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3345roc
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total posts: 1207
Blog title: My blog
Blog description:My blog
My blog address: http://MillionaireMatch.com/blog/3345roc
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Dear Abby 560 Views 05/14/15
Dear Abby,   
 
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?   
 
Signed: Clueless   
 
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
 

 

You're running for President of the United States . Act like one!
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Jokes 259 Views 05/14/15

A family is at the dinner table.

 
The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
 
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
 
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
 
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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Memorial Day 197 Views 05/25/15

A time to thank those who wore the uniform, especially during times of war and to remember those brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice.

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What women need to know about men.. 333 Views 05/14/15

Husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...

 

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

 

Sergeant: What is her height?

 

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

 

Sergeant: Weight?

 

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

 

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

 

Husband: Never noticed.

 

Sergeant: Colour of hair?

 

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

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What do you see? 407 Views 05/07/15

Anything moving?

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An oldie but goody... 254 Views 05/04/15

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman 

named Guido was relaxing at his favorite 
bar in Rome when he managed to attract 
a spectacular young blond woman.

 

Things progressed to the point where he 
invited her back to his apartment and, after 
some small talk, they retired to his bedroom 
where he rattled her senseless.

 

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a 
smile, "So, you finish?" 
 
She paused for a second, frowned, 
and replied, "No."

 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and 
the rattling resumed.  This time she 
thrashed about wildly and there were 
screams of passion..

 

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido 
smiles and asks, "You finish?" 
 
Again, after a short pause, she returns 
his smile, cuddles closer to him and 
softly says, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going 
to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido
reaches for the woman yet again.  
Using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they end together 
screaming, bucking, clawing 
and ripping the bed sheets.

 

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, 
gasping...

 

Barely able to turn his head, he looks 
into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish?"

 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful 
blond whispers in his ear... 
"No, I'm Norwegian."
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Ralph and Edna 446 Views 02/10/15

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

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Morning Sex 302 Views 01/22/15
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. 
  
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" 
  
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. 
  
Afterwards she said, "Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck. 
  
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What brought that on?" 
  
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
 
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Ideal surgical candidates 215 Views 01/11/15

Four surgeons are comparing the type of patients they consider the easiest to operate on.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to operate on electricians, because when you open them up everything is color coded."

 

The second surgeon says, "I prefer to operate on accountants, because when you open them up everything is numbered."

 

The third surgeon says, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on because everything inside them is in alphabetic order."

 

The fourth surgeon says, "I've got you all beat. I like to operate on politicians best. They are by far the easiest because they have no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and a$$ are interchangeable."

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Literacy in America 677 Views 12/12/14

Are our educators doing a good job?  How about literacy on the blogs?

 

Do you know the difference between to, too and two... their, there and they're.... wear, where and we're?  

 

Can you conjugate and punctuate?

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Letter from the Queen 159 Views 12/13/14
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u' and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

God Save the Queen.
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The President goes shopping 191 Views 12/08/14
President Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch officeof a regional bank to cash a check.
“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”
“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”
Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean,  I am the president.”
“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, Federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID.”
Obama sighs in consternation.
“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”
“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Christmas present.”
The cashier thinks for a minute.
“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.
“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.
“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.
“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Obama, President of the United States?” she asked.
Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.
“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing. My mind is a total blank. I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says. “Seriously. No clue at all.”
The cashier smiles.
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.
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ED 262 Views 11/14/14

You've seen all the commercials. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and since she and her sister were owners of the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that I would prefer to speak to a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “ This is tough for me, as a shy man, to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, "Just a minute. I'll talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, “ We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do: ...1/3 ownership in the store, ...a company pickup truck, ...a king size bed and ...$3,000 a month in living expenses.

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I think that I .... 194 Views 09/17/14

...... shall never see

A poem as lovely as a tree.

 

Joyce Kilmer

 

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No rest for the weary 84 Views 07/24/14

Jim Geraghty is a Conservative Commentator and blogger and, as such, quite biased.  Should we, however, be concerned about the health of our Presidentt????

 

No Rest for the Wicked 
As crises at home and abroad worsen, Obama reverts to his favorite trite form of reassurance. 

By Jim Geraghty

Tuesday, President Obama visited the Dutch Embassy in Washington, D.C., and wrote in a condolence book for the victims of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH17, “We will not rest until we are certain that justice is done.”

He then departed for a three-day fundraising trip to the West Coast.

Obama’s pledge that “we will not rest until . . . ” may sound familiar to you. In fact, the pledge is so chronically overused, and issued so casually, that it no longer carries much meaning. Here’s a brief history:

April 9, 2009: “We will not rest until we reach a day when not one single veteran falls into homelessness.”

July 31, 2009: “I will not rest until every American who wants a job can find one.”

September 15, 2009: “I want you all to know, I will not rest until anybody who’s looking for a job can find one — and I’m not talking about just any job, but good jobs that give every American decent wages and decent benefits and a fair shot at the American Dream.”

October 23, 2009: “Until the American Dream is within reach for anybody who believes in it, anybody who’s willing to fight for it — we will not rest until that’s happened.”

November 23, 2009: “I will not rest until businesses are investing again and businesses are hiring again and people have work again.”

November 26, 2009: “We cannot rest — and my administration will not rest — until we have revived this economy and rebuilt it stronger than before; until we are creating jobs and opportunities for middle-class families; until we have moved beyond the cycles of boom and bust — of reckless risk and speculation — that led us to so much crisis and pain these past few years.”

December 28, 2009: “A full investigation has been launched into this attempted act of terrorism and we will not rest until we find all who were involved and hold them accountable.”

January 28, 2010: “We will not rest until we build an economy that’s ready for America’s future.”

February 19, 2010: “I’m here to tell you, I will not rest — I know Harry [Reid] will not rest — until we’re not just recovering, but we’re prospering.”

May 12, 2010: “My administration and I will not rest — or be satisfied — until the leak is stopped at the source, the oil on the Gulf is contained and cleaned up, and the people of this region are able to go back to their lives and livelihoods.”

July 8, 2010: “I’ve said since I took office that my administration will not rest until every American who is able and ready and willing to work can find a job, and a job that pays a decent wage and has decent benefits to support a family.”

August 16, 2010: “My administration will not rest till every American who is willing to work can find a job, and a job that pays decent wages and decent benefits to support a family.”

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The Origins of Beer.... Author Unknown 128 Views 07/17/14

   

A History Lesson

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. 

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 

1. Liberals; and 
2. Conservatives. 

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. 

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. 

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen. 

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. 

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. 

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 

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Farewell to a great American Hero 116 Views 07/07/14

We lost Louie Zamperini last week.  He was the subject of the book and the movie "Unbroken".  He was 97.

 

Also, Happy Birthday to two American Patriots...

 

George W. Bush and Nancy Reagan.

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The Law of Large Numbers 119 Views 06/26/14

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

 

He says, "Four Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

 

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands. The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

 

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

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Are you Pro Choice? 270 Views 05/16/14

Really....

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The Ant and the Grasshopper 229 Views 02/12/14

OLD TRADITIONAL VERSION

The ant works  hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and  laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

——————————————————————————

 NEW PROGRESSIVE VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames capitalism for the grasshopper’s plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry  King  that the ant  has  gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on  the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you choose to become a parasite, don’t kill your victim.

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