have had in my life to date. This little body from the first moment I held her, my whole life changed before me. Everything I do in my life is for this little person. I had no idea when I was pregnant that a person could change everything in your life so drastically, to the way you care, the things you do, the things you change, the way you conduct yourself, the way you protect and the way you love! I do not look at my daughter as a responsibility in my life. She is the fun part in my life where I share some of my most happiest moments with! Granted I can loose the fact she comes to read me stories in bed at 7am on a Saturday morning and asks me mommie are u awake yet I want to do arts and crafts? However, still sweet when I hear that little voice first thing in the morning. I am a fantastic mother. I know this is one test in life I am not failing, but I have to be honest I am lucky because I have a truly amazing child. She is my mini-me, my little honeybee! She is the most advanced child in her class?accepted into one of the most elite private schools in the country, she is soft, sensitive, bright and always has a smile on her face. We have a great relationship already and I do not see how that will ever change. She makes parenting easy! She is the charmer out of the two of us and wow is she going to break some hearts with those baby blues!
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Men can be stupid to make things stupider! 127 Views 07/22/06
I was at the bookstore yesterday?my weekly outing for a new weekly book and came across this book, which grabbed my attention instantly and well of course I bought it. Number one thing about me is, I read anything and everything that has me interested in. I love knowledge and love reading. I am one of those people if you were planning to learn something about me through my book collection and what my interests are you would be at a total loss. I have books ranging from Quantum Physics to Thrillers and everything in between?my own personal library. Which brings me to one of this weeks books?Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives, so I thought I would list them. However, nteresting book I am noticing, but has a lot of things I already technically knew first hand and I am sure a lot that most women already know! So here it goes boys rebuttal! Aside from the fact, I feel it would be a good book for a lot of you men out there to take a look into reading?. lots of good facts in there on what drives us women nuts about you at times, if only you would?LOL! 1- Stupid Chivalry 2- Stupid Independence 3- Stupid Ambition 4- Stupid Strength 5- Stupid Sex 6- Stupid Matrimony 7- Stupid Husbanding 8- Stupid Parenting 9- Stupid Boyishness 10- Stupid Machismo If you are curious about any of these topics?I can give you a brief synapse on any of them. LOL! That is if anyone has the courage to ask about what Stupid something is all about! LOL! That is my entertainment for the day!
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Promise my 1 time intense voice! 89 Views 07/21/06
I have noticed someone new to these blogs feels it necessary to get her point across regarding the world and as we see it or how we should conduct ourselves, so I felt I am going to throw out my opinion or what I believe even if it should incriminate me. Life for me is not based on a religion per say, it is based on people, things and nature and how we are all connected in some form. The world around us is falling apart. If we wake up and notice it for what it is, we all would notice, we are being riddled with tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes and flooding all taking casualties of human kind and nature. Climate as we notice it is changing, since when does it snow in Mexico? The violence is becoming greater towards how we treat each other, how we expose each other! So my question to myself when I wake up daily is if we all are connected, then why cant we all practice a little unified spirituality to better our world, for our children, our children?s children and ultimately for us! The fact if you are a Christian, Catholic, Mormon, Protestant, Buddhist, Wiccan, Muslim, Atheist, is not what I think about nor do I believe religions are what is going to make this world better. If you look at history and carry it into today?s modern world, has it made a difference? We all share this planet equally, its not our birth right to have dominion over the Earth. Earth is not a possession it was never met for any one man or woman to own. The Earth is a gift from a greater source who is our ally and resource. When nature is out of balance it works to restore itself! People who are overly religious tend to be fanatics, people who are spiritual or who truly believe in their path are more relaxed and comfortable within their own skin and when a person is balanced they do not have to work so much to get their message across, they co-exist with others and what others beliefs are regardless if they are different then their own. People are made up of a rainbow of colors, nature intended it to be this way! I personally do not understand why people live in different sectors in collaboration of their own. Each culture is meant to teach and learn something from the other. The natural flow of the universe is to exchange energy, a mutual admiration for each other, people working together for the greater good! My pride is based on learning what others have to offer me to learn. I have spent time with many different types of cultures and each one has given me something special to take home with me in my heart. The world is out of balance and we have become so jaded and spoiled that we are unable to stop and even see what valuable, good things we have in our lives. I can speak this, because I am here living through it with you, times are hard. We are living in a society where borders have been built to keep people out and where presidential candidates will sell their soul to get into the White House. Campaign promises mean nothing when the head of a country uses his own religious beliefs to dictate what is good or not good for the people. There used to be a time where religion was separate from church and state, that time has passed us by sadly. But at the end, no amount of politics initiates change. We the people initiate change?in ourselves and how we treat each other. I have a good life filled with much success for so many reasons it would take me another 10 blogs to explain why and neither of us have the time nor do I feel it necessary to begin to prove how my life is so wonderful. But I can tell you the success in my life is guaranteed because I do not worry about what happened last year, last week and sometimes if I put myself in the right frame of mind, not even yesterday! I attempt to live in the here and the now and focus on how to co-exist in my surroundings and live in a Universe with peace and harmony and how I can effect change for tomorrow. Some people get so caught up in worrying about what has passed them they cannot see what the future holds in store for them. If you are a religious person per say and living your life accordingly, it is not and should not be about the hate or using a belief system founded on the principals of brotherly love to cause harm to any living being. If you are one of those people whose faith has grown to shallow that you feel you have nothing to believe in and no person to trust or that you can?t be loved or love back with all your heart and soul?then stop and take a look inside yourself. Inside yourself is where you will find all you need in life to succeed and to survive in all aspects?even relationships! A man without faith is a man without a soul?we all heard this one before. So the next time you feel hopeless and having a problem connecting to the world around you?take a look in the mirror, for the eyes are the windows to the soul and if you look at your own eyes long enough?you will see a truth in you, you never thought you would see?YOU! Don?t be surprised if you see something you don?t like?accept it and move on!
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Questions and THEN there are questions!!! 130 Views 07/21/06
Thought we all want to know about each other in the deepest way possible...so thought I would start the question game? We all know it and I am sure many of us played it at some point? Feel free to post your own off the wall questions too! Here is my first one...seems appropriate for this site! An eccentric millionaire offers to donate a large sum of money to a charity IF you will step completely naked from out of your car, onto a busy downtown street, walk 4 blocks and then walk back back and climb back into your car. Knowing there will be no danger or physical abuse ,would u have the courage to do it? This is for the men and women of this site!!!!
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Make Use Of Time!!! 19 Views 07/20/06
No matter what you do, or what you fail to do, the moments of this day will pass at a steady and unrelenting pace. Today will move right along, and there's no way you can stop it or hold on to it. What you can do, however, is make full use of it. What you can do is make something of lasting value out of the fleeting moments of this day. Yes, you could choose to put forth the very minimum effort required to simply make it through the day. Yet all that will do is take you to tomorrow, where the only thing you'll have to show for it is the need to make it through still another day. Instead, use this day to grow, to learn, to act and move and build and accomplish. Rather than seeking to merely make it through, choose to truly make it count for something great. Time is already moving steadily ahead. Make the decision, right now, to move ahead with it. Make full and joyous use of the unique moment in time where you now find yourself. You've been given the valuable gift of this day, so step forward and claim its special treasures. **Ralph Marston** *********************************************************** I decided to post this today because it is my own daily mantra. We all get beaten at times and the trick is to take the time we have for what it is worth to learn, act and grow from what is around us to guide us to something better in us or for us. Truthfully, I have been on a sick leave for the past 2 months, well what one would consider a sick leave is not quite the same for me. I just knocked off about 10 other responsibilities I take on daily and kept the ones that need not be ignored. Quite honestly I am going nuts with boredom now, but the point is this mantra has been my source of strength everyday for many years now! What is your source of strength and do any of you have a mantra incorporated into your daily lives? ****
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Suckered in? 126 Views 07/20/06
I woke up this morning and realized I got suckered in to the drama of these blogs! The one thing I hate more then anything is drama! It gravitates towards me closer, I run faster! People who know me get frustrated for drama begins to happen, I vacate the area and go into quarantine. Normally just could not be bothered! Peace and tranquility?people wonder why they don?t have it? It amazes me how I became involved enough to write a blog on how much it upsets me last night! I often sit back and read?and wow, I expected more cordial people with value and respect for each other on this site then what I have witnessed! I am perhaps too sensitive, to the way people choose to treat each other and often wish people would realize their actions directly not only affect the person they are in fact insulting or hurting, but also creates a whole environment of negative energy for everyone! This being said, I am out of the drama and just going to sit back and write my blogs when I feel like expressing something, respond with my sole opinion and continue to accept others when they consider my blog is worthy enough to respond to. Use this site for what I intended to, maybe get lucky and find the one who is actually able to steal my big heart and cherish it! You?re a lot of good people in this blog group and we all should just appreciate what we all are different in many ways, but yet the same! How could we all be in DR or wherever it is decided if people are going to meet and then battle it out with each other?think about it
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False Pretenses + Anger=Explosion it seems! 123 Views 07/19/06
Every so often life or rather people throw me for a loop. As we all know people often, as I used to do years before, hide behind themselves and they actually hide even deeper then that, they hide even WHO they are to themselves. I do not give people that much of a hard time when they do a wrong to me, mostly for the reason the wrong they did will come back to haunt them personally?the worst judge of yourself is yourself. At some point all the wrongs pile up in your life and you find yourself lost, scared, frustrated, doubtful and in the end out right depressed! Which brings me into the topic of this blog. I have read many profiles/blogs regarding false pretenses, judgments, lies?all forms which I really do not get, because how are you suppose to find a match which is ideal for you, if you are hiding yourself from the match that is for you? Simple question! I have a pretty good sense of people. I was blessed with both that street smart ability and finding the goodness people. I never take what someone else tells me about another, I draw my own conclusions using my own personal facts. What or how another treats one person is not necessarily the way they are going to treat me. Bringing us back to the goodness in humanity?everyone has goodness in them, the question is how much of the goodness is shadowed by the darkness in them? If you concentrate on the good and do not highlight the dark, often the end result is positive for both parties! People do change for the right people! Again, just my personal experience. Sometimes people retaliate with the wrong use of tools. Why? My opinion is their ego feels threatened, their credibility feels like it is being lost or it could be they are attempting to do a turn around and then their past caught up to them. When it comes to your past or who you are or what you have done, anyone in the world can tap into that information. If you plan on hiding that information and you are caught with the dishonesty at your doorstep, you have two choices either fess up to it and OWN who you are or walk away never to be seen with your head down in shame. Personally, I think owning who you are, is a lot more respectable in my view. They say the world is developed of 6 degrees of separation, this site I think it is more 2 degrees of separation! Having others gang up on each other some how does not seem right?all this anger on a dating site! If you have something to express to someone?its usually best to go directly to the source and say what bothers you in a respectful way?then why would the person come back and retaliate? I have about 5 points in there?hope u got them all and hope this blog was not too drastically long! Sometimes I think these discussions would be faster over a few cocktails! Take care all bloggers and sorry if anyone is offended! I take the fifth, lol!
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Retirement, is it good for the woman? 82 Views 07/18/06
Retirement, is it good for the woman? My father retired about a month ago and his is still smiling at the relief he does not have to go into the office anymore. However, my mother on the other hand is going NUTS! The first week he did his own thing and it was convenient for the annual jazz fest was in the city. (One of the largest in the world, to inform any jazz lovers) By the next week he began to tell my mother we now need a regiment for our day to day activities?7 o clock am walk, breakfast outside on the patio to enjoy the morning and so on and so on. Which all sounds great, but my mother is not used to this, at all! Now he has decided to re-organize the house, taking things out of cupboards and placing them in new places?try finding anything? He loves to renovate, in fact he designed and built his whole sound room for his audio equipment?loves The Home Show, does not miss an episode, so imagine what is coming. Demolition of the home! This morning he informed her this afternoon he scheduled them to go to a pool workout together and when she said she has other things to do, he said I couldn?t go alone they are all women there and insisted he needs her. The house is in shambles, my dad cannot go anywhere without her and he has to go everywhere with her now, even the grocery store! Its only been 31 days! Imagine in a few months?ouch! Now I am all for sharing time and enjoying each others company and my parents have been a great example of what a couple should be?they still go dancing at hip places on Friday nights together?but if you are not used to having your man around all the time, 24 hours a day and he is bored to hell! What do you do? My mother is trying to convince him already to find a hobby to turn into a job for September, explaining to him its best to just take the summer off. We all know her purpose in this! LOL! So, I ask you again?Is retirement good for the woman?
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Topic Of The Masses!!!! 98 Views 07/17/06
Here is a topic for the masses! Over the years I have planned many weddings and some of my clients in fact became closer then clients?hey don?t let your mind?s wonder on the word closer! I am a professional! Closer as in acquaintances who I see from time to time, mostly brides! No such thing as a fantastic wedding planner if you don?t get intimate with the members of the wedding party?trust me makes life a lot easier. Over these years, some are still happy in marriage and others well, they divorced. Which brings me to my topic. Divorce Parties! I have been planning annual Christmas Galas, Valentine?s Balls and other single or couple evenings, which bring people together to either, enjoy their love or find love! It has happened often where both men/women have suggested to me to finally break the mold and stereotypes of divorce and hold a Divorce Party. Now today, during a luncheon with and old wedding client who has found herself single again, the same idea is brought up by her. Starting to think I should break the mold! However, I think to myself, I have the rolodex, but gosh imagine the results if tickets are sold to those who have been married and now out on the prowl at this party and those who have not yet resolved their anger or sadness. I imagine I will need to prepare myself and have some doormen to keep on the look out. You add unresolved anger and some alcohol and you may have some serious action. But then I think, adults are more mature then to loose their composure at an event designed to bring together singles who have been and are on the same page of life, aren?t they? So the question of the day is do I profit off of peoples, sometimes most traumatic and exhausting experience of their lives? Do I in fact, take the leap and have a Divorce Blow-out? Not in the literal sense, hopefully. Oh gosh, I just thought of the perfect theme! So the last question is would I be compromising my reputation on this one? Have any of you been to an actual mixed and/or blended Divorce Party?
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Passion & Love do they co-exist? 52 Views 07/17/06
My belief is, emotions are an instinctive reaction to a situation and feelings are an active, intelligent, faculty of choice. Where do words such as passion, desire, intensity, need, want, fear, happiness, love, and falling in love fit into these categories? My perception is this? Passion and desire is an obvious reaction to a situation, an emotion! When a person inspires you to take yourself away from the realities of your every day life, leaves you yearning for their touch, craving to have more?this is where the passion exists. I always said, the difference between making love to another person and simply having sex is based on your need to learn all 2001 parts of their body. They are as if a new instrument you are learning, every time you are together. It does not matter if it is hours of earth shattering pleasure or a 15-minute encounter?you walk away wanting their body near you again. The simple answer to the why before someone poses it. Is their taste and their touch lingers with you! Its unfortunate, because many couples either never experience the sensations two bodies can give to each other through a simple touch and then wonder why 10,15, 20 years later, they still wonder why they feel like they needed more? Without passion, how can desire exist?they co-exist together as one entity. Which brings me into fear, happiness, love and falling in love. All feelings, we are completely aware of and can control. Love is the art of poetry, the art of loosing sight of what is around you, the feeling, which finds us acting out of our character, the one feeling, which can be described as a drug. The love drug! We choose to make ourselves vulnerable to love, because it makes us joyous inside. Feelings we would like to remain having. What makes a lot of relationships never become anything but a past experience is often we allow the fear to over-ride our pleasures. The worry, the jealousy, the concern, the pretenses all begin to over-power us. We forget to give in to the vulnerability! Love becomes conditional! How can we put conditions on love? Falling in love cannot co-exist with the element of fear and all the negative notions we put into our head, which reside in that fear! What will win my heart indefinitely? Are having both the emotion and the feeling co-exist together with my partner ready and willing to let go of his vulnerability. This is where I believe my true mate will become my lifetime partner. Through my experience, you cannot have one without the other. What encouraged me to write this blog, is conditions! When I made the choice to be on this site, I did it with the knowledge true, heart pattering, complete love does not quantify itself in distances, cultures etc. Love is, quantified by two people where their inner souls have been waiting to find each other. Passion and love exist as one entity. So, I had to be realistic, am I ready to let go of all possibilities and ride with the waves. I guess the question is how many of you believe your love is conditional? How many of you believe ultimate love can exist without the emotion and the feeling? Is this not what we are searching for?
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